Misunderstood Masterpieces 08.05.08: S.W.A.T.

Posted by Will Helm on 08.05.2008

...or, Colin Farrell, Samuel L., and a Plot Hole You Can Drive a S.W.A.T. Truck Through

After a little more than a year, I do believe it's time to take a look at movies that have made the jump from television to the silver screen. Yes, it's time for another "thrill-ogy" of TV adaptations!

The '70s, it seems, was the golden age of cop shows. Programs such as Baretta, Kojak, McCloud – evidently, the bulk of cop shows must be titled with the lead character's last name, premiered during this decade and many were huge hits. Strangely, even though the vogue to adapt these shows to film still exists, many of them have yet to grace the big screen with their presence. Oddly enough, however, a notably short-lived cop show from the '70s has been made into a feature film: the Aaron Spelling-produced S.W.A.T. Noted for its remarkable level of violence for the time period, S.W.A.T. lasted a mere 37 episodes from February of 1975 to April of 1976. Though starring no one in particular, other than long-time character actor Steve Forrest and a very young Robert Urich, S.W.A.T.'s claim to fame largely is its theme song, which was actually a number one hit in 1976.

Probably because there would be a ready-made musical tie-in for the film waiting to go, a film version of S.W.A.T. debuted in 2003. Packed with a star-studded cast – and the Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™, S.W.A.T. was a modest hit at the box office while being damned with faint praise or even lambasted by critics. Surely the Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™ can't fail and make a film terribly average or even disappointing . . . unless the film is titled "Snakes on a Plane," of course. There must be something more to make S.W.A.T. utterly forgettable; perhaps it is, in fact, a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In Los Angeles, helicopters and pigeons fly around aimlessly. Which is pretty much the average day in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, some cops get shot while heavily armed bank robbers . . . um, rob a bank. As per their particular idiom. Evidently, this is the most average day in Los Angeles history; the only things that would make it even more average would be an earthquake and fans leaving a Dodgers game early. Moments into the siege – and because the film is titled "S.W.A.T." and not "Heavily Armed Bank Robbers," a Los Angeles Police Department Special Weapons And Tactics van – or, colloquially, LAPDSWAT . . . hmm, "lapped swat"; sounds kind of dirty – pulls up to the scene while some of their comrades rappel down from one of the many helicopters overhead.

The S.W.A.T. team on the roof surreptitiously breaks into the bank while the team outside does nothing in particular. Meanwhile, a sniper shoots one of the robbers, just because he can. While the team in the bank mumbles incoherently to each other, another robber goes down and the cops outside make a deposit to the bank: a phone. The cops outside plan some negotiations with the perps inside the bank, but petulant S.W.A.T. officer Jim Street (Colin Farrell) and his even more petulant partner, Brian Gamble (Jeremy Renner), aren't in the mood for talking . . . they're in the mood for action. Speaking of Colin Farrell and "action," here's a funny story I once heard about him: supposedly, in one of his films – I don't recall which one – he had a full-frontal nude scene, but it was edited out when test audiences claimed it was too distracting due to his size. At the time, I commented that it must have looked like a frankfurter hanging out of a Brillo pad to be "distracting" because a guy like Colin Farrell can't have a nubbin. Note: this is before his purported sex tape, which I have not seen . . . not that that's what I'd be looking at anyway. Ahem. Perverts.

Anyway, Gamble and Street, against the orders of their superior officer, move into the bank and Gamble, with Street in tow, shoots down one of the robbers, through a hostage's shoulder. Oops. Though the hostage lives – and the robbers don't, Street and Gamble – so named, I suppose, because he takes risks – get chewed out by the pretty-boy police captain (Larry Poindexter) back at the station. Though Street and Gamble's lieutenant (Reg E. Cathey) protests, the captain suspends Street and Gamble from S.W.A.T. duty in retaliation for their antics. While Gamble leaves in a huff, the captain wants to make a deal with Street because he knows Street can't live without being on S.W.A.T. and that Gamble is a reckless hothead who always got Street into trouble. Later, Street meets up with Gamble in the locker room and Gamble freaks out because he thinks that Street sold him out to the captain; Street, meanwhile, contends that Gamble is merely unappreciative of the fact that Street always covered for Gamble's antics. Gamble, overcome by reckless hotheadedness, scuffles with Street a bit and then walks off, once again, in a huff.

