The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 9.08.08: Issue #26

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.08.2008

"Target of Opportunity" (2004) and "Bone Dry" (2007)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #26: "Target of Opportunity" (2004) and "Bone Dry" (2007)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that wants to know if anyone thinks Newt Gingrich is anything but a despicable, lying, adulterous, fat ass douchebag who was probably working the floor of the 2008 Republican convention looking for his next wife, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host, Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number twenty-six, I take a look at the 2004 action flick "Target of Opportunity," and then I take a look at "Bone Dry," a thriller from 2007 starring Luke Goss and Lance Henriksen.

Target of Opportunity


"Target of Opportunity" stars Dean Cochran as Jim Jacobs, a former CIA agent who has to travel to the Eastern European city of Gorna (which, according to wikipedia, is in Bulgaria) to rescue an old comrade, Nick Carlton (Todd Jensen), who has been capturted by gangsters and thrown into prison. Unable to gain sanction for his rescue mission (the U.S. government considers Nick Carlton an international criminal and as a result won't lift a finger to help him), Jacobs goes on his own dime, using his own money and local contacts to locate Nick and formulate a plan to spring him. Things get complicated when, after rescuing him (because you just knew that was going to happen), Jacobs finds out that Carlton has amnesia (most likely caused by the massive doses of truth serum his captors repeatedly injected into him) and can't remember anything, especially whether or not he really is an international criminal. With Eastern European gangsters hot on their trail and no real way to escape, Jacobs has to help Carlton remember his past and stay alive.

What I find most interesting (and in some ways quite refreshing) about "Target of Opportunity" is how rather mundane the story is. The flick is not about CIA agents racing against time to save the world or to save the President or anything like that. It's more about a man trying to rescue a friend. It's a simple, straightforward story that doesn't try to do more than it has to and has no interest in trying (I mean, yeah, there's the crapola later on about dirty bombs, but it really doesn't amount to much). Director Danny Lerner and screenwriter Les Weldon should be commended for keeping things relatively simple. The flick's only major problem is at the beginning, when we see Jacobs and Carlton in the past, as part of a CIA paramilitary team infiltrating a compound in Chechnya for some reason. It's unclear what's really going on (if Jacobs or Carlton explain what's going on here I certainly didn't hear it), and when the sequence ends it's unclear why it ends where it ends. In a way, I understand why the sequence is there (it's showing the audience what the two main characters do and are capable of), but it would have been a better, more substantial scene if we knew what the heck was going on.

The other great and interesting thing about the flick is the cast. Both Dean Cochran and Todd Jensen aren't what you'd call great actors (well, they don't appear to be great actors, at least not here). But Cochran and Jensen don't have to be great actors. You just have to be able to believe them as CIA agents (what you could call the "Charles Bronson method") and you do. Cochran has that cynical but bound by duty attitude that so many great action movie heroes who have come before down pat (you get to see him freak out when his old CIA boss tells him they can't rescue Carlton because he's an international criminal, and then you get to see him fret about breaking U.S. national security rules by telling Carlton's girlfriend Elena what's going on and whether or not the arms dealing Carlton is accused of violates national security). You also believe that Cochran can beat the crap out of anyone who gets in the way. Granted, he doesn't deliver his lines all that well, but, again, this role isn't about being a great actor. It's about working well in the moment. The same goes for Jensen, who has to add a bit of vulnerability to his Nick Carlton character due to the whole amnesia angle. And Jensen also looks like he can take down anyone or anything. It would have been nice if their various fist fights and gun battles were handled with a tad more care (there's way too much slow motion hooha here in the gun fights), but, I guess when it comes to low budget movies, as long as you don't see the blood packs all that often you're in good shape.

And then there's Nadia Konakchieva (it's always great to find someone with a last name more complicated than mine) as Elena, Carlton's girlfriend and Jacobs' local contact. Her character is odd because you're not sure whether or not you're supposed to trust her, and I'm not talking about in the mystery-movie-potential-twist-up-ahead kind of way. Her "local job" is gal pal/female thug/Eastern European gangster chick of scumbag crime boss Lenkov (Atanas Srebrev), but she's also in cahoots with Carlton and whatever the heck it is he's doing, and she's also apparently "in it" for herself in some way. Confusing, right? Just what the heck is she about? And when we do find out what she's about, it doesn't make much of an impact. There's no "whoa!" moment with her. Nadia (I'm not typing that last name again) is nice to look at, though, so she's got that going for her.

