Misunderstood Masterpieces 08.26.08: Necessary Roughness

Posted by Will Helm on 08.26.2008

...or, Sucks to Be You, Kansas!

As the weather – slowly – cools and the leaves – even more slowly – change from green to varied autumnal hues, one sport overtakes the United States and overwhelms the citizenry with its passion: football. Originally based on an early form of English rugby, American football – which is slightly different from Canadian football and radically unlike football anywhere else in the world – developed on the college campuses of the Northeast United States, though this nascent form of football was largely decried and even banned for its violent style.

It wasn't until 1869 that the officially recognized "first" football game was played between Princeton and Rutgers in New Jersey. Though this sport was largely unlike modern football, the seeds were sown for actual, organized play, which would come into vogue thanks to Harvard popularizing a cross between rugby and soccer that would eventually – with a little help from Walter Camp's innovations and Theodore Roosevelt indirectly influencing the creation of the forward pass – morph into the game of football played on gridirons around the world . . . except in Canada. Their version is just kind of weird.

As is evident from this cursory history of American football, the game spread via colleges, rather than through the birth of a professional league. While, oddly, not as popular as the professional game in its birthplace of the Northeast, college football remains a Saturday tradition throughout the Midwest, West Coast, and – most significantly – the American South and Southwest. In fact, though football was "born" in the Northeast, few, if any, football movies are set in this locale, instead residing in the more hospitable climes mentioned earlier. Knute Rockne: All American and Rudy focused on Notre Dame in Indiana. The Waterboy was set at a fictional college in Louisiana. In fact, only the upcoming film The Express violates this trend, as it is set at New York's Syracuse University . . . and I don't want to get into a debate on whether West Virginia is Northeast, South, or Midwest, so I'm ignoring We Are Marshall.

Anyway, though few college-football films are set there, one state is generally regarded as one of the greatest – if not the greatest – hotbed of amateur football: Texas. Home of a seemingly never-ending amount of college programs – and even more high school teams, amateur football is akin to a religion in Texas. One of the few films to tap into this hearty football tradition is Friday Night Lights . . . but that's actually 1) good and 2) about high school football. Meanwhile, hiding in the background, is a film from the early '90s actually about college football in Texas . . . and it's a wacky comedy as well. The film is Necessary Roughness and, as most wacky early '90s comedies are, it could be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out . . . ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!

Over the great plains of somewhere – which can only be in America, as we've got the Greatest Plains . . . take that, Serengeti, a tractor bounces around. Feel the excitement of farming! The 4H would be proud. Anyway, at the helm of the tractor is the one and only captain of the Enterprise, Sam Beckett (Scott Bakula). This time, however, he isn't accompanied by Dean Stockwell or armed with a phaser; he's just got some footballs, which he uses to dramatically destroy a scarecrow in the middle of a fallow field . . . over and over and over again. That scarecrow must have ticked off Sam Beckett something fierce to warrant that punishment.

Meanwhile, some version of SportsCenter reports that some college is in trouble with NCAA rules violations. Well, that's more than a little vague, because it seems that most colleges are, at one time or another, in trouble with NCAA rules violations, and usually because the third-string free safety called his mom one night from the coach's cell phone. Damned third-string free safeties. While Chris Berman interviews noted football coach Hector Elizando about the situation, one-time presidential candidate Fred Thompson watches from the periphery. After the interview, Fred Thompson gets to pretend he's the president – even though he is, ironically enough, playing the president of the disgraced university – and he tries to recruit Hector Elizando for his cabinet . . . I mean "as football coach."

Eventually, after some consternation, Hector Elizando takes the job, because when Fred Thompson calls, you listen. Later, Hector Elizando tours the football stadium of the college in question, Texas State University – which didn't exist back then, but does now, and gets screamed at by Robert Loggia. Perhaps it's about orange juice or something like that. Anyway, it seems Robert Loggia was also recruited by Fred Thompson and he's just a little cranky because he's off the sauce, or he didn't get his recommended daily amount of vitamin C. Hector Elizando, on the other hand, could use all the help he can get, as he's on heart medication which is revealed in a scene that totally isn't foreshadowing at all. Nope.

So, when is this comedy going to start getting funny?

As classes start at the university, the football team holds open tryouts, as nearly every player from the team the previous year was expelled . . . or just went to the NFL. Probably more the latter than the former; everyone knows the NFL loves criminals. Unfortunately for Hector Elizando and Robert Loggia, a bunch of "hilarious" characters show up for tryouts, including, but not limited to, a crazy military guy (Marcus Giamatti, Paul's brother), a bunch of other rejects, and a quarterback who sucks at life (Drew Kahn). With this last discrepancy in mind, Robert Loggia hits the road in search of a quarterback and he finds one on the farm . . . Sam Beckett's farm to be exact. Oh, so that's what the opening scene meant. Thanks for paying that off, movie. Once on the farm, Robert Loggia steps in some manure and then tries to recruit Sam Beckett for the team; I guess being around Fred Thompson has that effect on people.

