Misunderstood Masterpieces 09.16.08: Die Hard 2

Posted by Will Helm on 09.16.2008

...or, Evil Drinks Dos Equis in Slo Mo!

Quite often, there comes a time when a successful action movie is deemed worthy to become an action franchise. First, a sequel is green-lit in Hollywood or, if the original film is successful enough, multiple sequels are given the okay. Stars are contracted – usually, scripts are commissioned, and directors are hired, all with dollar signs flashing in their eyes. Quite often, the sequels match or even surpass the original in box-office success . . . but then something happens. Perhaps the star wears out his or her welcome with the fans. Maybe the quality of the films goes down in favor of style over substance. Tastes change in Hollywood and at the cinema, and what seemed like a sure-fire winner one year could be the biggest box-office flop the next. Some action franchises fall prey to this fate, but others face a different issue: a weak link in the series.

Over the next three weeks, this column will study three such films that don't fit the tone, tenor, or success of their predecessors or, in the case of Die Hard 2, its successors. Released in 1988, the original Die Hard introduced the world to John McClane, a wise-cracking New York police detective who finds himself embroiled in a hostage crisis – and more – involving his wife in Los Angeles and he uses his wits and guile to – SPOILER ALERT! – rescue almost everyone. As a smash hit, Die Hard was guaranteed a sequel; ironically enough, Die Hard was initially intended to be the sequel to Commando, which would have made Die Hard an entirely different movie. After all, while John McClane is just a man, John Matrix may very well be a cyborg sent to Earth to repeatedly rescue Alyssa Milano.

Coming two years after the original film, Die Hard's sequel – the imaginatively titled Die Hard 2 – turned out to be an even bigger hit than the first film, but there were some glaring differences from the first film. While the setting for the original was the claustrophobic confines of the fictional Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles, Die Hard 2 casts the action at Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C. and its evirons, lessening the inescapable aspect of its predecessor. In addition, and perhaps most significantly, original director John McTiernan was replaced with Misunderstood Masterpieces alum Renny Harlin. Would the presence of this infamous director affect the quality of Die Hard 2, making it yet another of Harlin's Misunderstood Masterpieces? Let's find out!

As John McClane (Bruce Willis) always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, immediately, in lieu of any form of opening credits, finds his car towed in Washington, D.C. As a now-LAPD cop, McClane attempts to get the presiding officer to cut him some slack, but the sassy officer isn't having any of it, just because he hated a visit to Los Angeles. Or so he claims. A little afterward, McClane gets a page on his beeper – ah, the days before cell phones – and goes inside Dulles International Airport, in front of which his car was so recently parked. Meanwhile, some Central American dictator (Franco Nero) – who looks suspiciously like a younger version of the Dos Equis pitchman – is being extradited on television, while another guy (William Stadler) works out in the nude for no particular reason before shutting of his television. Dum-dum-DUM!

Sometime later, a team of angry guys stalks the halls of the airport, with the nude guy and T-1000 (Robert Patrick) among their number. Elsewhere in the airport, McClane calls his lovely wife (Bonnie Bedelia), who's flying the friendly skies overhead. McClane, unable to think of anything creative to say, just rambles on about the wonders of technology and how he wants some nookie when she gets back down to Earth. Maybe he'll even try to stick it in the wrong place at the right time, for a change. Back on the plane, Mrs. McClane, finished with her call, chats with some old lady, who shows off her taser and then mentions how she, perhaps in a fit of dementia, tasered her own dog. Something tells me this movie predates the TSA. It's just a hunch.

While all of this is going on at the airport, and old guy eats soup in a church in the middle of a snowy field. His lonely dinner is interrupted by some utility workers on the scene to check some power lines . . . and shoot the old guy to death, just because. Back at Dulles, some of the aforementioned angry guys synchronize their watches, piquing McClane's curiosity. His curiosity is further aroused by the sight of the angry guys' sidearms, so he decides to take up his suspicions with the sassy cop. Unfortunately, like their ill-fated negotiations earlier, that doesn't go well.

While a nosy news reporter (Sheila McCarthy) tries to get a comment from the nude guy, McClane wanders around behind the scenes of the airport just to find out what the angry guys are up to. Of course, because he's John McClane and nothing in his life ever goes well, he gets into an impromptu gunfight with two of the angry guys – one of which directed Glitter. If that isn't the best reason to start a gunfight, I don't know what is. Anyway, McClane, through a convoluted series of events, ends up in a fistfight with one of the angry guys – though sadly not the one that directed Glitter – which ends abruptly and preposterously when McClane pushes the angry guy into some sort of unidentified baggage-processing machine which crushes the angry guy to death and, probably, soils quite a bit of luggage as well. I can't want to see those customer complaints. In the aftermath of McClane's brawl, the cops show up to arrest him, because all cops other than McClane are dumb and/or lazy.

