The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 5.11.08: Issue #13

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 05.11.2008

It's Dolph Lundgren in "Direct Action" (2004) and Christopher Lambert and Lou Diamond Phillips in "Absolon" (2003)! Oh yeah!

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #13: "Direct Action" and "Absolon"

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the thirteenth issue of the internets movie review column that has never seen Tim Russert snort cocaine off the thigh of a naked Chinese female Elvis impersonator, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, I take a look at the 2004 obviously made-in-Canada Dolph Lundgren actioner "Direct Action," and the 2003 sci-fi Christopher Lambert travesty "Absolon."

Direct Action



"Direct Action," directed by uber Canadian director Sidney J. Furie, stars the great Dolph Lundgren as Frank Gannon, a member of the Metropolitan Police Department (in what city I have no idea. Although the license plates on various cars clearly show that this was made in Ontario, Canada, the story supposedly takes place somewhere in the United States. So, I'm just going to assume that the police force Dolph works for is the same Metropolitan Police Department that appears in the "Police Academy" movies) and its elite cop crew called the "Direct Action Unit" (DAU). The DAU, according to an on screen graphic featuring some of the smallest writing in the history of on screen movie graphics, mostly deals with drug dealers, gangs, and other assorted super violent criminals. Gannon is one of the DAU's best. But Gannon's got problems.

Big problems.

See, Gannon has information on the DAU's captain, Captain Stone (Conrad Dunn), information that could put Stone and others in federal prison for a long, long time. Apparently, Stone has been making various illicit side deals with Afghani terrorist drug smugglers, allowing them to operate in the city with little difficulty. Gannon knows all about it and plans on testifying to a federal grand jury. Stone wants to make Gannon a deal: if he keeps his mouth shut, Stone will give him a cut of the money from the drug dealing and a promotion. Hey, Stone may be a low down, dirty criminal scumbag, but he's also a cop (all of that "brothers in blue" stuff). Stone gives Gannon a day to decide what he wants to do.

I don't think I have to tell you what Gannon plans on doing.

Meanwhile, Gannon has to work a case involving two dead prostitutes (murdered execution style) and break in a new potential DAU member, a female cop named Billie Ross (Polly Shannon). As you'd expect, the dead prostitutes have something to do with Captain Stone's ongoing criminal what have yous, and so the flick quickly becomes a race against time for Gannon and Ross as they run from assassins, bad guys, goons, and Stone's henchmen, all the while trying to figure out who, what, and why the prostitutes were killed.

Despite its low budget trappings and rather mundane look, "Direct Action" is a pretty decent action flick. The story is uncomplicated, doesn't waste any time getting to where it needs to go, and features some nifty performances throughout. Dolph is fabulous as Frank Gannon. Since Gannon isn't necessarily a complicated character, Dolph doesn't have to "act" so much as perform, which allows his natural "good guy" charisma to shine through (which isn't meant to mean that Dolph is a bad actor because he isn't. But if Frank Gannon was more like Dolph's character in "The Russian Specialist," which you can read my review of here, "Direct Action" would have been unwatchable and the most pretentious Dolph Lundgren movie of the century). He has great "buddy cop" charisma with both Polly Shannon and Rothaford Gray, and when he's seen on screen with Conrad "He's got the C-4 charge" Dunn, you can tell that Dolph just wants to snap the scumbag's neck right then and there. That's what a good guy does to a bad guy in an action movie. And Dolph's fight scenes are pretty decent, too, with plenty of mega butt kicking and ball kicking to go around (check out the way he rams that knife into that guy's stomach. Doobage city). And, once again, Dolph goes into the final showdown brandishing a sawed off shotgun and he shoots a guy right in the face with it. Is the sawed off shotgun meant to be his calling card or something? Did he do this in the mid-1990's too?

The only issue I have with the flick, and this seems to be the norm with most of the low budget Canadian action flicks I've seen, the gun fights are kind of lame. They just don't sound right. Gun fights should be loud and nasty, booming, if you will. The gunplay shouldn't sound "wimpy" or weak. The early gun fights fall into the decidedly weak category, eventually picking up at the very end. But, really, in an action movie, a machine gun, even a machine gun in semi auto single shot mode, should sound more significant than a handgun, and a shotgun should sound like thunder from the Gods. Dang near everything in "Direct Action" sounds the same. At least there are some good "blood" moments. At least the people getting shot here look like they've been shot.

