The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 7.06.08: Issue #19

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 07.06.2008

"Sasquatch Hunters" (2005) and "After Sundown" (2006) and a comment on "Vampire Assassin" (2005)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #19: "Sasquatch Hunters" (2005) and "After Sundown" (2006) and a comment on "Vampire Assassin" (2005)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that thinks it's about time that TV show prosecutors learn how to indict another sandwich besides a ham one, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number nineteen, I take a look at the 2005 horror flick "Sasquatch Hunters" and the 2006 mega low budget horror flick "After Sundown," and then, I take an abbreviated look at a movie I didn't finish watching and may not ever finish watching because it's so incredibly awful, "Vampire Assassin," which appeared in 2005.

Sasquatch Hunters


"Sasquatch Hunters" is one of those low budget horror flicks that's fairly good for about an hour or so, and then peters out towards the end. Most of the time, when a low budget horror flick starts to wane at the end it's usually due to an obvious lack of money for a decent conclusion, but in the case of "Sasquatch Hunters," it's because the flick decides to leave the daylight and descend into darkness. Yes, that's right; this horror flick, directed by Fred Tepper, loses all of its juice because the sun goes down. That doesn't seem right, right? Shouldn't things get scarier when it gets dark?

The flick is about a group of researchers, led by Dr. Ethan Edwards (Gary Sturm) and Dr. Helen Gilbert (Amy Shelton-White), going deep into a national park forest to search for old bones or something. With the help of a few local rangers (Janet Combs, as played by Stacey Branscombe, Spencer Combs, as played by Rick Holland, and a few others), they're off on a multi-day expedition into the deepest part of the forest to look for these bones or whatever the heck it is they're looking for. Little do they all know that the forest is the home of a group of unknown creatures (the Sasquatches of the title) who are incredibly pissed off that these humans have moved in on their home. So, when they all meet up, the question becomes will the researchers and the rangers survive the onslaught of the believed to-be-not-real monsters?

As I said at the start, this flick works quite well for about the first hour. We get a nifty little opening where a bunch of drunk hicks out hunting in the woods get torn apart by one of the sasquatch monsters, and then after a pretty cool opening credits sequence (which is really something you don't see all that much in low budget movies like this) we get to meet the researchers and the rangers. The rangers, with the exception of Branscombe's Janet Combs, are all dicks bored out of their minds with their job and this whole idea of marching these college professors out into the woods for reasons that aren't very clear (check out the first camp sequence where they all discuss their lives around the campfire. Could the scientists be any more freaking vague about what they're doing?), and the researchers are mellow and just what you'd expect from movie scientists and researchers (they hate guns, at least one of them looks like a hippie, and they all hate authority). Gary Sturm is quite good as Dr. Edwards. He's the cinematic embodiment of a "typical" college professor. And Amy Shelton-White is just as good as Dr. Helen Gilbert. I just wish the reason for their excursion into the woods was a little clearer. Why couldn't they all go out there because of bigfoot sightings or something like that? Why not make Dr. Edwards a total look at the beginning, a bigfoot weirdo?

The sasquatch monsters are pretty good throughout as well. They come in a mix of CGI and what appears to be man in suit technique. The CGI stuff, when it's done in a flash cut manner, is actually kind of freaky (you sure as heck wouldn't want to run into that freaking thing in the woods). It kind of looks like a mutated version of that hairy monster thing in "Big Trouble in Little China." The man in suit stuff is breathtakingly good, especially from a distance. You can't see the creature's face, but when that hairy black mass is in motion you will likely crap your pants (I know I almost did).

And then the sun goes down and things get bad really, really fast. The story just stops as the remaining cast members hole up in a cave and try to figure out what the heck is really going on. The sasquatch monsters actually become less scary while in the dark. And the action bits just don't work because we can't see what's going on. There's a good twenty minutes or so here where all kinds of things are supposed to be happening but really aren't. When the sun comes up and the remaining cast members try to make their last ditch escape from the forest the flick starts to pick up again, but, sadly, not enough to save it. I will say, though, that there is a great little scene where more and more sasquatch show up and attack the remaining cast members. The way it's shot, the way it plays out, it's goosebump inducing (well, at least it was for me. Again, if I saw that hiking in the forest I think I'd shit myself).

