A Fool's Utopia 08.07.08: Fall TV Preview Part III: ABC

Posted by Ron Martin on 08.07.2008

This week in one man's utopia we look at the fall schedule of ABC. Also up for discussion are my views on The Dark Knight, Disney's use of the Muppets, McDonald's $1 million dollar giveaway, bemoaning the mainstreaming of Anna Farris and three reasons everyone should watch Weird Science. Even Anna Farris.

Now we are on to ABC. Last year, ABC got a pre-emptive strike (much like NBC last week) because of the inane setup of their website. This year, they have up the ante for ridiculous asshatedness. Because of the utter retardedness of the network, I can't even work in my beloved baseball analogies. Why? Because the idiots only have 2 new shows set up for the fall. I guess ABC is so happy with total mediocrity that they need to stay exactly the same. Welcome to irrelevance, ABC – you know it well. You want new shows? Talk to me.

2007 RECAP

Pushing Daisies

I wrote..."Unless the writer's screw it up royally, I can not see myself being disappointed with this show."

Reality: After only nine episodes due to the writer's strike, the show was picked up for a second season and nominated for 12 Emmys.

Miss Guided

I wrote…"Me likey. Give this show a shot."

Reality: The show was left for dead and the episodes aired without fanfare during the writer's strike. Despite good reviews, the show was cancelled after seven episodes.

Women's Murder Club

I wrote…"Then the second half of the preview happens and it becomes Sex and the City lite…ugh."

Reality: After almost canceling the show twice, only to give it another chance, the show was finally cancelled on May 12.


2008 FALL PREVIEW

Opportunity Knocks, Tuesdays, Reality



ABC has dusted off JD Roth from the mid-90s Disney Channel Disneyworld show to host Opportunity Knocks, where we make Americans even more lazy by bringing the game show to them. They don't even have to leave their neighborhood! That's right, kids. JD will knock on your door and bring a soundstage with him. If your family can answer questions about one another then you win prizes. Mom – how many girlfriends has your son had? Son – where does Sis keep her diary? The prizes aren't mentioned, though I would imagine a trip to Disneyworld is in there somewhere. It's not a bad premise and it's the kind of good wholesome fun that ABC likes, so here's my question – why the deathslot? If the show does well and has some ratings, once Idol comes on opposite it, it will destroy it. Don't believe me? Just ask Skeet Ulrich. Look for this one to do okay (but not great) until Idol mid-season.

Life on Mars, Thursdays. Drama



Life on Mars is another British show that shall be Americanized. This strategy is always very hit-or-miss. It's a cop drama – imagine that! The "hook" on this one is that it is the 10,000th cop drama in TV history. Well, it may very well be, but that's not really the hook. The hook is that this cop gets hit by a car and magically wakes up as a cop in 1973. Well, that's…..something, alright. The 70s is portrayed as an almost lawless society where the cops do whatever they want. Is that how it was? I really am too young to remember back that far. While there is a nice subplot of the main character not being used to the primitive 70s technology (in one scene he asks for DNA testing and they think he means some sort of poison), this is pretty much DOA. Cop drama – how original. TV show set in the 70s? Got our fill, thanks. News is that ABC is already fiddling with the pilot. That's almost a sure sign that this show won't be around for long.

Never got up to bat: The Goode Family is a new Mike Judge cartoon, but they have absolutely nothing promoting it. Too bad, because if it's Mike Judge, it's probably pretty good…There's a reality show they are working on that is so inane it doesn't even have a title yet. It's actually called The Untitled Ashton Kutcher/Tyra Banks Project. With those two brainiacs behind it, I am sure it will be thrilling. Haven't these two worn out their 15 minutes, yet?

What to Watch on ABC:Pushing Daisies. Yes, that really is the only show that I like on this network.

Up next inning: FOX

Less ABC, means more ranting for me!



