Misunderstood Masterpieces 07.08.08: I Know Who Killed Me
Posted by Will Helm on 07.08.2008
...or, LiLo in Stitches
Over the past few years, few young actresses have been as controversial as Lindsay Lohan. Whether in films or on the gossip pages with her antics, Ms. Lohan is guaranteed to grab headlines. Though her wild, chemical-fueled episodes may have subsided, the lady the press have christened "LiLo" still finds a way to stay in the public eye, this time by either turning 22 or apparently – according to those very same gossip pages – being a lesbian.
With all the hubbub about Lindsay Lohan's personal life, it's easy to forget that she is, indeed an actress, and, at one time, a rather promising one at that. Initially starring in Disney's remake of it's own The Parent Trap in 1998, Lindsay Lohan spent five years away from the public eye, busting out – no pun intended – as a relatively grown-up actress in Disney's remake of Freaky Friday, alongside Jamie Lee Curtis. Though Freaky Friday was well-regarded, Lindsay Lohan would make her mark as a promising young actress the next year, following up the forgettable Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen with the lauded high-school comedy Mean Girls.
Unfortunately for Ms. Lohan, just as she was reaching for stardom, her oft-wild antics became fodder for the gossip pages. Otherwise, no one would've known the irony of a young star with a penchant for car accidents and underage drinking starring in Herbie: Fully Loaded. In addition, the effect of the gossip pages seemed to take a toll on critics, who pointed more vitriol toward Lindsay Lohan's films, like the lambasted Georgia Rule from 2007. Perhaps this hatred from critics culminated in another of Lindsay Lohan's releases from 2007: I Know Who Killed Me. Considered by many one of the worst films of the year, I Know Who Killed Me perhaps proved that moniker by garnering a record-breaking eight Razzie wins – mainly because Lindsay Lohan won twice . . . but I don't want to spoil the fun. And what fun it is, as a film regarded as badly as I Know Who Killed Me begs to be a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . but is it? Let's find out!
At a seedy burlesque club – even though "burlesque" could not be more antiquated or inappropriate in this context, someone has a beat poetry-inspired monologue and then Lindsay Lohan hits the stage in a drug-fueled haze. Or, as she calls it, "Monday." Though her performance is decidedly unerotic, old sleazy guys in the audience dig it, but I think that's just Pavlovian conditioning. A rabid bear could wander out on stage and, as long as the DJ introduces it and some Motley Crue starts playing, the old sleazy guys would be interested. After a near eternity of stumbling around the appropriately-named thrust stage, Lindsay Lohan slowly starts stripping and gets to work on a pole onstage, which somehow starts bleeding. Maybe it's trying to end the misery of watching Lindsay Lohan's awful display before the opening credits even conclude.
Remarkably, the pole ends up in the hospital . . . or, in actuality, a school, where young Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) finishes a lame short story about the stripper and the bleeding pole. Oh . . . it was all fake. Gotcha. Aubrey is apparently a smart cookie, because she wears glasses. That's always a dead giveaway, no pun intended. Sometime later that day, at some big house, a hunky guy gardens and Aubrey plays piano, just to hammer home the plot point that she's really, really smart. Unfortunately for Aubrey, her Germanic manager and/or piano teacher (Thomas Tofel) is on hand to scold her for being imprecise. And if there's one thing that Germans hate . . . it's unfair stereotypes. Anyway, Aubrey, much to the piano teacher's dismay, states that she thinks she's not really cut out for the piano, but her piano teacher argues that she must learn the piano to keep from becoming a "young artist" has-been. Hmm . . . I sense art imitating life here. A has-been or not, at least Aubrey has a well-hung hairless cat to console her. Seriously. And that isn't a euphemism or a double entendre.
Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan is a "firecrotch" anyway.