The other questionable aspect of the flick is the music, which has a John Williams "Indiana Jones" quality about it. It's interesting and fun for about ten minutes. When you hear the same three notes again for like the millionth time you want to shut the sound off. I understand why the flick has so much music repetition in it (low budget movies always do that with music), and I'm happy that it doesn't have that overt synth feel to it, but, again, for the love of Drake, turn it down a little. It doesn't need to play all of the time.

All in all, "Sasquatch Hunters" is a decent enough little low budget horror flick worth checking out. It won't change anyone's life, but it's a nifty way to spend about ninety minutes of your time. Just try to get through that rough patch in the dark.

So what do we have here? Gunshots in the woods, gratuitous three hick hunters out in the woods, gratuitous drinking in the woods, looking at bear dung, gratuitous multiple sasquatch attacks, face scratching, limb ripping, gratuitous monster POV, a pretty decent score for a low budget movie like this, a real douchebag ranger, gratuitous hot woman in a bikini, gratuitous tranquilizer rifles, gratuitous homophobia, gratuitous sasquatch ramming a guy into a tree, gratuitous people talking about their lives around the campfire, talk of "Wendingo," attempted sexual harassment, getting excited about trees, decamping, towel whipping, a dead bear in a tree, getting lost in the woods, gratuitous jump and roll, taking photos in the dark, gratuitous foot in a bear trap, using glowsticks, gratuitous massive sasquatch attack, and some funny end credits.

Best lines: "Hey, lay off a-hole. At least I don't have to shave my wife's back," "Nice day for a hike," "I know you're anxious to get there, but just remember, in order to get there we actually have to get there," "College babe! Nice!," "You were paying attention when I said I don't like surprises, right?," "Rifles, pistols, I even run with scissors every once in a while. That's dangerous, stick with guns," "So, what's the story with wild Bill?," "You know, I never realized how big this place is," "So, what do you think of my tent?," "What the hell is in Africa?," "Hey, they got records for shit that old?," "You've never heard of the legendary window washer?," "Nice tent," "Would a bear throw it up in a tree like that?," "Good work, team. So the theory we're going with is it's a homicidal bear with tree climbing wolves for accomplices?," "Do me a favor. Don't be so cryptic," "This is utterly amazing," "Where are the bones?," "He's going to be 30 next month I didn't know that," "What the hell is all this?," "That's a great fucking suggestion," "What the hell are you talking about? They're fucking animals. They don't even knowe what fucking sacred is!," "Chock one up to the fur traders. I'm sure they're smiling somewhere," "Let's get the hell out of their territory," and "You okay to drive, Ethan?"

Rating: 7.5/10

After Sundown


And then there's "After Sundown," a movie that's just all over the map, never really finding its footing because it's unsure of what it's supposed to be about. Part western, part vampire movie, and for reasons that defy explanation, part zombie movie, "After Sundown" starts out in the old west, Rock Gulch, Texas crica 1883 to be exact. It appears as though the local priest (as played by Chris Whatley) is performing some kind of exorcism on a pregnant woman, and the town's able bodied men are lining the street, guns drawn, waiting for something sinister to mosey on in. A low budget shoot out ensues, with a a duster wearing vampire cowboy (the something sinister) walking into town, two pistols at the ready, blasting everything in sight. And then the flick suddenly changes course and it's modern times, with a group of researchers or some such people digging up the ground and taking bits and pieces of material from the site back to the local medical examiner's office. Or something. Anyway, the diggers find a very intact human body just below a serious amount of dirt and freak out. The dead body, a female (Molly, as played the uber hot Natalie Jones), looks quite fresh, which it so obviously shouldn't (the site hadn't been touched in over a century. There should be nothing but bones). Just what the heck is going on?

