A Fool's Utopia 06.19.08: Campfire Tales

Posted by Ron Martin on 06.19.2008

This week in one man's utopia, we continue our summer series with talk of the legends of summer camp. Also we discuss the TVLand and The Middleman. We've got old magazines, the Summer of Animation and lots of video clips. I repeat -- LOTS of video clips.

Here at the utopia, our search for all things summer takes a dark turn both figuratively and literally. If winter brings us silent nights, summer brings us dark nights. Dark nights lit only by the crackling warm glow of the iconic campfire. Gather around all because tonight, in the utopia we tell campfire tales. Tales of the one thing that all kids covet and fear simultaneously: Summer Camp.

I'll let an old friend get us started…



Of course, it was all just an urban legend. There was no killer walking around in the woods of Two Pines. Unfortunately, not every camp could brag the same. Campfire tales take on a different spin when they're told at this particular camp. Maybe you've heard of it.



Tales of a stoic figure who covers his hideous face with a mask and kills without remorse are legend around these parts (within an hour drive of Springwood, Ohio). It goes a little something like this. A long time ago, there was a kid at this camp whom no one liked. Some say the kid may have been mentally challenged and probably needed extra supervision. The counselors just didn't care about all that. During one of their many sex marathons, the kid drowned. The careless, carefree counselors didn't let the death of one of their kids slow them down – there was sex to be had! And had it was. That is until the counselors started to be killed off one at a time (and occasionally two at a time). You see, the mother of the kid came back to the camp and killed those responsible for her boy's death. Eventually, the game caught up with her and she, herself was killed by one of the counselors. Bad move. That only pissed off her son, who didn't drown but is a disfigured teen walking around Camp Crystal Lake getting revenge for the death of his mother. Revenge apparently includes killing every person who comes to Crystal Lake, or New York, or Springwood, or Outer Space unless you're a kid – because kids don't get killed. At least not until a few years later when they turn into teenagers. Maybe you've seen this boogie man?






The difference between this tale and others of it's kind? They're all true. The world may never know why Camp Blood is not demolished all together, let alone why horny teenagers pilgrimage there only to see their numbers dwindle quickly until just the one female (or Tommy Jarvis) remains. Whatever the reasons, many a teen's hormones got them killed as its common knowledge that sex is the quickest way to get a machete through your gut. Or head. Or pelvic region. Or your stupid face.

The man has 145 confirmed kills over 9 movies, not including the original or Part V where Jason did no killing. His kills include the likes of Kevin Bacon, Crispin Glover, Kelly Rowland and even and old running buddy, Fred Krueger. Jason has been drowned, stabbed, axed in the head, stabbed again, struck by lightning, had a boat motor chop his face while drowning a second time, telekinetically risen, drowned a third time, electrocuted, melted by toxic waste, possessed, dragged to hell, rescued from hell, battled with other serial killers, cryogenically frozen, traveled 450 years into the future and sent to the Camp Crystal Lake-like Earth 2. Jason's history is a bit much for just part of a column, it would need a series of columns in and of its own, but know this – Jason is a badass killing machine who can not die. Why would you cross him?

Ain't that right, Spaz?



Nevermind, then.

Back to more campfire stories and I know just the ones to weave the tale. It's a little group known as the Midnight Society. Maybe you know them better from their TV appearances on a little show I like to call



Are You Afraid of the Dark was Nickelodeon's answer to Tales from the Crypt. The Midnight Society consisted of a group of teens (young teens) who would gather in the woods around the campfire, presumably not in the Crystal Lake region. Each week one of the group would submit a story for the approval of the Midnight Society. Each week the story would have some paranormal twist, mostly retold stories of old legends and fairy tales, but always interesting. The series ran from 1991 to 1996 and was resurrected for a couple of seasons in 1999-2000, though not even Elisha Cuthbert could save it at that point.

Though I watched several times, the only story I remember vividly is one where a guy is haunted by a ghost while interacting in his world (but only actually conversing with his sister). Later he goes to the graveyard to get some answers and finds out that not only is the girl a ghost, but so is he and the two of them died together. Only his sister could communicate with him. Sound familiar? M. Night Shyamalan cited this as an inspiration for The Sixth Sense. Guest stars of the series included Melissa Joan Hart, Neve Campbell, Will Friedle and Hayden Christensen.

At the end of every scary story, the teller of said story stuck around and made sure to put the campfire out…until next week.