Later that evening, Aubrey writes on her laptop while lame pop music plays in the background. Once again, she has her smarty-pants glasses on, so everyone knows she's intelligent; if not, she also has a monologue to convince the non-believers. Somehow, this monologue teleports Aubrey back to school, where some dude (Brian Geraghty) gives her a blue rose. Moments later, in the dark, some girl screams and, apparently, is smooshed by some unseen force. Hey . . . all I heard was the splat of viscera, so smooshing is what I'll assume. In the aftermath of the mysterious smooshing, the media questions Officer Santa Claus (Donovan Scott) regarding the apparent murder. Meanwhile, an unconcerned Aubrey argues with her boyfriend about getting it on – because I suppose the blue rose was supposed to symbolize his blue balls; before a full-scale tiff can break out, the HOT CHICK teacher interrupts the conversation and causes the boyfriend to – again, symbolically – point at worm junk. Before the class can have a good laugh at the boyfriend's expense, scarring his psyche for life, the teacher finds out some SHOCKING NEWS: some girl has been smooshed! Dum-dum-DUM! And the teacher doesn't know anything else about it . . . or she's covering it all up. Well, the teacher is now the prime suspect; good job, teach!
Even though the HOT CHICK teacher contends that she knows nothing, the coroner does, so he helpfully shows up to provide exposition through internal monologue while writing his autopsy report. Meanwhile, over at Aubrey's inexplicable giant mansion, the hunky gardener gardens – as per his particular idiom – and rocks out simultaneously. Aubrey shows up and, since she's underage and nubile, the hunky gardener strips for her. Aubrey, unwisely, flirts back at the hunky gardener before flipping him off. And now the hunky gardener is officially the prime suspect. Dum-dum-DUM!
That evening, at the high school's big game, the overly-excited announcer pays tribute to the dead girl by totally milking his call for a moment of silence. One annoyance I have with the movie so far – other than the fact that it's only about twenty minutes in – is the fact that the film repeatedly refers to the dead girl by her full name, especially here. I don't know why that strikes me as so odd, but it does. Anyway, while Aubrey enjoys the game from the stands, everything in her view suddenly turns blue, black, and white. Ooh . . . maybe she shouldn't have dropped acid before the game. After the game, Aubrey's snotty friends pester her about not giving it up to her boyfriend, so she tells them gross horror stories to get them off her back. Then, perhaps in another drug-fueled haze, Aubrey wanders off stupidly – doesn't she know there's a dead girl who's dead! Of course, Aubrey goes missing, which makes her snotty friends freak out until Aubrey's boyfriend shows up; unfortunately for him, Aubrey's snotty friends suck at directions, so when they find her car . . . it's too late!
Aubrey, unsurprisingly – as she did stupidly wander off while there's a crazy killer on the loose, is now missing . . . and bound and gagged and put under lights. Or, as Lindsay Lohan would call it, "Tuesday." Back in town, the a cop (Spencer Garrett) interviews Aubrey's absentee father (Neal McDonough) while Officer Santa waits patiently in the wings. Meanwhile, another cop (Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon) questions Aubrey's mother (Julia Ormond) and her well-hung hairless cat upstairs. It seems, other than the fact that she has a hairless cat, Aubrey's mom is a bit batty for no apparent reason.
Somewhere under hot, unforgiving lights – like a Disney movie set, Aubrey gets her hand frozen off with some dry ice. Since Aubrey is all intellectual, she giggles about the entire scenario before making pig noises for reasons unexplained. Maybe she's a huge fan of Ned Beatty. Maybe to shut Aubrey up, some blue-masked dude lops off a few fingers; yeah . . . the killer is totally the piano teacher. But it can't be that obvious, so I'll say it's Tobias Fünke. Meanwhile, in a church somewhere, the FBI does criminology stuff and the male agent – who I earlier thought was a cop – jokes about it cynically. Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype of a hardened, uncaring investigator, movie!