Six months pass and, for reasons unexplained, Street is in training for . . . something. Whatever it is, it causes him to throw up violently on the beach. Either that, or he just had a bender. Later, down at the station, Street jokes with a reluctant Mormon about his compatriot's addiction to Dr Pepper; I think the reluctant Mormon must be a microcosm for the movie as it seems the movie itself is addicted to Dr Pepper . . . or it's just egregious product placement. Street then gets to work in the weapons cage at the S.W.A.T. depot, where he takes some guff from a fellow officer with a porno mustache (Brian Van Holt). Moments later, like an angel from heaven, Sgt. "Hondo" Harrelson (Jackson) appears out of nowhere to tell Street to work on his specially modified rifle. Street, perhaps in awe of The Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™, is impressed by Harrelson's handiwork.

Of course, the reason for Harrelson's miraculous appearance isn't just to impress Street with his gunsmithing skills, but, as per the captain's orders, Harrelson is to put together his own S.W.A.T. team to improve the LAPD's standing within the city. Meanwhile, Street plays with Harrelson's gun . . . which sounds really, really dirty. Maybe that might be why Street's girlfriend is dumping him; she's not into the whole bisexual thing. Or maybe she is; she does have a tramp-stamp, after all. Either way, she dumps Street, leaving him to pursue Harrelson's love unfettered. To that end, back at the station, Street impresses Harrelson with just what he did with the sergeant's gun. Maybe to show each other their guns, Harrelson and Street go over to the gun range, where Harrelson loses a race against some S.W.A.T. guy (Josh Charles), but then bets on Street to beat the S.W.A.T. guy and wins because Street is awesome at handling guns and Harrelson knows this firsthand. No pun intended.

Sometime later, at the airport, a French guy (Olivier Martinez) has a pen knife! Dum-dum-DUM! The lazy screeners, unsurprisingly, let him go for this transgression, allowing him to team up with some Eurotrash-looking guy to do something surely nefarious. Meanwhile, at the station, Street jokes with the reluctant Mormon a little more and then Harrelson recruits Street to be his personal chauffeur for the day. So it's come to this: they're conspiring ways to be alone together. Something tells me this impending controversy may not be good for the image of the department. Nonetheless, while the French guy heads to a birthday party, Harrelson and Street bond over their mysterious pasts while driving down to stereotypical South Central Los Angeles.

Down in stereotypical South Central Los Angeles – where there's surely an aggrieved rapper on every street corner, non-aggrieved rapper Officer LL Cool J yells at a crazy Latina chick in her apartment while her stereotypical 80 kids laugh in the background. While Officer LL Cool J's partner (director Clark Johnson) gets hit with a frying pan, Officer LL Cool J runs off in chase of some guy in a Lakers jumpsuit. Look out! Kobe Bryant's on the loose! Luckily for Officer LL Cool J, Street and Harrelson pull up and Street joins in the fun of the chase, which continues through a stereotypical street parade; unfortunately for the two cops, the chase ends abruptly when Harrelson once again pops up out of nowhere to bust the fugitive. He's not a cop . . . he's a force of nature! At least Harrelson is nice enough to recruit Officer LL Cool J to his fledgling team to make up for ruining the thrill of the hunt.

