The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 06.23.08: Issue #18

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.23.2008

"Derailed" (2002) and "Machine" (2007)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that thinks it's about time for Robert Davi to walk out on "The Tonight Show" as a surprise guest, sit down on the couch next to Jay Leno's desk, light a cigarette, pause, then look directly into the camera and say "What the fuck are you staring at?" (it's either that or get a breakfast cereal named after him. "Davi-O's" sounds like a good name), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number eighteen, I take a look at the Jean-Claude Van Damme flick from 2002, "Derailed," and the 2007 crime drama "Machine," starring the Michael Madsen and Neal McDonough.

Derailed


"Derailed" stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as Jacques Kristoff, an well regarded, well known international agent of some sort who is brought out of his family vacation to escort a world renowned female super thief (Galina Konstantin, as played by Laura Elena Harring) out of Slovakia because she has something valuable in her possession, something that evil terrorists will no doubt try to take from her. Or something like that. It all eventually boils down to Kristoff finding out that Galina stole a super virus known as "SP-43" that's "a mutated form of smallpox," which, as we all know, is incredibly deadly without being mutated, so now it's super duper deadly in mutated form. But Kristoff finds out about that later. So, Kristoff goes to pick up Galina, gets into a shoot out with the red beret wearing local soldier cops, almost loses Galina (Galina doesn't trust him and tries to get away from him, which really doesn't make any sense because she's so freaking worried about being captured by terrorists or other assorted thugs, so you'd think she'd be oh so very happy that someone was around to help/protect her), and then almost doesn't make the train out of Slovakia. And then, for reasons that only the screenwriters can explain, Kristoff's family makes a surprise visit on the train to celebrate Kristoff's birthday. And then the bad guy terrorists show up. Led by the incredibly evil bald guy Mason Cole (Tomas Arana), the terrorists take the train and its passengers hostage and look for Galina. But little do Cole and the terrorists know that Jacques Kristoff is on the train and willing to take them on. So, basically, for the rest of the movie, Cole and his terrorist henchmen look for Galina and the biological weapon she stole and Kristoff tries to protect his family, Galina, and the hostages, all the while trying to stop Cole and his terrorist henchmen from capturing Galina and the biological weapon.

Now, there's nothing all that wrong with the story that "Derailed" tries to tell. It's a low budget riff on Steven Seagal's "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory" and probably resembles Van Damme's "Sudden Death" in that his character's family is in danger and it's up to him to save them. And, again, there's nothing wrong with any of that. It's a perfectly acceptable story. However, it's obvious after about twenty minutes that director Bob Misiorowski has no idea how to make this story work as a movie. Dang near every action sequence is poorly staged (and that includes the many hand-to-hand fights Van Damme finds himself in) and many of them are confusing (take a look at the scenes on top of the train and, really, any scene involving the outside of the train. I guarentee you that you will have no idea what's going on throughout most of these sequences, especially the sequence that finds Van Damme on a dirtbike riding on top of the train. I'm still mystified by that bit). And it doesn't help that the movie runs out of plot after about forty minutes and then has to find a reason to keep going for another forty. As soon as Cole finds the bio-weapon the movie should only really have about ten minutes left in it (just enough time for Van Damme to beat up a few henchmen and then engage in the final fight with Cole that will then lead to Van Damme recapturing the bio-weapon). But that doesn't happen. Oh, no, there's this whole bit where the train's passengers become infected with the super smallpox and Van Damme's wife Madeline (Susan Gibney) has to help everyone survive, and then there's all this bullstuff about finding an antidote for the disease, etc, while on the train. It just goes on and on and on for no reason. There's just way too much going on. What the heck is wrong with making a simple, straight up action flick without a lot of extraneous character and plot hooey?

Is any of it ever really necessary?

Of course not.

At least Van Damme is the star guiding us through this mess. Van Damme has never been a great actor, but then again acting has never really been his thing, has it? He's more of a performer, a reliable, square jawed hero type who can say his lines, ooze charisma and butt kicking attitude, and make potential dreck at least watchable, which is exactly what he does in "Derailed." The little moments he has with his "wife" Madeline (Susan Gibney) and his son Ethan (Kristopher Van Varenberg, Van Damme's real life son) are fun, and his chemistry with Harring is decent enough (one of the big problems with the movie is Harring, though. She's just awful here, hamming it up in scenes, engaging in bad, melodramatic acting in others. Van Damme actually anchors her, which is kind of weird considering how much of a non-actor Van Damme is). It's a pity he didn't have a better villain to play off. Tomas Arana certainly has the sneer and "asshole" charisma to be a villain, but the main villain. He's a top henchman at best (and he's obviously no match for Van Damme's Kristoff, which makes the final hero/villain fight not as good as it should be). No one else really stands out as exceptional or even all that good. Although, if the movie had a better director, maybe some of that badness could have been masked.

