A Fool's Utopia 07.31.08: Fall TV Preview Part II - NBC

Posted by Ron Martin on 07.31.2008

This week in one man's utopia we look at the pain and suffering NBC will put us through in the Fall, Also, celebrity scarecrows, my new favorite TNA knockout and perhaps the scariest PSA ever to hit the airwaves. Add to that the creepiest video of 1984 and what else are you going to read?

Last week we took a look at the new fall lineup for CBS. Frankly, I wasn't that impressed. I'd like to see what NBC has in store for us. With a revamped Thursday lineup and new hit shows, NBC has been on a roll. The question is – can they keep the ball rolling. This is NBC we're talking about. If their ability to give one a preview of their upcoming shows is any indication, they are about to crash and burn. You have to search and dig for 30 second clips of upcoming shows. I'm glad NBC is so confident in their upcoming schedule.

In fact, for making me work so hard to find out so little, I'm giving NBC a pre-emptive Yooooouuu'rrree Oooouuttttt!. You'd think they'd want to actually, you know, promote the shows they thought were good enough to commit a season to.

2007 RECAP

The Journeyman

I wrote…"The acting is over the top soap opera style… how do you justify a second season?"

Reality: The show produced 13 episodes, wasn't picked up for a full season and was cancelled.

Chuck

I wrote…"Give this one a chance. It might surprise you."

Reality: Chuck enjoyed modest ratings success and was picked up for a second season.

Bionic Woman

I wrote…"You want superhero action? Watch Heroes."

Reality: After 8 episodes, the series was mercifully cancelled.

Life

I wrote…"I say took a look. Watch the first few episodes, you may be surprised."

Reality: After half a season's worth of episodes (shortened because of the writer's strike), Life was picked up for a second season.

The Singing Bee

I wrote…"Skip this addition to the already saturated reality market. Surely you have something better to do on Friday nights."

Reality: After being put on hiatus twice, Singing Bee was left off the schedule for the 2008 season.



2008 FALL PREVIEW

Knight Rider, Wednesdays, Action



Haven't we seen this before? Yeah, I know it's a sequel, not a remake. It's a guy with a talking car, isn't it? STRIKE ONE! Secondly, aren't previews supposed to be clips from the show? If your lead actor is so bad that the best clips are even terrible (acting wise), then you have problems. STRIKE TWO! Admittedly, the TV movie/pilot did good numbers, but the quality of the show was crap – just ask the critics. Most shows like this (**cough**Bionic Woman**) start off with big audiences only to see them dwindle down to nothing. STRIKE THREE! You're Ooooouuttttt!!! This thing seems thrown together banking on the action sequences and the car to sell the series. That's not going to be enough.

Kath and Kim, Thursdays, Comedy



NBC has had some success with remaking foreign comedies lately, hasn't it? The difference between this and Knight Rider is that American audiences have never seen this before. If importing comedies worked once, why not try again, right? BALL ONE. Of course, there's always the possibility that those stateside won't get Australian comedy. STRIKE ONE. So, like various English comedies, the writers will probably have to Americanize it. BALL TWO. Add in that the two leads are very talented and able to adapt to any style of comedy the writer's would want to adopt. BALL THREE. However, a lot of shows that fill in already well known celebrities seem doomed to fail (Back to You, anyone?) STRIKE TWO. The tiebreaker here is that the previews I have seen have actually been funny. Whether or not that translates to the dumbed down American audience remains to be seen. The good news is that the dumbed downed audience aren't watching the smarter than average lead-ins of 30 Rock and The Office, anyways. I'd recommend you give this a try. I still don't know if it'll catch, so get your laughs in while you can. Batter, take your base!

