Misunderstood Masterpieces 8.19.08: Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Posted by Will Helm on 08.19.2008

...or, If They're Angels, Why Does Watching This Feel Like Hell?

Alright, I know this one isn't REALLY based on a cop show, but bear with me.

Back in 1976, uber-producer Aaron Spelling decided that there weren't enough shows with HOT CHICKS solving crimes on television, so he created a program to fill that void. Featuring the acting talents – and related assets – of sex symbols Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett, and Kate Jackson, the show that would be known as Charlie's Angels became a television phenomenon, mixing traditional crime-show clichés with tongue-in-cheek humor and sex appeal. For most of its five-year run on ABC, Charlie's Angels was a hit, but, shockingly, no one ever bothered to cash in on its appeal for a big screen version at the time.

Nineteen years later, however, a big screen version was developed by a very unlikely individual: Drew Barrymore. A scion of the legendary Barrymore family, Drew, who apparently is also a fan of the original series, worked to put together a viable film version of Charlie's Angels, this time featuring modern-day HOT CHICKS in place of the original trio or subsequent Angels. Barrymore's choices were quite inspired for the time: herself, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu. The combined star power of those three HOT CHICKS, in addition to Bill Murray and Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Famer Tim Curry, made Charlie's Angels into a hit . . . and, admittedly, a bit of a guilty pleasure. It's honestly pretty entertaining . . . not that I would ever say anything like that. Nope.

Unsurprisingly, the success of Charlie's Angels meant that a sequel was a necessity, so, in 2003, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle exploded into theaters. Well, maybe not "exploded." Perhaps more of a dull thud. While the first film was fresh and new to audiences, the second film would not be as well-received and finished its theatrical run in the red, perhaps due in part to some very negative critical responses as well as the loss of Bill Murray – supposedly due to an on-set argument with Lucy Liu during filming of the first movie . . . although probably more the former than the latter, however. Then again, there could be something more to it . . . something more inauspicious. Perhaps Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle isn't just an ill-regarded sequel, it may very well be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

In that legendary homeland of HOT CHICKS, Mongolia, a guy throws an ax for no particular reason, probably just to illustrate that Mongolia is still stuck on primitive weapons and not part of the modern age quite yet, which I believe is a cruel stereotype. I feel ya, Mongolia. Meanwhile, a box is delivered to a tavern and, remarkably, HOT CHICK and Charlie's Angel Alex Munday (Liu) is inside. And here I thought only lesbians were the only women interested in being inside boxes. And Katy Perry. Meanwhile, upstairs at the Mongolian tavern, Alex's fellow Angel and HOT CHICK Dylan Sanders (Barrymore) does shots with giant Mongol, just to prove her manhood . . . or something like that.

After the drinking contest concludes, the requisite third Angel shows up and it's Natalie Cook (Diaz), dressed as a Swedish HOT CHICK, who enthusiastically rides a buffalo. While the largely male crowd is in awe at Natalie's buffalo-riding prowess, Dylan tries to lift a drunk fat guy off of the trapdoor to the basement, but she can't because HOT CHICKS are weak. Meanwhile, in the basement, Alex rescues a captive T-1000 (Robert Patrick) and, through a convoluted series of events, they avoid being crushed by the aforementioned drunk fat guy and escape the basement . . . only to be discovered by the horde of horny Mongols. Rape party!

Before the Mongols can learn what the words "gang bang" mean, the Angels defend themselves with Matrix-inspired moves and then scream, because that's just plain scary. Their screams disperse the crowd, until some guy who must be deaf shows up to shoot at them with his remarkably big guns. The Angels, having no recourse and not wanting to be shot up by a deaf guy, jump out a window with T-1000 in tow; I'm sure he'll be fine, though . . . he's made of mercury. The Angels and T-1000 hijack a truck and drive it off a dam as stuff blows up around them. All is not lost as the Angels plummet to their impending demise, however, as they violate every law of physics known to man and catch a helicopter is mid-fall. No, really.

While the Angels fly to safety, the evil Mongolian calls a guy with no shirt, who takes a message for a mysterious crime lord. Dum-dum-DUM! Moments later, the opening credits helpfully provide exposition regarding the identities of the three Angels. Apparently, according to the credits, Alex is good at everything, Dylan is white trash, and Natalie is kind of dumb. Good to know. Rather than stay with the Angels, the scene quickly shifts to some guy with a briefcase getting on a plane . . . and looking uncannily like Bruce Willis. Oh, wait, it IS special guest star Bruce Willis, who is paranoid for some reason and then murdered for some other reason. Thanks for showing up for the shoot, Mr. Willis!

