The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 06.01.08: Issue #15

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.01.2008

"Attack Force" (2006) and "Monster Man" (2003)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to issue number fifteen of the internets movie review column that has never seen Cindy Crawford eat a hamburger in the shower, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue I take a look at the Steven Seagal starring direct-to-DVD "action" movie, "Attack Force," and the 2003 horror-comedy "Monster Man," from Michael Davis, the writer/director of "Shoot 'em Up."

Attack Force


"Attack Force" is the third Steven Seagal direct-to-DVD action movie I've seen, and of the three, it is easily the worst. It makes very little sense, it takes way too long for anything interesting to happen, and Seagal, the flick's main draw, looks incredibly bored throughout, which is shocking considering he's listed as a co-writer of the screenplay. When the star, who is also a producer and the co-screenwriter, looks like he'd rather be doing something else, there isn't much a director (in this case, Michael Keusch) or an audience can do except get through the ordeal and, hopefully, move on to something else.

The flick starts out with Seagal's Commander Marshall Lawson driving a humvee (well, at least I think that's him driving the humvee) just outside the Majestic Research Facility, which happens to be in the USA (where exactly in the USA is never revealed). Some bad stuff is going down there. Someone is stealing something. Or something. I don't really know. But a truck explodes, Lawson rams a knife into a guy's forehead, a helicopter targets a motorcycle with a missile, and Lawson and his team retrieve the stolen goods. The story then shifts to France, where Lawson either has to initiate another retrieval operation or just some other operation or is there to train operatives for the super secret bad ass U.S. military agency he works for (an agency that apparently has unlimited, worldwide authority to do whatever the hell it wants. Seagal has a badge that he just flashes to whoever and they do what he wants them to do). So Lawson and his sidekick Dwayne Dixon (David Kennedy) arrive in "Paris" and meet up with three new operatives/trainees/dudes. The trainees ask Lawson if they can go out and have a night on the town and get laid, which Lawson eventually agrees to. The trainees go to a nearby dance/strip club and ask some guy if he can get them a woman. The woman the trainees get, Reina (Evelyne Armela O'Bami), is ultra super sexy and agrees to get it on with all three of them. So they take Reina back to their apartment.

Big mistake.

Reina, brandishing a bizarre knife, kills all three of them with great efficiency. Lawson and Dwayne, who have been sitting in the hotel lobby or a bar or somewhere, wearing leather coats and grimacing because that's what they do (well, Lawson gets it on briefly with Tia, played by Lisa Lovbrand, who is also a super secret US military government bad ass, so it's a nice pairing), eventually find out that their men are dead and start investigating. To make a long story short, Lawson, Dwayne, and Tia find out that the trainee deaths can be attributed to a super secret drug called CTX, developed by the military and, I assume, Majestic, a drug that can turn a person into a super killer (which explains why Reina was able to kill three super secret U.S. miltary bad asses in training). A man named Werner (Danny Webb), and the dance club owner Aroon (Adam Croasdell), are the ones behind using the drug and, most nefariously, plan on putting the drug in the Paris water supply, potentially creating a European capital city full of super killers.

Now, before all of that bullstuff, there's alleged backstabbing and intrigue, as the U.S. miltary tries to take down Lawson for some reason, only to then team up with him again in the final assault on Werner's headquarters. I assume this is where the "Attack Force" of the title comes in. Lawson leads an "Attack Force" into the Werner compound to get him and stop the spread of the deadly drug. So why is the "Attack Force" of the title some random grouping of stuntmen and extras and not the name of Lawson's group, or the codename of the CTX drug and the "super soldier" plans the military obviously had come up with before everything went to hooey? And why does absolutely nothing happen in the middle forty or so minutes of the movie? At that point why does it feel as though this ninety minute action yarn has about three hours left in it?

It's too bad because there was a real chance here to not only make an pretty good action movie with sci-fi/horror elements in it, but also to have an enemy that could actually threaten Seagal's character and inject some level of suspense into whether or not the ultimate movie bad ass (that's Seagal) can be beaten by a drugged up super soldier with shifty eyes and a hidden knife? I mean, yeah, we all know that Seagal is going to come out on top and break some wrists and ankles along the way (that's what he gets paid to do), but making it look like Seagal might not be able to break as many wrists and ankles and could, in fact, be in danger of getting his hair mussed up or his "Shaft" coat dirty, that's damn near high drama. What's wrong with B-movie high drama?

