What?!! This Column!?? 8.12.08: Issue #121

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.12.2008

Musings about "7th Heaven", and saying goodbye to Bernie Mac and the Duke of New York

What?!! This Column!?? Issue #121: Musings about "7th Heaven", and saying goodbye to Bernie Mac and the Duke of New York

This past weekend has not been a fun one in the world of movies, television, and pop culture in general. The world lost three incredibly gifted people.

First, there was Bernie Mac. Stand up comedian, sitcom star, and, via the "Ocean's" franchise, a bonafide movie star, he managed to achieve what plenty of other comedians ultimately failed at: complete and total success. He was a versatile performer, could really do anything ("Pride" is proof he could hold his own in a drama), and, despite his apparent recent threats to retire from the show business, he was really just hitting his stride. He had another TV show in development, he was making movies, and he was about to release a stand up concert film. Bernie Mac was going to explode again.

Maybe we'll get to see some form of that TV show he was working on. And I'm sure, at some point, his stand up concert movie will be released, and the "regular" movies he just completed will be out soon. We'll get to see his "final" work.

I'll always remember Mac for his performance in "Guess Who" with Ashton Kutcher. Because of Mac, Kelso actually made a good movie.

This just stinks.

But, as "Oceans" co-star Don Cheadle recently said, Mac may be gone, but heaven just got a lot funnier.



Bernie Mac: 1957-2008 RIP



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And then news broke that Isaac Hayes died. Isaac Hayes. The Duke of New York. Hammer. Truck Turner. The voice of "Chef." The man who gave the world the "Theme from Shaft."

Isaac freaking Hayes.

At this moment we don't know what he died from (it sounds like he died from a heart attack, but that hasn't been confirmed), but it doesn't really matter. He's gone. We'll never see another low voiced, cool as hell interview from the man. We'll never again get to hear him defend his controversial religious beliefs (he was a Scientologist). And the world will never see him give another kick ass concert.

I always wanted to see him, Jim Brown, and Bernie Casey do a TV show, reprising their roles from "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka." "Hammer, Slammer, and Slade." I think everyone in the world would have watched that show.

Like Bernie Mac, at least we have his vast catalogue of music, movie and television appearances. We'll always have the "Theme to Shaft," among other great bits of music, to groove to. And we'll always have him hanging out with Romero in New York Penetentiary, with Snake Plissken's Uzi, messing with the President's head.

"You're the Duke of New York, you're A number one."

Indeed.



Isaac Hayes: 1942-2008 RIP





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The world also lost super agent Bernie Brillstein. If you don't recognize the name, you'd probably recognize him from the many John Belushi documentaries he's appeared in (he did other stuff, was involved in plenty of other stuff, but that's where I recognize him from). From what I've read, he helped quite a few people in Hollywood. He'll definitely be missed.



Bernie Brillstein: 1931-2008 RIP

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A few months ago I bitched about the Hallmark Channel removing afternoon reruns of "Matlock" from the weekday schedule and replacing them with reruns of "7th Heaven," that family drama that ran seemingly forever on the old WB network. To say I was outraged at the switch would be grand understatement. Now, I didn't watch "Matlock" every day or anything like that, as my crappy paying job prevented it. But, on those rare occasions when I finished early and actually got home in time, I enjoyed watching good old Andy Griffith's scrappy defense lawyer Ben Matlock chow down on hot dogs and run rings around the prosecution's case. It was something to look forward to.

But then Hallmark made the switch to "7th Heaven." And, as I said, I was annoyed. Why did Hallmark replace Ben with this show about a Reverend and his family? I mean, yeah, the show was on for eleven seasons, but did anyone really care about this guy's family? Just what the heck made "7th Heaven" so goddamn special? I wanted my Ben freaking Matlock back.

So I no longer had a throw away occasional afternoon after work show (I stayed away from "Little House on the Prairie" reruns because that show's depressing. Well, it always depressed me, even when I was a kid). That went on for a few months. I ended up watching "Family Guy" episodes on TBS On Demand (which is no longer its own freaking On Demand station. And no more "Family Guy" episodes, either. Scumbags) and falling asleep reading the newspaper. It was all a pretty sad affair.