Back on Mrs. McClane's plane, Walter Peck (professional douchebag William Atherton), a recurring character from the first film, argues with some sassy stewardesses about having to fly in coach. Not helping the matter is that he's terrified of fellow passenger Mrs. McClane, who hilariously punched him out to end their last encounter. At the airport, the cops make up with McClane after finding out that he is, indeed, a cop and not some random crazy shooting up angry guys who are surreptitiously sabotaging the baggage-handling systems. Or something like that. McClane, perhaps a bit insulted by the cops' treatment, goes off on a tirade about their shoddy procedures, just to work in some good, old-fashioned police lingo.

At the church, the nude guy and his team of angry guys plot and scheme and then the nude guy messes with the guy who directed Glitter, due to his failure on his appointed mission and the fact that Mariah Carey couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. In the headquarters of the airport police, McClane meets with the chief of the force, Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz)! It seems that Sipowicz isn't happy with McClane's antics because it means that the chief might actually have to do some work, much to his lazy chagrin. McClane, not one to sit around and listen to a commanding officer complain, exits the uncomfortable scene before tracking down the coroners' for prints from the dead angry guy, probably just for his personal trophy collection.

On another plane, the Latin dictator from earlier smokes and complains about his shackles, probably because they're preventing him from enjoying a cool, thirst-quenching Dos Equis. Meanwhile, the nude guy does more stuff at the church and McClane calls LAPD Officer Carl Winslow (professional cop Reginald VelJohnson) with a little request: he needs the dead angry guy's prints identified. McClane, then conquers his fear of technology and faxes the prints to his good buddy; thankfully, Urkel isn't on hand to intercept the transmission and mess everything up with his wacky tomfoolery.

Over in the airport's tower, erstwhile presidential candidate Fred Thompson rallies his troops due to a huge snowstorm that's blanketing the Washington, D.C., area making their jobs more difficult. Thanks for that exposition, Mr. Candidate. Meanwhile, McClane, much to his horror, receives a fax from Carl Winslow that reveals that the angry guy he killed earlier was actually a zombie who's been dead for two years . . . at least according to the U.S. Army. Before McClane can register this new information, a HOT CHICK airport desk worker hits on him, just because. Sadly, before McClane can get some nookie from the HOT CHICK desk worker, the nosy reporter interrupts and McClane blows her off . . . no pun intended. Perverts.

In the tower, Sipowicz argues with Fred Thompson about what's going down under their noses at the airport. Just to add fuel to the first, McClane shows up out of nowhere to join in the conversation and, remarkably, against Sipowicz's wishes, Fred Thompson wants to hear what McClane has to say. Meanwhile, at the church, John Leguizamo welds and, afterward, he calls the nude guy, who enacts some sort of evil – and possibly nude – scheme. Back in the tower, McClane argues with Sipowicz because he's got a hunch that evil is afoot and Fred Thompson, being an open-minded man, takes McClane's side, against Sipowicz's judgment . . . which is convenient, as the landing lights and landing systems go down immediately afterward, thanks to the nude guy's handiwork. While everyone else flips out, McClane, who's been through things like this before – and there's even been a movie made about it, is unmoved by the plot development.

After allowing the heroes in the tower a chance to stew for a moment, the nude guy calls from the church with his list of demands, specifically that he wants to pick up the dictator with no interference in addition to a finely appointed 747. Sadly, he doesn't also ask for clothes. While the nude guy pontificates, a helpful tech (Art Evans) tries to outsmart the would-be terrorists. Somehow, as all of this is going on, McClane and the nosy reporter – who somehow got into the tower as well – are ejected by Sipowicz, but McClane escapes the elevator and then has déjà vu in the airport's basement because everything going on around him seems strangely familiar. Ooh . . . it's a hiccup in the Matrix!

While McClane accosts a creepy janitor (Tom Bower) in the basement, Fred Thompson calls up the planes waiting to land overhead and fills them in on the troubles on the ground, leaving out certain, pertinent details. Moments later, the tech and a SWAT team get to work to outsmart the nude guy; unfortunately for them, McClane and the creepy janitor deduce that they're just headed into an ambush, so McClane runs off to the rescue via the airport's extensive ductwork. Sadly, McClane is a bit too late, as T-1000 guns down some SWAT guys . . . in slow motion! The tech, remarkably, survives the initial onslaught and cowers until T-1000 discovers him. Before T-1000 has a chance to find out the whereabouts of John Connor, McClane drops in to the rescue and shoots T-1000 before dropping a scaffold on a stunt dummy . . . in slow motion! I sense a running gag here. Of course, as the nude guy is smarter than anyone else in the entire universe, he blows up the tech's quarry: an array of satellite dishes just sitting out in the open for no particular reason.