Meanwhile, back at the university, Hector Elizando meets with the football-hating dean, Larry Miller, while Fred Thompson looks on. Much to Fred Thompson's amusement – as he must be drunk with power at this point, Hector Elizando and Larry Miller match wits to a stalemate. Later, Larry Miller watches the team practice, which is more than a little creepy. Hopefully he doesn't plan on watching them in the shower, though. Anyway, while Larry Miller mocks the sport of football from the sidelines because he's a damned dirty Commie, Sam Beckett, all-American archetype and new quarterback, shows up to make Larry Miller drink a cigarette butt . . . via a convoluted series of events.

After practice, Sam Beckett goes to his dorm, as he's now, "hilariously," a college freshman. Unfortunately for him, his fellow students don't know that, as they all think he's some student's dad, except for Sam Beckett's giant Samoan roommate (Peter Navy Tuiasosopo), who just accidentally mocks Sam Beckett's age. Back at practice, the team fails at everything football, except for Sam Beckett, because he's awesome and all-American. Meanwhile, Robert Loggia argues with some guy who thinks he's a samurai (Michael Dolan) before telling Hector Elizando all about Sam Beckett's tragic family history involving inherited farms and missed opportunities at Penn State.

Sometime later, at the gym, Sam Beckett gets hit in the head with some HOT CHICK's (Harley Jane Kozak) racketball. Oh well; he's done for the season. At least it's not as embarrassing as "turf toe." Anyway, afterward, at a reasonable facsimile of The Peach Pit, the HOT CHICK apologizes to Sam Beckett; Sam Beckett, all-American hero, responds by hitting on the HOT CHICK, who also happens to be a professor. Meanwhile, in the coaches' office, Hector Elizando and Robert Loggia argue over players' ideal positions . . . until cold-hearted Pinko Larry Miller shows up out of nowhere to ban half the team's players for specious violations. In response, Hector Elizando and Robert Loggia, against their better judgment but just to spite Larry Miller and his Lenin-loving ways, elect to field the team Chuck Bednarik-style and play the same players on both sides of the ball. Dum-dum-DUM!

Back at practice, some crazy Australian (Louis Mandylor) shows up without pads, so Hector Elizando has another player knock out the Australian as a way of welcoming him to the team . . . and getting him to wear pads. Inventive, if violent. Later, Sam Beckett goes to class, which just happens to be taught by the HOT CHICK professor, who tells the class that there are no free rides for football players . . . unless their name is "Sam Beckett." To that end, after class, Sam Beckett tries to apologize to the HOT CHICK professor for sort-of leading her on earlier, but she plays hard-to-get. Maybe he should go back in time and bag her then; all he needs to do is call Dean Stockwell. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK professor maybe could've used some of Sam Beckett's company as Commie bastard Larry Miller meets with her just to hit on her, but she doesn't dig it because she's a red-blooded American.

At another class, cuddly comedian Sinbad teaches astronomy while speaking jive and Sam Beckett watches the proceedings intently. After class, Sam Beckett and Sinbad reminisce about old times because they're friends from way back . . . and then Sam Beckett tries to recruit Sinbad for the football team because Sinbad JUST HAPPENS to still have a year of eligibility. Geez . . . with all this recruiting, playing football must be one step under selling Amway. Of course, Sinbad, since he is a big-name star . . . in the early '90s, joins the team and messes with Robert Loggia at practice; no word on whether or not he did it by drinking grapefruit juice.

Finally, at the first game, while Rob Schneider whines in an empty press box, the team gets pumped for the game in the locker room. Unfortunately, their excitement doesn't translate to the field as they stink . . . except for Sam Beckett, who has super-awesome all-American powers. Sadly, those powers don't extend to his receivers, as Sam Beckett throws a perfect pass to one of them . . . and he drops it. To add insult to injury, as the pass was against the coaches' wishes, Hector Elizando benches Sam Beckett and puts in the awful substitute . . . and hilarity follows. Meanwhile, in the stands, the university's answer to Chairman Mao, Larry Miller, laughs hysterically at the comically bad display on the field. Then again, if he hates football so much, how would he know when it's being played badly?

After the blowout, Sam Beckett meets with Hector Elizando about the former's impromptu benching. Instead of answers or an explanation for Sam Beckett, Hector Elizando merely becomes football Yoda and confuses Sam Beckett with strange wisdom involving football. Uh-oh . . . looks to me like someone had a mental breakdown. Somebody call Robert Loggia! In class, the HOT CHICK professor mocks the football players' homework, except for Sam Beckett's, because he also happens to be awesome at homework.

