The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.06.08: Issue #30

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.06.2008

"Mr. Jingles" (2006) and "Fear of Clowns" (2004)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that advises you to be wary of anyone who walks into a room and announces, "Man, I've got some serious ass itch going on here," The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number thirty, I have a double feature of "killer clown" flicks. First up is the 2006 super low budget "Mr. Jingles," and then I take a look at the 2004 release "Fear of Clowns."

Mr. Jingles


"Mr. Jingles," released by the fine folks at Lionsgate, is one of those super low budget slasher horror flicks that looks like it was shot with a home video camera. The sound is barely audible, the lighting slides back and forth from relatively adequate to "what the hell am I supposed to be looking at? I can't see anything," and the editing is choppy. In other words, "Mr. Jingles" looks and acts cheap as hell. And while there's essentialy nothing wrong with that, unless the director is some kind of movie genius, odds are the movie isn't going to be all that good. And "Mr. Jingles" is no exception. The flick, directed by Tommy Brunswick, tries very hard to be an effective slasher flick, giving the audience plenty of nasty gore and a somewhat memorable slasher villain, but the flick ends up being waaay more complicated than it really needs to be, and after about half-an-hour, the flick is just boring.

The flick stars Kelli Jensen as Angie Randall, a troubled young woman with a sad and disturbing past. As a child, she saw her mother and father butchered by the clown faced serial killer Mr. Jingles (Dr. Rudy Hatfield), and then saw Mr. Jingles shot to death by the future Mayor Baines (Tom Reeser) and a cop (I don't remember his name). Several years pass, and Angie is all grown up and trying to get on with her life. She leaves the mental hospital she entered right after the attack and gets together with her old pal Heidi (Jessica Hall) for a big girlie underwear party that involves plenty of drugs. Out to ruin that girlie underwear party is Goth chick Melanie (Heather Doba) and her douchebag Goth friends (there's a guy with a nose ring, who I think is the character Cameron, and two others) who can't stand Heidi and her hip and edgy preppy friends. Melanie's big scheme is to have one of the group drop in "unexpectedly" at the party dressed as Mr. Jingles, simultaneously freaking out Angie and just generally ruining the sex and drug party for everyone. Little do any of them know that the real Mr. Jingles, long thought dead, is "back" from the grave and ready to pick up where he left off.

And then the story gets complicated. See, Mr. Jingles isn't just some run-of-the-mill psycho lunatic killer in clown face paint. He's got a "reason" for his bloody rampage. Mr. Jingles was railroaded into the looney jail for political reasons, and when he escaped, he decided to go after all of the people responsible for putting him there (their families, too. I think Mr. Jingles had a family at the time he was put in jail, and something bad happened to them while in there. I think that's what the story is. There's a guy in a cemetary who explains all of this). But, while in jail, Mr. Jingles started practicing the Dark Satanic arts and became, for the lack of a better word, supernatural. So, after several years of being dead, he's back because he's supernatural. And there's only one way to kill him. A special knife made of special metal that... see how I trailed off there? Yeah, I did that because all of this backstory hooey doesn't actually figure into the story at all. No one tries to use the "special knife" to kill Mr. Jingles. The "special knife" just disappears and the flick ends with Mr. Jingles chasing after Angie. So what exactly was the point of all that story padding? Why not just have Mr. Jingles say all of this "I was railroaded" and "I am supernatural" crapola in the final showdown with Angie? Or why not have Melanie or one of the other "serial killers are just so damn cool" Goth degenerates (I say that with love because I love Goths) explain this railroaded stuff? Isn't that information one of them would know? Oh, I think so.

