Misunderstood Masterpieces 07.22.08: Ready to Rumble

Posted by Will Helm on 07.22.2008

...or, Wrestling Has a Seedy Underbelly? You Don't Say!

Until very recently, with the rise of WWE Films, most wrestling-related movies – whether starring a wrestler or about wrestling in general – were considered box-office flops. The profits of the Kane horror vehicle See No Evil reversed that trend, even though the follow-ups – John Cena's The Marine and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's The Condemned -- didn't fare as well. Interestingly, other than a few exceptions, most wrestling movies are related to major wrestling promotions. As seen last week, the American Wrestling Association had The Wrestler and WWE Films' predecessor – the World Wrestling Federation itself – produced the awful – and, sadly, not on DVD – wrestling film No Holds Barred. However, until the dawn of WWE Films, no promotion associated itself more with films than Ted Turner's oft-maligned wrestling endeavor: World Championship Wrestling.

Originally stemming from a power play by the then-WWF's Vince McMahon, Jr., the history of World Championship Wrestling is nasty, brutish, and short. In the aftermath of Vince McMahon's attempt to get WWF programming on Ted Turner's TBS by buying out Georgia Championship Wrestling, Ted Turner and Jim Crockett Promotions' Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling combined to force out Vince McMahon and replace the much-reviled WWF programming with the newly created World Championship Wrestling, which debuted in 1985. Three years later, Ted Turner took over full control of WCW, running it as a subsidiary to his vast media empire. Though Turner's riches allowed him to put together a roster of wrestlers featuring some of the most talented of the era, the media connections also lead to lambasted – and money-wasting – mini-movies and cross-promotional tie-ins, culminating in the inexplicable appearance of RoboCop on one pay-per-view.

Eventually, the WCW hit hard times in the early '90s, as their slipshod storytelling and senseless cost-cutting – WCW made it a habit of taping television programming months in advance, despite the fact that any injury would derail those plans significantly – outweighed the product in the ring. In order to improve WCW's business outlook, Executive Vice President Eric Bischoff looked to WCW's Northern rival, the WWF, for inspiration . . . and talent. To that end, Bischoff brought in scores of established WWF superstars, but none bigger than the man who carried the "'80s Wrestling Boom" on his back: Hulk Hogan. In Hogan, WCW had a marketable name famous to fans around the world, and market him they did, allowing him time to star in films and television shows alongside his wrestling appearances. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that these side projects were any good, of course, as I can safely say that Santa with Muscles and Thunder in Paradise, among others, were pure dreck.

With these and later, WWF defectors in tow, WCW finally hit its peak, besting their Northern rival – reportedly to the brink of bankruptcy – with the ground-breaking New World Order storyline and kicking off a wrestling boom for the '90s that would later make crossover stars of WCW's Goldberg and WWF/E's "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Interestingly, though WCW would largely kick off the wrestling boom, the WWF would sustain it, as that promotion innovated brash and bold storylines coupled with a roster of talent with charisma to spare – and most weren't too shabby in the ring, either. By 2000, the WWF had once-again overtaken WCW as the premiere wrestling federation in the United States, so the then-current owners of WCW – AOL Time Warner – tapped into their vast media empire . . . to release another wrestling movie, because all past projects just did so well. This film, featuring a big budget and a handful of established actors, is 2000's Ready to Rumble. A critical and financial flop, Ready to Rumble is often considered a black eye on the face of wrestling fandom, but is it deserving of such failure? Or, could it be a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Somewhere, over bloody pictures of old-timey wrestlers – some of which may very well have been in The Wrestler, someone explains that wrestlers are the true heroes of history. There is some truth to that, of course; after all, Henry VIII was English champion in the 16th century and George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were a noted tag team. Unlike Henry VIII, however, who was finally bested by syphilis and insanity, according to the voice-over there is only one undisputed, undefeated king in the history of wrestling: some guy named Jimmy King. Of course, the veracity of all these claims is put in doubt when it is revealed that it is some guy in front of a gas station – named Sean (Scott Caan) – proselytizing the power of wrestling. Ahmet Zappa, the proprietor of the establishment, takes umbrage with Sean's hypotheses, so he shoots down Sean's arguments eloquently. Or he just throws some bikes around, which is the same thing, I suppose. Though Sean's belief system is nearly shattered, he still has faith that the King can raise the dead. And here I thought that was only the purview of the "King of Kings" . . . Triple H.