I don't know if it's possible to "fix" this movie, beyond re-editing it, making the scene transitions smoother and the action scenes clearer. I wouldn't mind seeing a remake, though. Maybe spend a little more money on it.

You could probably do a lot worse than "Derailed," but it's not a must-see by any means. Unless, of course, you're a Van Damme fanatic. Then it's a must see. I'd imagine.

So what do we have here? A truck driving past a checkpoint, an overheating car, blackjack to the back, hot chick hanging dwon from a tree ready to strike, cirlce cutting a locked window, using a laser to open a safe, gratuitous silver box, gratuitous Veinna, Austria, gratuitous Jean-Claude Van Damme, gratuitous Jean-Claude Van Damme wearing a light blue shirt, gratuitous Jean-Claude Van Damme going to Slovakia, gratuitous son of Jean-Claude Van Damme, kick sparring in a parking lot, gratuitous use of stage spotlight, gratuitous Thesz Press, ascending to the rafters, knife to the face, kick to the face, wire kung fu, on the street kissing, stealing a taxi, car chase with a machine gun, destroying an outdoor cafe, driving a taxi down steps, a wild flipping car, train car destruction, outrunning a flame, exploding gas station, gratuitous bit where the sound disappears for a moment before the explosion, a blonde wig disguise, slow motion I.D. checking at the train station, gratuitous annoying drunk American, a train car filled with cars, hugging a cowboy, guys passing around a newspaper, switchblade to the gut, gratuitous hostage taking, giant tits, martial troubles, killing bag handlers, gratuitous Jean-Claude Van Damme using the train's duct work to fight the bad guys, shooting a first class passenger, foot stomping, attempted neck breaking via thighs, breaking a violin, gratuitous low budet train set in front of green screen, window smashing, multiple sidekicks, gratuitous split screen, exploding helicopter, gratuitous making cold compresses, gratuitous NATO Regional HQ, gratuitous Jean-Claude Van Damme riding a dirtbike on top of the train, cake eating, an ultimatum, gratuitous massive low budget train collision, gratuitous Apache attack helicopters, necktie hanging, gratuitous incredible low budget destroying train special effects with spectacular up close attack helicopter shots, yellow hazmat suits, and a lame ending.

Best lines: "This area is restricted," "Lawrence, I'm on vacation," "Look, we have a situation," "Are you sure you don't want a pastry?," "I wouldn't trust you if your tongue came notorized," "Sorry, emergency," "You want me to play it cool after we've blown up half the city?," "So, you're a musician?," "My job is to keep you alive," "You sound just like my son," "Sure you don't want to get a drink?," "I like married men," "She's not a prostitute!," "They're my kids!," "Fuck you I'm getting off!," "Well, if you don't know, you don't know, do you?," "Fritz, we have the package," "Throw her off the train," "We've got to clear the tracks now and then call the World Health Organization!," "No fucking way!," "Don't fucking move or I'll kill you!," and "As soon as you get out of the hospital I'll buy you a new fiddle. It's a violin."

Rating: 5.0/10

Machine


And then there's "Machine," a low budget crime thriller from the mind of writer/director/star Michael Lazar. It's a movie about the seedy criminal underworld of, I believe, Los Angeles. It's a world filled with tough guy thugs, criminal organization rivalries, broads and babes, corrupt cops, and plenty of killing. It's also a movie that doesn't make a lick of sense and just sort of flails about for ninety minutes. To its credit, it's filled with actors and characters that are interesting to watch. You just wish Lazar game them all something to do beyond, well, the very little he has them do here.

As far as I can tell, there's very little plot here to sustain much of a story. Lazar's Vic, an ex-military man turned hardened criminal, and his partner Frank (Paul Sloan), are hired by crime boss Santo (Nick Vallelonga) to kill three witnesses expected to testify against him in court for some reason. They have no problem doing the job, but they're worried about what rival crime lord Cho (Garret Sato) and his henchman Butch (James Russo) and what they may do to interfere. At least I think that's what's happening. Then for some reason there's Ray (Michael Madsen), Santo's best killer, who basically hangs around in Santo's bar making googoo eyes at Layla (Michelle Lombardo), Santo's girlfriend. Ray threatens to kill Vic and Frank if they mess up their job. Then there's corrupt vice cop Ford (Neal McDonough), who is on to Santo and Vic and Frank. And, lastly, there's Thea (Lisa Arturo), Vic's girlfriend, who seems to be guiding his criminal career but is unable to gain the trust of Vic's partner Frank. Or something.

"Machine" is very confusing. I have no idea why the story doesn't culminate with all of the characters and story threads coming together. I mean, if the movie actually does that, I don't see it. The character relationships are basically non-existent. Even the relationship between alleged best buddies Vic and Frank isn't all that convincing. And while it's fun to hear tough guys doing that tough guy banter that's absolutely necessary in these kinds of movies, it's all very pointless when you can't figure out what the hell any of it means or why any of it is important.