While special guest star Bruce Willis bleeds silently, Natalie dances to MC Hammer and then Alex and Dylan join in for no particular reason other than it's surely hilarious. Note: that was sarcasm in that last sentence there. After the impromptu dance number, the Angels chill out on a couch until their fun is rudely interrupted by special guest star – and returning character from the first film – Luke Wilson. Hopefully he fares better than Bruce Willis. While Natalie and Luke Wilson rejoice over getting mail at their new house, Dylan and Alex chat about them outside and gawk at hunky neighbors until Alex "accidentally" beats up special guest star – and fellow returning character – Matt LeBlanc. Concussion, how you doin'? Of course, he gets retribution moments later when he callously makes Alex carry a giant television while he chats with Luke Wilson, probably about what it's like being a special guest star in a film where they're subordinate to HOT CHICKS. Unless they're both submissives and don't mind so much.

Back at Angels' headquarters, the Angels meet with Charlie's faithful henchman Boseley, who has somehow transformed from Bill Murray to the late, great Bernie Mac. I guess there is some sort of resemblance; the audience surely won't notice the switch, just like Folger's Crystals. Anyway, after Boseley electrocutes himself and then yells at the Angels for spending money, Charlie (John Forsythe) calls and provides exposition about a new mission the Angels are to undertake. In addition, FBI agent Robert Forrester calls as well to provide even more exposition and explain that special guest star Bruce Willis is indeed dead and some titanium rings that belong to the Department of Justice are missing and Robert Forrester needs them back. Charlie, since he's the pimp of private investigations, tells the Angels to get to work; meanwhile, he'll chill on the beach with some margaritas and barely legal HOT CHICKS . . . presumably.

Once again on the job, the Angels pretend to be a team of forensic investigators and entertain themselves by making Boseley dress up like a coroner; it must be some sort of rookie hazing. Anyway, the Angels, in disguise, visit a nondescript house to investigate the death of Eric Bogosian. Hmm . . . Eric Bogosian and Bruce Willis in the same film? This is almost like a reunion of the cast of Beavis and Butt-Head Do America. Now if Demi Moore shows up, I'll know that's for certain. Somehow, the Angels discern, with little to no help from Boseley and interference from fake Owen Wilson (other Wilson brother Andrew), that Eric Bogosian was murdered by a limping surfer. Well, that was my first thought too.

Back at Alex's house, which she evidently bought from porn mogul Jacky Trehorn, special guest star John Cleese shows up for a visit, because he just happens to be Alex's father. Umm . . . yeah. It doesn't make sense to me either, but I'll go with it. After Alex introduces Dylan and Natalie to her "father," the Angels head to the beach, where they torture Boseley by forcing him to stand around in a wet suit. Note to self: Do not ever reply to Charles Townsend's classified ads. While Dylan and Alex pose as hot-dog girls, Natalie surfs and then serendipitously runs into former Angel Madison Lee (Demi Moore, who proves my earlier theory correct).

Anyway, while Madison and Natalie bond . . . or Madison hits on Natalie – I'm not sure which, Dylan and Alex spy their suspect and then gossip while Madison drives off. Somehow, the presence of an ex-Angel causes Dylan to fantasize about prospective Angels, specifically special guest stars Eve and the Olsen twins. Boseley interrupts the fantasy sequence by complaining about his testicles, which snaps the Angels into action, wherein Natalie hits on the limping surfer while Alex and Dylan steal his stuff.

After the Angels go through the limping surfer's personal effects, they figure out that his next hit is at a random motocross event in the middle of nowhere. The Angels, who evidently have no concept of "blending in," dress all "Mad Max" for the occasion and then Natalie chats with special guest star Pink while Alex ignores some guy that I probably should know if I knew anything – or cared at all – about motocross. While the racers prepare for their big event, Dylan quizzes Natalie all about her relationship with Luke Wilson, which makes Natalie freak out because she thinks he's going to ask her to marry him. Apparently, Luke Wilson's got a thing for butterfaces.

Before Natalie can calm down, the limping surfer shows up on a dirt bike and the Angels swoop to action while a techno-fueled motocross race breaks out around them. While Dylan and Alex watch in the periphery, Natalie trails the limping surfer while stuff blows up around them because, according to special guest star Pink, "there are no rules." So, hypothetically, someone could use a car or a jet during the race, because "there are no rules." Or just run straight from the starting line to the finish line and proclaim themselves the winner. Anyway, all the Angels combine forces to chase the limping surfer, who's trying to kill some other racer; before the limping surfer can finish his job, Racer-X shows up out of nowhere to kill the limping surfer . . . and it's George McFly (Crispin Glover)! That race was his density.