Back on Mrs. McClane's plane, Walter Peck tries to make friends with Mrs. McClane, but she's not cool with his advances. Elsewhere, McClane finds one of the angry guys' walkie-talkies, but, alas, it's encoded, so he can only hear gibberish from the speaker. Later, the nude guy discovers McClane's handiwork and, in retribution, he elects to teach Fred Thompson a little lesson because he hates Communists. The nude guy, not Fred Thompson. Although it probably would have been good for his ill-fated campaign if he hated Communists too. Anyway, the nude guy decides to use a British flight – because the English are noted Communists – to demonstrate his power, so he tells the British flight to land – in an egregiously bad Southern accent – while, preposterously, sabotaging their altimeter. Of course, though McClane tries to signal the plane with homemade torches – he must've taken Crafting at level-up, the plane crashes . . . in slow motion, causing McClane to freak out in front of an obvious green screen.

The nude guy's demonstration having ended, McClane mopes on the runway and then Fred Thompson tries to give him a pep talk back in the tower. As an added bonus, Fred Thompson also reveals that the Army is on the way, but McClane's wife's plane only has ninety minutes of fuel, so they have to get there quickly. Speaking of Mrs. McClane, she's still tolerating Walter Peck's very existence . . . until Walter Peck gets a hunch on a big scoop, specifically what's going on down at the airport. Luckily for McClane, the Army shows up nary moments after Fred Thompson heralds their impending arrival, and they're even led by Major James Evans, Sr., (John Amos), an old buddy of the nude guy who's interested in a little REVENGE. McClane, who should be happy that help has arrived, is, instead, suspicious, only because the angry guys are all Army zombies.

While the Army does Army stuff and McClane wanders around with nothing to do at the moment, the helpful tech has a bright idea as he hatches a scheme to rewire some beacons to transmit audio from the tower without the nude guy's knowledge. Unfortunately for the helpful tech, a sinister presence does discover his plan, as Walter Peck listens in on the broadcast. Meanwhile, McClane visits the creepy janitor, who just happens to have a working walkie-talkie, allowing McClane the luxury of listening in on the nude guy's troops, who just happen to be sitting in on a briefing from the nude guy.

Later, on the dictator's plane, he somehow escapes his chains and hijacks the flight; in the process, much to his chagrin, he shoots the pilots and messes up the nude guy's plans in the process. Luckily, with the nude guy's help, the dictator is able to land the plane; not so luckily, McClane – who was listening in the whole time – rushes to meet him on the runway, and nearly gets run over by the plane in the process. McClane, after harnessing his seemingly super-human reflexes in an affront to character continuity, beats up the dictator as he attempts to step out of the plane.

Before McClane can cuff the dictator and end the situation, however, the nude guy and his team of angry guys arrive on the scene to turn the tide for the dictator, who, in the process, gets shot in the arm by McClane. Sadly, he doesn't respond to the wounding by saying "I don't always get shot, but when I do, I prefer a 9mm." Anyway, McClane, now outnumbered and outgunned, retreats to the cockpit, which the nude guy and his associates shoot up before lobbing a few grenades inside as well. McClane, somehow, outwits the grenades by ejecting from the cockpit – and zero altitude – and remarkably survives, much to the nude guy's amusement.

On Mrs. McClane's plane, the captain turns on The Simpsons to entertain the passengers; Walter Peck, however, retreats to the bathroom as he realizes that it's a lackluster season-one episode, before the show got really good. Once in the bathroom, Walter Peck calls his station's newsroom with his big story: Dulles Airport is now controlled by terrorists! Wait . . . Fred Thompson's a terrorist? Back at the airport, McClane once against argues with Sipowicz and, this time, the Major Evans joins in just for a change of pace.

While all of the important people in the airport join together to figure out how to foil the nude guy, McClane is left on the outside looking in, until the helpful tech shows up with a few maps and a healthy dose of exposition. McClane, now with the helpful tech as a sidekick – perhaps presaging his adventures with The Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™ in Die Hard with a Vengeance –goes to the church to thwart the nude guy without the Army's help. Unfortunately for McClane, just as he is about to sneak into the church and put an end to the drama, his wife pages him yet again, which means that he has to fight some guard outside. Sadly, an exclamation point didn't appear over the guard's head, à la Metal Gear Solid. After a brief brawl, McClane preposterously kills the guard with an icicle to the eye in a particularly gruesome visual . . . except for the guard. He probably didn't see anything.

