A Fool's Utopia 8.28.08: Labor Day Antics

Posted by Ron Martin on 08.28.2008

This week in one man's utopia we take a look at all the things you should be doing this labor day weekend. Also we discuss Harry Potter, ABC promoting Pushing Daisies and extras flashing the camera, three reasons you should watch Teen Wolf and Dodgeball that is Super! As an added bonus we got Fat Boys and Maria Sharapova.

It's scary how fast we did it, but here we are mere days away from Labor Day. The intolerable humidity of summer is giving away to the cool breezes of autumn. The days are slowly getting shorter. You have just a few more days to squeeze in your some final pre-labor day activities. You got a three day weekend…here's some ideas on how to fulfill it while celebrating the end of summer.

Did Someone Say Movie Marathon?



If you still have a local video store, support it by renting the entire series of some horror franchise and stay up all night watching the entire lot. For full effect grab a series that starts with a good movie and then falls into ridiculous plotlines of utter crap. My advice: Don't go with Friday the 13th or you may never get too sleep. There are just too many. Stick with something that has less than five. Suggested: Sleepaway Camp, The Amityville Horror or I Know What You Did Last Summer.

It's Time to Finally Get Caught Up On (insert show here)

The episodes have sat in your DVR queue just waiting for you to take advantage of free time to finally get caught up on the show. I know you just missed the one episode and DVR'd the rest of them until you had time to watch them all before the next season started. Now's that time. The next season starts soon. Bust out a marathon.

Go to the Drive-In



I understand that Drive-In Theaters are a thing of the past and are almost extinct. Most people don't even have one near them anymore. All the more reason if you do have one near you, you should go to it this weekend. Not only could you see Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express for about $8, but you can bring your own food, cigarettes, sex toys and prescription drugs. They don't care – they got your $8. That's all they wanted, man. If you're lucky like I was back in the day, you can see the rare triple feature of Another Stakeout, Coneheads and Hocus Pocus If you don't have a Drive-In near you, then charge a lap top, drive your car to a remote location and pop a movie into the DVD player. There's nothing like watching a movie while wondering if a psychotic maniac is outside your car ready to pounce at any minute.

Go Swimming

Public pools will be closed next week. Most outdoor pools will be closed next week. If you're not inspired to get into a pool and make an ass out of yourself while pretending to be Michael Phelps now, you never will be. This will inevitably end in you swimming as fast as you can, out of control and "accidentally" running into the behind of a bikini clad hottie. And that's as close as you're ever going to get, so take it.

Walk Around Your House Naked

In about a month, you're going to be shivering on your couch, wrapped up in a blanket. Now is the time to let everything hang out. Watch out for sharp table edges. NOTE: If you have pets, please skip this part.

Watch Maria Sharapova



She'll probably be playing tennis on the USA network or CBS. She'll be the one grunting. A lot.

Eat at the Waffle House at 4 AM

Ah, Waffle House, the dirtiest, greasiest franchise in your town. It's a haven for a person in a drunken stupor just looking for anything to soak up some of the alcohol when the bars let out. From personal experience, I can let you know that if you pass out in one of the booths, they don't mind. They won't refill your water, but they'll let you sleep it off. Who else wants to sit there, anyways.

Watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon



You should watch just because it's a TV staple and you have to see some of it at least once. That's what you tell people anyways. You really watch it because Jerry is old. He gets tired easily and he gets very excited. Near the end of the telethon when Jerry has been up way too long and he basically rambling incoherently, he will almost always say or do something so completely inappropriate that it will make any time you spent watching the telethon time well spent.

It's the last real weekend of summer. School is starting. Football is starting. Do something! Me? I'm going to a town festival, a football game and a horror convention. And probably walking around my house naked while watching both Maria Sharapova and Jerry Lewis after coming home from Waffle House at 5 AM.

