Misunderstood Masterpieces 5.20.08: Another 9 ½ Weeks

Posted by Will Helm on 05.20.2008

…or, Who Knew Sex Could Be So Boring?

In 1986, a legendary erotic romance was released to theaters. Featuring the directorial talents of Adrian Lyne alongside the moody actor Mickey Rourke and nubile starlet Kim Basinger, this film stretched the boundaries of just what was possible in a mainstream movie. Shockingly, despite the risqué content and the infusion of that era's new hotness in Basinger, the film, 9 ½ Weeks, was a flop at the box office and critically panned. That's not to say that the film was a failure, however, as 9 ½ Weeks did find an audience . . . on videocassette. While the movie's box office run may have faltered, viewers enjoyed – though I don't really want to know just how much they enjoyed or how – the film in the comfort and privacy of their own homes, making the film one of the first home-video hits.

Even though nowadays a home-video hit usually warrants a cinematic sequel, it took ten years or so for a sequel to 9 ½ Weeks to see the light of day. Fittingly, rather than take another chance on theaters, the sequel was solely released to home video, meaning that box office returns were inconsequential . . . but rentals and word-of-mouth advertising became far more important. Unfortunately for 1997's Another 9 ½ Weeks – alternately titled Love in Paris, word-of-mouth advertising could not have been worse. In fact, even today, eleven years after its release, Another 9 ½ Weeks resides comfortably at #52 on IMDB.com's Bottom 100. Is the film this deserving of such vitriol . . . or is it a very deserving Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In a darkened hotel room, John Grey (Rourke), the first film's main character: a brooding, manipulative investment banker . . . and not John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, smokes heavily and broods as per his particular idiom. After he massages his gnarly foot and cries over his pimp watch – which is a piece of serious bling, he elects to play Russian Roulette; sadly, Mark L. Walberg is nowhere to be found. Remarkably, John wins the game – or loses, depending on his state of mind – so the movie can continue. It makes sense, though, as the name of the film is Another 9 ½ Weeks, not 5 Minutes.

Sometime later, a bra gets cut off during some razor play, because the film really needed to ratchet up the nudity after the last scene. I think the business calls it "winning back the viewers." Elsewhere, simultaneously, a horse has a seizure out on the street. Back in John's hotel room, a HOT CHICK maid interrupts his straight-razor fun with some room service. This must kill his buzz, as he allows a second HOT CHICK – specifically, the one with the half-cut-off bra – to leave while John watches some guy kill the epileptic horse out on the street. I'm sure this is supposed to be symbolic of something, but I can't grasp it at all. The second HOT CHICK, maybe jealous that John is paying more attention to the horse than her – perhaps he's thinking of Catherine the Great or something, returns to the room naked, but, as John is quite distracted, she gets dressed in a huff. John pays her for her time and companionship, but she eschews the breakfast that he bought her. Come on, now . . . that's hospitality, and you can't piss on hospitality!

After the HOT CHICK leaves, John thumbs through an art book and goes into a trance; somehow, this allows him to teleport onto a flight to Paris. Once in the City of Lights, John drives a BMW – badly – though the streets to a fancy hotel. In his room, John laughs at a random Eiffel-tower snowglobe for reasons unexplained and then takes a nap. Eh . . . maybe it's all just jetlag. Later that evening, John goes to an art auction, where he buys a goofy painting for 800,000 francs. Before he can leave with his purchase in hand, John is distracted by a redheaded HOT CHICK (model/actress Angie Everhart), which causes him to go on a spending spree as he buys up all of the artist's works.

After the auction, John catches up to the HOT CHICK and he chats her up a bit as they talk about the artist or something. I'm gathering that a lot of this had to do with the first film, but it's actually quite unclear at this point. Shame, shame, movie! John wants to make an appointment to meet with the artist, but the HOT CHICK gives John her number instead. Hmm . . . Angie Everhart in place of Kim Basinger? I'd call that a draw. Of course, just like many HOT CHICKS before her, this particular HOT CHICK – whose real name is Lea Calot, but is that really important? – just lets John record messages on her machine, rather than talk to him directly. Unfortunately, it seems John never watched Swingers, as he has no idea how dangerous answering-machine messages can be. Jon Favreau would not be proud . . . although he directed Iron Man, so it's cool.

