Misunderstood Masterpieces 5.13.08: Primary Colors

Posted by Will Helm on 05.13.2008

…or, Only Slightly Longer Than the Average Presidential Campaign

Way back in 1996, a certain book was published that, more than likely, touched off the vogue for politically fueled dark comedies in film over the next few years. Even though presidential politics were a hot-button issue for the years previous – due to the various slings and arrows lobbed from both sides toward President Bill Clinton, an anonymous writer took it upon himself – or herself – to craft a cunning exposé, revealing the dirty dealings behind the scenes of a fictional campaign . . . supposedly closely based on Clinton's surprisingly victorious 1992 run for the presidency. This novel, perhaps due to its timely nature or anonymous author, became a sensation, and, unsurprisingly, a film was commissioned based on the book. That book – and the corresponding film – is Primary Colors.

The 1998 film, a celebrity-packed affair, brings together long-time comedy partners – and some-time spouses – Mike Nichols as director and Elaine May as screenwriter. If that wasn't enough to guarantee this film provenance, John Travolta was recruited to portray the film's analogue for Bill Clinton, Gov. Jack Stanton, with Oscar-winner Emma Thompson as his goodly wife Hillary . . . I mean "Susan." Rounding out the cast of luminaries are Billy Bob Thornton and Kathy Bates – whose appearance in any film is guaranteed to make the film better, among others. Though this film featured enough star power to light a small galaxy – or at least a medium-sized solar system, it finished its box-office run in the red and as a disappointment. The revelation that "Anonymous" was in fact Washington journalist Joe Klein may have contributed to this failure, but there might be something more. In fact, perhaps Primary Colors isn't just another politically themed dark comedy . . . it could just be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Let me be honest; I'm going to be a little controversial and a little risqué here. John Travolta is no longer starring as "Gov. Jack Stanton." For my purposes, he is, in fact, the one and only Gov. Bill Clinton of Arkansas; after all, Travolta is doing a terrible Bill Clinton impression, so I figure I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt. Emma Thompson is, of course, Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, I'll call everyone else names I see fit.

Somewhere in America, a shiny flag flies while people shake hands. In the periphery, some guy analyzes the handshaking talents of Gov. Bill Clinton (Travolta, of course), breaking down the nuances therein. The commentator turns out to be some sleazy guy (Paul Guilfoyle), whose play-by-play for young would-be staffer Henry Burton (Adrian Lester) becomes a recruitment pitch for the campaign. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is impressed by the size of Allison Janney's library, which she kindly shows off for him. He just has that power over women, I suppose. *nudge nudge wink wink* After the library tour, Bill Clinton sits in with a bevy of urban stereotypes all of whom Allison Janney taught to read. Just to pull on Bill Clinton's heartstrings, some guy recounts a story where he graduated from high school with perfect attendance; Bill Clinton counters with a tale of his lazy uncle.

Back at Henry's apartment, some woman nags him because he wants to work for Bill Clinton and she thinks he's an Uncle Tom for it. Henry, you have some bad taste in women. Henry, perhaps realizing my advice, leaves for Bill Clinton's office and meets with the rest of the staff . . . and Bill Clinton, who just got done getting it on with Allison Janney. Well, she does have an impressive . . . library. Perhaps to keep Henry quiet regarding his little "indiscretion," Bill Clinton kidnaps him and they ride a plane together to somewhere; all the while, Bill Clinton, disturbingly, cuddles with Henry.

Once at the undisclosed location – later revealed to be New Hampshire, Bill Clinton meets up with frigid Hillary (Thompson), who's been campaigning there in her husband's absence. Hillary, loving wife that she is, scolds her husband as soon as she sees him for being lazy – well, Hill; it does run in the family . . . or didn't he tell you about his uncle – and then complains because she doesn't want to go fly fishing. See, women out there: that's why men cheat. It's not "Oh, how was your day, honey?" or "Why don't you relax, dear?" but, instead, "blah, blah, whine, whine, complain, complain." Nagging wives: keeping prostitutes and strip clubs in business for millennia. Bill Clinton, however, proves to be forgiving of his wife's persnickety nature as he responds by feeling her up.

Over at a nearby motel, Bill Clinton freaks out because there's no cable in his room; he's a big Skinemax fan. After Hillary scolds him again, she then turns her attention to young Henry and begins interrogating him, even going so far as to burn him with hot tea in order to extract answers. Apparently, Henry has all the right answers, as he and Hillary then bond because he's idealistic and actually believes Bill Clinton's rhetoric. Sometime later, Henry calls his angry, nagging girlfriend, but she hangs up on him for betraying his race or something like that. Meanwhile, the sleazy guy runs errands for Henry and then Hillary, who can tell that Henry's sad about his crumbling relationship with an uppity harpy, gives him a pep talk.