My Own Worst Enemy, Action/Drama, Mondays



I am a fan of minimalist marketing. I enjoy marketing that includes just showing me the corona of a ring (The Ring) or having a guy wake up with a George Michaels song in his head only to walk out into his living room to see George Michaels actually standing there performing the song making the guy pass out (Eli Stone). That's creative. With the marketing for My Own Worst Enemy, I can't tell if NBC is being minimalist or if they are just half-assing the whole thing. That's not a good thing. STRIKE ONE. They have a website for the show, but no previews. Just some split personality bullshit that gives you no insight as to whether or not you want to watch the show. STRIKE TWO. The premise here is that Christian Slater lives two lives. One, is a normal family guy kind of lifestyle while the other is a spy or something that gets into danger all the time. The kicker is that the two personalities don't know about each other. Aside from the logistical nightmare of a family not knowing where their patriarch is half the time, I just feel the whole premise falls flat. STRIKE THREE. I don't doubt that Christian Slater can pull this off, but NBC has failed to interest me in the series. Maybe it'll pick up good buzz, who knows, but if it does it will be seemingly without help from its network. Yooooouuuu'rrrreee Ouuuutt!!

Kids are starting back to school in a couple of weeks. Preseason football starts next week. NBC has very little information about its debuting falls shows. By the time NBC gets around to promoting their new shows, they'd better hope they can catch some of the leftover viewers after the other networks have already poached them.

Never got up to bat: America's Toughest Job is a competition reality show where desk jockeys compete in the toughest jobs known to man (read: all the other reality shows you've every seen)…Crusoe is an adventure series based around the novel Robinson Crusoe.

What to Watch on NBC:30 Rock, The Biggest Loser, Chuck, Deal or No Deal, Fear Itself, Heroes, Life, My Name is Earl, The Office, Saturday Night Live and the NFL Sunday Night Football Package.

Up next inning: ABC


-- Commercial Break:

THE GOOD



I love the new ad where Neil Patrick Harris tells us that we should use Old Spice because he tells us too and he used to play a doctor on TV. Not only is it funny, but it's nostalgic. On top of that, the commercial is capitalizing on NPH at just the right time when he has gained some measure of fame back for not being afraid to poke fun at himself. Me likey!

THE BAD



I can't hate an ad more than I hate this one. It just looks…wrong. The cover song is fine, I have no problems with that, but seeing these little clean cut douche models parodying one of the finest films ever made just somehow sat about as well as a Taco Bell bean burrito at midnight. I don't know what JC Penney is going for here. Are they trying to tempt the parents to shop there for their kids back to school stuff by evoking memories of an important film from their own youth? If I had kids, I'd boycott JC Penney on purpose just because of this atrocity (though I am well under the age for that demographic, mind you). Are they trying to dupe kids into shopping there by showing them scenes from a movie that was made before they were born and that they can't possibly relate to? Yeah, great idea, genius.


-- I think I've finally done it. After weeks of debating (internally of course) on who was going to be my favorite TNA Knockout, I've decided.



I came to this decision after watching the Knockout Rumble on Impact a few weeks ago. I found myself rooting for Velvet out of sheer desire to see the underdog win. She fits what I like in a female wrestler perfectly. Heel; Able to hold her own in the ring; decent on the mike….and, oh yeah, she's ain't too bad to look at neither. I thought she did great winning the Rumble and then going on to comically be defeated three times in a row by the women's champ the next week – blowing her title shot. She probably won't ever win the Knockouts title , but unless the WWE decides to ever give Victoria the megapush she rightfully deserves, my loyalties will land firmly (in the lap of?) with Velvet.

-- Here's the thing that bothers me this week. I'm not pissed about it or anything, but it makes me ponder. I've got the TV on merely as background action while working on something late at night. It's on some channel I can't remember; Discovery or A &E – probably A & E. It doesn't matter. The show is about these people who are so severely obese that they are bedridden. I'm talking like 600-1,000 lbs, here. They're talking about spending hundreds of dollars a day on food, taking in something like 30,000 calories a day (the average male needs less than a tenth of that a day). The question I am pondering the most is never answered. How in the hell do these people get the money to buy the food? They haven't left their bedroom for years, so they're not working to get money. I am sure grocery stores are not donating thousands of dollars a week of food for a hugely fat person to eat. How are they getting the money? Who is bringing them food? Whoever it is -- stop it. And that my friends is how a 1,000 lb man can lose weight. I should write a book.