After Ahmet Zappa retires to his convenience store, Sean's seemingly brain-challenged buddy Gordie (David Arquette) enters the store and gets in an argument with Ahmet Zappa, perhaps defending Sean's theories by proxy. However, as Ahmet Zappa isn't willing to debate the subject further – or Gordie is hopped up on goofballs, Gordie imagines wrestling with Ahmet Zappa, who he throttles unmercifully until "Macho Man" Randy Savage – who was merely a cardboard cutout moments earlier – appears out of nowhere to exact REVENGE for his convenience-store working cohort. When all seems lost, Jimmy "the King" King (Oliver Platt) pops out of the ether to even the odds while HOT CHICKS dance on the counter of the store. Sadly, the interlude of grappling action turns out to be a mere dream sequence, as Gordie awakens from his trance with his finger in his anus. I don't even want to ponder the Freudian implications of what's going on there. Gordie then uses his befouled finger to threaten Ahmet Zappa, perhaps as a small measure of REVENGE for the prior altercation.

While Gordie tries to give Ahmet Zappa a Dirty Sanchez, a cop arrives outside the store to fondle Sean for no particular reason. Even more disturbingly, the cop turns out to be Gordie's dad (Richard Lineback). Between this and the earlier anal auto-violation, I think it might be time for Gordie to show someone on the doll where his daddy touched him. Gordie's dad, unsurprisingly, disapproves of his son's wrestling fascination – but apparently he has no problem with molestation. The next day, Gordie complains about his dad to Sean; sadly, he doesn't take the time to go into detail about the sick crimes perpetrated on his innocence. Sean, to his credit, cheers Gordie up by changing the subject to wrestling, which they chat about while cleaning out Port-a-Pottys. Or is it "Ports-a-Potty"? Anyway, after Sean retires to one of the freshly cleaned stalls, Gordie tries to vacuum out his friend's rectum, perhaps as a subconscious manifestation of his own violations. Sean, sadly, instead of being understanding of Gordie's psychosis, pummels his buddy, but they make up in the end.

After work, Sean and Gordie drive over to the nearest fast-food joint, where Gordie sexually harasses some drive-thru skank (Jill Ritchie, a.k.a. Kid Rock's sister). The drive-thru skank responds by hurling fries at a quite innocent Sean, but a squeaky drive-thru HOT CHICK (Melanie Deanne Moore) is on hand to soothe Sean's wounds. Later, back on the job, the guys chat with some old lady about wrestling while they suck out her septic system; perhaps all the sucking brings back long lost memories for the old lady, as she hits on the guys before they leave, because comedy writers think that sort of thing is funny. That evening, Gordie goes home to stare down the barrel of three guns, perhaps to keep him quiet about his family's dark history. His father, ever the controlling parent, also tells Gordie to be home by eleven. Though no punishment is named, it can either be a gunshot to the kneecap or some good, old-fashioned family diddling. Or both.

Finally, other than the odd cameo of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, the wrestling content – and WCW connections – kicks into full gear as Sean and Gordie arrive in Cheyenne, Wyoming, to attend WCW Monday Nitro . . . with comically bad seats. It's evident that these were starting to be lean times for WCW; after all . .. they're playing Cheyenne. While the guys keep up the WCW tradition of ignoring the opening matches in lieu of plot exposition, Billy Kidman and some little bald Latino guy defeat some other tag team. You go, little bald Latino guy, whoever you are! The WCW traditions continue further, as the "cruiserweights," as I believe they're called, are quickly ushered off to be replaced by the "Nitro Girls" . . . with special guest dancer, Rose McGowan, with whom Gordie is strangely obsessed. Maybe he's got a thing for Marilyn Manson's sloppy seconds or Robert Osbourne groupies.

