The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 6.08.08: Issue #16

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.08.2008

"Mr. Hell" (2006) and "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" (2005)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #16: "Mr. Hell" (2006) and "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" (2005)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that definitely plans on running the whole "Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to" opening into the ground, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number sixteen, I've got a double dose of slasher "horror" for you, as I take a look at 2006 borefest "Mr. Hell," from the fine folks at Maverick Entertainment, and "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" (2005), one of the worst movies ever released by Lionsgate Home Entertainment.

Mr. Hell


"Mr. Hell," helmed by first time feature film director Rob McKinnon, is one of the worst slasher movies of the last decade. Despite it's somewhat interesting idea and fairly decent sadistic killer, the flick fails on almost every level. Now, the flick's myriad problems could be explained away by its incredibly low budget (I'm not an expert at judging a movie's budget just by looking at it, but if this movie cost more than a half million dollars someone needs to be sued), but, even knowing that, "Mr. Hell" still comes off as an stupendous waste of time.

The flick stars Larry Cashion as Harry Eugene Loveless, the sadistic, eye gouging believed dead serial killer known to the world as "Mr. Hell," who comes back from the dead to wreak havoc once again at the underground weapons research laboratory where he was killed fourteen years previous by the daughter of a scientist he killed, one Tyler Mathews (Amy Morris, and played as a kid by Jordan Consorte). Mathews, a security guard at the now defunct laboratory that's being cleaned out for some reason, gets caught up in a raid by mercenary terrorist Dominique Horney (Tracy Scoggins) and her band of bad guys when Mr. Hell reappears and starts removing people's eyes again. Ms. Horney and her team don't believe Mathews when she tells them they're all in danger of being slaughtered by the satanic murderer and keep telling her that they're not leaving until they find a secret bioweapon locked in a special vault, a vault that only Mathews seems to be privy to (the vault is in the same area of the lab Mathews killed Mr. Hell at the beginning of the movie). So, the question becomes, will Mathews survive both the evil mercenaries and the returned serial killer? You'll probably stop caring after about a half hour like I did, but, that is the question the movie asks its increasingly bored audience.

One of the biggest problems with "Mr. Hell" is its running time. Right from the start, the movie takes way too long to establish itself. The movie has two opening sequences for no apparent reason beyond wanting to make the agony longer. Right at the beginning, we see Mr. Hell murder a woman in a sewer. We then see another scene, further introducing Loveless, and introducing the child version of Tyler Mathews and the whole bit where she kills him with a vat of toxic acid. Now, when it comes to slasher movies, you usually want a high body count and plenty of on screen kills (because, hey, that's part of the fun), but in this case, the movie should have jettisoned the sewer death and the pile of rotting dead bodies and just got started right away with Tyler as a kid. Because that's the start of the real story. And, getting rid of the completely unnecessary first opening sequence would have helped lessen the seemingly endless build up to the eventual introduction of the mercs and the start of their mission.

Then there's the big, huge problem of the actual mercenary characters themselves. I'm sure hiring the usually great Tracy Scoggins was a bit of a coup for the director and the producers because her name, regardless of the flick's quality, will draw viewers and buyers, but it's a shame they didn't give her anything to work with. Most of the time it's like she's the only one even trying to act. Monica (Kristen Ketterer) and Georgio (Pavan Grover), the alleged funny relief and the ones you could call hip and edgy, are just terrible as the merc lovers. Neither one of them knows how to handle a gun, and you don't believe for one second that they're lovers or really even like one another.

And then there's the rest of the cast. Amy Morris, while insanely attractive, is just terrible as Tyler Mathews. She doesn't work well with anyone, she has almost no screen presence at all, and she can't run to save her life. Alan Brady is horrendous as Dr. Karl Mathews. His only saving grace is that he isn't in the movie all that long. Edwin Neal, who we all surely remember from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," shows up as a waste remover in the lab, but he doesn't get much to do, either. And Danny Kamin's fat guy boss Wesley Kane, almost has a personality for about ten minutes, only to be undermined by the general awfulness surrounding him. The only one who comes out of this flick with any dignity is Larry Cashion as Mr. Hell. He's weird, he's wacky, he gets to appear in scary make up and kill people, he's the only one with anything to really do throughout the story. It's just too bad McKinnon lets him down at almost every turn. If McKinnon had figured out how to inject some actual suspense and technique into the movie, maybe the Mr. Hell character could have been slightly scarier. That's all Cashion's performance is really missing, a competent director to help guide him and everyone else to the finish.