Hillary's pep talk emboldens Henry once more, until he finds that the campaign office he's been tasked to run is filled with nitwitted hillbillies who don't understand a word Henry says. Henry, begrudgingly dumbs himself down, but, luckily for him, the hillbillies in the office come to understand just what Henry wants. Perhaps to congratulate Henry on a job well done, Bill Clinton drives up to meet with his protégé . . . and he's brought Billy Bob Thornton with him! Bill Clinton, to show his gratitude, once again kidnaps Henry and everyone ends up at a barbecue run by some unintelligible cook (Mykelti Williamson). I guess Bubba did survive Vietnam after all. While Bill Clinton, Billy Bob Thornton, and the cook bond over their mommas, Hillary talks shop with Henry and the sleazy guy. Somehow, over the course of their conversation, Billy Bob Thornton starts freaking out and the cook starts singing to calm him down. Everyone joins in, for no reason in particular other than because it couldn't be weirder or more random.

Henry, after this bizarre scene plays out, returns to his office, where he and the sleazy guy have a chat. Meanwhile, Billy Bob Thornton, just because he can, hits on a HOT CHICK staffer (Stacy Edwards) and whips out his wang. Rather than file a discriminatory lawsuit, the HOT CHICK staffer just mocks Billy Bob Thornton's endowment; Henry later provides the sexual-harassment rage as he berates Billy Bob Thornton for his insolence. Before some fisticuffs can break out, Bill Clinton interrupts the proceedings because he's going to dinner with some politician. At a barbecue, Bill Clinton and the politician schedule a meeting with some Italian-American governor of New York (i.e. Mario Cuomo) and then the politician one-ups Bill Clinton regarding some cocktail party and dinner event in New York that the governor is headlining, while Bill Clinton is to be the opening act. After dinner, Bill Clinton scolds Henry for demeaning him in front of the politician guy, but the situation is defused when Bill Clinton and Henry discover that the governor is truly an enemy and not an ally.

Sometime later, Bill Clinton and his crew debate strategies; meanwhile, Henry watches Shane ride off into the sunset. After Shane dies, Bill Clinton calls Henry to apologize for the outburst earlier and, as well, invite him to Thanksgiving dinner in fake Arkansas. Once at the governor's mansion, Henry discovers a bizarre political bacchanal filled with hangers-on and a very creepy doctor. Later that night, while Bill Clinton leads the crowd in a song, the news drops that Bill Clinton's current nemesis – the governor of N.Y. – has dropped out of the race; there is much rejoicing.

After Thanksgiving, the scene shifts to a Democratic debate, where Henry spies his uppity, angry ex-girlfriend in the audience. While Henry cowers in fear, crotchety candidates argue onstage. Finally, Bill Clinton pwns them all with his masterful rhetoric. After the debate, however, the uppity, angry ex-girlfriend questions Bill Clinton about his radical past and purged criminal records; Henry tries to fix the situation, but instead he ends up arguing with his uppity, angry ex-girlfriend and dumping her for good. You go, Henry!

Sometime later, Henry meets with Billy Bob Thornton and fellow staffer Maura Tierney and they all plan a meeting with Hillary to discuss the uppity, angry ex-girlfriend's revelation. At the meeting, Hillary brings some random friend – who looks like she escaped from an Atlantic City bus trip – along to watch as Billy Bob Thornton goes off on some bizarre analogy about the controversy at hand . . . or just a wild boar running down a guy relieving himself in the woods. It probably works figuratively and literally. Anyway, Hillary, not quite grasping Billy Bob Thornton's intellectual nuances, freaks out, so Henry explains the situation in plain English for her. Billy Bob Thornton finally returns to sanity and states that they need an investigator on staff to find all the possible controversies in Bill Clinton's past; Hillary's friend objects, but no one listens to her anyway because she's just an aforementioned hanger-on.

Henry retires back to his office and everything seems peaceful . . . until Kathy Bates shows up and starts yelling at Hillary's friend for no particular reason. After Henry settles her down, Kathy Bates reveals that she has a scheme because she knows all of Bill Clinton's secrets . . . mainly because Bill Clinton loves the booty knockin'. Wow . . . that's really a secret! Sometime later, Hillary leads a damage control meeting to thwart some controversy; meanwhile, Henry is too distracted by a donut shop to care. Henry, perhaps craving a coffee and a glazed, retreats to the donut shop and he finds Bill Clinton sitting at the counter inside. Ooh . . . Bill Clinton loves junk food and women! I wonder what other shocking revelations there will be! Bill Clinton and Henry bond over donuts and, because of that mundane conversation, Henry is once again optimistic regarding the campaign. Donuts . . . is there anything they can't do?