A tale that could have been spun from the mouths of the Midnight Society? It might involve a different type of camp. A camp where competition is the name of the game. A camp fantasized about by pre-teen and teen boys everywhere.



Cheerleader Camp came out in the late 80s in the middle of the whole cheap slasher horror movie movement. A movement, I might add that led me to rent some of the cheesiest, but somehow fantastic horror movies ever made (Chopping Mall anyone?) and this one was different in only one way. All the girls were hot and were cheerleaders. I haven't seen this movie in literally 18 years, but I am still saddened by all the hotties that got hacked up here. Even the camp director could make you tingle down there. Inexplicably some fat dude and Leif Garrett were the men cheerleaders on the team. Yeah, Leif Motherf'n Garret, people. That combined with onscreen nudity and enough blood to fill a Jacuzzi is enough to make you weep. I mean just look at the underboob on that dead zombie cheerleader chick on the DVD cover. Ay Caramba!

That leaves us with only one possible stop left.



Not Camp Mohawk, my friend. But Fat Camp.



I hate to admit that MTV has done anything right in the modern era, but I can't deny the appeal of Fat Camp. I don't remember what channel I saw it on, but it couldn't have been MTV because that has been erased from my TV. However, MTV's documentary about a fat camp in Pennsylvania was compelling and downright addicting. The funny thing is that the documentary had very little to do with weight loss and was more about the relationship between the camper. It was as good a representation of a true summer camp as we could hope. Damnit, even I have reality weaknesses. My love for fatties losing weight is well documented in this column. They draw me in with fatties and capture me with camp activities! The battle between Petey and Matt for the love of Marissa was one for ages. MTV went back to fat camp a year later, I hear, but I have never seen this supposed footage.

The utopia's summer series has found its way near the end of our discussion of summer camps. I hope you've enjoyed and are not too scarred by all the mentions of death and mayhem to children in summer camps. Try to forget all that and remember all the good times.




-- I saw the debut episode of Middleman on ABC Family. Hey, I recommend it, so I watch it, that's how it goes. I wasn't disappointed. The series based is based on a comic book of the same name, but here's a secret – I don't read comics, so I had no idea what this thing was going in. Clever dialogue and interesting characters made for a pretty good first episode. At first, I was a little weary of the evil they were battling – a machine gun toting gorilla? Then I realized they were fighting an average comic book villain mad scientist who has created an army of gun toting gangster gorillas. I was more pleased when I came to that realization. Natalie Morales as the series main character is either wangerrific or dangerously brutal – I can't seem to decide. Regardless, her acting is fine. I was put off by the ‘picking a random girl' to be a superhero beginning, but then they explained that away and everything was fine. My only complaint from the first episode is that I hope they don't get too cute with the dialogue. Throwing some Buffylike dialogue in there is awesome, but spewing it every line is overkill. It could get old fast. Especially when some of the lines just don't work. My DVR is set and I see no reason to back up on my statement that it will be the best show to debut this summer.



--THE BEST THINGS I SAW ON TV THIS WEEK: The TVLand Awards

As we all know, I don't, in general, like award shows. For the most part, I think they are pretentious and meaningless. The TVLand awards may be no different, but I like them. It may be the nostalgia factor, it may be that I find old people funny – who knows? I like seeing a combination of old casts reunited (Golden Girls and Roseanne) along with new shows recognized for their accomplishments (The Office). Give me old comedians who aren't just towing the line in generic, lemming like acceptance speeches and I applaud. Any show that re-unites Laverne with Shirley, Becky Conner #1 with Becky Conner #2 and Marsha Brady with Carol Brady is okay by me! Top it off with a hilarious paparazzi parody and I'm sold on two solid hours of fun. Don't believe me? See what happens when the paparazzi catches a major star at it again by not wearing any underpants when she exits the car.



You can see the entire clip at the TVLand website. Watch for Janet's "wardrobe malfunction."\



-- After watching the Get Smart trailer every commercial break for the last month or so, I think Anne Hathaway may have overtaken Kate Beckinsale as my #1 raven haired pale beauty. Not that it's a permanent thing, but Kate's got to work her way back up the ladder. Elvira is catching up fast.

-- It was a dark and stormy night. Rain pattered against the window with a steady rhythm giving the black outside a soundtrack. Crack. A roll of thunder followed by a streak of lightning. A shadow floats across the window. What could it be? The Kool-Aid Man? That pig looking thing from Q-Bert? The Noid? Of course it's not you silly goose, it's just RETRO!

