A Fool's Utopia 05.08.08: Your Guide to May Sweeps

Posted by Ron Martin on 05.08.2008

This week in one man's utopia I guide you through the dangerous swamps of May sweeps. Also, we talk about the most watched TV finales of all time, dialing straight to hell itself and getting paid without having a lot of talent. Somehow, we still find room for golden balls.

It's that time of the year. The time of the year where if you fall in between the ages of 18 and 34, everyone ever involved in a TV show will do anything…and I mean anything to get you to watch their show. Why? Because you're young and advertisers think you're better than everyone else even though you don't have any real money or investments just yet and at this point probably have very little in the way of loyalty to a station or TV shows, but what the hell – you're wanted. This is the month all the channels get to set their advertising price that happens to coincide with most shows thrilling season finales. How can you decide what to watch? How can you possibly make your way through the sledge and gritty nastiness of sweeps month? I know it may seem overbearing, but I'm here to lend you a hand. No need for thanks, it's what I do. It all starts right here…TONIGHT!

Tonight
Scrubs, Season 7 Finale



And we all thought this was Scrubs last season! Last season as underrated second fiddle butt monkey to My Name Is Earl and The Office. Scrubs will make the jump to ABC next year, but it isn't screwing around here. Maybe you've heard of a little movie called The Princess Bride. If you have, and you likey – set your DVR as soon as you read this. Prepare to die

30 Rock, Season 2 Finale

Edie Falco returns as the bane of Jack's existence reprising her role as a US Congresswomen. Hmmm…it's May….can we say celebrity guest stars?

May 14

Til Death, Season 2 Finale
Underrated Comedy already being used to try and lead-in to new shows (although it has failed so far in that role). Try it out. You might like enough to watch summer reruns.

May 15

Lil Bush, Season 2 Finale
Against my better judgment, Comedy Central is keeping Lil Bush on a traditional TV schedule. We need Lil Bush on the campaign trail damnit! Current Lil Bush himself has been popping up in TV ads on Comedy Central telling us all not to vote so he can stay President. Oh, Lil Bush, how silly you are.


May 18
Desperate Housewives, Season 4 Finale

Last chance to see the ladies of Wisteria Lane – in this time frame. Rumor has it the show is jumping either forward or backward in time. Have they really resorted to this? Why are people still watching? Terri Hatcher isn't that hot.

May 19



How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Finale
I know you feel like this show has been on for about six years, but it's actually only the end of season three. Britney's back baby! After a successful first run on the show, Britney's back to reprise her receptionist role and hopefully salvage her career. I hope this works for her because I'd really like to concentrate more on the inevitable downfall of Miley Cyrus than hear more crazy Britney jokes. Oh, it's coming. It may take a few years but trust me that Disney chick is going to be as nasty as the rest of them. Should I be promoting that? Worst case scenario? This may be your last shot to see sane Britney in a controlled environment.

May 20



Reaper Season 1 (series?) finale
This is why I want to kick TV executives directly in their neck. See if you can follow the logic on this one. They admit Reaper is a good, quality show. Reaper gets better ratings that Gossip Girl. They're still a struggling new network (The CW). They are leaning towards keeping Gossip Girl and canceling Reaper. My surprise new hit of the season, gone already? Why? Because Gossip Girl has "buzz" with the coveted 18-34 crowd. A show that makes absolutely no sense when taken with real world logic, but yet it set in the real world has "buzz". I'm thinking whatever ratings Gossip Girl gets is closer to the 18 than the 34. For the love of all that is good, I sincerely hope that it the case. Gossip Girls has already been picked up for next season, but Reaper is left waiting for them to pull the lever or get a call from the governor. Does that make sense at all? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for any show that keeps the underrated Michelle Trachtenberg on my TV screen, but not at the expense of Reaper! Watch this show in case you don't get a chance to see it again. Hey, here's a novel idea…why don't they keep both shows?! Why am I not running a network right now?

May 21

American Idol, Season 7 Finale
I suppose I need to put this on here though I have never watched a single episode of any of the seven seasons, it may be interesting to see which strange looking character will win the right to be forgotten roughly a week after the show is over. You can count the number of success stories that have come out of Idol on one hand. That's not too good considering they've had over 80 contestants (including this season) in seven years. Everyone tells me this thing is coming down to two dudes named David. Good luck to the Davids. Please get this thing over with so I can forget it ever happened and have to hear a bunch of names that mean nothing to me again next year.

May 22

Deal or No Deal
I don't know much. I just know there are extra cases full of millions of dollars, lots of busty women in matching dresses and golden balls. Oh Lord Almighty will there be a plethora of golden balls. GOLDEN BALLS! What more do you need?

