Babes, Bombs, and Blockbusters Movie News Report 7.15.08

Posted by Mike Gorman on 07.15.2008

Check out this week’s 3 B’s Report for your “Brangelina twin free” Hollywood news. Well, maybe something about their dad but the bigger news this week involves a young starlet’s desire to make a naked flick and older actress’ past discretions coming back to bite her. Also this week Mike takes a look at ten films that had potential for greatness and presents Mulholland Drive’s Laura Harring in the Hot Spot.



Hard to believe but there is more out there in the Hollywood news atmosphere this week than what's been popping out between Angelina's legs. Ironically some of that news will involve the other person wearing pants in the Brangelina pairing. Don't stress out too much about the twins or you may miss the report on which big screen hottie wants to do a complete movie in the nude and which one is finally being held accountable for the tragedy she inflicted on a co-star 27 years ago. Once you stop your chuckling you can take a relaxing look at this week's Hot Shot, Laura Harring.



The G Spot
The G Spot is your place for the day's movie news with the occasional cameo from the land of television.

Keep on Rocking in the free world
Paramount studios are ready to bring back the teacher who walks to the beat of his own tricked out drum kit. Jack Black, writer Mike White, and director Richard Linklater are on board for a sequel to the hit School of Rock. This time around Black will apparently take his class on a cross country field trip to explores the roots of American music including rock ‘n roll, rap, blues, country, etc. Hopefully Black will be able to recapture the magic of the first film instead of channeling the crap pile that has been most of the recent road trip films, did anyone actually see College Road Trip?

Does anyone have Danny Devito's number?
With the second Batman film in the franchise's superhot revival primed to conquer the box office this coming weekend, talk has already begun on just who the Dark Knight might face in the third. Dark Knight writers David Goyer and Jonathan Nolan want to avoid the villains who popped up in the previous series second film, Catwoman and Penguin. In recent interviews they have stated that they would rather bring to life some of the lesser known denizens of Gotham. With all the hype surrounding the late Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker being phenomenal it would seem that Goyer and Nolan are on the right track. Focusing the next film on developing a lesser known yet vital threat to the city and Batman is a good choice in my opinion. Let Ledger's take on the Joker stand on its own for now.



Fox wants to do it completely naked
Megan Fox has stated that she would like to do an entire film in the buff. In an interview with the Daily Star she said, "I would love to do a movie naked. No one dares to make that kind of film today. They did it in the 1930s in an arty way, so why not now?" The actress believes that it could be a hit if the film is done tastefully. Let's be honest, if Megan Fox is onscreen for ninety minutes nude, I don't think that taste will have anything to do with its success. Theaters best stock up on napkins for this one… for the drool, just the drool. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Eva's got a gun… nope, a knife
Eva Mendes revealed that right after she did her well known nude scene in Training Day, she started carrying a knife to protect her from crazed fans. She tells Interview magazine, "That was my controversial stage where I'd just started acting. I went through my little Angelina Jolie phase, like I was really tough. I had just come out in Training Day and I was nude in it, so I was getting a certain kind of attention. And I did carry a little blade. My God, with obviously no intention to ever use it. I had Mace as well. But the blade sounded cooler in interviews. I was young and stupid." I was completely convinced she was temporarily insane when I heard this but damn if more actresses could go through an Angelina Jolie phase. We'd have more beauty in this world and also less parentless children. I also agree that a blade is way cooler than mace if you're fending off horny fans.



Finally someone speaks up for the tarantula
Actor Ernest Borgnine claims that Sharon Stone made the producers of their 1981 horror film Deadly Blessing remove the pincers from a tarantula before she would film a scene. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) are incensed by this long awaited accusation. Ingrid Newkirk, spokesperson for PETA told the New York Post, "She chose to make a tiny insect an amputee. Perhaps she should change her name legally to 'Heart of Stone'." Right on Ingrid! I for one am most proud of Borgnine for coming forward after what I can only assume have been years of torture hiding this information. Who knows what kind of campaign of terror Stone has been unleashing on him for decades. Good for you Ernest, good for you. My only remaining question is how can I contribute to the fund to buy tiny crutches and artificial limbs for these amputee tarantulas? There must be more of them out there living in shame.

