The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 9.01.08: Issue #25

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.01.2008

"Diamond Dogs" (2007) and "Warrior of the Lost World" (1983)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #25

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that gets fan mail like this:

"I suppose it must tickle your flaccid penis to post the sorts of ranting, raving, bullshit reviews of the type you do? Losers like you who have never and will never accomplish anything in life find it easy to sit back and judge the work of others, but if faced with the challenges involved in actually creating something of your own would curl up and whimper in a corner somewhere. You obviously are entitled to your opinion, as uneducated and idiotic as it might be, but you should know that some people out here are offended by that opinion, and by the existence of little nothings like you who feel it is their right to get on the internet and spew bile at those more talented than they, and fortunate enough to be doing what they love and making damned good money at it. Enjoy the day job, because you certainly aren't going to be succeeding at anything else. Also...Fuck you, you hack piece of shit,"

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number twenty-five (quite the milestone, I know), I take a look at the 2007 Dolph Lundgren action "epic" "Diamond Dogs," and then I take a look at the Italian low budget post apocalyptic sci-fi action flick that's "celebrating" its 25th anniversary, the 1983 Robert Ginty-Fred "The Hammer" Williamson classic "Warrior of the Lost World."

Diamond Dogs


"Diamond Dogs" features Dolph Lundgren as Xander Ronson, a freelance mercenary/ex-Green Beret who has been living and working in Mongolia for six years (he's done some security work, and he's been a combatant in several illegal underground kung fu fights. He can't leave Mongolia for money reasons, mainly he doesn't have any). On day, Ronson is propositioned by uber rich guy Chambers (William Shriver, who sounds like the guy who did the voices on "Pinky and the Brain"), who wants Ronson to act as the head of security-group interpreter-and local guide on an expedition to look for an old Buddhist tapestry that has valuable diamonds in it (well, at least I think that's what's going on). If Ronson accepts, he'll be paid the sum of $100,000, with $25,000 up front.

At first, Ronson isn't all that interested. He doesn't know Chambers and doesn't trust him all that much (the whole tapestry story sounds kind of goofy). But, with the prospect of a big butt payday, Ronson really can't say no and decides he'll do it, he'll take Chambers and his people into Inner Mongolia, where the tapestry and the diamonds allegedly are. Ronson quickly finds out, though, that Chambers isn't the only one looking to find and secure the Buddhist tapestry diamonds. Evil Russian mercenaries, led by a man named Zhukov (Raicho Vasilev), are also looking for the diamonds and they want to hire Ronson, too, but not to act as a guide or a security head. They want Ronson to stay with Chambers and then, when they find the diamonds, steal them (basically, the Russians want Ronson to engage in sabotage). Ronson, a "real" man of action and character, declines the Russian offer, which sends Zhukov off the deep end. The Russians decide to follow Ronson and Chambers into inner Mongolia to get the diamonds themselves and kill Ronson and Chambers (makes you wonder why they didn't just do that in the first place). Will Ronson get his party safely to their destination? Will he be able to stop the coming Russian merc onslaught? Or will Ronson fail, get everyone killed, and become Zhukov's bitch?

The basic problem with "Diamond Dogs" is, well, it's boring. At no point in time is there ever a sense of urgency to accomplish anything. The movie starts off with a lackluster voiceover narration by Lundgren explaining why he's in Mongolia, setting up his character's general life over the last few years (he's basically a bum). We then see him fight and get into trouble with the law, and it all goes by at a snail's pace. I guess that's an okay way to start a movie like this off, just as long as the plot, when it's set into motion, goes by quickly and important and interesting things happen. That doesn't happen here. Even after meeting Chambers and finding out that evil Russian mercenaries are going to be hot on Ronson's trail, the movie doesn't pick up the pace. Everything just sort of plods along until the final twenty minutes or so, when things finally start happening (you know, fighting and shooting and stuff). And even then, the "exciting" stuff isn't all that exciting. The action scenes are sub par, the only exception being Lundgren's up close fights with the Russian mercs (if there's one thing you can count on when it comes to low budget Dolph Lundgren action movies is at least one nasty, brutal knife fight, shoot out, and or neck breaking. We get two here. For some reason, Dolph doesn't whip out a sawed off shotgun and shoot someone in the face. A missed opportunity to be sure).