And then there's Bashar Rahal, who plays the main Eastern European henchman Ivan. He does an okay job (he has a beard, wears a leather coat and gold jewelry, and rides around in a sleek Mercedes, which is what all Eastern European movie gangsters do) but there's a weird moment where he's sucked into some kind of giant floor cleaning machine (at least I think it's a floor cleaning machine. I can't imagine what else the machine could be) and it appears as though he's dead. I mean, he puts his hands over his eyes, there's nowhere else for him to go, and the machine takes up half a room. He's dead. But then we find out he isn't dead. Why? I don't get it.

Now, as I said, the gun fights and fist fights aren't all that well staged (there's also something wrong with the sound effects in some of the up close fights), but because they're all consistently done in the same way it isn't as big a problem as it could be. However, again, there's just way too much slow motion here. Slow motion should be used sparingly (unless, of course, you're John Woo or Enzo G. Castellari, and then you can use it as many times as you want). If it's used too many times in the course of an action movie, it just gets annoying and, ultimately, doesn't enhance anything. That's why it's used, right, to enhance a scene?

All in all, "Target of Opportunity" is a decent enough action flick that certainly won't change your life, but it will give you ninety minutes or fairly solid entertainment. Even with its flaws, it's still worth checking out.

See it.

So what do we have here? A pretty cool sort of military opera opening title music thing, a helicopter flying over a forest, a big tower out in the middle of nowhere, gratuitous heroes repelling out the back of a helicopter, gratuitous "Chechnya," gratuitous walking around in the snow, putting plastic explosives on a door and then detonating said explosives, gratuitous heavily armed jeep driving through a big ass glass window, gratuitous slow motion gun battle, flying papers, a grenade, gratuitous big ass tank, gratuitous attack helicopter, gratuitous bit where it doesn't look like anything is coming out of the barrel of the helicopter's machine gun, gratuitous repelling down the side of a mountain, gratuitous guy falling into the water below in slow motion, knife to the gut, gratuitous rocket launcher, gratuitous "five years later in Las Vegas," a hot blonde chick, gratuitous old friends drinking to old times, an urgent phone call, gratuitous Eastern European prison, walking the streets, gratuitous bit where character gets bumped into on the street and then checks to see if his wallet has been stolen, gratuitous Eastern European brothel, gratuitous bricks of money, a shoulder holster, a GPS tracker, a prison morgue, gratuitous air bubble into a neck vein, a big ass fire, gratuitous siren, a mutant prisoner attack, a fireman's carry, stealing a big truck, some of the worst shooting since "The A-Team," gratuitous exploding barrels, gratuitous guy falling out of a guard tower in slow motion, gratuitous local Eastern European bar where people drink in silence, gratuitous Eastern European henchmen in leather coats driving Mercedes, infiltrating the local power station, gratuitous slow motion underground gun battle with a guy getting shot in the chest and dying, flamethrower attack, exploding flamethrower guy, a flashback about a hot woman, gratuitous friends fighting, gratuitous underground kung fu fights with slow motion kung fu kicks, track marks, gratuitous guy on a bus with a goat, fist bumping, stealing a motorcycle, another helicopter attack, gratuitous Eastern European henchman hanging out the side of a Mercedes shooting, boat attack, running across a drawbridge, palm thrust to the neck, roundhouse kick to the face, a goat farmer, gratuitous safe house out in the middle of the woods, gratuitous invisible laser security things, a thin Apple laptop, gratuitous evil Eastern European bad guy doing business on a train, suiting up, throwing a large metal box through a window, sliding down a slide pole and shooting a machine gun, gratuitous main character wearing a tan shirt, a trainyard gun battle, gratuitous henchmen wearing black trenchcoats and baseball caps, rolling a grenade down the hallway, gratuitous exploding train cars with henchmen flying through the air in slow motion, gratuitous main characters jumping out of the way of an exploding grenade, gratuitous giant floor cleaner, gratuitous main henchman getting sucked into floor cleaner, train crashing through a wall, exploding car, illegally stopping a train, kicking a gun up in the air and then grabbing it, using luggage to slide across the floor while shooting, exploding train, and a wedding.