While the Nitro Girls saunter on stage, behind the scenes, Joe Pantoliano – who must have owed someone a huge favor – wanders around and makes an evil deal with number-one contender "Diamond" Dallas Page. In the arena, Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay look on – but Don West is nowhere to be found; he's probably drooling lasciviously over a pile of Jordan rookie cards anyway – while the old lady, who is now "hilariously" slutted up, watches at home. Funny side note: back in the day, I never, EVER watched WCW, so whenever I saw Tony Schiavone's name in the TV listings, I always thought it was a lame Italian stereotype pronounced "Skee-a-vone" . . . and not a legitimate broadcaster named "Sha-vont-ee." My bad. Anyway, after "Diamond" Dallas Page makes his way to the ring – where "Bam Bam" Bigelow and Sid Vicious are waiting for him for reasons unexplained, Jimmy King makes his royal entrance, after which he addresses the crowd with a low-rent "Stone Cold" Steve Austin impression and then starts rapping. Oh. God. No.

Perhaps to let Jimmy know that he doesn't approve of his rappin' skillz, Joe Pantoliano gives the champ a stern talking-to before the King and DDP trade witticisms and armbars. After Jimmy argues with hapless referee Charles Robinson, just because he's the champ and that's what the champ does, DDP punches Jimmy and starts handing out a beating all around the ring. Or they're doing that "strong style" that the kids seem to like nowadays. The combatants then raise the physicality – which, I've surmised, is politically correct for "violence" – by going hardcore – in the figurative wrestling sense, not the Gordie's dad sense. Though Jimmy seems to gain the upper hand, Sid Vicious and a legion of less famous wrestlers storm the ring to beat up Jimmy and Charles Robinson, just because he was in the way. It's hard, thankless life being a hapless referee; for that, I salute you with my gratitude, Charles Robinson . . . long may you count no higher than ten. Somehow, after a convoluted series of events and much to Sean and Gordie's collective horror, DDP wins the title from Jimmy and breaks the King's undefeated streak; Joe Pantoliano, looking on in ecstasy, takes to the ring to exile Jimmy from his kingdom of WCW, for now he has been dethroned. At least he didn't do it via FedEx.

On the way home from the event, Sean and Gordie bawl over the King's loss because IT'S STILL REAL TO THEM! Ah . . . some jokes never get old. Now, how about that Teapot Dome Scandal? There's some wacky shenanigans! Sadly, the guys are too blinded by their tears to drive, so they don't notice the land mine in the middle of the road – seriously, there was an explosion under the car; I wonder why – that flips their tanker truck over, spilling fecal matter all over the highway. While the police and fire department clean up the mess, a tractor trailer with a very inattentive driver jackknifes only feet away from the accident, sending plumes of toilet paper – the tractor trailer's remarkably convenient cargo – over the scene. Either that, or Koji Kanemoto just popped up out of nowhere and the truck was just paying homage.

Sometime later, hopefully after Sean and Gordie have hosed off, the two friends have a heart-to-heart wherein Gordie reveals that he still believes in the King, but Sean's faith is shaken. Perhaps as a quest of atonement, Gordie proposes that he and Sean go on a journey to rescue the King, because it is their destiny. Sean, perhaps because now he's currently unemployed and in need of something to do, miraculously – no pun intended – goes along with Gordie's half-baked scheme. To that end, the guys hitchhike to Atlanta . . . with some nuns in a van. It's a sign! A sign from the King! Though the nuns force Gordie and Sean to sing annoying folk songs, Gordie and Sean turn the tables by introducing the nuns to their patron, St. Eddie Van Halen. Wait . . . when did this turn into Sister Act 3?

Unbelievably, Sean and Gordie – and the rocking nuns – make it from Cheyenne to Atlanta overnight, or they've been messing with the time-space continuum again. Once in Atlanta, Sean and Gordie argue about nun farts – no, really – before Gordie bonds with a local nerd (Chris "The Shermanator" Owen). Maybe Gordie wants to show the nerd what his daddy does sometimes when Gordie breaks the rules. Eerily, that may be the case, as the nerd invites Gordie over to his house so they can look up Jimmy King on the Internet . . . and then probably surf for porn together. Gordie does get what he came for – though I won't say exactly what – while Sean sings along to Britney Spears. OK then. Later that day, the guys visit Jimmy King's wife (Caroline Rea), who apparently has crabs, but is willing to share. That's awfully generous of her. Instead of taking her up on her offer, Gordie and Sean merely interrogate her about King's whereabouts, but she's got some hard feelings . . . and an inbred son (Tait Smith) to boot, so she's of no help.