Once again under hot lights, Aubrey squeals and reaches for nearby tools; moments later, some chick with a messed up face – which she apparently paid for; plastic surgery should come with a warning label – yells into her cell phone before swerving on a wet road. Remarkably and/or preposterously, her headlights shine directly into a ditch where she spies a heap of Aubrey lying. Aubrey, near death, is quickly spirited to the hospital, where she wakes up in surgery – just because it's freaky – before the doctors lop off some body parts, continuing what the killer started. That's awfully nice of the doctors, isn't it?
Some time later, a homely nurse wakes Aubrey from her slumber and then Aubrey discovers, much to her horror, that she's now the love child of Rose McGowan from Grindhouse and Carla Gugino from Sin City. Either that or she needed to buy some gas for her car and it literally cost her an arm and a leg. Ooh . . . TOPICAL! Elsewhere, while Officer Santa pesters the FBI, the two agents on the case pitch movie plots, although they would probably call it "brainstorming for possible modus operandi" or something fancy like that. Back at the hospital, Aubrey's parents visit her, probably for the first time in years. Too bad Aubrey turns out to be an amnesiac, which makes her mother freak out for mysterious reasons. So is the mother the prime suspect now? Dum-dum-DUM?
The next day, Aubrey has a session with a psychiatrist and, through some clinical probing – but not the anal kind, perverts, Aubrey confesses that she's actually a crack baby named "Dakota Moss." She also has a job, but, mysteriously, no social security number. She's an undocumented worker! Tom Tancredo's going to be pissed! According to Dakota, her mom unsurprisingly overdosed, so Dakota stole $11 from the corpse. Before she can provide any more exposition, however, Dakota somehow uses her Spidey-sense to discern that the psychiatrist isn't just a helpful doctor but also working with the FBI. Luckily, in lieu of Dakota providing exposition, the psychiatrist takes over that role. Thanks, doc!
Sometime later, Dakota peruses pictures of corpses – which is really kind of freaky – and then her crazy mom comes for a visit. Dakota doesn't appreciate the kindness . . . until a picture of Hawaii gives her a flashback to a random day at the beach. Oh yeah . . . she's trippin' balls. Before Dakota and her crazy mom can bond a little more over other memories, the crazy mom finds the pictures of the corpses and yells at the FBI for giving them to Dakota. Later, perhaps spurred on by Dakota's mom's outburst, the psychiatrist and the FBI meet with Dakota because they want answers. Dakota is reluctant to provide the answers until she finally breaks down and confesses that she's actually an underage stripper . . . apparently in Grotesque Stripper Land. I guess a girl like Dakota could make some good money there; she's the feast while all the other dancers are the famine. It's too bad Dakota strips like Jessica Alba in Sin City: that is to say "not at all." Seriously; there was more nudity in Lindsay Lohan's recent Esquire spread. It's not like I'm forcing anyone to go nude onscreen, but it does violate the tradition that strippers equal nudity. Even a body double would suffice, people! But not Body Double. At least the sleazy old guys at the club don't seem to mind, so that's good.
Later that evening, Dakota – and her goofy flapper hat – wanders home from work; before she can catch the next bus home, she starts having hallucinations . . . and then the FBI agents get ticked at her for playing around with their time. Dakota, perhaps upset that her stripping career is over and the FBI seems totally unconcerned with that fact, throws a – very bad and unmotivated – temper tantrum in response. After the meeting, the FBI agents question the shrink about what's really going on with Dakota, but the shrink is mystified by the situation. Though the psychiatrist thinks that Dakota is delusional, the male FBI agent has a more cynical response, while the open-minded female agent is more responsive to the psychiatrist's theories. And gender stereotypes continue unabated.