Sometime later, Harrelson and Street spend a little time with a hippie vegetarian cop, who's very persnickety about . . . everything. Harrelson, not interested in having a troublemaker like that on his squad, leaves the cop on the street corner to fend for himself. Later, Harrelson and Street head over to a hospital to meet with a mysterious Officer Chris Sanchez, who's getting patched up after a bit of a brawl during an arrest. Instead of finding a stereotypically crazy Latino cop waiting for them in the emergency room, Harrelson and Street discover that Officer Sanchez is an even-more-stereotypically crazy Latina (Michelle Rodriguez). Harrelson recruits her for the team as well and then he and Street head back to headquarters, where Harrelson proposes to Street . . . that Street join the team as well. Street is reluctant because he doesn't think the captain will go for it, but Harrelson, maybe out of infatuation or even love, tells Street that it's no problem because he can live without Street . . . on his team.

That evening, at the birthday party, some guy talks about sauce and then the French guy surprises the guest of honor. Yay. Meanwhile, Harrelson meets with the pretty-boy captain, who approves Officer LL Cool J to join the team but vetoes Street because he's Street and Sanchez because she has a vagina. So does that mean that the captain is fine with what's going on between Street and Harrelson? Whether he is or not, Harrelson nonetheless makes the case for Street – I wonder why – and Sanchez, so he makes a deal with the captain. Meanwhile, at the birthday party, the French guy gives his uncle his gift: DEATH! The French guy then takes over the family business and goes for a drive for no particular reason. Remarkably, his decision to hit the road is his undoing as he gets pulled over for a busted tail light. While a midget (porn star Bridget Powers) with a camera crew yells from the curb, the cops arrest the French guy because he's French . . . or because his dead uncle is a criminal and the French guy was driving his uncle's car. But it's probably because he's French.

Sometime later, at the S.W.A.T. HQ, Street and porno mustache – who was hand-picked to be on Harrelson's team by the captain – argue about Street's ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be porno mustache's sister. Oh, that's going to be a fun working dynamic . . . and it proves true as Street and porno mustache scuffle until Sanchez shows up. At least they're gentlemen when they scuffle. Harrelson follows moments later and he tells the team what the story is with them . . . and then he puts the team in training in a musical montage! Wow; it's been so long since I've seen one of those. Thank you, S.W.A.T.! After the training, Harrelson and Street bond some more in the gym; if that's not an archetypical homoerotic fantasy, I don't know what is! Anyway, Harrelson, in a touching moment – figuratively, not literally, reveals that he trusts Street because they both hate the captain. Even though, as evident from before, the captain is cool toward vaginas.

The next day, at an airplane graveyard, Harrelson readies his team to take the captain's test and prove themselves to their colleagues. While they plan their attack against the captain's fake evil terrorists in an old, abandoned jetliner, Street devises a crafty plan to use Sanchez to outsmart the captain. After the team settles on a strategy, they go to work . . . and Sanchez hides in an elevator shaft. COURAGE! While porno mustache waits on top of the plane, the rest of the team disarm some bombs and then they bust out to fake neutralize the fake terrorists. Street even has the privilege of taking out the last fake terrorist, and, in the process, breaks the course record, much to the lieutenant's delight and the captain's chagrin.

That evening, the team goes drinking and Officer LL Cool J strips to show off his abs of steel. I guess he doesn't need a bullet-proof vest, then. Harrelson, like the force of nature that he is, breezes in moments later to give the team a stern talking-to because, technically, one of their number is fake dead due to taking a paintball to the chest during the test. I guess he's paying, then. While the team carouses, the French guy meets with his lawyer and yells at her because he really doesn't like the cuisine in American prison; I've heard it tastes like frankfurters and Brillo pads, but only in the shower. After the team leaves the bar, Street and Sanchez break off to have a little fun together and bond; I hope Harrelson doesn't get jealous! At another bar, Sanchez questions Street all about his time in S.W.A.T. – which has been only about an hour so far . . . oh wait; she means S.W.A.T., not S.W.A.T. – until Street spies Gamble – who, it's revealed, Street didn't sell out after all – playing pool. Gamble, ever forgiving, ambles over to Street and Sanchez to say "hello," but he freaks out when he discovers that Sanchez is on the team; I guess she missed the sign that said "No Girls Allowed." Sanchez, as per her even-more-stereotypically crazy Latina idiom, sasses at Gamble, which somehow causes some dude to hit on Street. I guess rumors travel quickly in police circles.

