The Gilroy 08.20.08: Those Guys Named Jack and John

Posted by Ben Quick on 08.20.2008

Where do they come from?

Have you ever noticed that, quite frequently, if you have an over the top action hero his name happens to be Jack or John? It just works better. Who could imagine seeing an angry police chief yelling at his maverick young detective, "If you break one more rule I'll have you're badge, Sheldon!" It just doesn't work!

Note: For further reference on the failings of the name Sheldon I refer you to Billy Crystal and When Harry Met Sally.

Anyway, you guys have no idea how funny I think this is. I've literally drove friends to homicidal rage by saying "Damn it, Jack!" in my best South Park, overly dramatic voice a million times. I had originally planned to write a column about a few too macho and over the top characters from the Jack and John universe with discussing why they were, in fact, too macho and over the top. Then, I thought that was kind of boring, so I thought it would be fun to see what an internet profile might look like from a few of these guys. So, in my best juvenile attempts, here's what that might look like:



Jack Bauer

Job Title: Terrorism's Worst Enemy
Hobbies: In my time off I'm actually a big fan of Kate Hudson movies.
Personal Life: Not Much... Everyone I love either goes crazy or gets killed.
Favorite Quote: "I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life." I also like to use "Damn it!" a lot.

Comments: I get no respect! Every time I go to work everyone thinks I don't know what I'm talking about. Even though I've prevented presidential candidates from being assassinated, kept the city of Los Angeles from being destroyed by a nuclear bomb(twice, I might add!) and have exposed mass corruption in the US Government, everyone always doubts me. I guess they all seem to forget that I've saved all of their lives at least twice in the last decade. Then again, my shrink says that it has a lot to do with the fact that everyone I know dies in some horrible terrorist attack...



John McClane

Job Title: Cop(in between suspensions)
Hobbies: Smoking, Drinking, Hangovers and Captain Kangaroo
Personal Life: My wife hates me. My daughter hates me. The only friend I've ever had was a guy addicted to Twinkies.
Favorite Quote: While I do say "Yippie-kay-yay, motherf@@ker!" a lot, my personal motto is "Wrong guy, wrong place and at the wrong time"

Comments: You know your life has gone to hell when your wife hates you, your kids don't want anything to do with you and you've lost count of all the people you've killed.



Jack Traven

Job Title: SWAT Dude
Hobbies: Hanging out at coffee shops, getting drunk and discussing hypothetical terrorist situations with my friends.
Personal Life: I had a girlfriend once, but she dumped me for a guy that is exactly like me. I still don't know what that's about...
Favorite Quote: "Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?" - No, seriously, what do you do?

Comments: You're the expert. I just work here!



John Creasy

Job Title: Job?
Hobbies: Reading The Bible, thinking of all the people I've killed and feeding my parrot.
Personal Life: I sit around and try not to shoot myself. I guess I'm not the social type.
Favorite Quote: "Revenge is a meal best served cold."

Comments: I don't really know what to say. Most of the day I spend looking after a spoiled little rich girl. I'm pretty sure her mom is hot for me. I can't say that I blame her. Her weak-ass husband looks like a Ricky Martin wannabe. Oh well, it's not like I have anything to better to do. All I do is kill people. Well, I guess that's something!



Jack Slater

Job Title: Movie Character/World's Biggest Badass
Hobbies: I spend most of my time fighting bad guys at work. I tend to do that in my time off too.
Personal Life: I have a daughter that's really hot. It seems kind of awkward, but I've noticed.
Favorite Quote: The next person that says "I'll be back" gets kicked in the balls! I'm not kidding.

Comments: The only real life person I know is a kid that's destined to end up working at Wal-Mart. People never stop trying to kill me. I went to Taco Bell at two in the morning the other day and had to stop a hostage situation. It never ends. Oh well, at least I have enough tight jeans, red t-shirts and leather jackets stored up so that I always look pimp no matter what the criminal or crisis.



John Rambo

Job Title: Snake Catcher/Missionary Savior
Hobbies: I dabble in pacifism. Sometimes...
Personal Life: I almost scored once, but then the Vietnamese army killed her. She gave me a necklace, but I'm pretty sure I gave that to this kid that may or may not have grown up to be Osama Bin Laden. I don't tell a lot of people that.
Favorite Quote: "Live for nothing, or die for something."

Comments: I just want to state that I think the Vietnam War was a big mistake. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Thanks to the aforementioned war I am a disrespected war veteran who, let's face it, is probably clinically insane.

_______________________

I may give the Jacks and Johns of the action flick world a lot of grief, but I can't imagine that world without them. Without a Jack Bauer or a John McClane who would we cheer? Would we be relegated to characters with names like Ducky and Turtle? If there actually is alternate universes that one must seriously suck!

Until next week...