-- I finally saw The Dark Knight. It was good. It was real good. It wasn't as extraordinarily good as everyone else would have you believe, but it was well worth my $8.50. This was the first non-Michael Keaton Batman film I've seen and honestly, if it weren't so hyped and there weren't some sort of morbid curiosity because of Heath Ledger, I probably wouldn't have seen it. I don't know much about Christian Bale and I actively avoided movies with Heath Ledger in them. I just never thought he was very good and didn't like any of the movies I saw him in. Don't get me wrong, he is the best thing in this movie (though the performance by Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent/Two-Face is a close second)…but I do have some problems with it. Realize that I'm not a big comic book reader. I have never read a Batman comic. I only know Batman from re-runs of the campy Adam West series and the first two movies, so I'm probably not the best to judge. My (minor) complaints are thus…I didn't like the fact that the Joker used only knives, guns and bombs. I know they were going for the darkness of the original comics, but to me it just seemed like the Joker could have been any thug boss in any action movie. The only thing that really set him apart was he wore makeup and funny clothes. And I am positive that's just because I am used to seeing a more campy Joker, so that's just my preference. From what I had heard going in, I was ready to compare Heath Ledger's performance to Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow. Aside from a few moments here and there where I thought Ledger captured the Joker's whimsiness, you really can't compare the two because the Joker is played too real. I thought the fight scenes were a bit tough to follow at times. Sometime I didn't know what was going on until it was over. And it was about a half hour too long. Those are my minor criticisms of an otherwise good film. For all the hype and praised heaped on this movie, you'd think it was the second coming of Star Wars. Just writing a bad review of it gets you headlines for crying out loud. Star Wars transcended the "sci-fi" genre to become one of the greatest movies ever. As did The Godfather with the "gangster" genre and Indiana Jones with the "action" genre. The Dark Knight just doesn't transcend the action genre like these other films transcend their genre. It's just an action flick – that's all. A really, really good action flick, though. If I were reviewing I'd have given it about 8.5 out of 10. It's too bad Ledger couldn't have lived long enough to enjoy the success of what would have had to have been the performance of his life.



-- I caught the Muppets/Disney special Studio DC on Sunday. I am a huge Muppets fan but color me underwhelmed. I can't blame Disney for making the show, it makes sense. Take a franchise they own and give it a little exposure while having their signature stars get a little rub from said franchise. I used to watch more Disney channel than I should have when the late night lineup consisted of Boy Meets World, So Weird, The Jersey and Even Stevens. That was awhile back, though. I didn't know any of these kids on the special (I had heard of Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale, but that's about it). Ah, it wasn't meant for me. I know that. I am just surprised that Disney has wasted away the Muppet franchise. The company who gets every ounce of profit from everything they do can't even get some nostalgia dollars off the Muppets outside of DVD releases? One attraction at the theme parks and a couple of really crappy made-for-TV movies – that's all we get?! I have heard rumors that Disney was going to try and reboot the franchise. It's not that hard. Just give them money and tell them to make a movie. Or you certainly can't do worse than the current crap on ABC, right? If you can't make money on some of the most recognizable names in history, then there are issues.


-- While we are kind of on the topic, the question I have is this – will Miley Cyrus pose in Playboy the day of her 18th birthday or will she wait until the day after. The girl can't wait to take those clothes off.

-- Here's my dilemma, I'm sitting with the 5th pick in a 14 man keeper league in our first year. I'm probably looking at some slightly better than hack running back (Stephen Jackson, Clinton Portis, Marshawn Lynch) or Tom Brady. Dilemma #2: As a Colts fan, I absolutely despise Tom Brady. I am, however, willing to put our differences aside for fantasy value. My fear, however, is that the league has figured out how to slow down Brady and his crew a bit (see: Playoffs and Super Bowl 2008) so the fantasy numbers will be solid but not enough to ignore the potential of a good if unspectacular running back in a 14-team league. If I did take Brady, at least I don't have to vulture the cesspool of waivers looking for a good matchup for a ragtag group of QBs each week like last year, when I had my only losing season ever.

-- Where the hell is Vh1's World Series of Pop Culture? With all the crap on the network now, this was the only reason I was keeping it fresh on my channel list over the summer.



-- Damnit! I always though Anna Farris would be one of those hotties that slipped through the cracks and was underappreciated by Hollywood. You know, the kind that used to grace the cover of Maxim before the magazine got fat on its own hype. I'm guessing playing the lead role in The House Bunny will take all of the fun out of being an Anna fan, especially as good as she looks in the previews. She'll now be overexposed and in the light of the millions of everyday Joes who didn't know she existed until now. I'll have to replace her in the Holy Trinity of underappreciated Hollywood actresses. I've got Parker Posey as my token brunette; Robin Tunney as my sometimes redhead (though Danielle Panabaker is trying to steal this role); and Anna Farris was my sometimes blonde. Now I have to go through the exhaustive search of finding a replacement. In the immortal words of Garth Algar, "We fear change."