-- In this week's Ask411Movies column, Leonard mentioned movies that you kind of have to see at least once to say you've seen them if you want to be a film buff. He just sort of skimmed the list. On top of what he wrote, I'd add: Casablanca, Nosferatu, Twelve Angry Men, The Sound of Music, The Godfather, Star Wars, Schindler's List, A Space Odyssey 2001, Sunrise, It Happened One Night, Citizen Kane, It's A Wonderful Life, The Searchers, Lawrence of Arabia, Mary Poppins, The Graduate, Annie Hall and ET.



-- Will television monkeys never learn? For those searching, we have found our "Jumping the Shark" moment for American Idol. The girl in the picture above that wasn't an American Idol judge last season is Kara DioGuardi and now is one of the judges. Kara's contribution? She's written lots of pop songs for lots of pop singers. While that's fine and dandy, I don't if she's watched the show, but the kids don't write their own songs. This is a transparent overreaction to declining ratings last season. Here's a novel concept – instead of trying to mess with a successful formula (Still a huge ratings grabber) ride out the ratings as long as you can and start working on something new. Nothing lasts forever, right? American Idol. let me introduce you to…



Cousin Pam (The Cosby Show), Luke (Growing Pains), George (Facts of Life) and Ivanka (The Apprentice).

-- I'm not a Harry Potter fan. I don't really like the books and I've only seen one of the movies. It was alright. I do think Warner Brothers moving the sixth Harry Potter from this November to next summer is taking advantage of the movie's fans. No matter how WB tries to spin this, it's all about the money. They don't want to release one huge franchise movie so close to the huge Batman's mega-hit. I don't know when Warner Brother's fiscal year begins, but it wouldn't surprise me if these two movies were barely in different fiscal years. They're taking a big risk here. I know the movie will do great and set all kinds of "Best Opening for Sixth Movie in a Franchise during the third week of July" records, but it may lose the interest of some not as diehard fans. A lot of kids have moved on to the Twilight series of books. A Twilight film is set to release right around Thanksgiving (Hmmm….interesting), so by next summer, some of the fans whom have feel taken advantage of might not be there. Okay, a lot of them will be, but it still seems like a risky venture for a franchise where everyone already knows how the story ends.

-- Of the "have to see to say that you've seen them" movies I listed above, I've only seen nine of them.



-- As much as I dogged ABC for their new fall "lineup," I have to admit that they are at least doing something right. They're promoting the best show they have, Pushing Daisies, by touring the country in a portable version of Ned's The Pie Hole across the country giving out free pie. The tour is only hitting major cities, but I like the creativeness. I have heard of times when movies and TV shows would go out of their way to work a gimmick to get some PR. I often cry at night while thinking that I wasn't yet born during the prime gimmick period, so I appreciate these moments. I also appreciate free pie. All kinds. When you have to pay for it, it just doesn't seem as special.

-- I don't know how I feel about Michael Phelps being the first host of the SNL season. On the one hand, I can see why NBC wants to keep their big rating Olympics train rolling by having Phelps on. I can also understand why Lorne Michaels wants the talk of the town hosting his show. The pessimist in me (which is in control most of the time) says that this is going to be a disaster. Phelps, even when talking about the one thing he knows (swimming) can't keep me interested. He is the opposite of charismatic. Lorne has a way of taking stiffs and making them interesting, so maybe he can work his magic here as well. I'll watch, but I'm not going to lie – the carwreck factor is a major reason.

-- Have you ever owned a Pound Puppy? Did you think that Prince provided a hell of a performance in Purple Rain? Did you own a single glittery white glove? If the answer is yes, then you might be ready for RETRO.

Let me take you back a little further than I usually do. I'll take you all the way back to my early years – some would say my golden years when I was too little to understand what sucked and what didn't suck. Now, that I'm older, I still stand by the decision that there is nothing cooler in the world than collectible cups.



How long since we've have a good set of collectible cups sweep the nation? I think this was mainly a late 70s/early 80s fad that started with Burger King offering a set of four cups with each depicting a different scene from one of the Star Wars movies. Each movie had its own set of four cups, that is. That may not have been the actual beginning, but it's the first I remember. After that every restaurant had some sort of cup and everything that could be thrown on a cup was. Looney Tunes, ET, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Peanuts, Strawberry Shortcake and even these guys….



