A Fool's Utopia 7.03.08: Independence!

Posted by Ron Martin on 07.03.2008

This week in one man's utopia we celebrate the American Independence day with a picnic full of tasty morsels. Also, I debate on the fate of Dwight Shrute in sitcom history; I finally saw Snow White and hamburgers both in the movies and in video games. Did I mention giant racing sausages?

Are you ready? Our trip through summer here at the utopia takes its yearly stop for a little thing I like to call Independence Day…



Uhm…holiday, not the alien movie.

Let's celebrate the holiday with a picnic of sorts. Let's celebrate like it's 1777 and General George Washington just gave us a double ration of rum. Hell, go get yourself a double ration of rum right now. I'll wait. Yes, even the non-Americans in the crowd. You drink a double ration of rum for our Independence Day and I promise you I will drink a double ration for yours!

Time for our picnic! Let's start with a hamburger….



Ah, Hamburger, The Motion Picture. I haven't seen this movie in probably…uhm, a long time, but its images are still burned into my brain. Mostly because I was fairly young when this thing hit the premium channels back in '87 or '88 and it had a fair amount of boobies. Hey, the TV was my babysitter and I never questioned it. The story here is of a 20-something loser who has to graduate college to inherit a fortune. Only thing is he's a moron and can't get through school. He (along with the prerequisite group of losers/misfits) enrolls at Hamburger College. The problem he faces is he is seriously trying to study to graduate while all the girls are trying to have sex with him. Imagine that. The movie climaxes when the new graduates have to run their own burger shop for the day, but Dick Butkus sabotages them by sending in a club of heavy eaters. Of course the employees of said restaurant take care of this by feeding them all laxatives which causes the fatties to all expel gas from every pore. One flash of a stereotypical Asian tourist's camera later and the whole place goes up. It made sense at the time. I don't remember much about this movie other than a lot of boobies and Dick Butkus. What else do you need really? I need to get this DVD somehow.

Maybe you prefer hot dogs?



Tomorrow will be the 93rd annual Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest on Coney Island. 50,000 people will watch this thing live and over a million will watch it via ESPN. The Super Bowl of the eating circuit, this is the one all the competitors want to win. I mean, you have to win a freaking regional qualifier just to get in. You've got 12 minutes to eat as many dogs (with buns) as possible. You might think it's easy, but that's a hot dog (with bun) every 30 seconds to get to 24. Oh, and last year's winner ate 66. In 2007, America chose July 4 to win back its independence…again. Joey Chesnut set the world records while holding off 6 time defending champion, Takeru Kobayashi to win the coveted mustard belt back for the Americans. This tradition that started with two guys at a hot dog stand, somehow is now a worldwide event. It's funny how things turn out sometimes.

By the way, nobody can eat more hot dogs than a bear.



Maybe you no likey the hot dog. Perhaps a brat or a sausage sounds more to your liking?



Then look no further than Milwaukee, my friends. Just before the seventh inning of every Milwaukee Brewers home game, these five nightmare-sized, wiener-shaped food items have a foot race. It's kind of a big deal. In case you're wondering about the participants: #1 is a German bratwurst; #2 is a Polish sausage; #3 is an Italian sausage; #4 is a plain ol' hot dog and #5 is a Mexican chorizo. For the record, Hot Dog is the reigning champion, having won 23 races last year. You laugh, but this is no laughing matter. Just asked Randall Simon, the perpetrator of what was then called Sausage-gate. He took down the Italian Sausage with a swing of the bat got arrested, paid a fine and was suspended for three games. See how much trouble you can get into just for whacking a wiener?

Of course a celebration is nothing without a patriotic parade and beauty pageant to go with it right?



