Mr. Floppy 07.12.08: The Uwe Boll Special

Posted by Peter Bielik on 07.13.2008

It's time to look at the pro.

OK. Every installment, I write about some movie flop. Sometimes, it's about projects whose flopping certainly isn't a surprise (or is there anyone out there that thought Battlefield Earth is going to be a big hit?), sometimes it isn't so expected (the relatively cheap Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford).

In the life of most known directors, there are films that can be considered hits and others that can be considered, well, flops. Only a handful of chosen ones have a pure hit-list under their belt (meaning no bombs) – James Cameron, Roland Emmerich (surprised?), George Lucas, Shawn Levy (Oh My God!) and a I'm certain a few more that I'm just too lazy to find out about.
Concerning an opposite list- i.e. directors that made nothing but flops- well, I'm sure there aren't that many of them either (I believe Terry Gilliam comes close). Ed Wood certainly comes to mind and I can use this legendary trash-maker as a nice bridge to the guy this week's article is about.

Yes, it's him. The enemy of the critics, the boxing director, video-game enthusiast and incredible fund-raiser, Uwe Boll himself. If there is anyone out there who can aspire for the title "New Ed Wood", I believe it's none other than Mr. Boll. This man isn't just a director, he's a phenomenon that's one of a kind in the entire movie world. You would be hard pressed to find Boll's duplicate.

He specializes in popular video-game adaptations that are usually so bad they become sort of a collector's item. That in and of itself wouldn't be that interesting (after all- how many directors making shitty movies are there?), but it's the scope and Boll's persona that fascinates the rest of the world.
You see, this man is either a genius or a bona fide lunatic. There's just no other option in between. The fact of the matter is- his movies suck. Because of this, it's only inevitable that the critics as well as your average Joe Moviegoer shit on all of Boll's films (although admittedly-sometimes more than necessary). And this is where we cut to the core of the problem- it just happens that Uwe Boll is an extremely uncritical person when it comes to his work.

Initially, he thought the wave of disapproval that rose up with his every new movie was just a manifestation of the video-game fans' anger about the changes the artist himself brought to their beloved source. And that's understandable. I mean, we all know about the legions of House of the Dead fans that are obsessed with faithfulness to the game, especially its widely branched storyline.
Of course, Boll eventually had to face the sad truth- the dislike of his movies had nothing to do with the original video-games, but this realization didn't shake Boll's confidence in his own genius even by a little bit. And because Boll had no intentions of stopping the cooking of his exquisite cinema gourmet specialties and the critics had no intentions to stop blasting them, the German movie export no. 1 began to cultivate quite a hatred for anybody that dared to criticize his work.

It's in the light of his responses to the critics when one must begin to wonder if this person is for real. He labeled two critics from Ain't it Cool News retards. And the reaction addressed to one critic who somehow found the courage to criticize his latest blockbuster Postal---well, no words can do this justice, it can only be quoted. "You don't understand anything about movies and you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. You don't see courage because you are nothing. And now go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years...so she deserves it." Of course this kind of reaction requires an explanation which Boll provided. Boll said the critic commended his latest effort when facing Boll eye-to-eye, but then posted the scathing review. So Uwe was in the right, y'all!

Boll's madness (or genius) probably culminated in 2006 when the infamous boxing matches with his critics took place. Here's how it went down- Boll saw it like it really is. If anybody criticizes his films, he might as well be a man and stand up for his beliefs in a fight. And that's going to show who's right once and for all.
In June 2006, his production company issued a press release stating that Boll would challenge his five harshest critics each to a 10 round boxing match.
The online gambling site GoldenPalace.com decided to sponsor this event, dubbing it "Raging Boll".
Eventually, 5 matches really did occur and the five critics participating (being naive idiots that they obviously are) thought it was all just Boll's version of a creative PR move. But Uwe had all their numbers and pulled no punches in the ring, defeating all that dared to step in the ring with him. He proved us all wrong after all.
Boll later said he never intended for the fights to be any kind of PR move whatsoever- he just wanted plain ol' mano- e- mano confrontation. Regardless if he's telling the truth, this certainly is a way of shutting up the critics. Other directors- take some f'n notes!

Boll's absurd media exposure didn't end there. In April 2008, The Guardian ran an article claiming Boll had promised to retire if an online petition at petitiononline.com asking him to do so received 1,000,000 signatures. As of July 11 there are 296, 296 signatures. Feel free to join in.

