Misunderstood Masterpieces 9.23.08: Beverly Hills Cop III

Posted by Will Helm on 09.23.2008

...or, No Bananas? No Tailpipes? What's the Use!

Last week, I studied what happens when a new director takes over the reins of a franchise and provides the series' weak link. This week, however, another culprit shall be blamed for a franchise's weak link: the writer. And, in the process, there may very well be a Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame induction.

But, first things first. In the '80s, few stars were brighter or more successful than Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy. After leaving the storied sketch-comedy show for the bright lights of Hollywood, Murphy scored a string of hits that would make any established movie star jealous. Beginning with 48 Hours -- released while Murphy was still on SNL, his dance card features far more success than failure, with some classic films such as Trading Places, Eddie Murphy Raw, and Coming to America as well as modest hits like The Golden Child. Interspersed among these films, as well, were two films from, perhaps, one of the most successful franchises of the era: Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop II. Featuring the wacky adventures of fish-out-of-water Detroit cop Axel Foley as he solves crimes in posh Beverly Hills, the two Beverly Hills Cop films were two of the biggest hits of the decade.

Unfortunately for Murphy, as the decade waned, so did his film career, as he starred in missteps like Harlem Nights, Another 48 Hrs., and The Distinguished Gentleman, only garnering a modest hit with the romantic comedy Boomerang during this time. Perhaps in order to regain the good graces of the film-going audience, Murphy elected to return to the one franchise that made him a bankable star in Hollywood, so, in 1994, Beverly Hills Cop III was released. Unwisely, however, Murphy – or the producers – decided to tap a new writer with no experience on the previous two films to pen this installment . . . and they chose longtime Hollywood scribe Steven E. de Souza. Though de Souza's name may not have been mentioned here often, his previous works should be all too familiar to regular followers of Misunderstood Masterpieces: Commando, Die Hard 2, and the reprehensible Street Fighter, among others. So, with that pedigree behind him, de Souza may have defaulted his way into the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame, but Beverly Hills Cop III still needs to weather my scrutiny. Will it hold up? Let's find out!

In Detroit, a nondescript freight train rumbles by as Officer Axel Foley (Murphy) briefs his cop buddies about some sort of bust going down in the very near future. Before they can get to work, however, the department's cranky chief (Gilbert R. Hill) shows up to complain to Foley about the junior officer canceling S.W.A.T. Ah . . . so Axel Foley is to blame for the movie then? Damn you, Axel Foley! Anyway, while Foley and the chief bicker outside a building, inside, some chop-shop mechanics perform an impromptu musical number for no reason in particular, but it ends hastily when one of their number does the "cabbage patch."

After the number concludes, some creepy white guys, led by a really creepy white guy (Timothy Carhart) show up at the chop shop. It seems that they're very interested in a large truck full of government boxes; once the boxes are uncovered and the really creepy white guy hammily celebrates his victory, he has his fellow creepy white guys melodramatically shoot the mechanics and random things in the garage explode for no particular reason. Wow . . . I didn't know Michael Bay worked on this movie!

Moments after the rather one-sided gunfight ends, Foley, in character as a jealous husband for no reason in particular, knocks on the back door and his presence causes a slightly more balanced gunfight to break out. Unfortunately, during the exchange, the cranky chief decides that he should be a hero, so he sneaks into the garage, only to get shot by the really creepy white guy. While the really creepy white guy and his creepy white goons attempt to escape with the van, Foley finds the cranky chief in the throes of cranky death and, after the chief slips into the afterlife, Foley swears REVENGE! Foley's first step: he steals a chopped car and gives chase through the streets of Detroit . . . for a long, long time. Luckily, just to add to the "excitement," the car hilariously falls apart as the creepy white goons shot at it, but, before Foley can catch up to the van and exact his REVENGE, he's rudely interrupted by a cadre of federal agents, led by an even creepier white guy (Stephen McHattie) who has other plans for the really creepy white guy, specifically letting him get away.

The moral of the story so far: white guys are creepy and evil . . . and this has to be a Michael Bay movie.