Sometime later, John finally tracks down the HOT CHICK's French HOT CHICK assistant (Agathe de La Fontaine), who escorts John to the HOT CHICK's inexplicable fashion studio. Once there, John watches in the periphery as some stuffy fashion guy (Steven Berkoff) scolds the HOT CHICK, so she tears off some model's sleeve, just because that's fashion! After the HOT CHICK and John finally get some private time together, she immediately starts complaining about her day. Geez . . . and here I though John just wanted to tap it; I didn't know she thought hey were married! Before the HOT CHICK can bring up how John spends more time with his friends than he does with her and the fact that he is love handles are expanding, the stuffy fashion guy interrupts with some snooty comments. Perhaps to continue her nagging the next morning, the HOT CHICK invites John to breakfast . . . although "breakfast," judging from its last appearance, could be a post-coital euphemism.

That night, perhaps to work up an appetite for the next morning, John walks the streets of Paris . . . stalking the HOT CHICK. Eerily, John's not the only one following the HOT CHICK, as the stuffy fashion guy trails the HOT CHICK up to her apartment as well. Of course, as he is a stuffy fashion guy, his interests aren't prurient, as he merely complains about the HOT CHICK being late for some undisclosed event. Meanwhile, she just wants to take a bath; the stuffy fashion guy, somewhat hilariously and stereotypically, totally ignores that implication. Perhaps he's totally unaware that the correct response in that situation is "Can I join you?" Instead, the stuffy fashion guy totally flips out at the HOT CHICK's apparent laziness. You disappoint me, stuffy fashion guy. Turn in your man card and testes at the nearest office, please.

The next morning, John, who's probably tiring of the HOT CHICK's annoying tendencies, hangs out with the French HOT CHICK assistant instead. Well, she certainly is more endearing . . . and quite nubile. Unfortunately, she also suffers from logorrhea, as she unendingly rambles on about abstract art and the monotony of life. Remarkably, she isn't wearing a black turtleneck and beret; I suppose that would've been a little too stereotypical. John, sensing that the French HOT CHICK assistant divulges anything and everything, interrogates her about the HOT CHICK. Before she has a chance to respond, she and John end up on the roof of a museum or something where the HOT CHICK is waiting for John. He begrudgingly meets with her – I'm sensing that he actually has a crush on the French HOT CHICK assistant at this point – and asks her about the artist's whereabouts. The HOT CHICK, finally, confesses that the artist is married and in Tangiers now . . . and then she leaves, but John follows up with more questions. As she takes her leave, the HOT CHICK reveals that the artist was her best friend and then she gives John her shawl for no particular reason.

Back at his hotel room, John has a nervous breakdown over the paintings that he bought; he probably thought he paid too much, since the artist is still alive. To show just how mired in buyer's remorse he is, John breaks the Eiffel-tower snowglobe and one of the paintings. Grr . . . JOHN SMASH! Then, as the show of uncontrolled emotions probably tired him out, John takes another nap . . . until he's later awoken by an invitation. That afternoon, John follows the invitation to a dungeon, where the HOT CHICK is waiting for him. For reasons totally unexplained and inexplicable – other than the fact that this is the sequel to 9 ½ Weeks, John and the HOT CHICK start making out until she freaks out. Luckily for her, a family of American tourists arrives out of nowhere to rescue her and hilariously tell John that, as an American, he should know better. Ah, there's nothing like the combination of chivalry and jingoism.