Lazar is decent as Vic, although there are moments where you're going to get Vic confused with Paul Sloan's Frank. They look alike, they sound alike, and they act alike. One of them should have shaved his head. But, they're both good at the tough guy thing, and, despite the confusion, it's all good and fine. Perhaps under a steadier hand Lazar could excel as an actor. Neal McDonough is having the time of his life as Ford the corrupt vice cop. He's constantly in ham mode, flinging out tough guy banter and plenty of smart ass attitude. The movie's main story probably should have been about his character, because he's way more interesting than Vic or Frank. Michael Madsen, while doing his usual excellent job, doesn't have much to do beyond whisper, grimace, and change into a different Hawaiian shirt for each new scene. I really don't get what his deal is with Layla or why they get together, though. It seems as though that whole thing should be its own movie. I don't remember, either, if Madsen and McDonough ever appear on screen, which is sort of mystifying because I'm sure that they would have had the best scene in the movie by shear talent. So why didn't they share a scene together? Schedules not work out?

The other thing that's probably going to bother you is the lack of real, nasty violence. Mainly, where's the blood? Where's the gore? When someone gets shot in the head why don't we see the aftermath? It's almost like it all happens off screen.

"Machine" really isn't a very good movie, but, I will admit, it is worth a look, despite its many deficiencies. See if it makes any sense to you. If it does, feel free to write in and explain it. I'd really like to know.

So what do we have here? A guy putting on a bullet proff vest, pretty cool opening music, gratuitous shogun proverb, gratuitous people in church, a church shooting, gratuitous tough guy talk, gratuitous Michael Madsen, gratuitous fat guy mobster, gratuitous talk about shaved vaginas, gratuitous talk about claymores, fat guy running with a shotgun, eye cutting, plastic bag over the head, gratuitous hanging out with Asian gangsters, shooting a guy in the bathroom, gratuitous Michael Madsen changing into a new Hawaiian shirt in every new scene, a hot chick dancing on a table, shooting a guy under a bed, two guys eating spaghetti, gratuitous talk about hating "9-5" jobs, killing a guy in Beverly Hills, impromptu sex, gratuitous mob market talk, gratuitous pistol whipping, gratuitous Neal McDonough, a story about two assholes sucking cock, gratuitous Neal McDonough drinking whiskey without ice, girlfriend abuse, baloon shooting, gratuitous black kid, beating via baseball bat, more tough guy talk, a guy getting shot in the face with a sawed off shotgun, and an ending that makes about as much sense as the rest of the movie.

Best lines: "Never seen black nail polish before. What is that, some kind of Goth thing?," "She's a real fucking cunt," "I don't remember asking you what your opinion was," "At least I don't smell like Chinese food," "He tells me you're working for some fucking chinc," "I don't think you understand, Vic. You need to come work for us," "I could fill a stadium with what you don't know," "I've been in trouble for a long time," "To money," "Would I set up a deal that wouldn't pay?," "A complicated life is usually a short one," "Maybe you should fuck me?," "Oh, you're chicken shit," "Are you playing me for a fucking fool?," "Oh, yeah? Go fuck your mother," "We're doing this because we're lazy and we're greedy and we don't want to work regular jobs," "Two pounds of pressure on a trigger pays very well," "Yes, they shit all over me," "That's street lingo. It sounds cheap. And it's really unattractive," "Don't call me tiger," "Don't call me tough guy," "Why didn't you just shoot him in the fucking face?," "When I got married I was looking for a head strong bitch. You know what I got? A head strong bitch," "Well, if there was such a thing as karma you'd be a shit eating fly," "That must have been one hell of a blow job," and "I'll take care of that before God gets the good news."

Rating: 5.0/10

***

Well, that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Derailed"

Jean-Claude Van Damme- Jacques Kristoff
Tomas Arana- Mason Cole
Laura Elena Harring- Galina Konstantin
Susan Gibney- Madeline Kristoff
Lucy Jenner- Natasha
Jessica Bowman- Bailey Kristoff
Kristopher Van Varenberg- Ethan Kristoff
John Bishop- Bob Sterling
Directed by Bob Misiorowski
Screenplay by Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch, based on a story by Boaz Davidson
Distributed by Millenium Films
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 89 minutes
Buy it here



"Machine"

Michael Lazar- Vic
Paul Sloan- Frank
Michael Madsen- Ray
Neal McDonough- Ford
Lisa Arturo- Thea
James Russo- Butch
Nick Vallelonga- Santo
Garret Sato- Cho
Michelle Lombardo- Layla
Directed by Michael Lazar
Screenplay by Michael Lazar
Distributed by Artist View Entertainment and MTI Home Video
Rated R for for violence, pervasive language and some sexual content
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here