Best lines: "Watch your ass. You watch yours," "I've got a bad feeling, Nicky," "Sound off team angel, where the hell are you guys?," "She's something else. Must be, Nick, you can't remember her damn name," "Just don't hit on '15' on blackjack. It's embarassing," "Jim, let me give you some advice, stay away from Nick," "I'm looking for Mr. Lenkov," "I'm Nick Carlton's friend," "Uh, he's been drinking. A lot," "Jesus Christ, who the hell are these guys?," "Maybe I am what they say I am. Maybe I am a low life scumbag," "Blend in," "So we grew up together?," "Hey, we're getting close," "You're un-fucking-believable!," "This is your safehouse?," "I swear to God, this time I will move to Wyoming," "You remember that but you can't remember the twins? Man, you're messed up," "Look, for all I know this whole thing could be compromising national security," "You fucked him, didn't you?," "The time has come to make a choice," "You can't kill me you asshole!," "Jimbo! Nice wheels!," "Not him again. I hate this guy," "That's bullshit, slick," "Jim, I'm asking you for the card!," "Uranium was for sale on the open market your prick!," and "It's my cover, buddy, just my cover."

Rating: 7.5/10.0

Bone Dry


And then there's "Bone Dry," one of the best low budget thrillers you're likely to see this decade, or really any decade (it's one of the best I've ever seen period. I probably just should have said that). The flick, directed by Bret A. "Not the Hitman" Hart, stars Luke Goss as Eddie, a man passing through the Mojave desert for some reason who, after hanging out in a diner run by the Dee Wallace-Stone, is attacked by a man named Jimmy (the Lance Henriksen). Eddie is knocked out, then wakes up in the middle of the desert, with only the clothes on his back and a walkie talkie. The walkie talkie is to be used to communicate with Jimmy, who apparently has a devious plan to send Eddie out into the desert alone, to deal with various disturbing obstacles and follow the rules (meaning that if he doesn't do exactly what Jimmy says, Jimmy will blow his head off using his trusty sniper rifle). So Eddie, failing to see a way out of the situation, decides to do what Jimmy says, hoping not to anger Jimmy to the point where he shoots him. Eddie also hopes to just find a way out of the desert (he wants to go back to his family, or at least that's what he says he wants to do). Will Eddie survive?

The best thing about "Bone Dry" is the big twist that you just know will eventually show its face. It's great because it actually works and feels appropriate to the story. Nothing about it feels forced or gimmicky. As soon as the plot starts up, the flick never stops moving forward, never lets up, and never stops being disturbing. Jimmy is one of the best villains I've seen come down the B-movie thriller pike in a long time. He's incredibly prepared, he has left nothing to chance, and while you never really like him, you're eventually going to be impressed by just how sick he can be. He handcuffs a naked man to a cactus in the middle of the desert. That's freaking sick. And Eddie is one of the better thriller protagonists in a long time, simply because his journey through the desert is just so awful. You're not really sure who he is or why Jimmy is so dang angry with him (well, you eventually find out), but no one should be forced to go through what he goes through (well, it seems that way right up until the end. When you find out what's really going on, it's up to you to decide if what's happening is appropriate).

My only quibble (and maybe quibble is too strong a word here. Issue isn't a good word, either) is that the flick feels a tad too long, but then again I can't imagine what could possibly be cut out. You get sense, though, that the movie could stand to lose about ten minutes of its running time (maybe the "length issue" could be solved by time compression, but then again I don't know how much time that process would or could cut out). I didn't get a chance to listen to the commentary track on the DVD, so I don't know if the participants talked about it or if the moviemakers were deeply concerned about it throughout. I'd imagine they would have been.

Henriksen is insanely good here as Jimmy. While he's not quite as bad ass as his Chains Cooper character from "Stone Cold" (still his best performance to date), Jimmy is a great villain, and Henriksen seems like he's having the time of his life here. Goss is superb as Eddie. He never drops his English accent, which helps add a level of bizarreness to the plot (why is this English guy out in the Mojave desert anyway? He's obviously not a tourist, so what's his deal? And why is he wearing a freaking suit?). Tommy "Tiny" Lister (the president of the universe) gets a nice little throwaway bit as a nasty drug dealer's big ass henchman Mitch, and Dee Wallace Stone is hilarious as the flirty waitress Joanne (she oh so wants to bang Eddie, and while Eddie is obviously not interested, you get the sense that he'd humor her for a few minutes before telling her to fuck off. That'd make for a good short film, don't you think?). Even Carl Buffington, who plays hippie drug dealer and desert camping enthusiast Marty, is memorable and great. Again, this is a great cast through and through, and Hart and company hit a home run. Just great stuff.

I don't think I can recommend "Bone Dry" enough. Great story, great direction, and a great cast. Just an awesome, awesome movie.

