What?!! This Column!?? 5.26.08: Issue #110

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 05.26.2008

TV Season Finale Thoughts: "Bones," "House," "NCIS," "Shark," "Criminal Minds," "Law & Order," "Ugly Betty," "Grey's Anatomy," some thoughts on Uwe Boll's latest predicament, Indy 500 thoughts, and more

What?!! This Column!?? Issue #110: TV Season Finale Thoughts: "Bones," "House," "NCIS," "Shark," "Criminal Minds," "Law & Order," "Ugly Betty," "Grey's Anatomy," some thoughts on Uwe Boll's latest predicament, Indy 500 thoughts, and more

Well, the writers strike abbreviated TV season is pretty much over ("Lost" has a two hour season finale coming up, which 411's own incredibly cool Ben Piper will no doubt cover in depth later this week) and, for the most part, there were a few interesting surprises thrown in, as well as some annoying as hell cliffhangers.

Wouldn't it be nice if TV shows stopped doing the cliffhanger thing at the end of every season and just did it every other season, or every two seasons? I don't know about anyone else, but I prefer my cliffhangers to appear during the regular flow of a season, not at the very, very end of the season. That way, there isn't anything really, truly pressing that I will likely end up forgetting about by the start of the next season in the fall. I guess that's not a problem for people who only watch a few TV shows, but for nerds like me and Al Norton who watch a lot of TV, sometimes things can get confusing. I don't want to have to start taking notes while watching TV like I do when I watch movies. I don't have that much money to spend on notebooks.

So, here I go with my thoughts on a few shows that ended this past week:

- "Bones": The ongoing "Gormagon" storyline, I assume, is over, with Booth (David Boreanaz) and an FBI SWAT team entering the killer cannibal's spooky lair and dropping him like a bad habit. Booth, of course, got the information from the Gormagon's apprentice, Zack Addy (Eric Millegan), Dr. Temprance "Bones" Brennan (Emily Deschanel)'s protege at the Jeffersonian. Okay, so am I the only one completely shocked by this revelation, or were there hints throughout the season that Zack was hiding something? Were there moments where he was missing while at the lab, sneaking into that bone warehouse place and stealing all of the K-9 teeth? Was there ever an indication that he was up to something? I know I don't remember anything particularly glaring. I'm going to assume that Millegan's character, while being arrested and thrown into a mental hospital for being a muderer and, for the lack of a better word, being a grave robber, will be back next season in some capacity. He'll either be let out on parole or something, or work at the Jeffersonian as part of his parole, or he's going to show up every now and then in some kind of advisory capacity. Or is there someone else waiting in the wings to take over Zack's position?

And I'm going to also assume that at some point in the next season the whole Bones/Booth sexual tension thing is going to come to a head and there will be a kiss (and a real kiss, not that missletoe thing where Bones said kissing Booth was like kissing her brother), or, if there is no kiss, a somewhat bizarre, uncomfortable series of moments where both Bones and Booth see one another naked. It just seems like something that's going to happen.

- "House": Okay, I don't know about all of you, but I'm really, really, really tired of the episodes where we "get inside" House's head. They're usually way too confusing to be entertaining, and I don't see where the show advances itself in any way (yes, we already know that House loves Cuddy and Wilson. I know that it's a big Emmy type moment for House to admit that, even in a dream, but we really don't need him to say it. Again, we already know it). I guess it's something the show has to do every now and then to provide something else other than the usual strange disease House's team has to find a cure for, with the really bad part of the disease, usually involving a stroke, at the 30-45 minute mark.

It will be interesting to see, though, how much Wilson holds House responsible for the death of his girlfriend Amber Volakis, aka the "cut throat bitch." I'd suspect that there will be major fireworks between the two in the first few episodes. Maybe it'll start out as one of those situations where Wilson is sort of his same old self with House, building up a hidden resentment that will then explode just in time for a major sweeps month episode. And what the heck is Cuddy going to do with two of her best doctors at eachother's throats? Just what kind of major hooha will we see in the hospital? And will we see Amber as a ghost at all during the first part of the season?