The next day, Kathy Bates calls Henry, who's busy getting it on with Maury Tierney; well, Bill Clinton earlier did tell Henry to get laid, so I guess it's a gubernatorial request. After Henry leaves Maura's bedside, Kathy Bates reveals, in a meeting, that not only does Bill Clinton have a mistress, but she has tapes of phone conversations they had as well! Dum-dum-DUM! Hillary, enraged at Bill Clinton's next indiscretion, slaps him around a bit; later, they reconcile enough to do a television interview together where she does most of the talking. Bill Clinton's jaw was probably sore from the make-up sex anyway.

Meanwhile, Henry drives over to visit with Kathy Bates and the HOT CHICK staffer, who is apparently now living with Kathy Bates. Oh, it's good to be Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates, after kissing the HOT CHICK staffer goodbye, leaves with Henry and they sing together in the car. They then watch the mistress's press conference, wherein she reveals the contents of the tape. Henry, ever observant, discerns that it's all a hoax, as Bill Clinton's portion of the tapes came from a phone conversation he had with Henry, specifically the one where Bill Clinton told Henry to get laid. Though Henry is ecstatic, Kathy Bates isn't impressed . . . but she does have everything all figured out. That's because she's Kathy Bates and no one messes with Kathy Bates.

To enact her plan, Kathy Bates meets with some sleazy lawyer, from whom she extracts a confession of making the tapes at gunpoint. Later, on Larry King's show, Maura Tierney messes with Larry King by playing a tape of him seducing some woman and then revealing it to be totally fabricated, getting Bill Clinton off the hook in the process. Unfortunately, Bill Maher still remembers, as he proceeds to crack jokes about Bill Clinton's libidinous ways anyway. The Daily Show, meanwhile, is oddly silent on the matter . . . probably because it didn't exist yet. Billy Bob Thornton, perhaps upset that he has to wait a few more years for his smarmy Craig Kilborn fix, freaks out at the thought.

Sometime after the controversy settles down, Bill Clinton visits a rundown New Hampshire factory . . . that is, a factory in New Hampshire, not a factory that makes New Hampshires. That'd just be weird. While unemployed factory workers sit around listening intently, Bill Clinton promises to be honest with them . . . and then he cracks a few jokes to lighten the mood. The crowd, much to everyone's delight, buys what he's selling. Later, for reasons unexplained, Henry has a breakdown while in bed with Maura Tierney; Billy Bob Thornton, perhaps to break the tension, pops by for a visit and joins them. Henry and Maura Tierney, uninterested in a threesome, shoo him off.

On the day of the New Hampshire primary, Hillary laments the dire situation because Bill Clinton loses to some other guy . . . even though Bill Clinton is still campaigning in the Manchester. The press, perhaps impressed with Bill Clinton's gumption, reward him with a close second place finish . . . and there is much rejoicing. After the primary – and after an attack ad by his main rival, Bill Clinton declares war on his latest nemesis and he lets loose his first salvo in a Florida retirement home. Sadly, there were no survivors. Meanwhile, Henry meets with the unintelligible barbecue cook, who reveals that Bill Clinton knocked up his daughter! Dum-dum-DUM!

Henry, ever the idealist, goes in search of the truth and he questions Bill Clinton about the incident. Bill Clinton, remarkably, admits to the indiscretion . . . sort of . . . and then he refuses it, just because he's smooth like that. To that end, Bill Clinton recruits Henry and the sleazy guy to handle the situation, so they head down to somewhere to meet once again with the unintelligible barbecue cook. Once there, the sleazy guy does all the work and gets the unintelligible barbecue cook to agree to an amniocenteses for his daughter. On the way back to the airport, Henry pukes on the side of the road, because this movie wouldn't be complete without some vomit.

Down in Florida, Bill Clinton has a radio interview with an egregious Jewish stereotype portrayed by Rob Reiner. While Bill Clinton charms the audience with his wit and candor, his nemesis calls in to counter Bill Clinton's charisma. Bill Clinton, master of rhetoric, duels his nemesis with the facts and then, using the power of his mind, he nearly kills his nemesis by inducing a pair of heart attacks! Wow; it's almost like Scanners. While Bill Clinton and his crew try to figure out their next move now that their competition has been incapacitated, Billy Bob Thornton questions Henry about the unintelligible barbecue cook. Later that night, Hillary, aware of the truth surrounding the unintelligible barbecue cook, visits Henry and slaps him around a bit before freaking out. Although the slapping around could also be considered part of the freaking out process, I suppose.