The dead female body is back at the morgue, being checked out by Shannon (Susana Gibb) and Mikey (Reece Rios) and their douchebag boss Benjamin (Michael W. Brown). Meanwhile, back at the dig site, one of the workers sneaks back to steal something presumably valuable (a gold cross) and unknowingly helps unleash the vampire cowboy (as played by J. Christopher, also known as Christopher Abram). The vampire cowboy immediately starts looking for something (and he starts killing people left and right because, well, that's what vampire cowboys do I guess). Back at the morgue, Benjamin has decided not to start an autopsy on Molly (because Benjamin isn't paying any fucking overtime) and everyone adjourns for the evening. So, while Benjamin goes back to his office to be a douchebag there, and Shannon and Mikey go off to live their outside the office lives, Molly sits up on her gurney and starts dripping blood into the mouths of other dead bodies in the morgue. Why is she doing that? Because she's making zombies. And why is she doing that? Because that's what the vampire cowboy is doing. The vampire cowboy is also making zombies.

Eventually, Shannon and Mikey find their way back to the morgue, and quite quickly they're both surrounded by an army of the undead. With Benjamin dead (that's not much of a spoiler, by the way, because you know as soon as you see him that he's going to die at some point) and the local cops showing up to lend a hand (Sheriff Jimmy, as played by the great Jake Billingsley, and the Deputy, as played by Joey Galt), Shannon, Mikey, and Mikey's hot ass babe girlfriend (who I believe is named Niki, and she's played by Jamie Amaral) have to navigate through the legions of zombies to find out why this is all happening and what do they have to do to put a stop to it.

The biggest issue I have with this flick is the lack of an explanation for why a vampire isn't creating vampires when he attacks someone and why when he goobs blood into someone's mouth that person transforms into a zombie. It just doesn't make any sense. Unless, of course, the vampire cowboy isn't a vampire cowboy and is instead an immortal cowboy zombie with vampire tendencies. But then again, since when are zombies killed or hurt by sunlight? As far as I can tell, this flick has no real "rules" to speak of, so it's difficult to know exactly what's going on. And the whole thing with the old journal and the business with the old west flashbacks just doesn't work because you have no idea what any of it means. The flick probably would have been better off explaining nothing at all.

The one thing the flick excels at is make up. The zombie hordes look quite scary at times, which is often hard to do with a movie this cheap. The vampire cowboy make up is excellent (if this flick had a little better script and more money behind it the vampire cowboy easily could be a modern horror movie icon. He just has that look). And Molly, even when dead and goobing and oozing blood, is hotter than most "living" female actors. Again, she also just has that look.

The cast is pretty decent. Susana Gibb and Reece Rios are good enough leads, although I'm still not quite sure about their relationship. They both have excellent chemistry with Michael W. Brown's Benjamin, who plays one of the biggest douchebags you're likely ever to see in a movie. You just can't wait to see him freaking die. His death isn't as bloody as it should be (sadly, no one's death is as bloody as it should be), but at least he freaking dies. Jake Billingsley is fabulous as Sheriff Jimmy (I'd love to see a movie where his character is center stage. It'd be hilarious, like a Quentin Tarantino Michael Parks horror flick). And Joey Galt is great as his sidekick, the Deputy. I'd love to see him in the Sheriff Jimmy movie as, what else, the Deputy.

The opening old west sequence is one of the best bits of the movie, eventhough it looks as cheap as hell. The flashbacks later in the movie don't work as well as they should, mostly because we don't spend enough time at the beginning in the old west. And I don't know why the flick wasn't completely set in the old west (well, beyond the money factor).

And why does the flick just end?

In the end, "After Sundown" does some interesting things, but can't rise above its budget and script issues to where it's completely entertaining. It's just entertaining most of the time.