Something I had completely and totally forgotten about came back into my brain this past weekend. Like a bomb, it just exploded in my head. I have no idea what may have ignited it, but I'm sitting there and suddenly I am transported back to 1989 when I was but a yute. At the local grocery store, looking to burn the $3.50 in my pocket, I peruse the magazine section. A little too old for Cracked, a little too young for Playboy, my selection has to be perfect. That's when it caught my eye – possibly the perfect magazine.



Monsters Attack!

I picked it up from Issue #1 and followed it for about the entire year it was out. Maybe it was 2 years, I don't remember. Legend has it that Mort Todd himself snuck this magazine out and the publishers didn't realize it until after the second issue had already hit newsstands. They promptly pulled the magazine…until they found it had sold over a quarter of a million copies. After that it became part of the regular publishing schedule. Or so legend has it. The magazine was full of short horror stories in comic book form and regular articles on current (well, 1989 current) horror franchises as well as classic ones.

My main memory of the magazine comes from the edition that had Jason on the cover up there. I was hyped for the "Jason Body Count." When I got it, I took the magazine out into the woods to read it for added atmosphere. The body count was actually a pull out section in the middle of the magazine that listed each victims name, how they died, gave the death scene a rating and a reason. For example when Jason hacked the wheelchair guy in Part II, the reason given was that Jason doesn't discriminate against the handicapped. I also remember them flubbing the numbers including people killed by Jason's mother and people killed in dream sequences as well as people killed by Jason imitators so they could get to 100 even. It would have had to have been after Part VII when Jason only had 68 confirmed kills, but the numbers for Pamela Voorhees (Part I) and Roy Burns (Part V) would have put him near a hundred.

For posterity, the Top Five Jason Kills (Not Pamela or Roy)

5. Friday the 13th PartVIII Julius – Decapitated with a single punch

4. Friday the 13th Part VI Nikki – Head shoved into side of RV so hard face leaves an imprint!

3. Friday the 13th Part VI Stan, Katie and Larry – Can you say Triple Decapitation?

2. Freddy vs. Jason Shack – Flaming machete through the neck

1. Friday the 13th Part III Andy – Machete to the groin while walking on hands. Ouch!

You're One hit Wonder for 1994:

Perhaps the greatest year known to man, 1994 was more a year for established musicians to dominate. Not a lot of musicians found their way to the pool. Other than the Crash Test Dummies and The Hotstepper coming my way, there really was only one choice:



"Lucas with the Lid Off" by Lucas. Frankly, I'm glad he had the lid off because this was a pretty strange video as it is, I'd hate to see it when Lucas has his lid on. It seemed this video and "Shoop" by Salt N Peppa was on continuous loop on MTV. Especially in the mornings before I headed off to school. I heard it so much that it began infected my head and I was wondering around mutter "I feeeel so gooood!" Not a pretty sight. For those of you in my area around the time – yeah that was me and I apologize.

23 Years Ago Today…

June 19, 1985

#1 Song



"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears

#1 Album



"Around the World in a Day" by Prince and the Revolution

Notables: "Paisley Park" and "Raspberry Beret"

#1 Movie



Rambo First Blood: Part II

CBS Lineup for The Night:

8:00: Charles in Charge
8:30: Dreams
9:00: CBS Wednesday Night Movie


-- Seriously, Elvira is pushing 60. She's going to be no competition for either Kate or Anne. In the over 50 category, however, she can't be stopped!

-- Update on the Summer of Animation! Going into this week, I had 14 films to watch before then end of August. Uh….I still have 14 films to watch. I blame it on my best friend who got married this last weekend. He's on his honeymoon so he won't see this anyways, so blame him. Animation was one of the ten categories that the American Film Institute rated their top ten in this week. Nine of the ten were Disney flicks with Snow White coming out on top. This was a pleasant surprise since I assumed they were going to put Toy Story on top like everyone else. Nine of the top ten were in my compiled Top 25 to watch this summer. Only Cinderella was left out of the compiled list. The good news is that of the AFI Top Ten, I only have to watch 3 (Bambi, Fantasia, Beauty and the Beast) and I hope to knock two of them out (Beauty and the Beast, Fantasia) this weekend. Yay, me?

I must leave you know.

Until next week peoples, always remember more velocity, less viscosity.