After the race, the Angels survey the damage and the now-deceased limping surfer's quarry joins them . . . and reveals himself to be a very adolescent Shia LaBeouf! I guess he's not so tough without his transforming robots around so he needs HOT CHICKS to protect him. Hehe . . . pussy. Conveniently, the limping surfer has incriminating photos of all his targets on hand, and the Angels discover, much to their shock and alarm, that Dylan is one of them . . . and "Dylan Sanders" isn't her real name, but an alias for some goofy name that I don't feel like looking up but Dylan's fellow Angels mock heartlessly. HOT CHICKS can be so rude sometimes, but Boseley, ever the voice of reason, steps up to tell everyone to chill.

While Boseley tries to keep calm, Dylan reveals her personal history, wherein she has a flashback where some guy with a mullet (Justin Theroux) kills some other guy and then Dylan confesses that she testified against the guy with the mullet . . . who just happens to be in the Irish mob. Thankfully, he's not Colin Farrell, so the star of the past two Misunderstood Masterpieces gets a free pass this week. Anyway, what Dylan doesn't know is that Charlie has replaced her coffee with freeze-dried Folger's Crystals – come on; the joke's so nice, I used it twice – and the Irish guy – now sans mullet – is free and out for REVENGE! Dum-dum-DUM!

Back at headquarters, Charlie tells the Angels to keep an eye on Shia LaBeouf, mainly because some skinny chick with bad tattoos might come looking for him. Boseley, maybe interested in meeting up with a skinny chick with bad tattoos, volunteers to care for Shia LaBeouf, so Boseley takes his charge to South Central Los Angeles and hilarity ensues as Boseley goes home and is revealed to actually be named "Boseley." And here I thought it was a codename, like "M" or "Q."

Meanwhile, just because it's funny, the Angels dress as nuns and visit an orphanage to investigate the origins of George McFly; I guess they couldn't afford the trip to Hill Valley. Anyway, special guest star Mother Superior Carrie Fisher explains that George McFly is actually a freaky Romanian mute who likes hair and donating money to the orphanage. So he's an assassin with a heart of gold? How post-modern! Anyway, after special guest star Carrie Fisher provides this relatively unimportant tidbit, Natalie studies some bird poop. OK then.

At Alex's house, Matt LeBlanc rocks out, much to John Cleese's chagrin. Matt LeBlanc, sensing John Cleese's incredulity, attempts to bond with his beloved's father by telling John Cleese all about Alex's real job . . . which sounds remarkably like she's a hooker. Oops. Elsewhere, at some docks, the Angels weld and spy on the Irish mob; back at headquarters, Boseley does their homework for them. That night, on the docks as well, the Angels pose as strippers, but only Natalie goes nude, which allows Alex the opportunity to whip some guy in the audience so that Dylan can give him a lapdance and steal his keys in the process.

After the raunchy performance, Boseley drives a forklift and pretends to be Irish, which piques the curiosity of a very suspicious Irish mobster. Boseley, since he's fueled by Black Irish Power, thwarts the Irish mobster with witty banter, allowing the Angels to sneak inside a ship disguised as a frieze. Or a bas relief. I don't remember enough art history to discern which it is . . . but they are apparently naked inside. Anyway, after the Angels promptly get dressed, they blow stuff up and break into a cage, where they pour champagne on some rings to find the Department of Justice's missing items among them.

Before the Angels have a chance to celebrate with the rest of the champagne, the crazy Irish guy rudely interrupts the proceedings and he's not in a good mood. While he wants the rings back as well as some REVENGE, Alex quickly acts to turn out the lights, allowing the Angels the chance to gain an advantageous tactical position on the pack of Irish mob henchmen. Of course, a brawl breaks out anyway, which the Angels escape by flying out of the roof and setting the docks on fire. The crazy Irish guy, disturbingly, isn't bothered by the flames, as he strides through them to threaten Dylan before she escapes to a boat with the rest of the Angels below.

At the Boseley residence, Boseley and his family play Clue with Shia LaBeouf. It's a good thing that they didn't play Monopoly, though, otherwise Shia LaBeouf might think the little car turns into a robot. Meanwhile, Natalie and Luke Wilson go to Luke Wilson's high school reunion while Matt LeBlanc and John Cleese bond over tales of Alex's profession. Back at the reunion, Natalie sneaks into the men's bathroom, where she overhears a conversation that may or may not be about her and Luke Wilson . . . and a possible marriage proposal. After her bathroom break ends, Natalie tries to ask Luke Wilson about his intentions, but a dance number breaks out instead. Wait . . . I thought this was a high school reunion, not High School Musical.