The world didn't have to wait long for the director's reaction. He released a video stating that he is "the only genius in the whole fucking movie business" and that other directors such as Michael Bay and Eli Roth are "fucking retards". Bay responded to the "fucking retards" comment by calling Boll "a sad being" and stated that he didn't care "in the slightest" to the remark. However, on April 27th 2008, Boll responded to Bay's comment of "not caring about Boll" as an insult and to prove who is the better director, Boll offered to challenge Bay to a boxing match at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. If this actually happens, I hereby announce that I will officially buy all available Uwe Boll movies and am going to place them all on a shelf above my desk, so they're clearly visible to anyone entering my room.

Continuing with the fun, Boll also promised that his upcoming film Postal will be "way better than all that social-critic George Clooney bullshit that you get every fucking weekend." He has also expressed hopes that somebody will start a Pro-Uwe Boll petition, which he is sure will hit a million signatures. He also jokingly stated that he believes that his upcoming adaptation of Postal (from the video game of the same name) could beat Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the box office, because Harrison Ford is older than his deceased grandfather.

These last statements are actually very interesting. They are so absurd and ludicrous that they just couldn't be uttered by a sane person. Or could they? That's just the mystique that Boll created around himself.
These remarks simply couldn't be meant seriously. If they were, Boll should probably be in a straight jacket and not making movies. As it is, I thing Boll realized the only thing he can profit from is the idiocy of his films and his own behaviour. And so- he keeps saying absolutely insane stuff simply because that's the only way a filmmaker of his caliber can get any publicity.

His behaviour aside, another fascinating thing is how Boll manages to continually get higher budgets for his films. Since his first big film- House of the Dead- the budgets of his films have steadily gotten bigger, peaking at $60 million fo his epic- Dungeon Siege. That's actually really impressive. Sure, $60 million isn't that big of a deal in modern-day Hollywood, but the problem is how the hell does a filmmaker, whose films usually average at $10 million worldwide, get his hands on such a large pile of money? You know, I'm not the biggest expert on movie financing, but that sounds like a pretty risque production.
Fortunately, everything in this world has a rational explanation so I'm going to dissapoint those of you that thought Boll is a legitimate wizard or has mastered the power of The Force (although I admit these explanations seemed pretty logical).
Here's the deal. Boll is able to acquire funding thanks to German tax laws that reward investments in film. The law allows investors in German-owned films to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allows them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor gets a tax writeoff.

So don't worry- we still live in a real world. So if you want to make movies, you know which country to visit.

What I present here is merely an illustrative exposition of Boll's talent and his most famous pieces (if we can call them as such). So for the fans of Sanctimony with Casper Van Dien–I'm sorry, it's not there.




Year of the cock-up: 2003

Budget: $12,000,000

Domestic gross: $10,249,719

Foreign gross: $3,568,462

Worldwide gross: $13,818,181

Uwe's first movie that the world noticed had everything a Boll movie requires right- it just plain old sucked. The idea actually wasn't half bad on paper. A zombie horror. Sure, it's not a bonfire of originality, but let's be honest here—bleeding people, violence and hungry zombies- that's a combination for one fun evening. There are even individuals that find these kind of films and images simply scintillating and sexually very stimulating. Ok, that's probably just me.
House of the Dead is a light gun video-game, but that doesn't mean it's not adaptable. I mean, Hollywood was able to do a Super Mario movie so nothing is impossible.
So what's the movie about? A group of teenagers, seeking to have fun on a rave party, is brought to a deserted island by a mysterious Captain Kirk (wink, wink). Of course, no party takes place as the island is filled with hungry zombies that have nothing better to do at this time, then to try and eat our teenagers. So a fierce battle takes place.
And it's also a battle with the viewer, because after painfully boring first 20 minutes, Boll starts to demonstrate his way of moviemaking. In the words of Jack Sparrow: "Take what you can, give nothing back." For example, the popular bullet time probably occurs more in this film than it does in the entire Matrix trilogy.
But if you're a fan of the video-game, there's an added bonus—sequences from the game incorporated in the movie (flawlessly of course).

A piece of Boll dialogue magic:
Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why?
Castillo: To live forever!




Year of the cock-up: 2005

Budget: $20,000,000

Domestic gross: $5,178,569

Foreign gross: $3,013,402

Worldwide gross: $8,191,971

The previous game was quite popular, but its popularity can in no way match the notoriety of Alone in the Dark.
For the first time, Boll was able to acquire actors that people know by name and not just as "that dude from that film". It's not like they somehow help the film however. Christian Slater doesn't hold back and spends the entire movie sleepwalking. Tara Reid plays an archeologist, which is a joke that just wrote itself. But she's definitely at least nice to look at so she served her purpose.
Truth be told- Alone in the Dark isn't such an awful movie. Sure, originality once again went on a vacation, but there are far worse films of this genre to be found. It was at this point when it became very fashionable for all coffee-shop intellectuals to blast anything with Boll's name on it. That doesn't mean I'm suggesting this film to anyone, I'm just saying that if you somehow happen to be at home one Saturday evening, nothing better's on TV and you already have at least three beers in your head- Alone in the Dark will do just fine.