House's new team, I'm happy to say, are a great addition to the show. I was getting bored with the whole Cameron and Chase thing. I'm glad that we only see them every now and then. Seeing Omar Epps' Dr. Foreman in a somewhat reduced role is great, too, because his whole "House is a bad doctor and I don't want to be like him but I'm turning into him anyway" thing was getting incredibly boring. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if the show decides to combine both the old team and the new team, just so House's arguments can take up even more of the show and be more expansive. Kal Penn is quite good on the show, as is Peter Jacobson's Dr. Taub. Olivia Wilde's Thirteen is sort of the wild card character right now because she's the one who is most definitely going to get into the most arguments with House as the show progresses.

As for the last episode in particular, what was the deal with all of the feet? Was that supposed to signify everyone's common humanity or something?

- "NCIS": And so the two hour "NCIS" finale ended with the death of the character that should have died, NCIS Director Jenny Shepard (as played by Lauren Holly). Her character really didn't have anywhere else to go, and her character left the show with some dignity, which is more than Sasha Alexander's Kate Todd left with (although that was a fine head shot). And I'm oh so glad that they didn't belabor Shepard's "disease" thing, because I sure as heck didn't want to see her in a hospital bed, slowly dying from cancer or whatever the heck disease it was she was slowly dying from. It wouldn't have been in bad taste (NCIS, at least so far, hasn't engaged in anything resembling bad taste) it's just something I didn't want to see.

And thankfully Cote de Pablo's Officer Ziva David didn't bite the big one, like I thought she was going to earlier this year.

However, what the heck is going on with the new director breaking up the team? I can't imagine the "new" team lasting all that long, because odds are the "new" team won't have the same chemistry as the old team of Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Ziva, Abbey, Palmer, and Ducky. And, the show's ratings show that it isn't time to break up the main character set (you do that when the show is starting to get old and NCIS hasn't reached that moment just yet). But, since Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon, the man who holds the show together) is going to have a new team, who is going to be on it? Is "NCIS" going to have a new team of nobodies or will we see a few "name" type actors make the jump to the show?

- "Shark": Well, the "Shark" series finale was pretty decent, with James Woods' Sebastien Stark almost blowing a guy away for kidnapping his daughter and being a murderering scumbag. I would have liked to see the show end with a two hour finale as opposed to a one hour finale, because the show felt somewhat rushed (and it would have been nice to see Kevin Pollak a little more, and Jeri Ryan in some capacity. Didn't she just have a kid?).

As I said last week, it freaking blows that CBS has canned the show. The network never should have removed the show from Thursday nights.

So, will Stark's team find work on other shows? Steady work? Or will they all be relegated to the realm of constant guest star? I'd like to see both Sarah Carter and Henry Simmons get work on another show. I know that Stark's daughter Julie, played by Danielle Panabaker, will be appearing in the "Friday the 13th" remake/reimagining/whatever the heck you want to call it, so if she does well in that I'm sure she'll have a decent enough movie career in front of her. I don't know what the heck the others are going to do (like Kevin Alejandro. He can't go back to "Ugly Betty," since his character died. Maybe he'll end up on that new biker show on FX with Ron Perlman).

And I hope that Jimmy Woods gets another steady TV gig on something (maybe he'll get a guest spot on one of the "Law & Order" shows). Or a chance at some better movie parts.

Too bad that CBS pulled the plug on the show.

- "Criminal Minds": So who the heck was in the SVU that blew up? I think it was either Morgan or Hotch and that hot blonde English chick. I wouldn't be surprised if it is Morgan because it would be a fine way to get him out of the show (I've always figured that if someone on the main cast was going to leave the show it would be Morgan (Shemar Moore). He has that great leading man look, and he's got the charisma to be the next breakout movie star, either in a drama or in an action movie. If it's Hotch (Thomas Gibson) and the blonde English chick (I don't know who played her), I have no explanation for that beyond Gibson wanting off the show for whatever reason (I always figured he'd be the guy they'd have to drag out of the studio kicking and screaming). And with Gibson gone, the show's producers can put Moore in the number two spot behind Joe "Fat Tony" Mantegna.