So, what do we have here? Gratuitous old west, guys loading guns, gratuitous old west guitar players doing a classical guitar routine, putting a candle in the window, gratuitous black cowboy, gratuitous vampire cowboy shooting everything in sight, gratuitous dig site, a dead body that should be decomposed but isn't, nice yellow handle scissors, gratuitous douchebag boss, an old gold cross with blood on it, a nifty little cowboy vampire introduction, gratuitous surveilance camera scenes that look like they're inspired by "Halloween II," a jump scare, gratuitous talk about going to Fort Worth, gratuitous dead vampire chick creating zombies in the morgue, a white cat, a coffin room, gratuitous "Billy Bob's Texas" bar with some of the lamest band bar music you're likely to hear, gratuitous flashback to the old west, spitting up blood, dying in the bathroom, a nice zombie crowd scene, backing up into a parking spot, a bathed in white wedding flashback with some of the scariest looking zombies you're likely to see in a low budget movie, drunk cowboys urinating in an alley, attacking old black homeless guys, punch to the gut, neck gouging, neck biting, ripping out a guy's heart and then eating it, zombie face chewing, gratuitous character pissed about zombies blocking town traffic, broken off broomstick to the head, zombies eating people, using a twiggy tree branch as a weapon, zombies in the dark, zombie vampire chick giving birth, multiple up close zombie head shots, gratuitous zombie with a golf club, gratuitous cop car trunk filled with weapons, slow motion vampire cowboy jumping onto roof of car, gratuitous zombie massacre, hitting the brakes, ramming a guy into a tree, exploding zombie, beating a zombie to death with the butt of a shotgun, and a bad ending.

Best lines: "This be Lucifer's child," "Hey, you two still here?," "This child is a newborn. Looks like you're going to have your hands full," "Oh, you're reading! Good for you!," "Personal space!," "Give me your clothes," "Dumb ass," "Welcome to Billy Bob's, what can I get you?," "Tell Niki I said hi," "Hey, barkeep, what is it with this place, huh? The scenery sucks," "Who wrote this? Anne Rice?," "Benjamin's a zombie!," "Earl, Earl, what is that?," "I bet he's hung like a Tic-Tac," "Halloween's over, kicker," "Ah, jerkoff, what is this guy doing, taking a leak?," "Why don't you just run them over?," "You can't run over people just because they're already dead?," "Back to hell! Back to hell!," "Shit, look at all of them," and "Rise and shine."

Rating: 6.0/10

Vampire Assassin

And then there's "Vampire Assassin," a 2005 Lionsgate release that may be one of the worst movies ever made. It's about as bad as "Battlespace," and we all know how bad that was. As far as I can tell (and I'm going to say right from the start that I got through about thirty minutes of the flick before shutting it off, unable to continue) the flick has something to do with an old vampire showing up in some city hell bent on killing a bunch of people for some reason, and Derek Washington (as played by writer, director, and star Ron Hall), a local cop, has to stop him. Maybe. Again, I'm not really sure about this flick.

I should have gutted it out and just sat through it, but, I just couldn't do it. Nothing made any sense. Low budget kung fu fights break out for no reason, the lead vampire does some stuff, and that's about as far as I got.

I do plan on checking this flick out again and getting through it all, just to see if, maybe, it gets better towards the end. I doubt it, but there's always that chance.

I will say, though, that if you see this flick on the shelves at your local video store and you start to think, "Hey, this looks like Blade, and Blade was awesome, so I'll check this out too!" for the love of Drake don't. The DVD case lies.

So, again, maybe, in the future, I'll check out this flick in its totality. Maybe. It depends on how things work out.

I'll forgo the rundowns for this flick. And the cast list. There's no trailer on youtube, either. But this DVD cover is what you need to avoid.



Avoid, avoid, avoid.

****

Well, that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

"Sasquatch Hunters"

Gary Sturm- Dr. Ethan Edawards
Amy Shelton-White- Dr. Helen Gilbert
Matt Lattimore- Roger Gordon
Stacey Branscombe- Janet Combs
Rick Holland- Spencer Combs
Kevin O'Connor- Charles Landon
David Zelina- Brian Stratton
Juliana Dever- Louise Keaton
Directed by Fred Tepper
Screenplay by Alain Matz, based on a story by Alain Matz, Fred Teper, and Tom Zimmerman
Distributed by Columbia-Tristar Home Video
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 88 minutes
Buy it here




"After Sundown"

Susana Gibb- Shannon
Reece Rios- Mikey
J. Christopher- The Vampire Cowboy
Natalie Jones- Molly
Michael W. Brown- Benjamin
Jake Billingsley- Sheriff Jimmy
Joey Galt- The Deputy
Chris Whatley- The Preacher
Jamie Amarai- Niki
Directed by Christopher Abram and Michael W. Brown
Screenplay by Christopher Abram
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for horror violence and gore and language
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here