I will say that the flick, at least tried to make the secondary characters (the meat for the meat grinder) something other than stupid teenagers and drunk college students, but because no one involved seems to know what to do with those kinds of characters, it's a story point that's all for naught. And then there's the deadly bioweapon that the mercs are after. Why doesn't it fit in with the rest of the story? Why isn't it something that Mr. Hell could use to kill more people? Wouldn't that have made him even deadlier and therefore even scarier? Makes you wonder why the filmmakers just didn't go with stupid, drunk teenage college students. Would have helped steamline some of the plot.

And then there's the sound. There are moments in the movie where it's difficult to hear what the characters are saying. As the great Lloyd Kauffman says in his Make Your Own Damn Movie! how-to book on low budget moviemaking, the one thing a low budget movie should "splurge" on is the sound because, well, you don't want your movie sounding like crap and you want the audience to be able to at least hear what the characters are saying. The makers of "Mr. Hell" apparently don't believe their movie needs any of that. Big mistake. It's just one more annoyance for the movie.

At least the gore sequences, the few that we get, are pretty decent. The body melting scenes are superb, and the eye gouging scenes are gruesome enough to make you flinch. And, while the scene makes absolutely no sense and has nothing to do with what's going on, the spontaneous sex scene between the two merc guards is fun. I'm kind of surprised that the movie doesn't have more of this kind of scene. It would have certainly made things slightly more interesting.

So, how do you save "Mr. Hell"? Time compression. The flick needs to be re-edited, with an emphasis on being faster, faster, faster. Cut out the first opening, tighten up the second opening, and then make the rest of the movie smoother while at the same time making the death and stalking scenes "punchy." And re-record the sound so we can freaking hear what's being said. And then maybe add a little more blood. If you can't figure out how to do anything else, just do that.

Only see "Mr. Hell" if you really, really have to. I don't know why you'd have to, but it's only required viewing if you're up to it.

So what do we have here? A lit cityscape at night, gratuitous Houston, Texas, gratuitous working in the sewer at night, neck poking, using a flashlight, bad sound design, a pile of rotting dead bodies, switchblade to the back, gratuitous eye gouging, gratuitous kids playing hide and seek in a bioweapons lab, a hidden hole in the wall, gratuitous foul mouthed children, attempted Kim Richards, gratuitous mobile lunch truck, a father-daughter promise, a moment where it sounds like a kettle is whistling on the stove, eyeball washing, gratuitous putting eyes in a thermos, hot coffee to the face, an eye ring, gratuitous toxic acid bath, gratuitous young guard rocking out to rock music, gratuitous Edwin Neal, attempted thorat slashing, gratuitous National Security Bureau (whatever the hell that is), eating a sandwich, gratuitous Tracy Scoggins, taking a whiz on the side of the building, urinating blood, gratuitous sex scene with boob kissing and fondling, erect nipples, a gold pistol, neck snapping, falling down the stairs, throwing a hot chick off a balcony, mbeating up a fat guy, chair and tape bondage, scrounging for food, brass knuckles, the difference between a slut and a bitch, gratuitous Tracy Scoggins crossing her legs, gratuitous soda can torture, knife to the back, drooling, ball grabbing, more eye gouging, putting on "high tech" communications equipment, gratuitous mercs searchng a room while talking on their headsets, perverted death bondage talk, taking off a tie, cigarette lighting, chainsawing a guy's legs off, one of the longest death scenes in movie history, crying, shotgun blast to the chest, knocking over shelves, exploding grenade, setting a guy on fire, ankle breaking, strangulation by electrified barbed wire, gratuitous using three keys in sequence to open a secure door, unlatching a screen door, gratuitous bad guy with green blood, gratuitous gay knife fight, more body melting, knocking over barrels, gratuitous ghost, an ending that makes absolutely no sense, and the threat of a sequel.