Lundgren looks both laid back and incredibly bored here. It's like he's just going through the motions, waiting for the movie shoot to be over so he can go do something else (according to imdb, Lundgren finished directing the movie after the credited director, Samuel Dolhasca aka Shimon Dotan, apparently quit after a few days, so maybe that explains his rather lackadaisacal effort. He was just stretched too thin, sort of unprepared to be doing both starring and directing. Maybe). Although I don't know if it would have made much of a difference if Lundgren went whole hog here and really made Xander Ronson a charismatic ass kicker and mercenary adventurer. As I said, the story is just boring. William Shriver starts out okay as the rich guy scumbag Chambers, but after refusing to drink a nasty native drink in a village on the way to the location of the tapestry, he doesn't get to do much. You get the sense that he's supposed to be a real hard ass bastard, but Chambers never really comes off as anything more than a well connected rich guy who has no idea what he's doing. Vasilev is pretty good as Zhukov the evil Russian mercenary, but he's never really much of a presence until the end. Gregory Maclsaac is decent as the Sinister Man, but he, too, isn't as big a presence as he should be. And then there's Yu Nan, who plays Anika, Chambers' step daughter and Lundgren's eventual love interest. While she's certainly attractive, she's like everything else in the movie; boring. And she has absolutely no chemistry with Lundgren, which obviously isn't going to help their ongoing "sexual attraction."

If Lundgren ever decides to make a sequel to "Diamond Dogs," he needs to make sure that the story is more action packed, and that there's a sense of greater urgency to it all. There's nothing worse than a boring action movie. And he needs to include more up close throat slitting, stabbing, and neck breaking. I just can't get enough of that stuff.

Only see it if you have to.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Dolph Lundgren, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren voice over narration, gratuitous underground kung fu fights, neck cracking, Dolph Lundgren getting his ass kicked by a big ass Russian, a bodyslam, blood spitting, local cops breaking up the underground illegal kung fu fights, gratuitous rich bad guy, gratuitous alcohol drinking, gratuitous arm wrestling, patting a bald guy on the head, gratuitous hot Asian chick in a short skirt and long coat, 2 x 4 to the face, attempted street mugging of Dolph Lundgren, gratuitous old military records, a strip club with hot Asian hookers, one of the lamest pseudo drunk fistfights in movie history, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren packing two handguns in his bag, taking a train into inner Mongolia, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren buying donkeys, gratuitous sheep running rampant, a wall of smiling people, gratuitous street theater, scary soldier guys, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren cutting a wad of paper money in half, driving off into the mountains, gratuitous low budget shoot out, gratuitous sniper rifle sans a scope, gratuitous evil Russian mercenaries on dirt bikes, tombs, decapitation via sword on a dirt bike, knife to the face, neck snapping, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren going spelunking, attempted rape, someone taking a leak, knife to the lungs, throat slitting, another low budget shootout, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren using two handguns at the same time, a very low speed chase, bullet through the chest, gratuitous exploding jeep flying over a cliff, gratuitous Buddhist monks, wrist slicing, stomch stabbing, more throat slitting, and gratuitous Dolph Lundgren walking off into the sunset to continue to live in Mongolia.

Best lines: "You know, they say money can't buy loyalty. I find the opposite to be true," "Congratulations, Mr. Ronson. Very well done," "Who I am is of no consequence," "You've got fifteen minutes to undo a very bad first impression," "So, what brought you to inner Mongolia?," "Oh, so you're in it for the money, too?," "Well, Mr. Ronson, I see that you're an early bird," "First to heaven, then to Earth, and last to friends," "Just go ahead and drink it," "So, do you have my old sniper rifle, or did you throw it out?," "I'll pay ya, but it won't be money," "I wouldn't do that if I were you," "That was close. What was close?," "Well, fire or not, he's dead!," "I got some bad news. The party's over," and "We are the servants of Tangka!"

Rating: 5.0/10

Warrior of the Lost World


And then there's "Warrior of the Lost World," one of the greatest low budget Italian post apocalyptic sci-fi action movies ever made starring Robert Ginty. For some reason, it's kind of hard to believe that the movie, directed by David Worth (the man who eventually gave us the Jean Claude Van Damme movie "Kickboxer" and a bunch of other low budget B-movies, and as far as I know he isn't Italian) is twenty-five years old. It's also kind of hard to believe that, at least to my knowledge, no one has wanted to remake it, no one has wanted to make a sequel, and no one has wanted to put out a special edition DVD. The movie deserves to be looked at again.