For that sort of entertainment, I provide for you Drop Dead Gorgeous. A mockumentary from 1999, the film is often overlooked in the genre despite being pretty solid. Mount Rose, Minnesota has to crown their American Teen Princess! Everyone knows that despite being the most talented in the contest, Kirsten Dunst has no shot because the whole thing is rigged by Kirstie Alley so her daughter (the batshit crazy Denise Richards) will win. A tractor complete with girl blows up. There's a hunting "accident." A trailer complete with girl blows up. There's a falling light fixture "accident." And a float complete with girl blows up before a winner gets to compete at the state level of the beauty pageant where a food poisoning "accident" decides the winner. While maybe not on the character based level of a Christopher Guest documentary, this a pretty funny film on its own. It also stars Allison Janney, Amy Adams and Brittany Murphy before they became well known. Unfortunately, no boobs like in Hamburger, but there are lots of skimpy outfits.

Let's not forget that paragon of virtue himself…Uncle Sam!



He seems different than I remember him. Basically, this is your typical 80s slasher flick…made in 1997. Yes, I also find is simply amazing that it took all the way until 1997 for someone to make a film about a rotting corpse walking around in an Uncle Sam outfit hacking people up on Independence Day. What's more amazing is that the rotting corpse had to steal this outfit from a dude wearing it while on ten foot stilts trying to catch a glimpse of a girl naked. Can't a guy catch a break? The film is full of people doing very unpatriotic things such as dodging the draft (back in the day), cheating the IRS and painting nazi symbols on tombstones. You unpatriotic? Uncle Sam will kill you. By the end of the movie Sam has been relegated to killing anyone he can get his hands on – motive no longer needed. That is until they blow him up with a working Revolutionary War cannon. If you've never seen a walking corpse in an Uncle Sam outfit killing people – what the hell are you waiting for? Christmas?

There is only one person more patriotic than Uncle Sam himself. That man is Apollo Creed. Without further adieu, I give to you the most patriotic entrance in the history of entrances…



Notable Fourth of July movie releases:





-- I've been terrible here lately. It seems like every week I miss the deadline to contribute to 411's weekly Top Five. Last week was a doozy too. The Top Five Comedic Television Characters. While I didn't agree with all the choices, they were all understandable. One intrigued me. Given my personal state of trying to get caught up on all of Season 4 of The Office before any webisodes come out, I wandered if by the end of the show's run, if Dwight Schrute would belong on the short list of best TV comedy characters. Personally, I am sure he will rank high, but on an all-time list recognized by the masses – that's a different kind of beet altogether. In my mind two things would have to happen: 1) The Office has to have as strong a second half run as they have the first four seasons and 2) More people have to watch. I think a lot of people are intimidated of NBC's Thursday lineup. Earl is satirical while both <1>30 Rock and The Office can be stupid humor, but to enjoy it to the measure that it's meant to be enjoyed, you have to use your brain. It's not like Cheers, Seinfeld or even Happy Days where you just show up and turn your brain off for a half hour. I hope in ten years we can safely compare Dwight to the likes of Barney Fife, Jack Tripper and Al Bundy when compiling "Top" Lists, not just "Favorite" Lists.

-- Animation Update: Knock another one off the list.

This week I sat down and watched a "classic" animated films that has eluded me these 100 or so years that I have been alive. I saw what the American Film Institute dubbed the greatest animated film of all time, but my buddy dubbed a snoozer. Of course I speak of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Let me tell you – after seeing this film, the ride at Disney World makes so much more sense. For being the first ever animated feature length film, the animation holds up well. Much better than the porn cartoons from the era. Unlike modern Disney films, the scarier scenes in Snow White (Snow White alone in the forest and when the dwarves try to fight the evil witch) are actually scary. I was surprised that the Evil Witch actually died in the film. I probably shouldn't have been as audiences in 1937 were actually less likely to be offended at everything that breathes than audiences today. Well, that and Disney has a habit of killing off characters (though it's usually one of the main character's parents). Despite what people have told me about the movie, I thought it played through well. The musical interludes were short and not too numerous as to bug me. And, well, let's face it…Grumpy rules all. Any man that upon seeing Snow White for the first time utters "She's a female and all females is poison!" is okay by me. The best animated film ever? That I don't know about, but I got a lot of films to go.