And then, for no reason at all (boredom didn't lead me to it), I watched half an episode of "7th Heaven." I didn't know what the hell was going on. I didn't know why everyone seemed to be in everyone else's business. And I didn't know why I recognized the mother of the family, Annie (as played by Catherine Hicks. For the record, I recognized her from "Child's Play"). And I sure as hell didn't know that Stephen Collins, who I recognized from "Brewster's Millions" and "Jumping Jack Flash," could play such a sensitive, caring human being and not have it be a grand scheme or con. I wasn't hooked on the show at that moment, but I was intrigued enough to make an effort to catch a full episode.

So I watched a full episode. Then another and another. And then another. I saw a bunch of episodes at the tail end of the show's run, when all of the Camden kids (that's the Reverend's family's name, the Camdens) are grown, and then I saw a bunch of episodes from the beginning of the show's run, when most of the kids are in school.

Then I became hooked.

And I'm still hooked.

Now, it's not a great show. It is kind of corny and has that "family issue of the week" rhythm to it, which can get kind of boring after a while. But it's never all that preachy, despite its pseudo religious underpinnings, and its reputation for being right wing and conservative is a bit overblown. Even when the parents on the show are pissed off, they rarely ever raise their voices and freak out and scream and carry on, and their "life lessons" aren't objectionable bits of dogmatic crapola (Pat Robertson may have loved the show, but he wasn't running it). And no one is perfect or an outright role model beyond reproach. Everyone on the show has flaws. What kind of "Christian" show is this?

The Camden family cast is one of the best ensemble groups I've ever seen on a television show. I think I prefer the show when Mackenzie Rosman's Ruthie and David Gallagher's Simon are little kids (one of the show's best episodes is the one where Ruthie and Simon deliver newspapers to the neighborhood. The bit where they bring the family dog Happy along with them in their red wagon is such a great, fun image), but the later episodes have just as much family chemistry as the earlier ones. Stephen Collins and Catherine Hicks are the kind of generally understanding, involved, loving parents most people would probably love to have. They somehow manage to navigate every little family emergency, keep track of every little thing their kids are involved in, and still love eachother in the end with very little arguing. And somehow it never feels forced or contrived (and for a corny family drama that's an amazing feat to pull off). They really are the Camden family.

And the show's funny. Ruthie is usually the source of most of the comedy, but dang near everyone gets into some bit of tomfoolery every now and then. And it never feels ridiculous (even the bits where Collins, caring for his pregnant with twins wife Hicks, is constantly flabergasted like all good TV dads, doesn't feel forced or contrived).

So, how did this somewhat corny family drama last for so long, eleven seasons or so? I'd assume that a large part of the show's initial audience, besides the tween kids who were excited about Jessica Biel, Beverley Mitchell, and Barry Watson engaging in situations they could relate to, was a devoutly religious one (whenever there's a show about a "good Christian" whatever, it usually garners a pretty decent rating by attracting a large, self righteous audience, kind of how right wing scumbag Cal Thomas constantly talked up "Touched by an Angel," even when the show lost most of its mojo the last three to four seasons). But, in the long run, I don't think the show's "religion" kept the audience coming back for more every week. The show probably lasted as long as it did for very simple reasons: TV viewers just liked these people. The audience "bought" the cast. The cast was fun to watch every week. That was the show's hook. And, like all pretty decent shows, it's a situation that really can't be duplicated. It was just something that happened. Remember what William Goldman said about Hollywood? Nobody knows anything (I wonder if show producer Aaron Spelling believed that, too).

So, until Hallmark replaces the show with something else in the afternoon (like "MASH" or one of those old sitcoms they recently acquired. I believe "I Love Lucy" is one of them), I'll keep watching "7th Heaven," just to see where the Camden family saga leads. Based on what I've seen so far, I'm sure it'll be a nice, funny, wholesome ride.

I still want "Matlock" back, though.

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Okay, am I the only person who, after watching an episode of "7th Heaven," can't get that freaking theme song out of his head? If you're like me, you're not sure what the lyrics of the song are besides "7th Heaven," but you hum the show's theme, breaking into chants of "7th Heaven!" every few seconds.

Oh, you know you do it. Admit it.

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Well, Chris Noth bids his final farewell to the "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" franchise this Sunday. The episode that was on last night was a bit bizarre, mostly because it felt like it was supposed to be a Vincent D'Onofrio episode (isn't he the one who usually deals with serial killers and the like?). And I'm not sure exactly what the episode preview is trying to convey. Is Noth's Mike Logan going to get done in like George Dzundza's Max did way back in the early days of the original "Law & Order"? Is he going to get shot in the back, messing around in his car in the middle of a monsoon rain storm? Or is Dick Wolf, the show's executive producer, going to allow Logan to sort of walk off into the sunset?