At the cranky chief's funeral, Al Green, the Reverend of Love, serenades the congregation; sadly, the mechanics aren't mourned as soulfully. While the cranky chief is laid to rest, Foley's cop buddies show up with some exposition, mainly that all the bad guys are somehow connected to an amusement park in California! Knott's Berry Farm . . . I knew it was you all along! Dum-dum-DUM! Of course, this not-so-shocking revelation – as there had to be some sort of plot device to get Foley to California – leads Foley to teleport to Beverly Hills, where he, for far too long, has to deal with a wacky intercom system in front of the egregiously ostentatious police station.

Once – thankfully – past the wacky intercom, Foley goes off to meet with his old buddy from the first two films, Judge Reinhold. Luckily, Foley doesn't find Reinhold staring out his office's window at Phoebe Cates getting out of a pool, but he merely finds his old partner-in-crime-solving behind a desk and suffering from delusions of grandeur. After Reinhold goes off on a rand about how he controls all the cops in Los Angeles County, Hector Elizando – who's popping up in this column far too much lately – arrives on the scene to bring Judge Reinhold back down to Earth, in addition to providing some exposition regarding the amusement park.

Foley, after garnering Hector Elizando's aid, heads over to the amusement park, where he argues with some chipper ticket representative over prices and his lack of an appointment until he's hassled by security. Evidently, the park doesn't like minorities sullying their manufactured happiness . . . or not, as, before Foley can call Al Sharpton, he buys an overpriced ticket and tours the park, searching for Hector Elizando's contact: the head of park security. Unfortunately for Foley, as nothing in his life ever seems to go smoothly, he senses that there's shenanigans afoot, so he enters the park's seedy underbelly, where costumed characters probably cavort lasciviously; amusement parks are to plushies what the priesthood is to pedophiles, after all.

Once behind the scenes of the park, Foley discovers a mysterious room helmed by a HOT CHICK (Theresa Randle), who attacks park guests with cheap knock-off Cylons, and not even the cool modern ones. The old-school chrome-plated ones. Foley, perhaps more interested in the HOT CHICK than the ride, feigns being impressed for her credit, but his elation is quickly ruined when a pair of security goons arrive on the scene to shoot at Foley for no particular reason. Foley, sensing danger, escapes to the outside, where he takes out his frustrations on park guest George Lucas; luckily for Lucas, he doesn't beat him to death with a shovel in retribution for making the prequels that have yet to be made at the time.

Foley, after ruining George Lucas' day, hides out on a ride, but the security goons are on to him and they hijack the ride from the hapless operator and, in the processes, since all goons are dumb lugs, preposterously break the ride, causing gears to shred and fuse boxes to explode. Seriously . . . can that really happen? Anyway, the ride's melodramatic malfunction causes all sorts of chaos and, of course, Foley has to rescue two annoying kids in the midst of it, so he climbs all over the broken-down ride to get to them. Unfortunately for him, the kids don't want to go because they, apparently, don't trust the black man; Foley, not content to suffer racism, grabs the kids anyway and, yet again melodramatically, lowers them to safety.

After Foley returns the kids to their overacting mother, he basks in the glory and applause of onlookers until a horde of security goons shows up to fake arrest him for . . . rescuing some annoying kids? Anyway, Foley is then forced to meet with park official Louis Jordan, who berates him for breaking the ride, even though it's obvious that the brainless goons did it. I guess Louis Jordan is what some call a "loyal manager." Luckily for Foley, even though she has evidence to the contrary, the HOT CHICK shows up to stand up for him, but all the goodwill ends quickly when the park's head of security shows up . . . and it's the really creepy white guy! Dum-dum-DUM! Foley, rightly, freaks out, but, before any fisticuffs can break out, Judge Reinhold shows up to claim Foley and spirit him from danger. Later that evening, Foley, Judge Reinhold, and Hector Elizando chat over more exposition at a tiki bar, just because tiki bars are awesome.

Sometime later, Foley heads back to his hotel, where he nearly shoots the old guy who owns the park (Alan Young), who was brought there by the HOT CHICK because they suspect there's something foul going on under the park's gleeful veneer. To that end, the old guy even has a piece of evidence regarding the sinister activities, but its significance is not yet clear. Rather than try to figure out how the evidence fits in to the investigation, Foley spends the night with a tuxedo-clad Judge Reinhold as they head over to an awards gala and weaponry convention, just to mess with the really creepy white guy. Once there, Foley and Judge Reinhold find annoying recurring character Balki (Bronson Pinchot), who's now in the self-defense business, and he even has an egregiously giant gun/microwave oven and HOT CHICKS to show for it.