The next day, to help get the team's morale back in order, evil Bolshevik Larry Miller sets up a little scrimmage against a team of convicts . . . who also happen to be retired NFL players! And, for some reason, Evander Holyfield. I guess he had to sub in because Michael Vick was busy being a real convict. Of course, the convict football players, lead by Dick Butkus, his thick Chicago accent, and Ben Davidson, trample the college guys before they're rounded up by their sheriff, much to Larry Miller's amusement.

As the games pass, the team, unsurprisingly, keeps losing, mainly because they stink, so Robert Loggia forces them to do aerobics. Umm . . . OK. Then, after a game, the players start fighting in the locker room out of frustration, until Sam Beckett and Sinbad step in to make peace and plan some fun for the night so the team can relax. In order to do that, the team heads to a bar . . . except for Sam Beckett, because he's probably busy being awesome at homework. Unfortunately for Texas State, their fun at the bar is spoiled by the arrival of their arch-nemeses from Fake Texas University, who immediately start mocking the woeful Texas State players. Luckily for the players, Sam Beckett, who must have finished his awesome homework, arrives on the scene to try and defuse the situation . . . which simply devolves into the requisite bar brawl. Dalton would be proud. While the teams fight, Sam Beckett and Sinbad, since their older and, hence, fragile, sit back and joke around.

After the brawl, Larry Miller shows up, probably looking for vodka to quench his Socialist thirst, but he only finds Hector Elizando, Robert Loggia, a calm sheriff, and the teams goofing off together, much to his chagrin. While Larry Miller is incredulous regarding the scene, Hector Elizando takes a few moments to explain the politics of college football in Texas, which mainly involve the sheriff not wanting to lose his job due to arresting the Texas players. Of course, Hector Elizando takes off his game face once Larry Miller leaves as he then lectures Sam Beckett about immaturity for some reason.

Humiliated by Hector Elizando's lecture, Sam Beckett visits the HOT CHICK professor for a little bit of sympathy and advice . . . and maybe some gettin' it on as well. Actually, instead, Sam Beckett has the tables turned as the HOT CHICK professor reveals that she actually stalked Sam Beckett back in high school because he beat her school's team in a championship game in the '70s. How sweet? The next day, Hector Elizando and Robert Loggia chat about the team's lack of a competent kicker, which I'm sure is the greatest of their worries, because the awful team would be so much better if they just had a kicker. Yup. Of course, this is all a setup for Robert Loggia to unveil his latest genius idea not involving orange juice as he makes Hector Elizando watch a soccer ball fly overhead, kicked by a HOT CHICK female soccer player (Kathy Ireland). Against his better judgment yet again, Hector Elizando lets the HOT CHICK kicker try out for the team and, since she's awesome – which is a far bit better than any other option they have, she makes the team.

Of course, as irony often has a hand in how movies work, the conditions of the next game aren't necessarily conducive to kicking as rain pours from the sky onto the turf field. Larry Miller, who may very well be the devil, is entertained by the proceedings, but he should be more entertained by the team on the field, as they hold the Kansas Jayhawks to a 3-0 lead throughout most of the game. With moments left, however, Texas State makes it to the red zone and the coaches elect to kick, probably to see if the HOT CHICK kicker can handle the pressure, the rain, and her ball. Of course, the HOT CHICK kicker makes the field goal, ending the game in a tie and Texas State's losing streak. Sucks to be you, Kansas! Of course, Kansas doesn't take the tie lightly as one of their players tackles the HOT CHICK kicker, but she responds by booting him in the genitals, just because that's "hilarious."

After the game, the HOT CHICK professor soothes Sam Beckett's wounds behind the stadium, much to Larry Miller's chagrin because he's jealous . . . and creepy. He gets all up in Sam Beckett and the HOT CHICK professor's business, which annoys Sam Beckett to the point that he dumps the HOT CHICK professor because she won't stand up for herself. Well now that was unexpected. Meanwhile, in the locker room, the HOT CHICK kicker waits for the shower until the giant Samoan gives her the all clear and watches out for her as well. In return, the HOT CHICK kicker agrees to go on a date with the giant Samoan.

Sometime later, the team goes to a fancy party and Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) shows up out of nowhere because, supposedly, he's also a player on the team . . . and his dad is insanely rich and a benefactor for the school. Anyway, Michael Bluth's dad gives the team new sportcoats, but Hector Elizando shows up to protest because he doesn't want the team getting in trouble. Somehow, Hector Elizando's appearance causes a fight between Hector Elizando, a drunk Sam Beckett, Michael Bluth, and Michael Bluth's father, which leads to Sam Beckett quitting the team and Robert Loggia furiously scolding Hector Elizando. OK, that's confusing.