And can someone please explain to me what happens at the end? What the heck is with all of the slow motion?

And why is Seagal's voice dubbed in some parts but not in others?

Again, it's just too bad, because there's potential here for a good movie.

"Attack Force" could have been fun.

But it blows.

So what do we have here? Pretty cool opening titles music, a humvee, gratuitous Steven Seagal, exploding truck, throat slashing, hidden motorcycles, gratutious helicopter flying overhead, targeting a motorcycle with a missile, knife through the forehead, gratuitous dubbing Steven Seagal with a voice that doesn't sound anything like him, gratuitous guys sitting around talking about what a bad ass Steven Seagal is, making out in a car, more throat slashing, gratuitous dance strip club, gratuitous killer black chick, fake drunk karate, head nodding, gratuitous Steven Seagal making out with a hot babe, barfing, kissing a hooker (since when do you get to do that?), a potential Devil's Fourway, blood on the window, pulling a guy through a wall, gratuitous Steven Seagal flashing a badge that every local authority in the world kowtows to, a special autopsy, gratuitous Steven Seagal pissed because he can't get into somewhere with his special badge, a long explanation of what's going on that makes no sense, head stomping, handcuff breaking, car hood bullstuff, killing a guy in a cemetary, gratuitous Steven Seagal threatening to go to "the admiral" to get carte blanche, a massive fight, chick flying through multiple walls, a falling staircase, knife torture, guard killing, gratuitous flashlight on a gun, a clothesline, double head shot, gratuitous final siege, even more throat slashing, neck breaking, old woman killing, a blown off cheek, gratuitous Steven Seagal using a shotgun, gratuitous Steven Seagal knife fight, a river of blood out of a man's mouth, dude set on fire via kerosene lamp, boob cutting, and driving off in slow motion.

Best lines: "Do we stand down, sir?," "Okay, children, let's go," "There's just two things you got to know about Marshall Lawson. One, he's a bad motherfucker, and two, he's a bad motherfucker," "These fucking guys have no idea what they're up against," "Requesting permission to leave the premises," "This is the best day of my life!," "What's your pleasure?," "I'm next. At least I can get it up next," "Nah, don't bother. They're all dead," "Can't have you upsetting the girl," "Revenge is a two-way street," "I.D. please, this is a restricted area," "Didn't I tell you to stay out of sight?," "Lambert, this is still a U.S. military investigation," "Get the fuck out of here before I have your French ass kicked out," "Listen to me you arrogant little prick," "I need access to an armory," "Dwayne, meet CTX, CTX, meet Dwayne," "I have orders to shut you down," "It's amazing what kind of corruption you can buy these days," "Oh, you're going to regret that, soldier boy," "Need a light?," "Of course, you know, there will be consequences," "Marshall, don't shoot, we need her alive!," "Nice timing, Dwayne," "We're fucked, aren't we?," "Send in a strike team, soft entry," "Are you sure this is secure?," "Check the eyes for changes in dilation," "Go fuck yourself," "Let's head to the cathedral," "The eyes! Check the eyes!," "I told you there'd be consequences," "I lost everybody, sir. They're all dead," and "So, now you're going to kill me, Marshall?"

Rating: 5.0/10

Monster Man


And then there's "Monster Man," a movie that starts out with a man getting his head crushed in a vice.

Yeah, that's what I said.

The flick starts out with a man getting his head crushed in a vice. It's a shockingly hilarious way to start out a movie that, as soon as its main story begins, wants you to know that you're not supposed to take any of this seriously, that you're supposed to have fun. For the most part, writer-director Michael Davis manages to strike the right balance between goofy comedy and gore filled horror, right up until the end, when the flick almost tops the head in a vice.

The flick stars Eric Jungmann as Adam, an awkward nerd driving seemingly cross country (not really cross country, but it's a great distance that involves him riding on roads that are hardly travelled) to the wedding of his one true love, Betty Anne something. Along for the ride is his sometimes best buddy Harley (Justin Urich), a boisterous, heavy set douchebag that can't stop pestering Adam about his lack of a sex life. Harley wasn't invited on the trip, he actually hid out in the backseat of Adam's car and didn't reveal himself until well into the trip. We spend some time getting to know these two young men as they travel through the little villages, towns, and whathaveyous they come across while on the road. Adam and Harley are out essentially in the middle of nowhere, among assorted rednecks, hillbillies, and countrified weirdoes who clearly don't like Harley's smart mouth (while in a bar Harley makes fun of the locals watching a monster truck show on television, which is something you obviously don't want to do in this neck of the woods). It's a minor miracle that they didn't get their asses kicked sooner.