After Foley and Judge Reinhold tire of Balki's endless sales pitch, they retire to the ballroom, where Louis Jordan is busy introducing the really creepy white guy, the evening's guest of honor. After the all-too-brief introduction, the really creepy white guy takes the stage and accepts a lame trophy for being an awesome mercenary or something like that. He's security-for-hire, after all; Blackwater Worldwide would be proud. Anyway, while the really creepy white guy wraps up the speech, Foley rudely interrupts and takes the stage. Ooh! Maybe he'll do some standup! Oh . . . wait. He gave that up ages ago, sadly. Anyway, Judge Reinhold, hiding behind a ficus, watches in horror as Foley roasts the really creepy white guy and then punches him, causing a brawl that ends the ceremony on an unexpected note.

Unsurprisingly, Foley and Judge Reinhold get arrested for their antics at the gala, but, remarkably, Foley is bailed out first by a very nonplussed federal agent guy. The federal agent, tired of Foley's interference, gives Foley a stern lecture and a one-way ticket back to Detroit. Foley, unsurprisingly, doesn't accept, so he later ends up riding along with Judge Reinhold and Hector Elizando to investigate the discovery of the van from Detroit, apparently with the help of S.W.A.T., CHiPs, and even Baywatch. Alas, they're all rather disappointed when the van turns out to be empty . . . or at least appears empty, as Foley later finds a clue amidst the detritus in the van and discerns, with a little help from a borrowed $50 bill, that there's counterfeiting afoot at the amusement park! Dum-dum-DUM?

Wait . . . that's it? Counterfeiting? That's rather . . . underwhelming, to say the least. And here I was expecting nuclear-arms dealing or, at least, diamond smuggling. Eh, maybe that kind of stuff goes on at Disneyland or something.

In order to act on his hunch, Foley dresses as an elephant to gain entry to the amusement park and, as well, sass at a bratty little kid and push him in a fountain for good measure. Before the kid's grandmother can unleash a can of whup-ass, Foley retreats once more to the park's seedy underbelly, where he tracks down the HOT CHICK, who provides more exposition, this time regarding a conveniently closed section of the park that's under renovation and just perfect for hiding a counterfeiting ring. After Foley gets a map to his new destination, he asks the HOT CHICK out on a date and she accepts; I guess she's a plushie as well.

Foley, now driven by his libido as well as REVENGE, gets to work in the ductwork and uses it to sneak into the abandoned section of the park and, unsurprisingly, unearth the counterfeiting ring he suspected all along. Well, after he found the evidence in the van, at least. Unfortunately for Foley, his reconnaissance does not go unnoticed, as the really creepy white guy catches a glimpse of his rival in a mirror and he sends his mindless goons to capture Foley. Foley, after subduing a handful of goons, escapes to the surface and, once again, ends up onstage. It's really getting annoying that they keep teasing an impromptu standup routine; if Dolemite can do it, so can Axel Foley.

After Foley slowly makes his way offstage, he retreat to a public phone, where some kid beats him up before he can call the federal agent guy . . . and get shot at in the process. Luckily for Foley, he has the HOT CHICK watching his back and she calls the police to rescue the object of her affections. Meanwhile, Foley goes on the run, but, alas, he gets cornered by the goons once again and, strangely, he starts shooting in the air for some random guy's home movies before getting captured by the goons. A little later, before the really creepy white guy can finally end Foley's interference once and for all, Hector Elizando and the federal agent show up on the scene, curious as to just what Foley has found. Unfortunately for Foley, Louis Jordan defuses the situation and even outsmarts Foley and the federal agent in the process.

The federal agent, once again, orders Foley back to Detroit, so he and Hector Elizando head off to the airport . . . but with the really creepy white guy's goons on their tail. Foley, still maybe half a step ahead of the really creepy white guy after all, freaks out and escapes from Hector Elizando's hapless clutches. Sometime later, Foley once again meets with the old guy who owns the park and, this time, Foley discovers that the evidence the old guy had is significant because it's actually government paper! Dum-dum-DUM!