Best lines: "You ever close a door without slamming it, Harry?," "You've got a great pair of... a great pair of eyes, gorgeous," "You got another appointment?," "Oh, Harry, you cocksucker, don't fuck with me!," "How's it look? Nice, huh?," "You snuck up behind me, cheater," "Fuck it, just go," "Never stick your hand in a rattlesnake's hole, little girl. You're likely to get bit," "You little shits," "That shithead is lying!," "But Harry is a shithead," "She's ten going on twenty, son. You ain't never gonna catch up," "What's your hurry, girl?," "Language, Wesley," "Horse's patoot? Did you really say 'horse's patoot'? Jesus, Tyler, a fucking nun could do better than that," "It's all about Mr. Hell," "You're after the toxins in the storage basin?," "Got any nutballs?," "You are fucking with the wrong fuckers!," "How about it, rent-a-cop? Feel like a snort?," "Sorry. No hard feelings?," "Remember when you said to keep your eyes open? Well, Nash can't," "Shut the fuck up about ghosts and do exactly as I say or all bets are off!," "Can't beat the house, huh? Who is the house now?," "The way is clear," "Should have brought the night vision goggles. Should have brought the howitzer," "Call me Mr. Hell, or Harry, if you like," "Go away!," "You're dead motherfucker!," "Oh, damn, ruined the eyes," "What you up to, Harry?," "How should I put this? Fuck you!," and "Don't you fucking die on me now!."

Rating: 2.0/10

The Slaughterhouse Massacre


And then there's "The Slaughterhouse Massacre," one of the worst movies ever released by Lionsgate Home Entertainment, and considering the numbers and generally quality of the movies released by Lionsgate in total, that's a pretty tall freaking order. But then "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" is just so awful, so terrible, so inept, and just so freaking boring, it's amazing that anyone at any direct-to-video company, not to mention the people who appear in the movie, want to be associated with it. It really is that bad. It's worse than even "Mr. Hell," and you already read about how bad that movie is.

The alleged story has something to do with two football players (Justin, as played by Maurizio Farhad, and Bobby, as played by Vaedynn Orland) having to do a special project for their psychology class in order to continue playing on the team, a bunch of hip and edgy college students hanging out in a slaughterhouse, playing a mean practical joke based on the legend of deranged killer Marty Sickle (Paul Cagney), which I assume is all part of Justin's and Bobby's project, Marty Sickle actually showing up, and the usual kind of slasher movie killer mayhem ensuing. At least I think that's what the movie is essentially about. I was actually so bored after about twenty minutes I lost interest in what was going on and I think I fell asleep. It's either that or I zoned out from the tedium.

Now, I'm willing to admit that I've fallen asleep a few times while watching a movie (like this one). It's just something that happens (you know, it's been a long day, you've been up since the buttcrack of dawn, etc). And, if that happens, I go back and watch what I missed (when I fall asleep it's usually for only about ten minutes or so, so it's not like I'm missing all that much). I didn't do that here. I missed about fifteen minutes and decided that it wasn't worth my while to go back and watch. I know for a fact that absolutely nothing worthwhile happened during that time because absolutely nothing worthwhile happens throughout the whole movie. Even the sex and nudity that we're "treated" to is tiresome. When your slasher movie has boring nudity in it, the flick better make up for it with either or suspense or gore. "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" has neither.

The problems with "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" are, well, for the lack of a better word, numerous. There's nothing wrong with the essential story (any competent director could make a ripping good slasher movie out of a bunch of young people getting killed in a slaughterhouse. Just think about where it takes place). It would help if the characters are interesting and the actors are decent, but they're not always absolutely essential, as long as the director can somehow make it all work. Paul Gagne, the listed director, obviously has no idea what he's doing here on any level. His actors are terrible, the characters are stupid (not in the usual "stupid" sense, they're just not interesting at all), he's got a killer with zero personality, Gagne can't build up any suspense anywhere in the story, and for some reason he doesn't believe in using close ups or mid size shots. The only thing he uses are wide shots with no cuts. Nor does he believe in sound design, being able to hear the characters speak, or mood music that, well, creates a mood. Absolutely nothing at all works here.