After the family takes their leave, the HOT CHICK reveals that she knows all about John because she JUST HAPPENED to read the artist's diary about him. Somehow, this leads John and the HOT CHICK to bond a bit . . . until she challenges his manhood by saying that he isn't tough. Ooh . . . them's fightin' words! Although, instead of a brawl, a dance party breaks out! I guess that's how it works in Europe. While John mopes in the midst of the revelry, the HOT CHICK dances with Eurotrash on stage. Meanwhile, the French HOT CHICK assistant, who just happens to be there as well, stares at John, causing her abusive boyfriend (Dougray Scott) to assault her in the women's bathroom. Luckily for the French HOT CHICK assistant, John comes to her rescue – see, American dad; he does know better – and the HOT CHICK rescues John from any retribution. Yeah . . . the crowd might dance him to death or something.

John and the HOT CHICK retire to his car, where they bond as she leads him to a private club somewhere in the bowels of Paris. Once there, John and the HOT CHICK watch as greasy guys spin a dreidel and chicks bellydance. John and the HOT CHICK find a table together on the outskirts of the action, where they share some absinthe. Ooh . . . how moody . . . and overrated. Trust me; I know firsthand. The HOT CHICK, perhaps fueled by the placebo effect rather than wormwood, elects to gamble with John's money. He assents and, while she does something or other at the table, the alcohol content of the absinthe kicks in, making John all trippy. For no reason in particular, everyone starts clapping; meanwhile, two guys try to rob John, but the leather-clad doorman – who looks like he escaped from a Village People-look-alike contest – catches the perpetrators in the act. John and the HOT CHICK decide to leave, but, ironically, John's car gets stolen successfully. I guess the leather-clad doorman isn't that much of a hero.

The HOT CHICK, still on an absinthe high, leads John to the Paris docks, where he's attacked by a giant dog and leather-clad chicks dance. Something tells me the film just threw reality out the window a few moments ago. Somehow, John and the HOT CHICK end up rubbing up together against a pillar and, as well, John does something, but it's too dark to tell just what. I'll assume it's the Heimlich maneuver. Whatever it is, remarkably, makes steam shoot out of a nearby wall. I'm sure that's supposed to be evocative, but it just looks humid.

Somehow, John wakes up in his bed where he spies the HOT CHICK stealing his clothes. John, intrigued, secretly watches as the HOT CHICK dances and gets dressed; thankfully, she seems not to mind . . . but she leaves anyway. HOT CHICKS are always so callous; John probably wanted to cuddle a bit. Perhaps to gossip about the HOT CHICK while eating Ben & Jerry's, John hangs out with the French HOT CHICK assistant; meanwhile, the HOT CHICK suffers through another tirade from the stuffy fashion guy as he throws a tantrum. John, elsewhere, bonds with the French HOT CHICK assistant by a fountain and he teaches her not to be a tease, because that makes men go crazy. Is he being fatherly or trying to hook up? The answer is unclear, but they go out for coffee anyway.

That night, the French HOT CHICK assistant accompanies John to the HOT CHICK's fashion show, where the crowd goes wild and then fashion happens! John, of course, is disinterested, as he's more concerned with brooding in the background, as per his particular idiom. I'm guessing the director, Anne Goursaud, gave Mickey Rourke a "brooding quota" for the movie. Maybe to make time for more brooding, John leaves early, missing the HOT CHICK's curtain call. He sticks around after the show, however, meeting with the HOT CHICK onstage and they trade witty banter. Actually, I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying and couldn't care less to find out, so I'll assume it was witty banter.

After the show, the HOT CHICK takes John to the stuffy fashion guy's stuffy fashion party. Just to demonstrate how stuffy the party is, emotionless girls make out; John, of course, doesn't dig the scene. I guess there's not enough space for moping and/or brooding. John's even nonplussed when the lights go out and some performance art breaks out, involving a naked HOT CHICK – but not the redheaded HOT CHICK or the French HOT CHICK assistant – and some hot candlewax. The HOT CHICK – the redheaded one – senses that John's a little bored, so she escorts him away to another dungeon. Once there, the HOT CHICK blindfolds John and then she and another HOT CHICK strip him on a bed. After the HOT CHICKS help each other undress and dance badly, John spoils the fun by asking about the artist. While the HOT CHICKS sit back disappointed in John's disinterest, the stuffy fashion guy shows up out of nowhere to tell John that the artist is dead. Dum-dum-DUM!