"Direct Action" is definitely worth a look. So if you see it sitting on the shelf at the good, old video store or see it on Netflix, pick it up and give it a shot. And if you're a Dolph Lundgren action movie afficionado and haven't already seen "Direct Action," what the heck are you waiting for?

And who the heck would like to see this flick turned into a TV show? "DAU," every Thursday at 9pm? Starring Dolph? You just know you'd watch it.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous incredibly small on screen graphics explaining what the DAU is, shooting prostitutes, throat slitting, gratuitous opening titles sequence featuring Dolph Lundgren beating the crap out of and shooting people, a low rent rap song, the sun, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren driving a car while listening to a talk radio show, gratuitous gum chewing, Dolph picking up donuts, gratuitous retiring cop celebration and retiring cop getting a trophy, a retirement cake, gratuitous Dolph getting a new female partner, butt kissing, gratuitous bustling street life, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren beating the crap out of thugs and hoodlums in a bar, kick to the face, bodyslamming, table breaking, kicking a knife into the ceiling, handcuff dropping, gratuitous guy wearing a "Punisher" T-shirt, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren wearing a red jacket, ball kicking, punch to the chest, throat grabbing, putting on a seat belt, hanging out in a cemetary, a car homing device, an exploding car tire, thumb tip sucking, Dolph getting tasered, hole digging, ball grabbing, arm breaking, knife to the head, shooting a man while handcuffed, gratuitous machine gun, gratuitous Dolph with two guns, gratuitous grainy flashback to stuff we've already seen, punching through a door, knife fighting, calve snapping, pseudo Dragon sleeper, head through a window, bulldozer attack, gratuitous Aghani assassin knife, gratuitous tractor trailer trucks, donut eating, shooting from a car window, car door attack, head nodding, cell phone breaking, gratuitous checking DMV files, dead bodies, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren walking into an abandoned factory unarmed, gratuitous Dolph with a sawed off shotgun, a shotgun blast to the face, exploding van, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren cocking a shotgun with one hand while walking through a smoke filled doorway, Asian gang hoodlums, a chemistry experiment, an internets map, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren taking on a Mack truck with a machine gun, chin slicing, arm breaking, knife to the guts twisting, knife through the chin, machine gun to the face, getting shot in the ass, a hasty final showdown, and great lame end credits music.

Best lines: "Jesus, I wasn't trying for more money," "Look into my eyes. Are you scared? You should be," "Forget it. He's already married to his job," "Hey, Frank, thanks for dressing up for the occasion. I'm touched," "Hey, what happened? Did someone steal your cake, sir?," "What's the plan? Same as always. Finish our shift in one piece," "Where you going asshole?," "Got your cuffs, Ross?," "Yeah, it's me. I've got a problem. We've got a leak," "Like I said, Ross, it's got nothing to do with you," "Did I just lose fifty bucks?," "Hey, whatever happens, I'm with you," "So that's how it's gonna be, Frank?," "You got something to say, say it to the grand jury," "Cuffs are not my foreplay... forte!," "These guys were cops, Sgt!," "Ross, I think you'd better drive," "Sure you don't want some gum, Ross?," "We run this name through the system, government databases, the works," "I think we're going to go see an old friend," "So, Brian, Brian, what's fifty million divided by six?," "Are you playing hardball with me? I'll blow you off the fucking court! You have no idea who you're dealing with!," "Who's this caucasian guy?," "Can I put the donuts down?," "What's your name, buddy?," "Well, his throat was gut Afghani style, so that's the working assumption," "Stick to the plan," "You know what to do," "Uncle Frank, help us!," "So, Frank, you fuck with us, and the kiddies go kaboom," "What, do you think we're fucking brain dead?," "Do you hear me crying for my mother?," "Jesus, Gannon, I'm a goverment agent, not a babysitter," "Hey, sarge, I'll take some of that gum now," "Looking sharp, Captain," and "There's justice for ya."