After Gamble takes his leave, Street and Sanchez exit the establishment to flirt clumsily . . . which leads to Street ending up at Sanchez's kid's birthday party. Huh? Sadly, the French guy couldn't attend this one, as he's too busy being loaded onto a prisoner-transport bus. While Street and Sanchez party together, the rest of the team chills out – complete with Harrelson golfing, which I'm sure was The Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™'s idea. Sadly, their respite is short-lived, as they get their superhero call and get to work to rescue a hostage from himself. To that end, Street utilizes a wondrous invention of his own which is all about penetration . . . like a wall dildo. The wall dildo does the trick and the team rescues and arrests the hostage at the same time. Meanwhile, some lowly sheriff discovers that the French guy is actually a world-renowned criminal; simultaneously, a squad car pulls up behind the prisoner-transport bus and, inexplicably, the driver pulls over, allowing some Eurotrash thugs to shoot him and another sheriff and free the French guy. Good work there, bus driver.

The team, still on the job thanks to the hostage situation earlier, gets called in to capture the French guy, which they do fairly easily. In the aftermath, the captain tells the press all about what went down with the prisoner-transport bus while the French guy counters by telling the press that he'll give $100 million to anyone who can bust him out. Remarkably, thanks to the press repeating the offer over and over again, quite a few gangs elect to take the French guy up on his offer. Sometime later, the Feds and the LAPD plan another prisoner transfer, this time for only the French guy and, hopefully, without a dumb bus driver. The captain, since he's a pretty-boy, wants the press involved, even though they're stoking the flames by repeating the French guy's offer. Unsurprisingly, as there's still about 45 minutes left to the film, the prisoner transfer goes awry when some sniper shoots down the helicopter sent in to pick up the French guy.

While the wreckage burns on the street, the lieutenant and the captain yell at each other and the captain tells Harrelson to do something since he seems to be the only character with half a brain. Harrelson's big plan: take the French guy to Federal prison in a very obvious convoy. OK . . . maybe he doesn't have half a brain after all. Anyway, the very conspicuous convoy heads out of the station and, along the way, skanks flash the lead van. Oh . . . so they're transferring Joe Francis as well? Anyway, after the convoy passes the hordes of skanks, they're held up by a very unassuming vagrant . . . who turns out to be a heavily armed gang member in disguise! With the convoy stopped like sitting ducks, an army of gang members attack and some even blow up a few of the trucks with bazookas. OK; seriously? Bazookas? I can't imagine any gang member thinking "Gee . . . I really need a bazooka, just in case I need to blow up a conspicuous police convoy." Only in movies. Anyway, it's too bad that the gang members did waste their bazookas on the convoy, as it turns out to be nothing more than a decoy! Haha!

While the gang members lament their misfortune, the team takes the French guy underground and they hit the road from an undisclosed location. During the drive, Street and porno mustache bond because porno mustache's sister's new boyfriend is a jerk, but Street's a good guy after all. The French guy, perhaps jealous that people aren't paying attention to him, mouths off, so Street has porno mustache bop him for his insolence. Moments later, maybe turned off by the rampant police violence he sees, the other team member – the one Street beat in a race earlier in the film – makes a heel turn and teams up with Gamble, who's on the scene to free the French guy! In the altercation, Gamble shoots porno mustache, much to the other guy's chagrin, and Street gets to watch as Gamble and the other guy escape with the French guy to the subway.