It should come as no surprise that the mega-marketable Smurfs found their way onto collectible glasses. I only have one great, but ultimately tragic story of a collectible cup. My cup was a Pac-Man collectible tall glass. It had the Pac-Man board on it complete with the main man, Pac-Man running from the ghost monsters. The problem with the glass was that the pictures all around it made it hard to see inside of the glass. At the time, I wasn't the most observant child so imagine my horror when I went to take a sip of my cool grape cool-aid and a dead bug bumped against my lips. After that, I never dared to use the cool Pac-Man glass ever again. It probably still sits in the cabinet of that house I live in so long ago, waiting to be used one last time. Forget it man, I don't want to eat any bugs!

Onto video games played at my local Village Pantry (until midnight when the employees would kick us out). This week's hot video game action:



SUPER DODGE BALL, bitches! The main reason why this game ruled was because it last longer than the others. Sure, each match had a time limit, but it was pretty liberal. If you couldn't eliminate all of the opposing players in the time given, then you shouldn't be allowed to play anymore anyways.

The best part about Super Dodge Ball was that when you eliminated someone, they literally died. I'm not kidding. A little angel appeared and floated upwards because we all know that all Dodgeball players go to Heaven. There was a mix of big ass dudes and little dudes. On top of that, there were super not-so-secret spies on the other side of the court that you could throw the ball to in a sneak attack. These guys couldn't be eliminated which was alright because it was just as fun to knock their asses down with the ball and then just keep wailing on them as they were on the ground.

I saw this game recently at an amusement park in one of those put your money in and pick from twenty different old school games sort of cabinets. I tried to play but quickly realized in my old age I had lost any and all skills for the game that I had acquired. Oh well, it was worth it to see the big ass dude stop moving and start breathing heavy because he was worn out from running to the front line.




COLLABORATION OF 1988



Could it have been anyone else? Is there any group that represented the 80s better than the Fat Boys? They were over the top campy, but more importantly, they were always fun. How can you not have fun doing the Twist with Chubby Checker of all people? The Fat Boys were one of my favorite rap acts back in the 80s (along with Run DMC, Doug E Fresh and later Public Enemy). While Disorderlies is not an all time classic, you can do worse, especially with other recording artists involved. Also in 1988, The Fat Boys recorded the single for Nightmare on Elm Street 4. Pair that with the classic "All You Can Eat" from Krush Groove and that's quality music. Unfortunately, Buffy (yes, that was his name – he was the biggest one), the Human Beatbox passed away in the 90s, so a reunion won't be happening. You have to admit that the Fat Boys are a very overlooked aspect of the 80s.

23 Years Ago Today

August 28, 1985

#1 Song



"The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News

#1 Album



Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears

Notables: "Shout," "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," and "Mothers Talk"

#1 Movie



Back to the Future

Notable Opens: Teen Wolf and Better off Dead…

THREE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH TEEN WOLF


Wolf Fetish

Where else are you going to see kinky costumes on werewolves? In a Stephen King novel? I don't think so. Here, you get 80s teen costume, basketball uniform, civil war uniform and I want to say maybe even a tux. Bravo!


80s Panties

Seriously, seeing Pamela in her unmentionables doing a werewolf should be enough, right? I can't remember, but she may have even dropped the top. I may be wrong on that though. She does get a gratuitous bowling scene afterwards though.


The Extra's Penis!

Ever heard those crazy stories about extras that do their best to sneak things into films that the editors miss? Teen Wolf is one of those movies. Just before the closing credits you can see an extra whip out his junk in the crowd. There's a school of thought that the person is actually a chick. If you see the movie, it's the person with the red shirt and jeans on above Harold when Scott goes to hug him in the stands at the end. Since I can't put a picture of it up here on the sit, here is a nice calming kitty.


I must leave you now.

Until next week, people, if you go to a sporting event at any level; high school, college or pro – leave it in your pants! Unless you are fulfilling end of summer quotas.