Back at headquarters, Dylan mopes and walks out, which Boseley and the other Angels discover the next day, much to their surprise. Before the Angels have time to mourn, Charlie calls with information on the crazy Irish guy and then T-1000 shows up to pick up the rings and, serendipitously, reveal himself to be EVIL! The Angels, ever observant, are on to him, so Charlie approves of looking further into the case and the Angels get to work. Therefore, on the road, hilariously bobble-headed Alex – I guess there was a little bit of a problem with the special effects because Lucy Liu's head is disproportionately HUGE in this scene – uses a street luge to follow T-1000 and listen in on his phone conversations, wherein he calls a bunch of accomplices and sets up a deal for later that evening. After Alex learns all the crucial information she needs, Boseley steps in front of T-1000's car, allowing Alex and Natalie to drive off and thwart T-1000.

Meanwhile, in Mexico, Dylan goes to a bar and meets with special guest star Jaclyn Smith, who is lit as though she is from Heaven. Then again, she is an Angel, after all. Anyway, Jaclyn Smith talks some sense into Dylan – but, alas, she doesn't provide any haircare tips – and disappears, causing Dylan to beat up a drunkard. Back in Los Angeles, T-1000 goes to the Griffith Observatory, where Alex and Natalie watch as an unseen assailant shoots him off the roof. Luckily for him, it isn't into a pool of molten steel, so he should be OK.

Moments later, Natalie and Alex discover, much to their surprise, that the unseen assailant is Madison Lee! Dum-dum-DUM! Well, I guess there had to be some justification for Demi Moore showing up earlier in the film. Anyway, Madison corners Alex and Natalie and then she pummels a CGI Dylan as well before giving them all a stern talking-to. Dylan, since she's all idealistic, whines about Madison betraying Charlie, so Madison shoots the Angels, probably to shut them up.

Back at headquarters, a triumphant Madison chats with Charlie, who lets her know that he's not happy with her actions and lectures her for being a selfish bitch. Or words to that effect. Madison, probably still fueled by her success, trades witty banter with Charlie, who responds by pretending that she's Darth Vader; Madison, discontent with that allusion, shoots Charlie . . . symbolically, as it's just his intercom that gets destroyed.

At the observatory, the Angels wake up from being dead and Natalie has an epiphany as to Madison's next move . . . just as their car explodes. Oops. I guess Natalie didn't see that coming, ironically enough. That evening, Boseley and Shia LaBeouf go to Matt LeBlanc's movie premiere while a bunch of gangs go on a scavenger hunt for Madison's amusement. Conveniently, all of the gangs end up at a hotel – across from Matt LeBlanc's premiere, which George McFly attends incognito – where the FBI shows up to arrest them.

Meanwhile, on a nearby rooftop, Madison watches as her plan crumbles now that the FBI is involved and then, just to add to the failure, the Angels show up to confront their nemesis. Natalie and Madison end up fighting, but, just so that Alex and Natalie aren't bored, the Irish mob and George McFly show up on the scene as well. In the midst of the melee, George McFly kicks the crazy Irish guy off the roof of the building and then he makes out with Dylan, who actually kind of likes it. Maybe it's the taste of his cherry Chapstick. Or not, as the crazy Irish guy returns out of nowhere to kill George McFly, much to an infatuated Dylan's dismay. Dylan, in turn, knocks the crazy Irish guy back off the roof and, this time, she drops a giant "E" on him for good measure. Death by Seacrest!

Now outnumbered, Madison, like the witch she is, flies away while the Angels give chase by swinging on strings of lights. No, really. Meanwhile, Boseley plays bomb baseball at the premiere, rescuing all the moviegoers . . . but sadly not from Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Eventually, Madison and the Angels end up in a car together, where Natalie and Madison fight while Alex and Dylan are thrown off at high speed to apparently die. I guess the third film can be titled Charlie's Angel. Madison and Natalie, meanwhile, crash into a theater, but end up remarkably alive and ready for another fight. Before the fisticuffs can begin, Alex and Dylan return from the dead to help beat up Madison and incinerate her by kicking her through the theater's stage. After the fight, the Angels get a makeover – where, in the process, all their wounds heal instantaneously – and attend Matt LeBlanc's movie premiere, where they celebrate with Boseley, Shia LaBeouf, and John Cleese until Alex "accidentally" beats up Matt LeBlanc again and Natalie and Luke Wilson get a dog. Yup.

Umm. Yeah. That's all I have to say about Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. OK, there might be a little more than that. Though the first Charlie's Angels was fun and entertaining, it's successor suffers from being dull, meandering, and largely pointless. For most of the film, it seems as if the reason for its existence is just as an excuse for director McG to show off his crazy music-video skills and invite his friends to be in the movie, hence the preponderance of "special guest stars." None of the guest stars, except perhaps for Jaclyn Smith, provide anything for the plot; they just appear because they're famous. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle suffers the fate of being all style and no substance . . . and it's not even a good style. For that, it can be nothing more than a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week when I bring the first in a tril . . . ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?! See you then.