In the aftermath, the rest of the team hits the scene and Harrelson sends Sanchez and LL Cool J off to catch the train. Meanwhile, Harrelson and Street follow the train and learn from Sanchez and LL Cool J that the train never stopped at the next station. Harrelson and Street find the train and learn from the harried conductor that Gamble, the other guy, and the French guy ducked down into the sewers to escape. Ooh! The movie has a sewer level! As they are the only S.W.A.T. team willing to literally do the dirty work, the team heads into the sewers after the fugitives while the captain freaks out at headquarters. Street, since he also happens to be an ex-Navy SEAL, tracks the bad guys, who are busy arguing over the placement of a land mine. Of course, since Street has mad skillz, he finds the mine with no trouble at all.

While the team navigates the sewers, the bad guys escape to drive off to a nearby airport, or at least that's what the police think as a local airport has mysteriously fired up their lights after closing hours. While the bulk of the police force heads to the airport, the team gets stuck behind a locked gate at the end of the sewer, courtesy of the bad guys. Unsurprisingly, just like a video game, Street figures out that he needs the mine to progress from the level, so he uses it to blow the lock off the gate so the team can move on. Once out of the sewer, Harrelson calls the captain, who argues with him because he thinks Harrelson is guilty of helping the French guy. Harrelson, therefore, perhaps to prove the captain right even though he isn't, carjacks some guy. I know the technical term is "commandeers," but it's essentially the same thing.

In the carjacked car, the team follows a very conspicuous jet which isn't heading toward the airport, but is flying strangely low nonetheless. While Harrelson argues with the captain again, the team discerns that the jet is actually going to land on a bridge and fly the French guy and his rescuers to safety! The team, since they're the only police nearby, head to the bridge, where Harrelson drives through an explosion and starts ramming the plane. Wait . . . let me emphasize that: RAMMING THE PLANE! I would think, even with a door open, a Lear jet is still faster than a car; maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. Anyway, Harrelson rams the plane – sigh – repeatedly and it crashes down on the surface of the bridge. I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean that up.

After the crash, the bad guys start shooting at the team and, in the firefight, Sanchez gets hit, but she's cool because she's a woman. Meanwhile, Gamble tries to get away by rappelling to some train tracks underneath the bridge, but Street gives chase. On the bridge, LL Cool J takes out one of the bad guys and the he runs down the French guy. Down on the train tracks, Gamble stabs Street in the hand, just because, while on the bridge, the turncoat team member kills himself for Harrelson's amusement. On the tracks, Street recovers quickly to brawl with Gamble. After a few minutes of a darkened, incomprehensible fight, Street has a chance to shoot Gamble, but he elects to push his former partner under a train instead. Too bad it wasn't the bus Street didn't throw Gamble under earlier. While the rest of the police clean up the mess, the team takes the French guy to federal prison and joke about everything that happened afterward.

OK, I'll be honest: S.W.A.T. is actually a pretty good action movie. Though the amount of dark scenes is a little too much for the DVD to handle, making these scenes almost impossible to watch, the pacing, characters, and action are decent and entertaining. I just have one HUGE problem with the movie, though, and it undermines any praise I can give S.W.A.T.: why in the world did the bus driver pull over? Seriously . . . why in the world did the bus driver pull over? I will admit that these lapses of judgment need to happen to keep the plot moving, but this mental error seems far too stupid to tolerate. I would imagine that the first rule of prisoner transport is to not stop unless everything is clear. The sheriff on the bus couldn't confirm the number of the squad car behind the bus – and conspicuously so, so I would think that would activate the sheriff's Spidey sense or something. Instead, the bus driver – who's also a sheriff – pulls over and opens the door to give the assailants easy access. This is one glaring plot hole, and the worst part is that drags down a pretty decent movie otherwise. I guess S.W.A.T. should have worn a bullet-proof vest to protect from plot holes; since it didn't, it just has to be resigned to the fact that it's another Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Colin Farrell returns in another television cop-show adaptation, this one featuring less porno mustache and more fashionable stubble. See you then!