Back at home, Dakota's dad watches television and he finds out that his daughter has been found and is still alive, even though he knew that all along. Meanwhile, Dakota, still in the hospital, has more flashbacks and starts bleeding randomly from her arm; her crazy father, who must have the power to teleport, shows up out of nowhere to wrestle with her, but the FBI isn't amused by the outburst. So her father is the prime suspect? Sheesh, movie! Dum-dum-DUM! The next day, or sometime later – this movie plays fast and loose with time, Dakota eerily stares into a mirror and pretends to be herself . . . or Aubrey. I'm still not sure which. Before she can perfect the façade, however, some guy comes in with a gift for Dakota: a cybernetic hand! Sweet! Robo-LiLo! The guy – who also happens to be the nicest character in the entire movie – then gives Dakota a fake leg and some physical therapy, as well as a few helpful warnings that can't be foreshadowing at all. Nope . . . not at all.
That night, Robo-Dakota goes home with her creepy parents, but, once there, she reveals that she doesn't like her room much and she hates well-hung hairless cats. Although that's not what I've heard. The next day, Aubrey's boyfriend arrives for a visit with some blue roses for his beloved; Robo-Dakota thanks him by nearly crushing his hand. I think, in some cultures, that means they're married. After a bit of an uncomfortable exchange, the boyfriend freaks out because he feels guilty about what happened to Robo-Dakota, or because he's not into amputees. Then again, maybe he is, as he and Robo-Dakota make out a bit before Robo-Dakota's crazy mom busts in to break up the fun. The boyfriend and Robo-Dakota escape to her room for a little more privacy . . . and wild, freaky, cyborg-amputee sex. Well, I'll give I Know Who Killed Me one thing: I certainly believe that's a cinematic first. Meanwhile, Robo-Dakota's mom has a bout of obsessive-compulsive disorder in the kitchen, as per her particular crazy idiom.
After the coitus, Robo-Dakota sort of provides exposition for her boyfriend – even though she exposed plenty already – in the form of another flashback. Apparently, in the shower one day, her middle finger just decided to start rotting, so she starts stripping while hopped up on goofballs. After Dakota bled a bit on the pole – from her hand, perverts, she goes backstage to pull her finger off. Yummy! Unfortunately, Dakota doesn't think so, as she passes out and then the grotesque strippers gawk at her. Dakota comes to and shoos them off before heading home on the bus, where some random guy (Michael Esparza) gives her first aid tips.
After this rather random bit of exposition, Robo-Dakota asks her boyfriend for help, so he runs off on a mission and asks the surrounding FBI agents if they have condoms. OK . . . whatever, movie. Moments later, the boyfriend runs back in the house, only to steal a car and, apparently, kidnap Robo-Dakota. Oh no! He's the killer! Dum-dum-DUM! Or not, as the boyfriend simply takes Robo-Dakota to the dead girl's house, where the dead girl's parents yell at her for being selfish and not telling the FBI everything she knows . . . which apparently isn't much, as she's not wearing her glasses. Robo-Dakota, unmoved by the parents' pleas, simply wants to see the dead girl's room, which she tours until her crazy mom show up out of nowhere to bring her back home. To be honest, I don't know if this movie is actively confusing or just killing time, but my money's on the latter.
Once again, the FBI does stuff, this time to Aubrey's laptop, where the open-minded FBI agent finds an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT in the form of a very apropos short story wherein Aubrey has a fake twin sister. Wait . . . I hope the fake twin sister isn't the killer. Dum-dum-DUMB! Meanwhile, in a dream, the dude from the bus appears to Robo-Dakota with a freaky tattoo on his chest. Somehow, this causes Robo-Dakota to wake up and break into Aubrey's laptop – even though I thought the FBI had it – and transform into film-noir Robo-Dakota. Once online, Robo-Dakota surfs the Web for product placement and the stigmata, which somehow brings up a video featuring the love child of Stephen King and Stephen Hawking. Oh wait . . . it's just Art Bell, with some bad film noir footage to explain a hopefully UNIMPORTANT PLOT POINT.