Rating: 8.0/10


Absolon



And then there's "Absolon," a sci-fi action flick from first time director David Barto that sports some interesting ideas and a decent enough look for a fairly low budget genre movie, but ultimately fails because of its star, the Christopher Lambert.

In 2010, a lethal virus called NDS (Neurological Degenerative Syndrome) spreads rapidly around the world, decimating governments and countries and eventually killing about five billion people. Those that survived were saved by a wonder drug called absolon, which was manufactured by a company called "UPC" (which I think stands for Universal Pharmaceutical Corporation, or something like that). The problem with the absolon drug is that it doesn't really eliminate NDS from the body, it instead keeps it in check, prevents it from getting worse (to the terrifying "Level 2"). So the drug has to be taken everyday. UPC, run by a guy named Murchison (and played by the immortal Ron Perlman), is the only company in the entire world that can manufacture and distribute absolon, so the company works hand-in-hand with both regional and the worldwide government (well, "works hand-in-hand" is really a euphamism for UPC runs the world) to make sure people have access to the drug. But, you see, people aren't just given absolon. They have to earn it. Or something. See, this is where things get a little hazy for me. The government somehow uses the number of hours each person has left between absolon shots as a kind of currency. In order to buy things people use the hours they have left. Or something. All I know is you don't want to be left without hours.

Okay, so, with the absolon "cure" what's left of the world has returned to a sense of normalcy, and since we're dealing with human beings, that means murder and killing and all the usual bad stuff people do. So the world needs the law and cops. Norman Scott (Lambert) is one of those cops. He's a local sort of cop, charged with investigating the apparent murder of a leading scientist in ongoing absolon research. With his multi haired hot as hell partner Ruth (Roberta Angelica), Scott has hit a wall in his investigation. He's gone over the virtual reality simulation of the murder multiple times, and while he knows where the scientist hid his research before being blasted by a figure clad in a fedora, trenchcoat, and gas mask, he can't figure out who the hell the fedora wearing gas mask guy is. So Scott goes to the scientist's office, finds the hidden disk with the information, takes it home, and watches it. The info on the disk leads Scott to a weird beard young scientist and apparent protege of the dead scientist, a guy named Haywood (Chris Redman). Scott goes to talk to Haywood, which ends up being a rather enlightening encounter for Scott because he learns the "truth."

To make an incredibly long story short, basically the whole absolon thing is a big scam. Knowing this information leads World Justice Division agent Walters (Lou Diamond Phillips), who has been working with Scott for some reason, to shift the focus of his ongoing investigation from whatever the heck it is to Scott. Suddenly, the loyal cop who has believed for years that the government and UPC have done good things with absolon is now the most wanted man in the world. He's got Walters and a bunch of other gun toting guys (and one hot black chick wearing a white leather coat) coming after him. Scott has to let Ruth go (he doesn't want to implicate her) and team up with rabble rouser Claire (the very hot Kelly Brook) to, as he eventually finds out, get the apparent cure for the absolon disease that he has in his blood (yet another long story) out to the world. So the big question is will Scott and Claire survive until the end?

Now, I could have handled the over complicated plot that isn't explained very well, I could have handled the somewhat lame action sequences, and I could have handled the fact that Ron Perlman doesn't get to do much beyond sit at a desk in an empty room and talk into a computer screen, and I could go on about how this flick "tells the truth" about the role of big business in world governments and whatnot, but what I can't stand about this movie is Christopher Lambert. Lambert is just absolutely awful in this movie. He's either incredibly bored in scenes, or just so intense that he's overacting compared to everyone else. And then there's his line reading, which is incredibly horrendous. His, I guess you can call it his "French" accent, is at times so thick you can't understand what he's saying, or his voice is so high pitched that it sounds like he's whining. You can't have your hero sound like he's whining. And then there's the total lack of chemistry he has with Kelly Brook, who has to get by with her looks here because she has absolutely nothing to work with. I mean, yeah, it would have been great if she got naked, or at least topless, but it wouldn't have helped the movie balance itself out. Lambert is just so bad he brings everyone else down with him.