-- In the category of "Best Story You Probably Haven't Heard," an English farmer found the best way to keep crows out of his veggies:



The man is obviously brilliant. He says it works better than any scarecrow he's ever had. Pigeons are scared to death of it. Frankly, I'm scared to death of it. Apparently Amy scarecrows are a growing fad amongst English farmers these days. I think I just found my Halloween costume. Personally, I would have gone with this look:



Other celebrities that should be made into scarecrows:



--Please do not get excited about t he possibilities of $3.50 gas prices. If you do, then they have already won.

-- Are you ready? You ready for 2-D animated movies? Are you ready for game shows where you can win $20,000 as the top prize? Are you ready for music on Music Television? Are you ready for RETRO?

I've come to the conclusion that the kids today are babied way too much. Just like when our parents had to walk fifteen miles to school uphill in the snow barefooted, we had it rough compared to today's kids. To channel my grumpy old man for a moment – when I was a kid they didn't have "participation trophies." If you sucked, you got nothing! The old witch was on the Snow White ride at Disneyworld and if you got scared of it – too bad! Grow a pair!

Not only were you allowed to punish your kid physically, but you could mess the kid up mentally as well. There is no way in hell this commercial would be aired today.




Anyone who tells you that commercial didn't make them brown up their underwear a little is either lying or has a computer connection so slow that they are still trying to download it while they read this. Mr. Yuk was supposed to let you, as a child, know that it just wasn't cool to handle/drink whatever Mr. Yuk was stickered on. Mission accomplished. If I had been old enough to understand anything in the 70s, not only would I have stayed away from it, but my balls would have involuntarily crawled up inside of me. I would piss myself as I sat awaiting my doom, knowing that the stickered container was going to grow teeth and bite down on my face.



If I ever have a daughter, this sticker will be permanently attached to every pair of panties that she owns.

Along the same lines, I spotted what passes for trapper keepers and lunchboxes these days while walking around a department store waiting for my oil to be changed. They're these little canvass-like material objects that zip or Velcro. The "trapper keeper" has a couple of pockets and a plastic three rings inside. The "lunchbox" has nothing but Hannah Montana on the outside. I was dismayed at what the children's life has become. You can't hurt anyone by swinging these things at their head. You can't get small pieces of your skin stuck in the binder part of the "trapper keeper." If you can't use it as a weapon, then it isn't a school supply. That's just how I feel. What's next? Nerf pencils?


CREEPIEST VIDEO OF 1984:



Yes, in a year that saw the debut of Thriller, this video gets the nod in the sheer creepiest department. Thriller is the fun, take-your-girlfriend-to-go-see, horror movie. Rockwell is just…he just messes with your head. In fact, after previewing this video for you folks, I don't know if I can sleep with my light off tonight. It gets really dark in my bedroom. Sometimes I think those little Fandango puppets are scuttling around on the floor near my bed. The record company wanted Rockwell to get over so badly that they had Michael Jackson sing backup in this song for him. Yes, Michael Jackson at the very peak of his popularity sang back up for Rockwell and nobody cared. That's how much Rockwell sucked. Of course someone it watching you, you idiot – don't you see all those bloody people in your house? Maybe if you weren't running out to meet the mailman naked all the time, people wouldn't look at you so much, you freak. Cool, pig-dog, though.

23 Years Ago Today…

July 31, 1985

#1 Song



"Everytime You Go Away" by Paul Young

#1 Album



Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears

Notables: "Shout," "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," and "Mothers Talk"

#1 Movie



National Lampoon's European Vacation

Notables: The Black Cauldron and Pee Wee's Big Adventure


I must leave you now.

I must venture out to where only the crows go, but somehow there is a mini-theme park there. For now, get off your damn couch and go and do something.