The next day, Sam Beckett quits school and hops in his Jeep to return to the farm. Before he can, he gets a little company: Michael Bluth, who's also running away from school and his father's control. During Sam Beckett's road trip, he listens to Michael Bluth complain about his father, which somehow makes Sam Beckett grow up and force Michael Bluth to be respectable once there, with a little help from Sinbad. Sam Beckett, meanwhile, rejoins the team, even though I'm sure the NCAA paperwork will take a few years to be properly filed so he won't be playing again until he's 40. Oh well. Or not, as Hector Elizando gives Sam Beckett the team and lets him lead a practice because Sam Beckett finally grew up, even though he was never that immature to begin with.

In class, the team takes their mid-terms and then Larry Miller tries to blackmail the HOT CHICK professor into letting him screw over the players. The HOT CHICK professor, wisely, refuses, so Michael Bluth passes, as well as all the other players on the team. To celebrate, the HOT CHICK professor gets it on with Sam Beckett, while Hector Elizando has a heart attack in the coaches' office. Sometime later, after sex, Sam Beckett has a flashback to high school football, which is just kind of . . . weird. And here I thought most men thought about baseball.

The next day, Robert Loggia visits Hector Elizando in the hospital and Hector Elizando, who's not dead after all, gives Robert Loggia the playbook of awesome. That night, Robert Loggia takes over the team and provides exposition for the players regarding the whereabouts and condition of Hector Elizando, which are exaggeratedly grim to pull at the team's heartstrings. Of course, as they're facing their undefeated rivals, Fake Texas University, they need all the help they can get. What doesn't help is Fake Texas University scoring off the opening kickoff and then Sam Beckett getting nearly murdered by a Fake Texas lineman, much to Fred Thompson's chagrin.

With the team down 21-0 at halftime, Robert Loggia freaks out in the locker room and starts stripping for the players; maybe he's threatening to show them where his orange juice really comes from if they don't win. Somehow, Robert Loggia's bizarre motivational techniques work, as the team plays better in the second half . . . which isn't really that hard because anything is better than zero. Although, as evidence of the team's improved play, even the receiver who never catches anything (Duane Davis) catches a touchdown. Elated with their success, Sam Beckett and the rest of the team then conspire to kill Larry Miller on the sideline; after the deed is done, Fred Thompson steps over Larry Miller's broken carcass and adds insult to injury by firing him. Now that's just cold.

Back on the field, the samurai goes crazy for no particular reason and starts kicking a bunch of the Fake Texas players; meanwhile, Hector Elizando comes back from the hospital because he just had really bad indigestion, and he starts calling plays even though he told Robert Loggia to coach the team. Hector Elizando can be such a jerk sometimes. Anyway, the team finally brings the score to 21-14 and Sam Beckett, sensing victory is within their grasp, gives his players a pep talk in the huddle and then they score on a Robert Loggia trick play! So it is his team after all! Go Robert Loggia! Orange juice power!

With the score 21-20, the team lines up for a tying point, but, instead of taking the tie, they go for the win by faking the kick and trying a two-point conversion. Remarkably, thanks to the Samoan killing a giant Fake Texas lineman, the play works and Texas State wins the game! Of course, after the game, there is much rejoicing, as Robert Loggia gets a Gatorade shower – even though I'm sure he'd prefer . . . eh, it's old at this point. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK professor and Sam Beckett end up together, as do the giant killer Samoan and the HOT CHICK kicker, because that's so preposterous that it's "hilarious." On the sideline, the Texas State mascot gets ready to shoot a not-dead Larry Miller in the head, but it's rudely interrupted by the closing credits. Oh well; I guess the murder will have to be saved for Necessary Roughness 2: Even Rougher.

To be quite honest, I could've sworn Necessary Roughness was funnier back in the day. Though my comedic tastes may have changed in the intervening years since the film's release, it could very well be that Necessary Roughness just isn't that funny. It almost feels like a drama about Sam Beckett's travails on a terrible football team. In fact, unlike the most comparable film I can think of – Major League, Necessary Roughness doesn't take enough time to establish the supporting players as viable characters; most of the time, anyone who isn't Sam Beckett, the coaches, Larry Miller, or the HOT CHICK professor is given little or nothing to do other than show up for scenes. None of the supporting characters are fleshed out to any degree, ruining any humor they could bring to the proceedings from their antics. In fact, the only recurring supporting character is Rob Schneider, who is more annoying in this role than entertaining. Necessary Roughness, like more than a few '90s films, isn't actively bad, but it could be so much better; alas, it just ends up as a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I get ready for even more football, this time moving up to the professional leagues with Neo by my side. See you then!