Even more later, the guys somehow get over to the home of Jimmy King's parents, who petulantly argue with the guys regarding the King's official biography, which states that his parents are dead. Oh no! They're not parents . . . THEY'RE ZOMBIES! I'd warn Gordie and Sean, but I don't think they have enough brains between them to satiate the appetite of the undead. After the zombie-parents give the guys a few more leads, the nerd confirms the new information through the power of the Internets, which leads the guys to the King's mobile home. Apparently, after the King's heartbreaking loss on Nitro, he's settled into a life of drunkenness and inexplicable transvestitism. Or he just signed with the WWF and found out his character is a cross-dresser; his new gimmick: "The King of Queens." Unfortunately, the answer seems to be the former, as the King, in a stupor, threatens Gordie and Sean and hurls bottles at them in a fit of drunken rage.

After the King settles down a bit, Gordie and Sean bribe him for an audience and the King willingly takes their donation. Upon joining the King in his makeshift domicile, the King reveals that he has a bit of a grudge against Joe Pantoliano; it's probably for screwing over Neo the way he did in The Matrix. While the King revels in his misery, the guys try to cheer him up by attempting to subconsciously trigger the King's now-latent wrestling persona . . . which, if this theory holds true, means that wrestlers are actually schizophrenics as well. Interesting. To his credit, the King refuses the request, disheartening Sean; Gordie, meanwhile, keeps the faith . . . until the King reveals that wrestling's not real. Dum-dum-DUM! And Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are actually demons from Hades. Dum-dum-DUM! Of course, even though wrestling may be scripted, unemployment is all too real, and the King still wants a measure of REVENGE against Joe Pantoliano's treachery – because when I think "treachery," I think "Pantoliano." Gordie, sensing that the King has a spark of a warrior left in him, gives his mentor a pep talk and the power of wrestling compels him . . . to become totally delusional and start believing that he is, once again, his wrestling character. And he even beats up the guys to prove it.

The next day, the King returns from his psychological, alcohol-fueled exile and heads to New York to face off against the evil forces of WCW. Or he's really signing with the WWF because that "King of Queens" gimmick has money written all over it. Once again, the answer proves to be the former possibility as Gordie and Sean, taking advantage of their earlier professional experience, sneak the King into a WCW event hidden in a Port-a-Potty. Moments later, while the guys are distracted by scantily clad Nitro Girls and Rose McGowan, DDP and Joe Pantoliano strut together before Joe Pantoliano directs the show and reveals that he hates the fans . . . and the King, conveniently within earshot of a clandestine King.

The King, enraged by the dishonorable mention, pops out of the Port-a-Potty – which I'm sure is symbolic of something – to pummel DDP with a toilet seat, much to the fans' delight. Though Gordie tries to hold off Joe Pantoliano, "Bam Bam" Bigelow and some other dude intervene to break up the melee; it's all for naught, however, as, in the chaos, the King fake beats DDP in their impromptu fake match. Things take a sad turn in the aftermath, however, for, while Disco Inferno looks on, Joe Pantoliano reverses the decision because the brawl wasn't an official match . . . wait, if it wasn't an official match, that means it didn't exist. Can something that didn't exist even be reversed? That's like asking what the opposite of zero is. Anyway, Joe Pantoliano, perhaps fueled by the crowd's thirst for bloody REVENGE, makes a match between the King and DDP for one week's time . . . and Gordie agrees to it in the King's stead.

After the show, the King has a party, apparently under the Brooklyn Bridge, where some wrestlers and Rose McGowan mingle among a bunch of random folks. Though the wrestlers just want to chill, Rose McGowan has one thing on her mind: hitting on Gordie. In a remarkable turn, Rose McGowan is actually entertained by Gordie's tomfoolery and she even calls him "sweet" . . . which is just chick-talk for "lovably retarded, like a chihuahua." Things do improve, however, when Gordie and Rose McGowan bond over being from Wyoming. How sweet. I mean "lovably retarded, like a chihuahua." Sadly, Gordie kills the buzz when he has a seizure while dancing with the Nitro Girls and "Mean" Gene Okerlund ends the party by getting sloppy drunk. Oh "Mean" Gene, you cad. The King, unhappy with the scene, ends up falling into a sewer and hiding there; that is evidently one bad trip . . . no pun intended.