If it is someone else, I have no idea who it could be.

Mantegna's David Rossi has sort of changed the tone of the show. When Mandy Patinkin's Jason Gideon was the defacto head of the BAU, the show had more of a horror/dark thriller feel to it (during the show's first two seasons I often wondered why Fangoria hadn't covered the show). With Rossi, it's still sort of a dark thriller, just not as intense. It's become more of a nasty crime procedural. Well, at least that's the way the show feels to me anyway.

I do like Mantegna on the show, though. He didn't try to replace Patinkin, he made his own contribution to the show and, as I said, changed the tone of the show.

I can't wait to find out who was in the truck.

- "Law & Order": I thought it was hilarious how Sam Waterson went around telling people that the "L & O" season finale wasn't about disgraced New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, because it so obviously was. And I can't wait to see how the New York governor on the show, Governor Donald Shalvoy, as played by Tom Everett "Guy Patterson" Scott, tries to destroy Waterson's NY District Attorney Jack McCoy. Because you just know that Shalvoy is going to engage in some low down, dirty, nasty ass stuff, and you know that McCoy is going to fight back with equal amounts of non-sleaze (because McCoy just isn't about sleaze. He's about being a prick).

And is it me, or did the season finale sort of suggest that's what Spitzer should have done in real life, fight to the death, until the very end, pull out all of the stops, etc?

And wouldn't it be cool to see at some point during the next season new ADA Michael Cutter lose his Blackberry? It'd be hilarious.

- "Ugly Betty": As we all saw, the show ended with Betty standing on her porch, with a plane flying overhead, perhaps suggesting that she chose long time boyfriend wannabe Henry over Gio, as Gio was going to take her to Italy on a surprise vacation. I think the opposite is true, though. I think Betty actually chose Gio over Henry, because Betty knows deep down that she'll never be able to have the kind of relationship she wants with Henry because of his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his child. Gio is a better match for her anyway. At least for right now.

I don't know how the whole Amanda looking for her real father thing is going to pan out since the show sort of blew its wad already with Gene Simmons not being Amanda's father. I don't know how they can top that. And I don't know how much longer they can have that story line go on.

I'd like to see more from Christina and her whole surrogate pregnancy thing. There's got to be great comedy in that situation somwhere.

As for the whole Lindsay Lohan thing that's likely to enrapture the tabloid press once it's revealed how many times she's going to appear on the show, I think it's obvious that Lohan needs to be on a show like this (a light comedy show with good writing). She's really not a "serious" actress, no one can take her seriously since she can't stay out of the tabloids. I think it'd be great if she became a show regular. I mean, hey, Rebecca Romijn has decided to go all artist on us and leave the show as a regular. Why not plug Lindsay into the show in Rebecca's place?

And finally,

- "Grey's Anatomy": Thank Drake the whole whining Meredith/whining McDreamy thing is about to end and they're finally going to get married. Although I have a feeling that once they start building their dream house there's going to be all kinds of bullshit drama hooha over the house and at the end of the next season we're going to be right back where the show started, with Meredith and Derek playing coy with one another.

Please, please, please, end it.

And can the show please get rid of Alex? And Izzie for that matter? I think it's about time Alex has a fatal accident (like maybe his new girlfriend poisons him and then commits suicide by setting herself on fire). And Katherine Heigl's Izzie has become an absolute bore (she wants to go do movies full time, let her).

I want to see more of Charles Pickering's Chief of Surgery Richard Webber and how he's going to balance his new relationship with his wife, as played by Loretta Devine (how the heck is she going to balance her role on this show and her role on the recently renewed "Eli Stone"?).