Just to prove that fact, John visits the artist's grave and freaks out; the HOT CHICK must empathize, so she mopes too. John, with yet more questions in mind, tracks down the HOT CHICK and interrogates her yet again as he wants to know about the artist's demise. Finally, after nearly an hour or so, the HOT CHICK finally provides some much needed exposition. Apparently, according to the HOT CHICK, John turned the artist into a smack addict and she O.D.'d. Wow . . . that was an exciting story. Tell us another one, HOT CHICK! Anyway, for no reason other than to pad out the movie a bit, John and the HOT CHICK head to the opium den for answers; once there, John rescues the HOT CHICK from some hooligans and then he opens up to the HOT CHICK because he wants some company. Ah . . . he's brooding because he's lonely. That's so emo.

In the aftermath of this moment together, John and the HOT CHICK drive off together to a giant chateau in the country. John and the HOT CHICK stroll the grounds and make out a bit, accompanied by dialogue in voice-over, and then he gives her a bath. Proving that he is better than the stuffy fashion guy, John actually does take the time to join the HOT CHICK. Later that evening, John pelts a naked HOT CHICK with rose petals, which she enjoys. She's a weird HOT CHICK. Perhaps sensing that fact, John ramps up the intensity by pouring wine and honey all over her; something tells me this should've come before the bath, not after.

The next morning, John lights a cigar slowly while the HOT CHICK rambles about her fantasies; she then starts mumbling something about television and how she and John are somewhat alike. She's a MAN! Perhaps so, as John – unsurprisingly – mopes at the thought. The HOT CHICK, feeding off John's depression, tries to cheer him up with a little roleplaying, but it doesn't work. Upset and unfulfilled, John and the HOT CHICK drive back to Paris, but, perhaps symbolically, they end up in a ditch instead. John, upset at the disappointing handling of his BMW – which he somehow got back after it was stolen, smokes and mopes before he and the HOT CHICK hit the road again.

Back in Paris, the stuffy fashion guy visits the French HOT CHICK assistant, who's quitting the fashion business and moving back to the countryside. The stuffy fashion guy, meanwhile, totally ignores her feelings as he complains about John and his effect on the HOT CHICK. After the stuffy fashion guy leaves, filled with ennui, the French HOT CHICK assistant's abusive boyfriend shows up to slap her around; I guess it's a going-away present or something. Later that evening, John returns to his hotel room to mope, but he finds the French HOT CHICK assistant bruised and waiting for him. John, perhaps truly being fatherly, gives her a hug and doesn't fool around with her, proving that, yet again, as an American, he does know better.

Elsewhere, the HOT CHICK, who must've caught John's malady during their tryst, mopes; the stuffy fashion guy pays her a visit and gives her a letter and a key for reasons heretofore unexplained. That night, the HOT CHICK wanders to a seedy hotel – following the instructions in the letter – and she finds John waiting there. He reveals that he has a little present for the HOT CHICK, which somehow involves ordering her around and inviting another guy to join in. While John chills on the bed, the other guy messes with the HOT CHICK, freaking her out. After shooing away the other guy, John tries to calm down the HOT CHICK, but they make out instead. The next morning, John stares at the HOT CHICK lying in bed and then he abandons her, because he's a good guy. Or something like that.

While the first 9 ½ Weeks may be considered an erotic classic, its successor can best be called mind-numbingly dull. The best word I can use to describe the plot and tenor of Another 9 ½ Weeks is "European"; the film reeks of the aforementioned ennui and is filled with mock-existential drivel. In addition, the relationship between John and Lea seems largely a paint-by-number rehash of the first film. Meanwhile, the relationship between John and Claire (the French HOT CHICK assistant) is almost touching and could have been expanded further, humanizing John's character and making him seem like less of a brooding stereotype. For the most part, however, things just happen in Another 9 ½ Weeks, with little connection from scene to scene; this disjointed nature in addition to a lack of any action and/or drama make for nothing more than a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I kick off a trilogy of mid-‘90s kid flicks with an appearance from a late, great comedic genius. See you then!