Of course, before Foley can do anything with this shocking discovery, the really creepy white guy and his goons show up out of nowhere and the really creepy white guy kills the old guy that owns the park! Then, just as an added bonus, he tries to knock out Foley, but, through a convoluted series of events, Foley ends up holding the really creepy white guy hostage and uses the diversion to steal the old guy who owns the park's car, which he uses to take the old guy who owns the park to the hospital. After dropping off the old guy who owns the park, Foley takes to the streets and tries to be an incognito black man in Beverly Hills, but it's all for naught as he discovers that he's being framed for the old guy who owns the park's murder!

Foley, now less one ally, calls his other ally on the case, the HOT CHICK, but he gets the really creepy white guy instead, who has the HOT CHICK as his hostage. Foley, not content to see his hookup harmed, steals Barbet Schroeder's pink Porsche and drives it over to the weapons convention, where he borrows Balki's egregiously big gun/microwave oven. Now armed, Foley calls Judge Reinhold and heads over to the park for the final showdown. Once there, Foley allows himself to get captured – again – but it's all an masterful scheme as Judge Reinhold shows up moments later to trigger yet another brawl and, in the process, rescue the HOT CHICK.

Somehow, in the melee, all of the park rides are switched on, so Foley retreats to the outside while Judge Reinhold and the HOT CHICK call Hector Elizando for help, even though he's busy hanging out with firefighter John Singleton. Back at the park, Foley tries to use Balki's egregiously big gun/microwave oven and hilarity ensues until Foley, much to his surprise, kills two goons with it. Moments later, Foley once again retreats to the park's underbelly, where he sends the fake Cylons after two more goons and then uses a dead-goon marionette to drown some more goons in a special effects deluge. With set pieces like that, this HAS to be a Michael Bay movie.

With a few score of goons now deceased, Foley heads over to the print shop, where he hacks into the computers and sabotages the counterfeiting ring. Then, just because the film needed to go on a little more, Foley sneaks into another abandoned ride, where some goon shoots a caveman. Meanwhile, in the print shop, Louis Jordan discovers Foley's handiwork and then is gunned down by an unseen assailant. Could it be Hector Elizando? He always seemed to be in cahoots with the really creepy white guy, as they are old buddies. Back up on the surface, Judge Reinhold shoots a couple goons before getting shot himself. Oh no! There goes any chances for Vice Versa 2!

Meanwhile, Hector Elizando finally shows up and he shoots a few goons as well while Foley kills a goon in the abandoned ride's Jurassic period. Somewhere, Richard Attenborough sheds a single tear. Before Foley can celebrate his success, the really creepy white guy shows up out of nowhere – as he has a knack for doing that – to shoot Foley and put an end to all the nonsense. Much to the really creepy white guy's chagrin, Foley survives and the end up scuffling in a fight that ends quickly when Foley shoots the really creepy white guy to death. Yay! Movie's over!

Or not, as, yet again out of nowhere, the federal agent shows up and Foley reveals that he knew that the federal agent was, preposterously, an accomplice all along! Wait a second . . . huh? Well that was a new, interesting, and pointless twist. Anyway, Foley and the federal agent end up scuffling before the federal agent gets shot . . . and innocent (after all) bystander Hector Elizando as well. In the aftermath, Judge Reinhold shows up to collapse from his wounds, causing Foley to giggle and Hector Elizando to no-sell his bicep wound. Seriously; he got shot in the upper arm, yet he bends it just fine. I call "shenanigans." Finally, as a denouement, the old guy who owns the park returns from the dead to christen a new character based on Axel Foley and then a rather injured Foley hooks up with the HOT CHICK, just because it's his movie. Sadly, Judge Reinhold gets no lovin', so he'll have to go back to fantasizing about Phoebe Cates . . . just don't tell Kevin Kline.

I know Michael Bay gets a lot of flack in Hollywood for his propensity for style over substance, but maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on him throughout the column. After all, he didn't direct Beverly Hills Cop III . . . John Landis did. Yes, the very same John Landis responsible for National Lampoon's Animal House, The Blues Brothers, An American Werewolf in London, and Trading Places. Oh, and Spies Like Us, ¡Three Amigos!, Oscar, and Blues Brothers 2000. And, yet, I'm inducting Stephen E. de Souza in the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame? Well, maybe I'll give John Landis a pass because he did Animal House and a few episodes of Psych. . . . but that doesn't exempt Beverly Hills Cop III, because it surely is the weak link in the franchise and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I study what happens when too many characters spoil an action franchise. See you then!