And then there's Lou Diamond Phillips. He has a great look here (very "Matrix"), and it's great to see him as a bad guy. He has outstanding chemistry with Perlman, who just oozes sleaze and menace and helps balance out Phillips and his gum spitting assassin stuff. It would have been a blast if Phillips was the star and the story was about him instead of Lambert. The only thing I don't quite understand about Phillips is why his handgun, which looks like a "Robocop" knock off, is so huge. The gun should have a scope on it. The scope is what always makes a gun look futuristic. Why isn't there a scope?

"Absolon" should be oh so much better than it is. It has the potential to be almost great. But it isn't. David Barto and the producers made a mistake in casting Christopher Lambert. Because Lambert is just awful. Terrible. Incredibly bad.

In fact, Christopher Lambert sucks in "Absolon." And because he sucks, "Absolon" sucks.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous plot explanation right at the beginning, gratuitous old British guy telling a story to a kid, a guy working on a computer, gratuitous Christopher Lambert, gratuitous Christopher Lambert eating an apple, compact disc hiding, gratuitous guy in a black trenchcoat, gask mask, and fedora, reaching through a membrane, a universal warrant, taking a shower, drug injecting, a low level social decay, gratuitous Roberta Angelica wearing a half shirt, gratuitous Lambert eating food off a hot food cart, gratuitous guy in a greenhouse, a laser sight red dot, blindly shooting a guy in the head, shotgun to the guts, gratuitous multiple blue tint flashbacks, gratuitous Lou Diamond Phillips, gratuitous alarm clock that tells you how much time you've lost while sleeping, gratuitous Lou Diamond Phillips and his huge handgun, back alley shootout, gum spitting, gratuitous Ron Perlman, driving through a garage door, exploding tire, car flipping wildly, a dot matrix printer, gratuitous flash cut fade things within a scene, gratuitous intermittent on screen countdown, gratuitous jumping into a garbage truck from a bridge, gratuitous shantytown filled with poor sick people, waking up with the shakes, Lambert talking to a kid, gratuitous White Knight trading card, running through a storm sewer, moving a manhole cover, mild tape bondage, gratuitous radio broadcast dispensing further plot points, gratuitous Lou Diamond Phillips cracking his neck, no nudity from Kelly Brook, exploding apartment, a disturbing pseudo sex scene with Lambert shoving his tongue into Brook's mouth, lead pipe beating, falling off a catwalk, shooting a TV, gratuitous fist fight, shovel attack, gratuitous electrocution, and a lame ending.

Best lines: "I told you to freeze it," "There's nothing funny about this," "Hey, mister, can you spare some time," "Ny name is Scott. I'm a police officer," "They. Who are they?," "We're all slaves to Absolon," "You did a good job tonight, Scott," "What the the hell is going on here?," "Get in if you want to live!," "I don't believe in luck, Mr. Walters, I believe we create our own destinies," "Give me the gun," "Davis, get on her and stay on her," "How in the world did this escalate into what it is, John?," "You pushed me off a bridge! I would have jumped!," "I hope you appreciate my cooking," "See you later incubator," "This may be the last frontier, but we still get television," "You're disappointing me, Walters, and I'm in no mood to be disappointed," "I didn't know I was easily controlled," "I'm beginning to question your abilities, Mr. Walters," "You sure have some nice toys in here," "He found the device you idiot!," "There's something sad about you," "Some things are never a long time ago," "You are exceeding your water allotment. Repeat, you are exceeding your water allotment," "Get dressed. We've got to move," and "I'm just a decoy."

Rating: 4.0/10

***

Well, that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Direct Action"

Dolph Lundgren- Frank Gannon
Polly Shannon- Billie Ross
Rothaford Gray- Ed Grimes
Conrad Dunn- Captain Stone
Walter Alza- Espinoza
Donald Burda- Bryant
Directed by Sidy J. Furie
Screenplay by Sidney J. Furie and Greg Mellott
Distributed by First Look International and Nu Image Films
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 97 minutes
Buy it here



"Absolon"

Christopher Lambert- Norman Scott
Lou Diamond Phillips- Walters
Kelly Brook- Claire
Ron Perlman- Murchison
Roberta Angelica- Ruth
James Kidnie- Doc
Chris Redman- Haywood
Directed by David Barto
Screenplay by Brad Mirman
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 96 minutes
Buy it here