Find "Bone Dry" and see it now, now, now.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous hot woman swimming underwater in a pool in slow motion, gratuitous greasy spoon diner out in the Mojave desert, gratuitous Dee Wallace Stone, gratuitous Luke Goss, gratuitous phone number written in a matchbook, gratuitous Lance Henriksen, a big ass SUV, a key, close up of a rattlesnake, urinating on some red ants, gratuitous Lance Henriksen beating Luke Goss down with a handgun, overhead shot of the desert, a compass, gratuitous talking through a walkie talkie, walking north, gratuitous flashback of a hot woman swimming in a pool in a slow motion, a bottle of water, gratuitous cool bit where Henriksen fires his sniper rifle and then you hear the crack of the shot a moment later, salt water, gratuitous Air Force bombing range, giving the finger, another bottle of water, gratuitous Luke Goss naked and handcuffed to a cactus in the middle of the Mojave desert, gratuitous Lance Henrisken watching Luke Goss via binoculars, cactus climbing, attempting to slice through cactus with the handcuff chain, three bottles of water, a snadstorm, gratuitous Lance Henrisken wearing ski goggles and a scarf, salt pills, Luke Goss talking about working at a dog food plant, gratuitous making a compass out of a magnetized metal needle and some water, needle through the fingernail, eating a turtle, a nasty ass can of vegetable soup, gratuitous Lance Henriksen fucking around with a bayonet, bloody ear destruction, foot shooting, gratuitous flashback with a dead woman floating in a pool, gratuitous Lance Henrisken urinating on a sleeping Luke Goss, gratuitous Luke Goss buried up to his neck, a shovel, gratuitous Lance Henrisken driving right up to Luke Goss' head and pushing the front wheel into his face, a rescue, gratuitous bearded hippie drug dealer and desert camping enthusiast, bone collecting, a hand grenade, gratuitous Lance Henriksen riding around the desert wearing night vision goggles, a big ass knife, cocaine, handcuffing bullstuff, gratuitous Luke Goss strapped to the hood of Lance Henriksen's SUV, a cell phone, destroying a wallet, thumb breaking, a big ass migraine headache, potential male bonding, hiding under a dead body, a snake bite, a Hummer, gratuitous Tiny Lister, machete to the head, messy machete death, a desert car chase, money in a back pack, a barbed wire problem, a dilapidated stone building out in the middle of the desert, gratuitous buried skulls, a flashback that explain everything, Kim Richards, a kneecapping, metal spike to the foot, a broken rearview mirror, blood dripping out of a boot, and a lonely walk in the desert.

Best lines: "Who the fuck is this? You can call me Jimmy," "Do you think God gives a shit about what we're doing down here?," "Cap back on, Eddie," "If you had your choice between chess and Russian roulette, which would you play?," "That pretty little family of yours, you want me to start chopping hands and heads?," "Cheers, Jimmy," "Why are you doing this?," "You're not making very good time, you need to pick up the pace. How's the sunburn, killer?," "I suppose you don't know how to make a compass out of a needle and water?," "Wake up. Go to sleep," "I'm freezing, you? How about a barbecue? Bon appetit," "If you respect the desert it will respect you back," "I don't believe in guns, man," "I told you, my name's Marty," "Drop the blade, Eddie. Don't make me repeat myself," "It might be wise for you to use a different tone with me," "Don't make promises you can't keep," "How you feeling, Eddie? How's your thumb?," "There you go, city boy," "You're driving a piece of shit, Eddie! You're driving a piece of shit!," "Come and get me, Eddie," "Jimmy, I was told you saw something you shouldn't have," "Nothing's too good for you, Eddie," and "Never underestimate the power of love."

Rating: 10.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And, if there's anything you would like to see reviewed here, send me an e-mail or send me a line below.

"Target of Opportunity"

Dean Cochran- Jim Jacobs
Todd Jensen- Nick Carlton
Nadia Konakchieva- Elena
Bashar Rahal- Ivan
Atanas Srebrev- Lenkov
Directed by Danny Lerner
Screenplay by Les Weldon
Distributed by First Look International and Nu Image Films
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 90 minutes
Buy it here




"Bone Dry"

Luke Goss- Eddie
Lance Henriksen- Jimmy
Tommy "Tiny" Lister- Mitch
Dee Wallace Stone- Joanne
Carl Buffington- Marty
Directed by Bret A. Hart
Screenplay by Bret A. Hart and Jeff O'Brien
Distributed by American World Pictures
Rated R for violence and language
Runtime- 100 minutes
Buy it here