-- On a related, but unrelated note, I saw Kung-Fu Panda this week when Get Smart took too long between showings and Panda started in 15 minutes. I had heard that it was good…and it was. I thought it was better than Ratatouille from last year – a movie that garnered a ton of undeserved praise, I thought. It was alright, but that's all. For the first time, I saw an extended preview of The Dark Knight before the movie. I've mentioned before that I never thought Heath Ledger was a great actor and I was against them bringing back the Joker to boot. That being said, he may have nailed this one. Ledger was very much creepy and simultaneously entertaining in the preview at the Joker. I may have to break my "No Batman movies unless Michael Keaton is playing the role" rule and go see this one.

-- Sit right back and you'll hear a tale. Perhaps it's a tale of the wacky antics in a New York late night courtroom. Perhaps it's a tale of a middle class family hiding their friendly Alien from the government. Perhaps it's a tale of a genius scientist who built a life-like robot to be his own daughter. Perhaps it's just RETRO

Even though I just spouted off about TV shows, what I'd like to talk about today is none other than a video game. More importantly, it's the only video game I've ever downloaded to a cell phone. You would think with my well known love for the Man of Pac, that that would be the direction I would be going in, but I have fooled you yet again.

I'm talking Burgertime, fools!



Is there anything greater than taking the role of chef trying to make burgers ten times as big as you while being chased by anthropomorphic sausages, eggs and pickles? Yes, the theming needs some help. Eggs and sausages don't really go with burgers….but that's the beauty. You see, Mr. Egg and Mr. Sausage are trying to thwart your efforts of delivering a tasty burger for whichever giant person you are serving. They are jealous. Eventually, if you avoid them long enough to serve dozens of customers, they will bring in their gangsta pepper cousins who can spew fire at will. That's when it gets rough. How eggs with legs learn to climb ladders is not for you to ask, but to destroy with various combinations of salt and pepper…and love. The worst part of this game is like most simple 80s games, it is incredibly addictive. And you can't get the music out of your head for a few hours after playing. Eventually, you'll find yourself wondering around the hallways at work humming it to yourself, dodging in and out of door to avoid oncoming people that may be a walking pickle in disguise. Not that that's ever happened to me before. The game was obviously inspirational enough to inspire art.

**WARNING**: Look at this art just before going to bed at your own risk! I am not responsible for any recurring waking nightmares you may have. You have been warned**







YOUR ONE HIT WONDER FOR 1996:



What can I say? Great song. I was going to go with "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something based on the fact that the song is more likely to get stuck in your head and because I still have "Cumbersome" on my ipod. However, youtube could not provide me with a satisfactory version of the video so Seven Mary Three wins by default. I could have gone with Spacehog and "In the Meantime," but I'm still bitter that the lead singer got to marry Liv Tyler for a few years. "Cumbersome" – put it on your ipod or I will send Uncle Sam after you.




July 3, 1985

#1 Song



"Heaven" by Bryan Adams

#1 Album



The Beverly Hills Cop Soundtrack

Notables: "Neutron Dance" by the Pointer Sisters and "The Heat is On" by Glenn Frey

#1 Movie



Pale Rider

Notables: St. Elmo's Fire

Sports

MAJORE LEAGUE BASEBALL DIVISION LEADERS

American League East – Toronto Blue Jays
American League West – California Angels
National League East – St. Louis Cardinals
National League West – San Diego Padres


The Best Thing I Will Watch This Week: The Revolution

Starting at 10 AM on the Fourth, The History Channel is running their 11 episode The Revolution. If you haven't seen this yet, set the DVR. It's a documentary/live action series that guides you from the beginnings of the Revolutionary War through Washington being named the first President. It's the rare combination of being entertaining and educational. If you have any interest in the subject at all, this is a must see!

I must leave you now

Until next week, enjoy your paid day off and try to come back to me next week with all fingers attached.