With the guard helpfully deceased, Sipowicz and the Army arrive on the scene and, upon finding McClane there, Major Evans tosses Sipowicz from the scene and allies with McClane. Meanwhile, the nude guy and his angry team shoot at the Army from inside the church while planting bombs. Remarkably, the guy who directed Glitter can apparently do both simultaneously, as he's shown doing both in a notably short period of time. At least he's good for something, because he certainly couldn't make Mariah Carey into a believable actress. After planting the bombs, the nude guy, the dictator, and the angry troops escape on snowmobiles; McClane steals one and gives chase, but it explodes as he tries to jump it over a tractor-trailer for no particular reason. McClane, remarkably, survives relatively unharmed; perhaps he's actually John Matrix in disguise!

While the Army chases the nude guy and the dictator, McClane, off on his own, discovers that the Army was firing blanks for reasons unexplained. Dum-dum-DUM! On Mrs. McClane's plane, Walter Peck phones in his story while Major Evans kills some rookie and calls the nude guy because they're in cahoots! Dum-dum-DUMBER! While everyone in the airport goes crazy when Walter Peck's harrowing account of being around Mrs. McClane and being stuck in coach goes live, McClane catches up with the creepy janitor once again, who takes McClane to see Sipowicz. Sipowicz, who at this point is tired of seeing McClane, tries to have his fellow cop arrested, but McClane responds to that by shooting at the chief . . . with the Army's blanks! Well, it's good that none of the officers on duty in the office had itchy trigger fingers, otherwise McClane's adventure would've ended a bit prematurely.

Sipowicz, now spurred to action by the near-death experience, joins with his brother, who just happens to be the sassy cop from the very beginning of the movie, and McClane . . . to get in an accident outside the airport. Oops. While Sipowicz and his brother argue with a hapless taxi driver, McClane flags down the nosy reporter for a little favor. While, on her flight, Mrs. McClane tasers Walter Peck and, in a hanger, the nude guy, Major Evans, and the dictator get ready to fly off to an extended vacation, McClane and the nosy reporter fly over the now-departing 747 in a helicopter.

After a bit of bickering with the pilot, McClane has the helicopter drop him off on the wing for reasons yet not obvious . . . until the dictator attempts to take off and discovers that McClane has wedged a parka in the flaps. Major Evans, unhappy with the interference, decides to take care of McClane once and for all, but, after a brief melee on the wing, Major Evans ends up getting sucked into the plane's engine for his troubles. Oops. The nude guy, then, as Major Evans' tag-team partner, jumps into the fray for a bit of REVENGE and he and McClane have a brawl on the wing.

Unfortunately for McClane, he ends up getting tossed from the wing, but, in the process, he opens up the plane's gas tank, pouring fuel all over the runway in the plane's wake. Then, moments after hitting the ground, McClane lights the trail of fuel with his lighter and the flame follows the plane into the air and blows it up in an impressive, slow-motion conflagration! Then, moments later, all the planes waiting in the air use the trail of fire on the runway to fly in to safety at the airport; remarkably, they don't all run into each other once they hit the ground in an aviation-flavored chain-reaction. Once all the planes are safely down, there is much rejoicing, while McClane impersonates Rocky Balboa before reuniting with Mrs. McClane and Sipowicz hammily rips up McClane's parking ticket.

As far as action movies go, Die Hard 2 is fairly excellent, with all the set pieces and high-tension needed for the genre. Unfortunately, that reliance on set pieces is also the film's downfall as it seems not to fit into the tenor other films and, in some ways, reminds the viewer that the other films are better. (In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I have yet to see Live Free or Die Hard, but I'll assume it's better than Die Hard 2 as Len Wiseman > Renny Harlin, and not just because the former is married to Kate Beckinsale.) In fact, Die Hard 2, at best, is just a series of set pieces and, after a few instances, has a comical lather-rinse-repeat feel. The film, for the most part, can be summed up in a few scenes and then repeated over and over again: McClane finds something out, McClane argues with Sipowicz, McClane visits the creepy janitor or helpful tech, McClane shoots/blows up/rescues something in slow motion, and repeat. If Die Hard 2 was more than just repetition, it could have been the best film of its franchise; alas, it's just another Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a guest from Detroit shows up to wreak havoc in his third film go-round. See you then!