Granted, like dang near most low budget Italian post apocalyptic sci-fi action movies, it makes absolutely no sense and really never even tries. Ginty stars as "The Rider," a scum bum loner who rides around the barren future landscape on his "supersonic speedcycle," talking with the bike's super intelligent computer Einstein. One day, he comes upon a bunch of weird beard gang members who attack him. The Rider fights back, escapes, then drives right into a magical mountain where he is chosen by the Enlightened (white robe wearing old people who look like stunt doubles from the Mt. Olympus scenes from "Clash of the Titans") to help destroy the evil Prossor (Donald Pleasence, Sam Loomis/ Blofeld hisself), the leader of the post apocalyptic fascist government called the Omega. The Rider wants no part of it (he's a loner, and the only things he needs are his suspersonic speedcycle and his five o'clock shadow pseudo beard), but is eventually persuaded by Nastasia (Persis Khambatta) to join up and help. The Rider's first mission (defeating Prossor will ultimately require two missions) will be to save Nastasia's father McWayne (Harrison Muller), who has been captured by Prossor (McWayne is the leader of a bunch of militant hippies called The New Way). Once that's done (and you can bet your ass that The Rider succeeds because that's what he does), The Rider's second mission will be to infiltrate Prossor's evil main compound and destroy him and rescue Nastasia (because you just know that that's going to happen). But before that, The Rider has to gain the confidence of the weird beard gang yahoos that attacked him at the beginning of the movie and use them as a pseudo army to infiltrate Prossor's compound. I think that's about it.

Ginty is just outstanding here as The Rider. He's got the whole scum bum loner warrior thing down pat, both completely into the movie and somewhat dismissive of the whole thing (you get the feeling after about a half hour that he's in this movie solely for the paycheck). In terms of B-movie iconicdom (I know, I know, that's probably not a word), Ginty's The Rider is just, simply put, an icon. He's got his leather coat, his surprisingly clean blue jeans, his talking motorcycle, his five o'clock shadow pseudo beard, and his two silver .45's, and when he's pushed, he starts kicking ass. I don't understand why he doesn't have his McFarlane Toys action figure and a vintage character poster. He really is that cool looking. Persis Khambatta is good at the beginning, but because her Nastasia character changes after the halfway mark, her general performance suffers. She's kind of boring towards the end. Harrison Muller is hilarious as the militant hippie McWayne. He manages to spew out some of the best pseudo left wing hippie bullstuff ever in a movie (he's the kind of guy militant left wing hippies oh so want to be).

And then there's Donald Pleasence. Pleasence was always accused of being a bit of a ham, or kind of wacky when he wasn't in a "serious" movie. And here, he's the whole damn pig. He's both creepy and hysterical at the same time, riffing on his own performance as Blofeld in "You Only Live Twice." He sure can beat the crap out of someone with a black leather glove. Much like Ginty, there's no real excuse for not having an action figure for the Prossor character. He should be iconic, too. Watch him torture Nastasia with the garage door opener (that's what it looks like) and then have one of the best death scenes ever. Ever.

And then there's Fred Williamson, who is in this movie for reasons that aren't clear. I'm going to assume that he's in it because, at the time, he was a "big star" in Italy and he was available. He really doesn't get to do much beyond stand around. He doesn't get to join in on any of the action scenes. His character, labeled on imdb as Henchman, does figure into the ending, but then why he figures into the ending is unclear. You'd think there would have been a sequel, given the completely bizarre ending that makes no sense, and we could then have found out what Fred's deal was. But that didn't happen.

Now, you can't go into this movie expecting to be entertained like you would by an old Cannon movie or a modern action movie. The action scenes are poorly staged and at times hard to understand. The vehicles and costumes are "cool" to look at, but in action they're a bit of a let down. And The Rider's talking motorcycle gets annoying after about twenty minutes (Einstein doesn't really speak like KITT in "Knight Rider." He usually screams one word at a time, and then on a view screen the word is often misspelled). And the final showdown between The Rider and the evil Megaweapon dump truck with a flamethrower is one of the lamest final showdowns in movie history (I don't understand why the Megaweapon movies so slowly. You'd think that thing would be running people over left and right and setting things on fire). And how The Rider takes the Megaweapon down is just stupid. However, even with all of these issues and problems, the movie is still cool and fun. You kind of have to accept it on its own terms and just deal with those issues. Once you forgive it its problems, I guarentee you will eventually dig it and maybe, just maybe, want to dress up as The Rider for Halloween. Again, Ginty should be and is an icon here.

And how about that music? Some of the best synth stuff ever.

So how about it Anchor Bay or Blue Underground or Image Entertainment? Find out how to get the rights to it and put out a two disc ultra special cool super edition DVD with respectful commentary tracks and all of the bells and whistles (I know MST3K did an episode featuring this movie, and while it was funny, "Warrior of the Lost World" deserves better than to be just made fun of). The super movie nerd world would appreciate it.

"Now, into this time of conflict and rebellion, astride his supersonic speedcycle, rides one man... a fearless survivor, who was destined to become the...Warrior of the Lost World."

If only.