And how much "lesbian" stuff are we going to see between Dr. Erica Hahn and Dr. Callie Torres? Is this going to be a hot and heavy storyline that's going to annoy the heck out of religious wackos and other assorted anti-gay groups, or will it be dropped quickly? I thought Sandra Oh's Christina Yang was supposed to do the lesbian thing with Hahn. Perhaps we're going to see Isiah Washington's Preston Burke again in some capacity.

So, now onto the summer TV season. "The Closer," "Saving Grace," "Monk," "Psych," new episodes of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," that new Mary McCormack show on USA "In Plain Sight," and whatever the heck else is supposed to debut this summer. Is "Rescue Me" coming back?

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"American Idol" is now, thankfully, over, and the Fox network has moved on to its next contest show abomination "So You Think You Can Dance." I can't stand this show at all, especially the audition shows, which are actually worse than the "Idol" audition shows. The judges are all douchebags (especially the modern dance one, whatever the heck her name is. Mia? And the middle judge, Mary the ballroom dancer, is one of the most disgusting people I have ever seen on any TV show ever. Ever. The only worse than her is hip hop scumbag Shane Sparks, who I guess isn't going to appear on the show this year). I can't stand the audition shows for the same reason I can't stand the "Idol" audition shows: I'm really, really tired of the judges freaking out when someone who is absolutely terrible shows up to audition. These awful dancers are not wasting your time since you fucking invited them to show up. If you don't want terrible dancers auditioning for your show, create stricter audition rules, or get better pre-main judging juges to weed out the people who can't dance. But then again you wouldn't have much of an audition show if you didn't have terrible dancers, as that's the main draw for those shows, isn't it? It's always fun pushing the fat kid down the stairs, right?

It's going to be a long ass summer with this goddamn show.

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If you're looking for a fun book to read about movie making, I suggest you hunt down a copy of Lloyd Kauffman's Make Your Own Damn Movie. I'm about halfway done with it, and it's freaking hilarious. If you want to know what it takes to make an ultra low budget Troma movie, this is the book to read to find out all about it. And if you like books with many, many, many, many, many asides, Make Your Own Damn Movie is the book for you.

While reading the book, I started to wonder if the recent news about the major release of Uwe Boll's "Postal" being pulled for a much, much smaller release is a good thing. I mean, yeah, Boll isn't exactly the world's greatest director ("House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark" were just awful, although I did kind of like "Bloodrayne" and "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale," which I reviewed for 411), and odds are "Postal" is terrible, but why should that prevent a movie from getting a major release, since the major studios release garbage all of the time? It's not like "Postal" would have taken screens from a movie "more deserving" of a larger release, since it seems the smaller movies that we all say are more deserving of a major release never get that larger release anyway. Most of those places that decided to get rid of "Postal" probably just added another screen for "Iron Man" or "Indiana Jones 4."

Shouldn't we try to support all of the smaller, somewhat out there movies, even the garbage, in the hope that their success will lead to more marginal movies getting wider releases?

I don't know. It just seems like that's what we should be doing.

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Well, the 92nd Indy 500 has come and gone, with Target Chip Ganasi driver Scott Dixon dominating the race and winning, as I predicted here in Jim Carson's awesome weekly racing column for the site. It was great to see Vitor Meira pull off a thrilling second place finish. I don't know if Meira could have caught Dixon with another restart, and if he did pass him I don't know if he could have held Dixon off since Dixon was just so damn strong the whole day.

I'd love to see car owner Michael Andretti have a sitdown talk with his son Marco Andretti for pulling that bullshit on teammate Tony Kanaan, and for just being a douchebag in general. If Michael isn't careful he'll lose Kanaan (maybe Tony will show up in NASCAR with Dario next year in another Ganasi car).

Sarah Fisher just can't catch a break. A good, decent, honest sponsor needs to show up and help her out so she can run at Kentucky and maybe another race this season and perhaps a full season next year because if there's someone in the IRL who needs a break it's her. She's been screwed over so many times she deserves something goddamn good to happen.