No really, he could care less about Vivienne and Knox
Quentin Tarantino is allegedly going to visit Brad Pitt in France to convince him to take a role in his next film, Inglorious Bastards. The film is set during World War II and apparently contains a perfect role for Pitt. Though I am sure that Quentin will try to snap a few shots of the new born twins; it has been a while since he has had a hit so I am sure that he is jonesing for the reported millions being offered for the first glimpses of the wonder twins. Ok, maybe not but I am still laughing at the idea of Tarantino trying to play paparazzi with his Moto Razr.




The Trunk

Recently I have noticed myself walking out of movie theaters or switching off my DVD player with the same feeling, "Man that film was almost there… if only they had just…" These movies have potential to be great but somehow miss the mark. Blame it on hype and advertising, blame it on a trailer that gives away too much, or heck, blame it on poor directing and acting choices. We all have films that we wanted with all of our heart and soul to be amazing but somehow they just miss that peak and sometimes they veer so far off course that can't believe that the movie you started watching is the same one you are watching when the credits roll. Below I am highlighting ten films that fall into this category for me. They are not the top ten of all time that had potential but they are ten that stand out in my memory as needing a little bit more to move them up on my favorite film list. There may be some spoilers, so you're warned! Here you go, in no particular order:

10. Lady in the Water
This one had a concept that I really thought had potential. Shyamalan wanted to bring to life a bed time story he told his kids. I loved the idea of the tenants being characters in the tale, each having a purpose to discover. Sadly I think this film got wrapped up in believing it was full of high concepts. I say "believing" because I just think that a lot of the elements were muddled and poorly presented. A fan of the film told me I just didn't get it. I think instead this is a case of fans applying meaning where the films creator could not find it. If Shyamalan had just pulled himself back and looked at the film's big picture he would have seen that by simplifying some of his confusing details that the film would have had a better flow. If he had let the characters become developed more organically then the ending might not have felt so forced. I wll say that Freddie Rodriguez was once again a highlight as the mysterious tenant with one arm bulked up a lot more than the other. His character and his entrance into the actual plot at the end was very well handled and hence I was left wishing that the others could have received similar treatment.

9. Dracula 2000
If you know me, you know I like a good horror flick. I even like a mediocre horror flick. Hence I was disappointed when I saw Dracula 2000 and left the theater disappointed. This film had a strong cast for the first half seemed like it was going to be a fun romp with a basic retelling of the Dracula story. Sadly no for once we get to New Orleans we begin to learn that this version of the film posits Drac as a fully ensconced part of Christianity and the story of Jesus Christ's betrayal. That's right; we learn that Dracula is Judas and all of his weaknesses go back to the time of Christ's death, including the 30 pieces of silver. This movie lost its fun as it presented more and more flashbacks. I can see that the filmmakers wanted to provide a tangible, historical explanation for all of Drac's problems but I think it muddled the ride a horror movie fan expects from a big budget blood fest.

8. The Hulk
I want to get this one out of the way quick. I know that people have strong opinions about Ang Lee's Hulk. Yes, getting the story of Banner's father involved totally derailed this film, but there were some elements I really liked and wished could have existed in a better film. Specifically I really loved the comic book-esque framing and transitions Lee utilized at various times, like during the battle in San Francisco's hills. His broad strokes, big scenes, and the aforementioned frames gave me the real sense I was watching a comic book come to life. Sadly, it was not a very good comic book in the end.

7. Blade 3
Blade 3 is one of those movies I was excited about when I saw the first trailers. I loved the idea of bringing in Biel and Reynolds as the Nightstalkers. Here we had some comic book continuity being brought to screen with the possibility of some well done spin off films being made as Snipes was saying he was done with Blade. In actuality the only part of this film I think was really great was Ryan Reynolds interactions with Parker Posey, there was humor, chemistry albeit weird, and life in their scenes. Beyond that the film played out as a few nice moments wrapped up in a plot that felt rushed and underdeveloped. It seems that we will probably not hear from any of these characters again and maybe that is a good thing.

