The Gilroy 07.09.08: Not So Fast John Carpenter

Posted by Ben Quick on 07.09.2008

These movies suck!

Well, my first three columns here at 411mania were all about praise. You know, Steven Spielberg is awesome, zombies are cool, and Will Smith is the king! How about I just complain this week? Would that be alright with you? Considering I've spent the last three weeks in happy land, I think it's time to trash something/somebody. Even though I'm going all negative, I've still gotta throw out some love to this guy. John Carpenter has made some of my favorite movies. Halloween and The Thing aren't just horror classics, they're all-time greats. That said; the following movies do not qualify as such. The next six movies suck, period! Enjoy!






Assault on Precinct 13

I have yet to see the Ethan Hawke remake. I was considering renting it until someone told me it was worse than the original 1976 film. See, sometimes when a film is dated it isn't a big deal or it can even make the movie that much cooler. Yeah, that doesn't happen with this movie. You'd think the actors in this movie had never acted before, and the person making the movie had never done drugs before. Which makes the ridiculous idea of a gang of drugged out hoodlums(I love that word) just running and attacking a police station, getting shot over and over, really kind of stupid. Look at John Carpenter! You know that guy has done at least a small amount of drugs. Assault on Precinct 13 was one of Carpenter's first movies, so I guess I should cut him a little slack. Many great directors don't hit it out of the park on their first few tries. Still, this wasn't even a single.



Memoirs of an Invisible Man

I don't know which career bombed faster after this movie, John Carpenter's or Chevy Chase's! As I will further dive into, John has made some real crap in his career. Still, I can understand how most of it happened. The ideas were there, but nothing else followed. With this movie, it's not sure what it wants to be. Is this a throw back to the film noirs ala Humphrey Bogart with some sci-fi thrown in? Is it a goofball movie poking fun at over the top popcorn movies? You really get the feeling that at different points of the movie it's trying to be all of that. Memoirs of an Invisible Man is the kind of movie that I would expect out of a first or maybe even a second time director. It's absolutely not what I expect from a guy with a handful of classics already under his belt. I have four more movies to rip into, but this is probably Carp's worst.



Village of the Damned

The column I wrote before this one was dedicated to classic movies. I don't mean Back to the Future classic. I mean old classic. We're talking Charlie Chaplin, Jimmy Stewart and Katharine Hepburn old. So, when I say that I love the original 1960 Village of the Damned you can understand that I'm kind of freak. John Carpenter's remake just doesn't really stand up well to the creepy original. The original film was directed by a guy named Wolf Rila. Yeah, that's right! Some guy you and I have never heard of before. That's not just ignorance talking, I love old movies, remember? I've never heard of the guy. You would think somehow a horror legend like John Carpenter could top a film made in 1960 by some guy named "Wolf" wouldn't you? Well, the kids who control people's minds in the remake are far less creepy. The violence is just about the only thing John Carpenter's movie is able to achieve some ground on, but that's only because the original couldn't go there in 1960. This feels like the work of a horror movie hack.



Escape from L.A.

I've never been a big fan of Escape from New York. I can see why it's the cult classic it is, but I would always much rather watch The Thing or Big Trouble in Little China for some John Carpenter/Kurt Russell coolness. Still, as I said, I can see why so many think it's awesome. The only thing cool I can say about the film's sequel is that it does have a quintessential Carpenter ending with going out on a kickass down note. That's about all I can say that's good for this movie. Everything besides the ending is such a retread of the first film, but just not done as well. It's not quite on a Live Free or Die Hard level of betraying the essence of what made the original great, but it's just not a good movie. That's especially bad considering John Carpenter kind of needed it to be.



John Carpenter's Vampires

Do you remember what I said about Village of the Damned feeling like it was made by a horror movie hack? Well, yeah, you can add that sentiment for this movie. It's just so bad! The main Vampire looks like Marilyn Manson, which is about as threatening as a Shaq free throw. I normally like James Woods. Hey, he can be one hell of an actor when he wants to. The key though is in the last few words of that sentence. "When he wants to" Well, apparently, James didn't want to be an actor in this movie. Actually, I take that back. He was every bit the actor in Vampires. Never once do you think he might be the badass vampire slayer he's supposed to be. No, as a viewer, you're always fully aware that he's James Woods. That's the problem with this movie. Nothing in it brings what used to make John Carpenter's movies great. It's a little something I like to call, characters. Well, at least good ones...



Ghosts of Mars

No, I'm not hating on Ice Cube. It's not his fault his character of Desolation Williams was an extreme poor man's version of Snake Plissken. Ghosts of Mars may sum up everything that's been wrong with John Carpenter's career for the last twenty years. He tries too hard to be what he was, instead of just being John Carpenter. Everything he does in this movie he's done it somewhere else better. The gang of madmen trying to kill the soldiers(pure Kiss fans) isn't the least bit scary or cool. He did the fear of being hunted by a creepy mob much better in The Fog. It was a nice try with having the setting be an isolated outpost on the colonized red planet, but he still did the same idea better in The Thing. I already mentioned his attempt to try and redo the new age outlaw with Ice Cube's character. The only positive thing I can say about this movie is it did give me a rejuvenated appreciation for Natasha Henstridge. I kind of forgot how hot she was until I watched this movie a few years back. I guess I can thank John Carpenter for that. I guess?


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I know this reads like the angry Metallica fan wanting Master of Puppets again, but hey, I at least realize that my wish will never happen. Metallica still makes some pretty cool music even if their best days are behind them. John Carpenter has just been making crap since about 1988. I'd just like to see his movies be watchable. I don't expect him to ever deliver another Halloween or The Thing, but something I could call good might be nice.

Well, next week The Dark Knight comes out. The day that just about everyone has been waiting for since June 2005 is just about here. I'm going to have to write a column about it, right? I'm sure I'll think of something...

Oh, and doesn't the new Quantum of Solace trailer look badass?