May 27

The World According to Jim Season 4 Finale

I'm just as surprised as you to see that this show is actually still on the air. It makes the list though because of four special little words that I utter in my every day life that will come true on this day on this show. James Lipton is Satan.

May 28

Ghost Hunters Summer Premiere
TAPS keeps a strange schedule giving us eight episodes, taking a few weeks off, giving us a few more, taking a few weeks off and then giving a six hour live show. Most importantly yours truly will be back with all new recaps and mayhem!

May 30



2008 National Spelling Bee
Let's end this thing off right! Squirming little kids who look like they are going to pass out everytime they stand in front of the microphone? Sign me up! That is why this thing scores big ratings

MATCH ‘EM UP

Let's see if you can match the celebrities with the shows they will be guest appearing on during sweeps month. Get out a pen and paper and play a strip version with your woman if you'd like. You'd be surprised at how many things can be played with stripping rules applied to them. I've done it with Pac-Man, surely you can do it with this.

The Celebrities



The Shows
The Simpsons
The World According to Jim
How I Met Your Mother
30 Rock
Ugly Betty
Two and a Half Men
ER

TRIVIAL KNOWLEDGE

Most watched season finales of all-time from 10 to 1:

10. All in the Family, April 8, 1979
9. The Cosby Show, April 30, 1992
8. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, May 22, 1992
7. Magnum P.I., May 1, 1988
6. Survivor (Season 1), August 23, 2000
5. Friends, May 6, 2004
4. Seinfeld, May 14, 1998
3. Cheers, May 20, 1993
2. Roots Mini-series, January 30, 1977
1. M.A.S.H., February 28, 1983


-- This may sound pretty hypocritical of me so if you have me on a pedestal where you think I can do no wrong and idolize me in every way, you may want to skip to the next paragraph. Now that you're braced for it, here I go. I am saddened by the fact that Seth McFarlane is the highest paid writer on TV. I understand why – his shows make money. Well, Family Guy makes money. American Dad, though I feel it's the better of the two shows writing wise, kind of rides Family Guy's coattails. Without the Family Guy lead-in, American Dad would have been cancelled by now. Like I said last week, Family Guy is always entertaining. I am saddened because there's very little talent involved in the writing. It's not particularly clever (South Park); it's not the most absurd (most of the Adult Swim lineup); it's not the most character driven (King of the Hill) or even the most crude (Drawn Together). It's a solid, I don't mind watching but 9 times out of 10 I'm not going to be blown away show. The writing for the show is not that difficult or unique, yet the creator is going to be the most paid writer on TV. I understand why he's getting paid that kind of money, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I wish a more talented, skilled writer would get that spot.


-- David Blaine found himself on Oprah for May sweeps and held his breath for over 17 minutes! That's great…who cares? I didn't see it, but if they showed the thing in its entirety, that would have had to have been the most boring quarter hour of TV ever. I guess I don't get David Blaine. I'm really not that impressed that he can hang out in ice or live in a box. If somebody's paying, I guess I'd do it too.



Cartoon of the Week: The Simpsons

I almost didn't give out a cartoon of the week this week because they were all pretty sad. In the end, I decided to go with the tried and true blue hairs in Springfield. They got the nod for three reasons: 1) The Nelson Munz story 2) self-referential joke to the average quality of their one and only movie and 3) last second cameo by John C Reilly. Unfortunately, that was enough to get by this week. Wow, talk about a bad crop of new episodes. Lisa's video was kind of a disappointment, like the writer's just ran out of ideas. The entire episode was saved by Nelson's movie. This was the only thing all weekend that I laughed aloud at. Chalmskin Productions has done it again!

-- How does Zooey Deschanel keep getting work? After the worst acting performance I have ever seen in the Sci-fi miniseries Tin Man, she's now starring in the new M. Night Shyamalan movie! This does not bode well for my summer movie seeing. I'm torn between give her another chance, hoping that M. Night played to her strengths and cut out her weaknesses or not going to see the movie at all because she's in it. That's how bad she was in Tin Man. I'd bet a paycheck that Jenna Jameson gives a better performance in Zombie Strippers. There's probably a whole lot of other things Jenna is better at as well. On top of all that, try typing the name Zooey Deschanel into your computer. It sucks.


Are you ready for pizza pizza? Maybe you need a little refresher on just how nobody backs baby into a corner? You still wearing jelly bracelets? Yeah, you're ready. It's RETRO. Damn thing sneaks up on ya, every week doesn't it?