6. Land of the Dead
Don't get me wrong, I did actually like this film a fair amount. How could I totally dislike a zombie film made by the master, George Romero? I loved seeing the return of the slow moving zombies and I liked the idea of seeing how society might re-establish itself in the face of a zombie plague. Romero is known for his social messages lying beneath the surface of his films. My problem here is that he didn't fully integrate the message as a natural part of the story as it was in the original Night of the Living Dead or Dawn of the Dead. What he did instead was beat us over the head with from the almost animalistic slums to the shining tower of the upper class lorded over by Dennis Hopper in full over the top caricature evil villain role. The characters portrayed by Simon Baker and John Leguizamo were more well balanced. What I usually enjoy in a Romero film is the challenge in figuring out who really is the "bad guy." This is usually played out in the human choices that must be made. In this movie you know from the beginning who the real bad guy is and who we will root for throughout the piece.

5. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
This is a movie that sucked me in with the trailers and never delivered. We know from previous efforts that John C. Reilly is definitely funny and the man can sing. Apparently when you require both of him in a film it starts a chain reaction that sucks all of the fun out of a movie. I fell asleep twenty minutes and was only woken by the tears of regret shed by friends who had stayed awake to watch the whole thing.

4. The Strangers
Regular readers of this column know that I was counting the days for this film to be released after I was terrified by the marketing. As with most films that base their scares mostly on what you don't see but you anticipate this film fizzled out about halfway through for me. I jumped at a few scares but was just not convinced by the leads (Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman.) The French film, Them took the same true story and crafter a much scarier film. I highly encourage you to check it out if you were not happy with The Strangers. Them had a much more thrilling ending in my opinion, specifically with the last minute reveal of the invaders' identities.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
This is the movie that made me start to believe the saying, "You can't go home again." This long, long awaited sequel seemed poised to bring back all of the best elements of an Indy film. These include the fast paced action, Indy's mired love life, and even Harrison Ford's sarcastic Indy swagger. It succeeded on some levels. The opening scene for instance had me pumped up for what was to come. The man survived an atomic blast in a fridge! It felt like old school Indiana Jones with a nod to the advance in time. Shia LeBouf even had me convinced he could hold his own as the son of an action icon. This film is one where I can tell you the exact moment it lost me: the spaceship. Yes, I was in this one almost all the way until the end when the spaceship took flight and I felt like I had fallen for the old bait and switch. Indy was ripped away and an X-Files knockoff was left in its place. I would rather have not seen the ship at all. It could have been presented in a better manner so as not to break the moment in the film.

2. Jumper
Here's another one with a concept that seemed so cool yet just didn't translate to the big screen intact. The power to be anywhere at anytime with anyone would be everyone's dream. So why didn't it work? Three simple things, this will be my quickest review: (1) A plot that went no where, (2) Hayden Christensen was way too whiney, and (3) It doesn't end. That's right; the movie has no logical conclusion. It felt like the end of a weak TV pilot that wants you to stick around until next week for an explanation.

1. Cloverfield
This movie had one of the best viral campaigns since Blair Witch Project (which almost held this spot on my list) yet in the end it came up a bit lacking in my opinion. I am a huge fan of the first person perspective films and I even forgive all the "realistic" shaky cam work that is usually tossed in for good measure. I loved the set up of the film and even the introduction of the disaster. My only real problem with this movie is that we were eventually shown the entire creature. I would much rather have left the theater debating with my friends exactly just what was attacking the city instead of lamenting at how un-frightening the full looks at the monster were.

What I hope is clear from this list is that these are films that for the most part I did enjoy or at least I really wanted to before I saw them. I offer this as one fan's perspective and I am sure that many of you out there will have your own. I look forward to seeing what other films are out there that could've been excellent but just missed their mark.



Come Again?: Your Joke Source

She Just Couldn't Win

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

An Accidental Encounter

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."




Tuesday Hot Shot
Laura Harring is currently featured on FX's "The Shield" but she is best known for her love scene with Naomi Watts in Mulholland Drive. She is a Hot Shot worth seeing on film so check that one out when you get the chance.



The 3B's News Repot Headquarters is moving from the east to the west coast next week so watch for a special guest host!


(All information and gossip gathered from Fark.com, Aintitcoolnews.com, Hollywoodreporter.com, Hollywood.com, Reuters.com, Dirtyjokesinc.com, Variety.com, TMZ.com)