The next day, the guys give the King another pep talk and then they serenade him with some a cappella crooning, which they apparently learned from the farting nuns. Sometime later, the guys introduce the King to his new trainer . . . Oscar-winner Martin Landau!?! Who did Martin Landau tick off to deserve this fate? Anyway, after Martin Landau dismisses a bunch of high school kids from his training center – creepy, he stretches out the King while giving him philosophical pointers on the finer aspects of the grappling arts. The King, reacting the only way he can to the impromptu beating, boots Martin Landau in the face and, evidently, into the great beyond. Or not, as, while the King checks on Martin Landau's mortal status, Martin Landau returns from the dead – proving the King's power of resurrection – to exact his REVENGE.

That evening, Gordie visits Rose McGowan's shabby apartment, where he gives her bananas because potassium is just so hot. Or to infer some phallic implications. Or both. Over dinner, Gordie and Rose McGowan bond over the King's battle plans – hmm; I wonder if Gordie will be regretting this later – and then Rose McGowan proposes a little exhibition match with Gordie in her living room. Gordie, of course, as per his particular idiom, obliges, and then Rose McGowan moves the action into her bedroom, where Gordie beats her up. Whoa! Either she likes it rough – definitely a possibility – or that's how they do it in Gordie's family. Disturbingly, Gordie follows up his domestic violence by sending his father a postcard, where he reveals that he finally lost his virginity. Gordie's father, distraught over the fact that he no longer holds sway over Gordie's sexuality, mounts the postcard on his refrigerator and then shoots the fridge.

Later, back in New York, the guys bring the King to a nearby gym to chat with Goldberg, who, instead of humoring the King and his cohorts, talks some sense into them. The guys try to flatter Goldberg with compliments, but he's saddened by the fact the King was nothing but a fraud, so Goldberg's now a loner, a rebel. There's things about him they wouldn't understand. They couldn't understand. They shouldn't understand. Meanwhile, Sid Vicious and Perry Saturn – perhaps the strangest tag team combination since Billy Kidman and a little bald Latino guy – break into Martin Landau's apartment, but, preposterously, he outsmarts the interlopers and gives the young whippersnappers what-for. Apparently, Martin Landau doesn't take any guff, but he does prove to be vulnerable to chairs, as Sid Vicious incapacitates Martin Landau with one.

In the aftermath of the beating, the King and the guys – with Rose McGowan in tow – arrive at the hospital, where they learn that Martin Landau's condition is "alive." Well, that's good. While Sean and the King go off to see Martin Landau, Gordie discovers, through the power of eavesdropping, that Rose McGowan is nothing but an evil double agent in league with Joe Pantoliano. Dum-dum-DUM! Though there is treachery afoot, at least Martin Landau is in good spirits, as he dispenses yet more wisdom and strategerie to the King and his team. On the way out, however, the team gets a little smaller as Gordie dumps Rose McGowan because BITCHES BE CRAZY!

As well, the King and the guys leave the bad mojo of New York behind as they drive cross-country so that the King can reconcile with his wife, who agrees after kicking the King in the groin a few times. Hopefully she didn't crack the crown jewels. Later, the gang returns to Wyoming, where Gordie gets arrested – perhaps for fornication – and then lectured by his father. Apparently, according to Gordie's father, dreams are stupid and can lead to mass murder, so Gordie is forced to study for the police force . . . and prepare for the diddling of his life. Sean and the King, meanwhile, are neither appreciative nor supportive that Gordie is growing up before their eyes.