Before the importance of said plot point can be revealed, Robo-Dakota's crazy mom pops in for a visit and starts smoking with her daughter. From you, alright! I learned it by watching you! During the bonding time, Robo-Dakota reveals a wacky theory that she believes she's her own twin sister, but her crazy mom refutes that claim with a convenient video of a sonogram . . . and then she has flashbacks while Robo-Dakota's creepy dad looms in the background. I have to say that I think I know where this is headed and I really, really don't like it. Anyway, Robo-Dakota's mom gives her daughter a little pep talk for no particular reason and then they go their separate ways.
Later that night, Robo-Dakota sneaks around the house and tries to grab a trophy off a shelf, but she falls and starts hallucinating a murder, complete with unnecessarily artsy visuals. Meanwhile, Robo-Dakota's crazy dad drinks and then Robo-Dakota confronts him about some wacky conspiracy she came up with wherein the crazy dad bought Aubrey from Robo-Dakota's crackhead mom to replace a stillborn baby so Robo-Dakota's crazy mom wouldn't go crazier and she and Aubrey are actually long lost twins after all. Of course, Robo-Dakota's dad neither confirms nor denies this theory, probably because his brain is swimming in a sea of fine scotch. Meanwhile, Robo-Dakota has another flashback where she tries to sew her finger back on, but, instead, she wakes up to find her leg rotting off. OK then, movie. Thanks for that.
Robo-Dakota, unhappy with her crazy father, runs off in search of the killer and her long lost twin sister who may or may not exist, but, along the way, her cyborg leg starts running low on energy. She should have listened to the nice guy earlier! Damned foreshadowing! Meanwhile, the killer buries someone in an unnecessarily ornate casket. In a cemetery, where the killer isn't, Robo-Dakota finds a clue among the tombstones, specifically at the grave of the dead girl from the beginning of the movie. Before she has a chance to act on it, her crazy dad shows up to help, causing Robo-Dakota to have more flashbacks.
Sometime later, Robo-Dakota's dad parks at some shack while Robo-Dakota goes wandering about the grounds, where she finds a possum and the killer. Before she has a chance to identify the killer, she lops his hand off with a conveniently placed shard of glass. Moments later, Robo-Dakota stumbles into a room filled with prosthetic limbs. So the killer is actually Marilyn Manson? Dum-dum-DUM! Well, it certainly isn't Robo-Dakota's crazy dad, as Robo-Dakota finds him mostly dead, before his condition downgrades to just plain dead. In his stead, the killer shows up to beat Robo-Dakota with her own cybernetic hand, just because that's hilarious. While Robo-Dakota is tied up in the basement, the killer plays the piano with his one good hand and is revealed to be . . . the piano teacher! I'm very unimpressed by this development. It really doesn't matter, though, as, moments later, after a brief scuffle, Robo-Dakota unceremoniously kills the piano teacher. With the killer now dead, Robo-Dakota wanders into the woods where she digs up her remarkably alive and extant long lost twin sister, Aubrey. Aww crap . . . so this was just the sequel to The Parent Trap all along?
I deserve endless gratitude because I can't believe I sat through this. I wouldn't be surprised if I Know Who Killed Me violates the Geneva Conventions in some way, because watching it certainly is akin to torture. Not only is the film filled with utterly preposterous plot twists, inane dialogue, terrible acting, and unnecessarily artsy and or grotesque visuals, it's also mind numbingly dull. In fact, not even midway through the movie, I scribbled "THIS IS BORING" in my notes and was very tempted to do it over and over and over again. Certainly that would be more exciting than anything going on in I Know Who Killed Me. In addition, other than "Robo-Dakota" being beaten with her own hand, this film doesn't even have enough unintentional hilarity to make it worthwhile as a camp classic. At best . . . at VERY best, this movie can just be a Misunderstood Masterpiece and feel lucky that I'll even consider it that at all.
Join me next week as I respectfully nod to another zone here at 411Mania.com with the first in a series of wrestling-related movies. See you then!