Highly recommended. A freaking classic.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening crawl that tries to make sense of the eventual convoluted storyline and which contains spelling mistakes, gratuitous "with Fred Williamson," gratuitous Robert Ginty, gratuitous Robert Ginty on a talking motorcycle, a car with spikes, gratuitous cop car with spikes chasing Robert Ginty, gratuitous talking computer saying "Bad mothers," the subsonic button, a button that says "ultimate velocity," gratuitous slow motion body burning on a motorcycle, head on collision with a bike, slow motion car driving off a cliff with a huge explosion, gratuitous "Golden State Freeway," a massive junkyard, gratuitous teenagers wearing walkmans waiting to ambush Ginty, crossbow arrow to the leg, gratuitous low budget Italian post apocalyptic sci-fi action movie jeeps, dune buggies, and dirt bikes, gratuitous Robert Ginty with two silver .45's, grenade throwing, gratuitous Robert Ginty driving through the side of a mountain, gratuitous smoky room filled with old people, gratuitous Fred Williamson, gratuitous old people using a hidden flashlight to fix Ginty's wounds, gratuitous fencing training, a ball shooting threat, a talking motorcycle that says "Tubular," tarantulas, a hanging snake, gratuitous underground mutants, slow motion torch to the face, a pen flamethrower, arm touching, gratuitous hot chick in leather bondage gear, a lab tour, a check out reader that misspells "Imminent," gratuitous disembodied voice of Donald Pleasence telling people they've been unproductive, gratuitous public executions with body burning, gratuitous slow motion bodies falling off a water tower, gratuitous Donald Pleasence, gratuitous fat chick who looks like Mimi Bobeck eating a turkey leg, gratuitous guy that kind of looks like pro wrestler Cactus Jack, helicopters that looks like toy helicopters, exploding helicopter, gloved hand to the face, gratuitous Persis Khambatta spitting into Donald Pleasence's face, a hot black chick smoking a cigar, a midget, a big brawl in a circle, midget tossing, blood spitting, van door carnage, fist raising, gratuitous light table torture device, a cop pissing on the side of the road, cop strangling, loud beeping, motorcycle stealing, gratuitous Fred Williamson with a machine gun sitting in a helicopter, a big ass crash through a police barricade, a crotch grenade, exploding car with the roof flying into the air a hundred feet, guy falling out of a helicopter, gratuitous exploding car falling into a pond in slow motion, exploding wall of barrels, brainwashing, a winding set of stairs, gratuitous big ass dumptruck with a flamethrower and huge spikes on the front, one of the lamest ultimate weapon destruction scene in movie history, shooting people on the run, gratuitous good guys infiltrating the main computer area and shooting people, gratuitous shooting Donald Pleasence, one of the best death sequences ever, and a confusing ending that makes no sense and begs for a sequel.

Best lines: "Good morning, Einstein," "Let's go airborne," "What's happening to kids today?," "I'm getting sick of your surprises," "Yippee!!," "I really don't care about your problems with the Omega. It's none of my business," "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?," "I don't have to do anything!," "Let's see what this baby can do," "Nice shot, professor!," "Take her away. Prepare her for the assembly line," "What the hell are we doing here? These people are dangerous," "What is this, some kind of party?," "Hiya doing, honey? All right?," "You see, my dear, the real world is not a very nice place," "Hey, soldier, you want to shake it for you?," "You're starting to get on my nerves, you know that?," "You're just full of good news, aren't you?," "Barricade my ass," "Hey, Captain, plan on joining us?," "Are the meek inheriting the Earth?," "No system is without flaws, but your brand of evil is an abomination," "Whatever happens to you will not be because of revenge," "Kill him. Kill your father. Now," and "It's amazing the gullibility of mankind."

Rating: 10.0/10.0

***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. I just want to make a moment and thank Ashish and Leonard and my pal Chad Webb for letting me do this column here at the 411mania movies zone, and letting me write about movies I love to write about. I know I haven't hit every deadline like I should have, but I have no intention of stopping as long as I'm allowed to continue. Again, I love these movies, even the awful ones, and I love writing about them. And a very special thanks to those of you who read this column every time it's put out on the site. If any of you have any movie reviewing suggestions, feel free to write in and tell me about them. I'm always on the look out for new and different B-movies. I mean, after all, B-movies rule. We should always try to remember that.

"Diamond Dogs"

Dolph Lundgren- Xander Ronson
Yu Nan- Anika
Xue Zuren- Ang Shaw
William Shriver- Chambers
Raicho Vasilev- Zhukov
Gregory Maclsaac- Sinister Man
Directed by Samuel Dolhasca
Screenplay by Leopold St. Pierre
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence and some language
Runtime- 94 minutes
Buy it here



"Warrior of the Lost World"

Robert Ginty- The Rider
Persis Khambatta- Nastasia
Donald Pleasence- Prossor
Fred "The Hammer" Williamson- Henchman
Harrison Muller- McWayne
Directed by David Worth
Screenplay by David Worth
Distributed by 905 Entertainment (DVD)
Rated R for violence and some language
Runtime- 87 minutes
Buy it here