Things seem to be going well enough, though. They manage to deal with a busted fuel line and a loss of gas by siphoning gas from a believed deserted van on the side of the road, they get out of the restaurant alive, and they survive being passed by a spooky hearse out on the open road and an attack by a gigantic monster truck like vehicle that looks like it has a mouth. They don't run into the monster truck again until they stop at a gas station and Adam, while using one of the nastiest public bathrooms in movie history, finds out who is driving the monster truck.

A very, very scary looking man. A monster man.

Adam and Harley get the heck out of town and down the road, hoping that they've left the monster man and his huge vehicle behind them. They then meet a hot as all hooey hip and edgy pseudo Goth hitchhiker chick named Sarah (Aimee Brooks), who the boys pick up and quickly start to fight over. Harley tries to embarass Adam by telling Sarah that he's a virgin and Adam tries to keep his lust for Sarah to himself all the while trying to get Harley to shut the hell up. Sarah eventually lets her "true" feelings be known to both Adam and Harley (you can see where it's going quite quickly), and the two person trip to wherever quickly becomes a three person trek.

A three person trek into hell and hooey and a plot twist I saw coming a mile away but it still works well enough anyway.

Jungmann and Urich have great chemistry, as they both inhabit their characters with gusto. Jungmann is great as the repressed nerd with a velcro fetish (there's a great bit where we see just how much he loves the stuff). You really feel for him when Harley just goes on and on about how much sex he's had and what women really want and how much of a wuss he thinks Adam is for not only driving across the country to see the love of his life get hitched to another man, but for not "manning up" and trying to score with Sarah right away. Well, at least I felt for him. Jungmann is also a gifted physical comedian (watch him in the public bathroom stuff the paper into the "cock fun" hole in the wall. Hilarious). Urich is both funny and completely fucking annoying as Harley. He's like the jagoff who is always hanging out in a comic book store telling the store's male nerd customers that they're all losers and they'll never have as much sex as he's had (kind of like a Kevin Smith). If you don't realize that he's a total douchebag from the constant "F" bomb dropping, the sexual innuendo, and the scenes where he screams at the local bar patrons, you'll eventually realize that he is a douchebag when you find out that he's wearing clogs. Yeah. Clogs. Much in the same way that there are only two kinds of guys who wear Hawaiian shirts, gay guys and big fat party animals, there are only two kinds of guys who where clogs in movies: gay guys and total douchebags. I don't even want to talk about the speedo.

And then there's Aimee Brooks as Sarah. Brooks is hot and cute and funny, but for some reason she doesn't get naked during her sex scene with you know who. I don't fully understand why that decision was made, because, really, why tease us with it the whole movie and then not deliver? She does kind of make up for it, though, by writing "A-hole" on Harley's forehead, her funniest bit in the flick. And Michael Bailey Smith does a great job as the Monster Man. He's huge, and his scary make up is, well, scary, so great choices all around there. I know Smith was in the "Hills Have Eyes" remake and sequel, but wasn't he also up for Jason in the new "Friday the 13th" movie? He'd make a great Jason.

You should definitely track down "Monster Man," either on DVD or on cable (that's where I caught it). It's worth checking out. Great job, Michael Davis. You should make a sequel to this before you make a sequel to "Shoot 'Em Up." Or have Clive Owen's Smith face off against the Monster Man. I bet it'd be a blast.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous man's head in a vice, skull cracking, skull popping, blood out of the mouth, a bobblehead dog, a window compass, a clown head on the car antenna, gratuitous white mask face killer joke, titty twisters, a magnetic hide-a-key, a car lowjack, the Club, a little black book that Adam uses to track car mileage, gratuitous automatic car window torture, gratuitous scary hearse, gratuitous discussion about female pubic hair, gratuitous monster trucks on TV, pencil sharpening, gratuitous velcro, a dead cat, urinating on the side of the road, a hilarious skin head rant, gratuitous being attacked by a monster truck, gratuitous roadside wussy fight including a superwedgie, a Boston Crab, and head scissors, a busted fuel line, gratuitous paper up the nose, gratuitous talk about silicone implants in a dead body, running into a tree, gratuitous gas siphoning (after some really nasty siphoning of other stuff), a big ass pentagram in the dirt, gratuitous talk about "Citizen Kane" being the world's biggest practical joke, a hot chick hitchhiker, yelling "Rosebud" in slow motion, the nastiest public toilet in movie history, galoshes, a plugged up toilet, cleaning off a toilet seat, vulgar messages on the bathroom stall walls, hiding in the bathroom, a cock hole, urinating into a monster truck, gratuitous Swiss Army knife, a guy getting a pretzel stick stuck in his ear, sleeping, "wet snatch," hand in goo, gratuitous oral sex on a dead cat, a flat tire, a speedo, a public phone, gratuitous various people missing limbs, copping a feel on a sleeping woman, another wussy fight, writing "A-hole" on someone's forehead, milk drinking, kick to the balls, making out, nose bleeding, gratuitous sexual "Star Wars" joke, a total lack of female nudity, a spitting cop, gratuitous oral origin of Monster Man, gratuitous scrarecrows made out of people, chugging a Coke and burping, a story about ejaculation, chili and hot dog eating, a nasty stew, car smashing, gratuitous monster truck chase, a gooey dead body, tree hitting, knife sharpening, shovel to the head, gratuitous stuff about finding a human torso, gratuitous witchcraft and Devil worhsipping hooey, gratuitous incest talk, throat slitting, pencil to the eye, key eating, running over a body with a monster truck for several hours, and a hilarious ending.