-- I also fear the Red Box – much for the same reasons. I have thought about using it several times. I've even perused the movies expecting to slide my debit card in and walk out with a DVD. In the end, I chicken out. Not that I don't want to – I think it's a brilliant idea. I think that subconsciously I fear for the plight of the video rental store. I've already seen my locally owned video store morph into a combination of DVD rentals/cell phone minutes and a single man's grocery store. At least they'll always have the beaded doorway into the porn section. Not that I ever go in there – there's way too much free porn on in the internet for me to actually spend money on it, but I take solace in the face that the beaded doorway is there, all the same.


-- Remember when poker had just five cards to choose from? Remember when Coke with zero calories was called Diet Coke? Remember when you pretended to be messed up on Purple Passion? If you do, let me introduce you to my friend -- RETRO.

There's a couple of things I'd like to talk about in RETRO today. The first is a very special promotion run by McDonald's back in 1989. You see, McDonald's wanted to give away $1 million dollars. In 1989, a million bucks was a lot of money. You couldn't win a million dollars by answering questions or picking out briefcases. $20,000 maybe, but not a million. Mickey D's came up with the brilliant idea that they should turn their menu into a song. It sounds silly, but the clown ruled the world, so he could do whatever he wanted.

Everyone in America received a floppy tiny record with their Sunday paper. Okay, everyone who gets the Sunday paper received it anyways. For those who still actually owned records, you would play it and if your record was the one where "the class" could get all the way through the song without screwing up, you win a million dollars. It went something like this.



Of course the video was made sometime in the 90s or later (as evidence by the It's a Bug's Life Happy Meal box. The sound, however, is one of the records from back in the day. This was the record that every person who listened heard. I say every because no one ever claimed the million. Whether or not there was actually a record where the class gets all the way through the song is one of the world's great mysteries. This record did have the distinction of being the only record that I ever played on my crappy record/tape player combo radio that someone whom I've long forgotten gave me because they didn't want it anymore.

Presto Magix anyone?



Presto Magix were very similar to Colorforms, with one major difference. You could only use Presto Magix once. With Colorforms you could create your scene and then come back the next day and create what the scene would look like five minutes later. With Presto Magix you go a sheet of characters/items that you would transfer into the scene via a red rubbing pen. Hmmm…that sounds dirty. And that was it. The upside to Presto Magix was that you could transfer characters without body parts. You want to see a number of Gremlins eating Zach Galligan's head while his lifeless body lays just yards away? Done!




In lieu of "Most Bizarre Video of 1985" or "Breakthrough Video of 1985," I found a video I hadn't seen in so long that I almost forgot it even existed. So it is with great pleasure that I present to you…

THE SOLO EFFORT OF 1985



Notice anything…other than David Lee Roth actually has hair in the video? Between all the hot ass "California Girls" there is not one ounce of silicon (or any other "enhancing" materials) between them. Also, you could take one of their bikinis and make about six of what passes for bikinis these days. That being said, extreme close-ups with wide angled lenses will ALWAYS be funny. Ironically, all of the "tourists" are now cooler than David Lee Roth.

23 Years Ago Today

August 7, 1985

#1 Song



"Shout" by Tears for Fears

#1 Album



Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears

Notables: "Shout," "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," and "Mothers Talk"

#1 Movie



Back to the Future

Notables: Weird Science and Fright Night

THREE REASONS TO LOVE WEIRD SCIENCE




It's Alive! It's Alive!
I'll never forget the day Kelly Lebrock walked into my life wearing nothing but a half shirt over one shoulder and a pair of dark blue panties. It was not only wangerrific, but I think it jump started puberty for me. Brunette, nice luscious lips and an accent that I have no idea where it's from – these are the things self pleasuring fantasies are made of. Twenty years later she would be sweating her fat ass off on Celebrity Fit Club, but my standards were much lower by then, so it still works out.



It'll ruin Christmas.
Tell me another movie where you get to see a live action turd? Exactly. If I made a list of the top five live action turds, they would all be this guy. You know the game you play with your friends where you choose the one superpower you would have? Everybody picks x-ray vision so they can look through girl's clothing, but you have to give serious consideration to turning people into turds.



Weird Science….Weird.
I'm talking music here. I bet Oingo Boingo and Weird Science doesn't immediately pop into your head when you try and think of famous songs written for movies. Can you think of a song – or a band, for that matter – more perfectly suited for this movie. I'm going to put Weird Science on m ipod right now.

I must leave you now.

Next week, we look at FOX and what they have in store for us in the upcoming months. That's always interesting. Oh, and I would so totally get x-ray vision. I live in a college town for crying out loud!