Sometime later, at Sean's behest, the King beats up a bunch of rural stereotypes at a tryout for members of his new "posse." Two yokels make the team, as well as a HOT CHICK (Julia Schultz). With the team now in place, Sean helps the King train before a local marching band gives the King and Sean a grand send-off for REVENGE. Before they head out, the drive-thru skank hits on Sean, but he spurns her for the squeaky HOT CHICK, and they get it on in the King's mobile home, in the epitome of romance. While Sean gets some, Gordie shows up to say goodbye to the King because he's not joining him on this grand quest; finally, the King and a naked Sean – weird – head off to win the day for the forces of good and Wyoming.

In Las Vegas, Joe Pantoliano gives Sting (Steve Borden) a stern talking-to as he wants Sting's full cooperation in thwarting the King's plans . . . under the threat of death. Who knew wrestling was still a shady business in 2000? Meanwhile, the King seems to be already thwarted by a bout of the squirts as he waits in the bathroom; luckily, a pimped out Sean arrives on the scene to cure the King and accompany him to the ring. Down at ringside, Joe Pantoliano introduces a disturbingly convoluted cage match, that would never, ever work in real life . . . even though WCW would go on to use it at least twice. I guess they figured they had it lying around, so why not pull it out of mothballs? After his spiel, Joe Pantoliano tags in Michael Buffer – a.k.a. "The Luckiest Dude in the World" . . . seriously, he gets paid a fortune for about two or three minutes of work – who introduces the main event's competitors and even works in the title of the movie, while totally ripping off D-Generation X as well.

When the match finally begins, the King and DDP face off strong-style once more until Sean, who must have gotten his "manager's license" the day before, handcuffs DDP to the cage! Unfortunately for the King, his advantage disappears as Juventud Guerrera storms the cage while Joe Pantoliano calls for backup. The King fights off the interlopers, until he gets sucker-punched by his own son! David Flair would be proud. Before the King can be exiled once more, Goldberg and a team of good guys rush the ring to protect their mentor, followed by Gordie on a motorcycle . . . which he drives through the cage and into the ring, running over the King's treacherous son in the process. Because vehicular manslaughter is the best finisher I can think of. Moments later, Rose McGowan shows up in the ring to try and apologize to Gordie, but she ends up getting hit in the face with a ladder, just because that's funny.

While the plot continues in the ring, the King and DDP fight and climb the cage, while Sting watches stoically from the rafters . . . and probably earns a million dollars or so in the process. Evidently, there was an action clause in the contract, as Sting then swoops to action to kick DDP off the top of the cage; Sting follows that up by beating up Sean and Gordie. SHADES OF GRAY! Once again on the top of the cage, the King and DDP slug it out, until the King finally bests DDP by slamming him to his apparent death. Lovely. No one seems to mind that a wrestler is probably dying in the ring, however, as the audience is too busy celebrating when the King grabs the title and wins the match! Yay. Meanwhile, down in the ring, the guys beat up Joe Pantoliano and throw him to the crowd, who presumably tear him to pieces. Remind me never to anger a WCW fan . . . even though they don't really exist anymore. I guess that means I have nothing to worry about. In the aftermath, while the bad guys drag off a remarkably alive DDP, Goldberg offers to team with the King, but he wants Gordie as a partner instead . . . and he even hires Sean as their manager, just because. As an addendum to the film, Goldberg beats up Ahmet Zappa and Sharmell gets a little frisky in a hot tub with Martin Landau. No, seriously.

There are some who consider Ready to Rumble an affront to wrestling fans everywhere, often with eloquent language such as "OMGZ~! HOLLYWOOD THINKS TEH WRESTLING FANS ARE TEH IDIOTS~!" To all of those "critics," I just have one thing to say: It's. Only. A. Movie. Seriously, there's no reason to get bent out of shape about Ready to Rumble. It's an utterly innocuous comedy that has no effect on anything anywhere in the world. Yes, there is a wrestling angle – thanks to WCW's involvement, but other than that, it's essentially a dime-a-dozen comedy. Though the first act establishes Gordie and Sean as dumb, once they begin training the King, that element is significantly toned down as the traditional "rescue a hero from iniquity" storyline kicks in. Are there better movies than Ready to Rumble? Certainly. But there are definitely worse movies than Ready to Rumble as well. It might not be good, it certainly isn't that bad, but it is a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as I join up with a wrestling legend to repopulate the Earth. See you then!