Best lines: "I got you, Adam!," "I never liked Betty Anne," "If I was an athropologist 200 years in the future and I came across your car I'd still deduce that you're a wussy," "You're not a mussy. You're a complete wussy," That was weird," "The skank can deep throat a gardenhose," "These rednecks must have an IQ the same number as my underwear size to enjoy this," "If a vehicle could take Viagra it would look like a monster truck," "Did you know you suffer from diarrhea of the mouth?," "You're 25 and you've never done it?," "This can't be happening!," "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to flip you off, man!," "I feel like we just played 'drop the soap' with Godzilla," "Stop it Adam! Stop it or I'm going to fart on you!," "Oh, come on, man, stop being such a douche. You're being such a fucking douche," "Hey, man, that's not the gas tank, that's the sceptic tank," "Rosebud," "Oh, man, I've been waiting my whole life to fuck up like this," "We've got to call the police. And tell them what, I sucked in a mouth full of shit?," "I'm gonna get you," "You are like one bong hit away from having no brain cells left at all," "If he kills you can I tell Betty Anne that I love her?," "Nice outfits," "So, what were you guys doing out in the middle of the night in your underwear?," "Biology is destiny," "Don't you want to know if she's got root beer colored nipples?," "Adam, hmm, I love the way you touch me," "Whoo, sweet jelly, she likes me better!," "Hey, what are you staring at A-hole?," "Whoo! You just got beat up by a girl!," "Are you really a virgin?," "I feel the Force flwoing through you!," "You dang kids are up to your assholes and elbows in trouble," "You angling to get in on some drop the soap action, boy? Cause if you are I'll put you in a cell full of hardy hard ons that'll stretch your ass out until it looks like a spare tire," "Fuck face!," "You are next!," "This road is really creeping me out," "I'm the kind of guy that puts 'ick' in the word 'dick'," "Dude, I think I just ate someone!," "I'm a corpse burrito dude!," "Harley, get rid of those goddamn clogs!," "Shit is right," "Bye, Adam. You'll always be a part of me," "Now your name really is fuck face!," "Oh, you're bleeding badly now," "I think you got him," and "End? This can't be the end! I'm still alive, and I was gonna fuck my sister! Now what am I gonna do? This sucks!"

Rating: 8.5/10

***

Well, that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Attack Force"

Steven Seagal- Commander Marshall Lawson
Lisa Lovbrand- Tia
David Kennedy- Dwayne Dixon
Danny Webb- Werner
Adam Croasdell- Aroon
Andrew Bicknell- Robinson
Mathew Chambers- Seth
Mark Dymond- Phil
Del Synnott- Carl
Evelyne Armela O'Bami- Reina
Directed by Michael Keusch
Screenplay by Joe Halpin and Steven Seagal, based on a story by Joe Halpin
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Video
Rated R for strong violence, language, and some sexuality
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here




"Monster Man"

Eric Jungmann- Adam
Justin Urich- Harley
Aimee Brooks- Sarah
Michael Bailey Smith- Monster Man
Joe Goodrich- Brother Fred
Directed by Michael Davis
Screenplay by Michael Davis
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for strong violence and gore, language, and some sexuality
Runtime- 95 minutes
Buy it here