A piece of Boll dialogue magic:
Edward Carnby: Fear is what protects you from the things you don't believe in.




Year of the cock-up: 2006

Budget: $25,000,000

Domestic gross: $2,405,420

Foreign gross: $1,244,855

Worldwide gross: $3,650,275

Well, guess what this movie's based on? Those of you that said a video game hit it on the spot. And more well-known faces to satisfy you this time around.
Kristanna Loken began her career with a bang as T-X in Terminator 3, but afterwards her career stagnated worse than Robert Patrick's. So it comes as no surprise she agreed to participate in this film—a female vampire slayer- that has more potential than a soap commercial. And it's not just a regular vampire slayer—she is also a vampire, BUT a new kind (ORIGINALITY). Crucifix don't hurt her, but holy water does. Well, she probably got paid good enough, so who cares?
And a good payday is probably (probably meaning 100% certainty) the only reason why Sir Ben Kingsley decided to participate. In the last years, he sort of has a habit of picking roles that pay the rent, but are in amazingly bad movies. Sure, one has to make money and feed the family, but enough's enough. Gandhi- don't do this to us!
And then, we have Michael Madsen who brings the term "phoning it in" to a whole new level.

The only positive thing you can take from this film is an erotic scene involving Kristanna Loken. She's not afraid to expose her chest and one has to think it's sad she didn't do it in Terminator 3, because everyone would be happier and T-3 would be better for it. Fortunately, we live in a YouTube age, so here it goes for anyone that cares.




A piece of Boll dialogue magic:
Kagan (the Academy Award Winner Ben Kingsley): [to Rayne] Ungrateful bitch.




Year of the cock-up: 2007

Budget: $60,000,000

Domestic gross: $4,775,656

Foreign gross: $7,062,667

Worldwide gross: $11,838,323

Since everyone wanted their piece of the fantasy cake, Uwe decided it was time for him to show Peter Jackson how it's supposed to be done. Too bad he won't be doing Hobbit, 'cause that might have been a real treat.

This is where my real admiration of Uwe Boll begins. I'm not kidding. Here you have a guy who has no talent whatsoever and still, he found a way how to make movies with big budgets. $60 million is nothing to frown upon and Boll's financing system peaked with this film. Also the list of known actors is pretty impressive- Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman. Together and in a different kind of project (a crime movie by Guy Ritchie perhaps?), these names sound pretty promising. Unsurprisingly, this blatant Lord of the Rings rip-off (suprise, surprise) doesn't offer them any platform to exercise their craft, but still- Boll's the man. I fully expect his next movie to have a budget over $100 million and star Brad Pitt.

A piece of Boll dialogue magic:
Muriella: I knew you'd come.
Gallian: I told you I would.
Muriella: I mean, I felt it. I felt it before you came.
Gallian: You are developing your powers well, Muriella. Our time together is paying off!






You know what? As I finish writing this article and as I look on these films, I really am starting to have some respect for Boll. I mean, his movies are so absurd, so dumb, so obviously copying everything that's somewhat popular that it just can't all be coincidence. I mean- watch the way he attacks the fans on YouTube. He can not be serious.

I think he just realized that he has no talent at all, so he cannot make a name for himself via quality films. So he decided to go the opposite way- he pretends he's this age's Ed Wood. Well, Ed Wood's films sucked, but they never featured well-known actors (I hope I don't anger some Bela Lugosi fans out there), while Ben Kingsley or Jason Statham are widely known. Boll probably makes a lot of money from this, plus he's able to milk his career for all it's worth because of the persona he created for himself. If he didn't do that, he'd be just another Freddy Jordan or Mike Falsefist --- i.e., a completely forgotten filmmaker that would be happy if he was hired to direct Home Alone 5: Judge Reinhold Returns. But he isn't. His films largely suck, but he has built such a reputation that his name will be etched in history. He's the one who's laughing all the way to the bank folks. And to be able to do that with absolutely no talent at all, well, that takes talent.

Uwe- you da man!

There never was a guy who deserved this more. Ever. Boll is delivering flops (box-office wise) left and right and he's doing that with a big smile on his face. He's constantly making new movies that continually cost more and more money.

They are all his vehicles and I hereby award him the title MASTER FLOPPY, because there is simply no one that can beat this man at his game.

And for those of you that don't like him, here's a message from the man himself.



You won't find a Steven Spielberg picture like this.

Keep your heads up and spend some time on the sun. It's good for you.

- Peter