Alright, I've kept this in for years, but I'm about to tell on myself. I sure hope my mom isn't reading this. Before cell phones were made available to the general public, before the invent of caller ID there was a thing so terrible parents the world over would break into cold sweats just thinking about them. Some parents would even go so far as to stub their children's fingers at birth so as to avoid problems later in life. Though it comes into play, the fact that everyone in the family had to share the same phone line is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the dreaded 1-900 numbers. Everyone had a 1-900 number. There were 1-900 numbers that would tell you how to find the secret entrance to the last level of Legend of Zelda. There were 1-900 numbers to hear the adventures of the Smurfs. Hell, even Santa Claus had one. Santa Clause – the paragon of all that is good in the world would charge you $3.99 for the first minute, $1.99 for each additional minute to hear him Ho it up with the elves. Santa Clause was not my downfall. Nope, in my 11th year (give or take a year), my downfall would be the 1-900 line to hell. Literally. A guy I like to call Freddy Krueger had his own 900 number. Now, it should be known that I've always been a little partial to Jason in my 80s slasher movie fandom. I'm a little more rustic in nature and prefer my serial killing to be done in forests, is all. That's all besides the point. Jason didn't have a 1-900 number. When you think about it, that would be pretty silly wouldn't it? How could I resist this?



Long story short, I didn't get my parents permission. I called the number and got the voice that scared Satan himself. So what did I do? I hung up. This wasn't dialing the Children's Museum and hearing the witch spout off the haunted guild's hours. This wasn't even dialing 666 three times thinking that would be a direct line to hell. This Freddy motherf'ing Krueger. I built up the nerve to call again. Upon hearing the patented scratchy voice promising to eat my heart out, I hung up. Rinse and repeat four more time before I built up the balls to stay on the line longer than a minute. I got about halfway through Freddy's tale of macabre and death before hanging up again. My job done, I went to bed an accomplished man. This adventure had not truly turned me into a man (that would take a girl names Stacy whom I would meet some years later), but it was close.

Then the phone bill came. My mom saw a 1-900 number that had rung up the better part of $70 on the bill and let's just say that … well, let me give you some advice. When a human's skull starts to steam so much that the hair begins to catch fire…run. Run as fast as you can and as far as you can. Unless you can convince your mom that your little sister had been calling the 1-900-NEW-KIDS line. Then you can stay. Be warned however that this may bite you on the ass years later when you sneak a girl into your room and pay the same sister $20 not to tell only to have her tell after she spends the $20. Not that it's ever happened to me, I'm just saying is all.

Your One Hit Wonder of 1989: Rock On

No, no, this is not the cool yet somehow dark original song by David Essex, but instead it's the remake by soap opera star Michael Damien. Who? Exactly. See what product placement can do for you? See kids, this song was featured in the Coreys movie Dream a Little Dream. Look real close, maybe you'll see a cameo in the video.



It's not the best version of the song, but it's not the worst either. The video screams eighties, which is weird because by '89 the eighties were fading out into the less gay (and also less chaotically fun) 90s. I'm not sure, but this video is right up there with the gayest the 80s had to offer. I would have chosen Edie Brickell and the New Bohemian's What I Am but I hear it on the way to work every single freaking day and I didn't want to see the video. There. By the way, the original can be heard on the soundtrack for The Devil's Rejects. Def Leppard and Smashing Pumpkins have more recently covered the song with much less success.

23 Years Ago Today
On May 8, 1985…

Top Single: "We Are the World" by USA for Africa
Top Movie: Code of Silence
Top Album: "We Are the World" by USA for Africa

"We Are the World" not only included the titular song but also singles from the likes of Prince, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner and Huey Lewis.

On this day one of the most disastrous events in all of advertising occurred….




-- By the time you read this, the movie will have already played on Sci-Fi, but if you can try and check out Children of the Grave. It's an independently produced documentary about child hauntings at several locations within an hour or so from my house. One of the places just south of me is a haunted bed and breakfast that I plan on doing some investigating of this summer. There were some insane EVPS taken there last fall of a little girl that could be heard by the naked ear.
I must leave you now.

I would say until next week, but that would be misleading for I will not be here next week. This time next week I will be in Disneyworld paying all my hard earned cash to a mouse. It's my first trip, so it should be interesting. In my place, I will leave what for some reason I keep referring to as a "dummy article." Whatever it should be called, it won't be in my usual format. In fact I can tell you it will be a list even though I try to avoid those as all out columns as much as possible. They're quick and fun. What the hell, it's going to be the 20 Greatest Things I Have Ever Seen on TV…Ever. Hope you enjoy it. Until next time….golden balls, baby. Golden Balls.