I hope Logan doesn't end up back in Staten Island. Not because there's anything wrong with Staten Island, it's just I don't want to see such a deliberate "full circle" situation develop. It'll be a cheap, rounding trick, and the "Criminal Intent" franchise is above that kind of thing. Well, it's supposed to be above that kind of thing.

Regardless of what ends up actually happening, you'll be missed, Mike.



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This week, the "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag of the Week" is a split decision. Up first is the "liberal" media for going completely batshit over the John Edwards sex scandal thing. Now, I know how the "liberal" media "attacked" Republican Senator and flaming homosexual Larry Craig, Republican Congressman and serial philanderer Vito "family values" Fossella, ho bag Republican Congressman David Vitter, and a whole host of other right wing politicians (I mean, those people have been completely destroyed by their indiscretions. Ha), so I understand the need to placate sacks of shit like the entire prime time line up on Fox News and the editorial board of the New York Post and the Wall Street Journal, but is John Edwards' banging his campaign's videographer two years ago really rise to the level of the lead story on the news, even on a slow news day?Maybe on "Entertainment Tonight" or some gossip show. But John Edwards' two year old sleazy acts are not political news.

Shit, if Newt fucking Gingrich can get away with divorcing his first wife while she had cancer and screw around on his second wife with a fucking intern and not be completely banished to the hell world of scumbag douchebaggery, what Edwards did isn't even a littering offense. So, please, people, gain some fucking perspective.

And second is NASCAR, for continuing to defame Mauricia Grant in regards to her $225 million sexual harassment and racial discrimination lawsuit. The stock car racing sanctioning body has launched its expected offensive against Grant, claiming that she's a lazy liar out to scam hundreds of millions of dollars from the company. At this point in time, I don't know how anyone can believe anything NASCAR says about this situation. But, hey, they're a multi billion dollar company, they have friends in high places and the best lawyers money can buy. This is what they do. I bet they claim that the racial discrimination allegations can't possibly be true because someone heard her use the "N" word one time.

Fucking douchebags.

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Well, the Indy Racing League has announced that they're moving their "cable" races to the Versus sports network, abandoning ESPN, mostly because Versus wants to pay the IRL to have their races on their network. I don't fully understand the logic behind this decade long television contract, as Versus isn't a high profile sports network. This sounds like that Fox Sports fiasco the league engaged in in the late 1990's.

The race at Kentucky Saturday night was okay. Scott Dixon is on fire and, unless he blows up during the three remaining races, he's got the championship locked up. Helio Castroneves can't catch a break (his head engineer, Tim Cindric, needs to figure out how to calculate gas mileage like his boss, Roger Penske). Sarah Fisher had a good run, finishing in the top 20 (and she was running at the end of the race). Hope she does even better at Chicago.

And kudos to Marcos Ambrose for clinching his first Nationwide Series race at Watkins Glen on Saturday, and finishing third during the Cup race on Sunday. He put on quite a show (his dueling with Juan Pablo Montoya was great stuff). Kyle Busch is unbeatable right now. If he doesn't screw up he'll be champion at the end of the Chase.

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Once again,still no real new news on the "Jericho" front, although there's supposedly something big coming soon. I have no idea what that's going to be exactly, so that's a good incentive to check out the following websites for all kinds of up-to-date "Jericho" information:

http://www.jerichoseries.com

http://www.jerichooncbs.tumblr.com/

http://www.jerichorallypoint.com

http://www.radiofreejericho.com

http://www.jericholives.com

http://www.jerichowiki.cbs.com/

http://www.jerichonet2.com/

http://www.jerichorangers4ourtroops.com/

And don't forget to go here to order the second season DVD, which came out a few weeks ago. And you can go here to get the first season, and, if you've got deep pockets you can go here to get the complete series, both seasons one and two, in one set. The more we buy, the more they'll listen and pay attention.

Long live "Jericho"!

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Well, I think that'll be it for this issue. Don't forget to check out the 411mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen. And please give my other column here at the movies zone a chance, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

"Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."

Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)

Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)

Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!"

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer sucks.

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