As for Danica, there's nothing wrong with her being pissed about what happened in the pits since Ryan Briscoe, who actually did way better than I thought he would (Roger Penske sure knows how to run a goddamn race), but she needs to ask ESPN and ABC to stop listening in on her communications with her crew, because she sounds like a whining jagoff on the radio. It doesn't help her image.

Milka Duno also had a solid run going until she spun out. I don't know what the heck happened to Dan Wheldon. I thought he would have had slightly better luck. And once again Davey Hamitlon had a good run, finishing on the lead lap in 14th place. I think Hamilton has earned the right to run a few more times this season on the ovals (hell, I think he's earned the right to take AJ Foyt IV's ride).

Now, it's on to Milwaukee next week. That should be a good race.

As for the Coca-Cola 600, which isn't over as I'm writing this, it's been an interesting race, slightly better than expected, but I think it's about time people like Jeff Hammond and some of the other NASCAR diehards realize that the Indy 500 is the biggest race in the world and will likely always be the biggest race in the world, much bigger than the World 600. In five years, people will know that Scott Dixon won Indy. In five years no one will remember who won the Coke 600. Just get over yourselves, accept it, and move on. Even NASCAR apologist Rusty Wallace has accepted it.

And what was that bullshit with that scumbag Robert Shuller and the Pledge of Allegiance?

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This week, the "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag of the Week" is split between NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series driver Todd Bodine and Sprint Cup driver Denny Hamlin. Bodine gets the nod for his whining about eventual race winner Donny Lia drilling David Starr on the last lap to get by him for the win. Bodine ended up third. In the post race interview, he went off on Lia for "dirty driving." What a crock of shit, especially from a Bodine. Todd's been a freaking whiner his whole career, probably an even bigger whiner than Brett and Geoff Bodine, which is saying quite a bit. If Todd Bodine had been in a position to win and he "needed" to bump Starr out of the way, you can bet your ass he would have kocked him out of the way. So, please, Todd, just be happy that you've accomplished more in NASCAR than Wally Dallenbach and leave it at that. As for Denny Hamlin, his bullshit whining in the Nationwide series race over Brad Keselowski's bumping under the caution. Hamlin had no business trying to rip Keselowski's front bumper off and he no business complaining about anything after the race. Just shut the fuck up Denny and complain when there's reason to complain.

What the hell is the Gibbs team going to be like if Tony Stewart does leave? Joe Gibbs is going to probably wish he was still coaching football. Less bullshit to deal with.

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No new news on the "Jericho" front, at least as far as I know there isn't. June 17th is getting closer and closer, though, and that means we'll be able to pick up the second season of "Jericho" on DVD. If we make that DVD a mega success, and keep buying the first season, and keep watching the reruns that may still be on the Sci Fi Channel (I haven't seen the show on the cable channel in a good long while so I don't know if they're done with it), "Jericho" can come back in some form (another season, TV movies, direct-to-DVD movies). I know we all want to see that happen, right?

Exactly.

Go check out the following links for the show, and don't forget to check out the Jericho Rangers 4 the Troops website, which is a great campaign to send DVD's of the second season of the show to troops overseas. It seems like a great program.

http://www.jerichoseries.com

http://www.jerichooncbs.tumblr.com/

http://www.jerichorallypoint.com

http://www.radiofreejericho.com

http://www.jericholives.com

http://www.jerichowiki.cbs.com/

http://www.jerichonet2.com/

http://www.jerichorangers4ourtroops.com/

Long live "Jericho"!

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I think that'll be it for this week. Don't forget to check out the 411mania.com's movie zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen. Please also check out my mother column here at the movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. This link is actually to last week's column, as I didn't get a chance to do a B-movie column this week (long goddamn story there). I'll have a brand spanking new column up next week, though.

"Peter: We all love the bible in this house.

Francis: Really? What's your favourite book of the bible.

Peter: Umm ... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece, and the man in a big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital."

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer sucks.

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