Nothing.

It's like Gagne used Fred Williamson as his director inspiration.

Oh, for the love of God avoid "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" at all costs. It's a total waste of time.

So what do we have here? Kind of a spooky, weird opening, gratuitous Texas, gratuitous dude and chick making out in a car, face sucking, gratuitous lip biting with blood, blood licking, female masturbation, gratuitous guy cutting stuff up in a slaughterhouse while listening to the American national anthem, chicken hanging, a right wing lunatic radio preacher, frozen chickens, gratuitous slaughterhouse sex, boobs, sexual penetration, screaming, gratuitous Dallas College, gratuitous hot chick showing her tits off to her professor, leg crossing with a long pause, gratuitous hot chicks in very short skirts, a shirt with "Sweet" on it, burping, a big ass party with a guy bringing in a huge cooler of beer, gratuitous slow montage of party with hot lesbian sex, drinking booze through a hose and funnel, jerking off in a bathtub, gratuitous talk about the "sickle killings," sickle to the back, naked machete attack with decapitation, more beer drinking, sitting on a couch watching stuff, smoking pot, bloody meat hooks, gratuitous rats, flashlight breaking, sickle to the balls, body splitting up the middle, lighting the way with a lighter, knocking over a bucket of blood, sickle to the ass, wound fixing, door breaking, fire extinguisher to the head, knife to the gut, chick crawling through a very small window, opening a door via sickle, double barrel shotgun blast to the chest with more door busting, another decapitation, more shotgun blasts, using a payphone, shotgun to the balls, gratuitous hot chick running down the street with her shirt open and her boobs bouncing, a person cut in half, gratuitous fat cop, squeezing the boob of a female chalk floor outline, sleeping in the chalk outline, sickle through the face, a makeshift guillotine, and the threat of a sequel.

Best Lines: "Know what I want to do? I want to make love where they slaughter all those animals," "I don't think we should be in here," "Are you chicken?," "I didn't know they made dog food out of chickens," "Gross. I'm never eating dog food again," "Oh, she is such a slut," "I bet you think that's funny, Mr. Spender," "Slut! Oh, that's not what your boyfriend said last night," "God, I hate that bitch," "Stway away from her. I promise," "You're a dead man Marty Sickle," "Trevor, did your one brain cell make that all up?," "It's just a rat. Everything's okay," "Fuck, good going! Now what are we going to do?," "Hey, that's enough, Stoner!," "Bobby, you jerk, why did you leave me?," "We should be safe here for the time being," "Whoa, this isn't the way," "He doesn't bleed," "She'll call you back," "I'm gonna take my time with killing you," "Boy, you been smoking the weed? The wacky tabacky? Marijuana?," "Come on you motherfucker! Come on!," and "Where's Tina and the dudes?"

Rating: 0.0/10

***

Well, that'll be it for this issue (thank Drake). Always remember, B-movies rule. And, hopefully, the next issue will feature at least one worthwhile effort.

Hopefully.

"Mr. Hell"

Larry Cashion- Harry Eugene Loveless
Tracy Scoggins- Dominique Horney
Amy Morris- Tyler Mathews
Alan Brady- Dr. Karl Mathews
Pavan Grover- Georgio
Kristin Ketterer- Monica
Danny Kamin- Wesley Kane
Edwin Neal- Freemont
Directed by Rob McKinnon
Screenplay by Jack Rhodes and David B. Carren
Distributed by Maverick Entertainment
Rated R for horror violence/gore, language and some sexuality
Runtime- 102 minutes
Buy it here



"The Salughterhouse Massacre"
Paul Cagney- Marty Sickle
Maurizio Frahad- Justin
Vaedynn Orland- Bobby Spender
Jacob Baily- Stoner
Shaila Vaidya- Stacey
Stacey Denson- Tina
Directed by Paul Gagne
Screenplay by Paul Gagne
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for strong sexuality and nudity, violence, some language and drug use
Runtime- 97 minutes
Buy it here