The next day, at a press conference, the nemesis' wife reveals that she has recruited Larry Hagman to exact her REVENGE against Bill Clinton. Larry Hagman reveals himself to be the anti-candidate – which I guess works like anti-matter, so the political universe will end if he and Bill Clinton get together – and he even outsmarts Charlie Rose. While Kathy Bates reveals to Henry that she knows about the situation with the unintelligible barbecue cook, Bill Clinton meets with Robert Klein about campaigning in New York. Once there, however, Bill Clinton realizes it's all for naught as women don't like him very much because he dares to be blatantly and openly heterosexual. The nerve of him! Meanwhile, Billy Bob Thornton and Robert Klein argue about a rabbi.

At a rally that night, creepy Larry Hagman addresses the crowd because he wants the country to calm down. Ah, there's nothing more successful than a campaign revolving around an old guy telling everyone to settle down. What's next? Telling everyone to get off his lawn? On the bright side, Larry Hagman reveals himself to be a fan of 411mania.com as he compares politics to professional wrestling. Well, there is little difference between crafting a sound byte and cutting a promo, after all. Sometime later, sadly disproving my theory about matter and anti-matter, Bill Clinton and Larry Hagman meet on Geraldo, which causes Billy Bob Thornton and Henry to argue for no reason. Unless they took sides on the matter/anti-matter theory as well. Somehow, Billy Bob Thornton ends up leaving, but there isn't much rejoicing this time.

Robert Klein, now as Billy Bob Thornton's stand-in, wants to investigate Larry Hagman, so they put Kathy Bates on the case. Oddly, this time she has qualms about her mission, as she was once a big fan of Larry Hagman, probably back in his I Dream of Jeannie days. Bill Clinton, using the awesome powers of his mind – which have already induced heart attacks, convinces Kathy Bates to get to work, so Kathy Bates and Henry head down to Florida to meet with Evil Goatee Tony Shalhoub. Evil Goatee Tony Shalhoub, much to Kathy Bates' and Henry's surprise, reveals that, years before, Larry Hagman dropped out of politics because he was a coke head. Evil Goatee Tony Shalhoub, to be all the more evil and live up to his goatee, even gives them the name of Larry Hagman's dealer, so Kathy Bates and Henry meet with him too . . . and learn shocking truths about Larry Hagman's past.

After their discoveries in Florida, Kathy Bates and Henry fill in Bill and Hillary Clinton about Larry Hagman's true history. Kathy Bates, much to her credit, doesn't want to use the information, so they all reminisce about their years together instead. Unfortunately, Hillary still wants to take down Hagman – hopefully she doesn't have him confused with J.R. Ewing; that was just a character, Hillary – so Kathy Bates turns the tables with more information about the unintelligible barbecue cook's daughter and Bill Clinton's involvement therein. Dum-dum-DUM! Apparently, he isn't the father of the girl's baby . . . but he did bone her. Way to go, Bill! All of the fun, none of the hassle . . . other than a political scandal, of course.

That evening, Kathy Bates freaks out while writing a note, and then she drops off Henry at his apartment . . . before killing herself. Bill Clinton, much to his credit – or discredit, depending on political leanings, speaks at her funeral. No word on whether or note he nailed the HOT CHICK staffer afterward, however. After the funeral, Bill Clinton and Henry drive over to Larry Hagman's mansion, where they have a little chat about Larry Hagman's cocaine days. Larry Hagman recounts that cocaine was a demon that ruined his life and even made him gay for a time, so he has a breakdown about it.

After the meeting, presumably during which Larry Hagman quit the presidential race, Bill Clinton sings to himself while Henry tries to quit the campaign. Just like the Mafia, however, every time Henry tries to get out, Bill Clinton pulls him back in, even though Henry still has misgivings due to Kathy Bates' tragic, self-inflicted demise. Bill Clinton, master orator, compares himself to Lincoln, which somehow causes Henry to reconsider his position. Later, Henry and the rest of the gang celebrate when Bill Clinton becomes president and lives happily ever after . . . until the vast, right-wing conspiracy kicks in.

Unlike the past two movies, Primary Colors, though a bit long, is actually fairly intriguing. Though quite dark, it unfortunately isn't quite a comedy, though it does end with the traditional happy ending. In addition, if one forgives John Travolta's at times annoying Bill Clinton impersonation and Emma Thompson's on again/off again accent, the performances are all rather compelling, even though Mike Nichols should've told fellow director Rob Reiner to tone it down a bit. The lone problem with the film I can see, more than anything else, is a matter of timing. Ten years or so after the fact, Primary Colors is an interesting glimpse into the fictionalized world of the 1992 presidential campaign; at the time, however, this was all just relatively current events, events that, more than likely, the audience was familiar with and, even more likely, tired of. Though it was timely for the late ‘90s, Primary Colors, a decade later, ends up being nothing more than a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I follow up politics with a little sex and the unneeded sequel to one of the most famously erotic films of the ‘80s. See you then!