Kelli Jensen does an okay job as Angie the troubled protagonist. She has a decent scene in her therapist's office (it would have been a great scene if we were able to actually hear what the hell they were saying), and she's a pretty good "final girl/girl in peril" when the hooey hits the fan. Dr. Rudy Hatfield is fairly creepy as Mr. Jingles. He's got a creepy cackling laugh and spooky eyes, not to mention some nifty looking make-up. However, his choice of weaponry is boring (dull looking dueling hatchets. Why aren't they gleaming silver metal hatchets?) and as a result he's not all that threatening. Jessica Hall does a fabulous job going topless in front of a bathroom mirror (the movie automatically gets a point for this) and just generally being hot as all hooha. And Heather Doba, as Melanie the Goth chick, does a pretty good job being a stuck up, mean spirited prick who has absolutely no problem performing felatio on her nose ring wearing boyfriend to get him to do her bidding. Doba also has the fattest tits I think I've ever seen in a low budget slasher movie.

And then there's the weirdoe guy who explains all of Mr. Jingles' backstory. I want to say that he's played by a guy named John Anton, but he could have been Michael Patrick Pilsner, too. This guy gives one of the funniest bad performances perhaps ever. I don't think I've ever seen a guy so enthusiastic and just so bad at the same time. If there's a reason to watch this flick, this performance is it.

As I said, the gore effects are pretty good. The flick doesn't shy away from blood and guts (the first effect we see is Mr. Jingles ripping out someone's intestines), although some of the effects don't come off as well as perhaps they should have. There's a scene where Mr. Jingles punches a hole in a guy's chest that looks like a hand coming through a cardboard box. There's also a scene involving a flying severed penis that is neither gross nor "righteous." It's just stupid looking. And there's a scene where Mr. Jingles stomps on a guy and forces blood to spew out of the guy's mouth. We only need to see it once. Seeing it three times is just overkill.

And how about that bit where jingle bells jingle in the background every time Mr. Jingles shows up? It's kind of a fun idea, but since the flick contains almost no real suspense or dread, the jingle bells come off as a faint background noise and nothing more. As I said, it's not a bad idea, bit it could have been handled better.

I'm not going to come right out and recommend watching "Mr. Jingles" unless you're a real diehard slasher horror movie fan. If you're not willing to put up with generally bad moviemaking, bad acting, and just overall movie badness, you're not going to get through the first twenty minutes. However, if you're all about the horror slasher movie genre, while you will not end up liking it, you should watch "Mr. Jingles" anyway, just so you can say you saw it.

I mean, isn't that what we all do, all of us horror slasher movie fans? Brag about all of the crap we've seen over the years?

Of course it is.

Only see "Mr. Jingles" if you have to.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous "Halloween" opening credits sequence with bizarrely cool and creepy music that then turns into a lame ass alternative thing, "and Dr. Rudolph C. Chatfield as Mr. Jingles," gratuitous gut spilling, gratuitous clown serial killer murdering a suburban family, blood oozing out of a dead woman's head, head bashing, child urination, tripping over a dead body, double hatchets to the head with an oozing bloody wound, gratuitous jingle bells in the background everytime Mr. Jingles shows up, gunshots with no muzzle flashes, barely any sound, gratuitous green Mercury station wagon, flashbacks, gratuitous people doing dope in slow motion, a Goth douchebag with a nose ring, gratuitous group of hip and edgy Goth douchebag hoodlums who are just too damn cool to be in a small suburban town, Bible reading, a wooden box of drugs, a Mr. Jingles binder, party planning, killing a guy in a cemetary, walking the streets, annoying preppy girls in a car, some of the worst acting you're likely to see in any movie, stealing a headstone, a squeaky phone voice, rampant homophobia, severed penis throwing, flying hatchet to the head, fellatio, a lawn gnome, guy looking at an old Playboy, a demon spell book, Jessica Hall's fine breasts, gratuitous nightmares, some of the fattest tits you're ever likely to see in a low budget slasher movie, more dope smoking, a special knife that can kill Mr. Jingles that doesn't fit into the end of the story at all, chest punching, a hot ass slow motion girlie underwear party with dope smoking, dancing, more promised fellatio, hatchet to the stomach, even more fellatio, slipping on blood, hatchet through the chest, hatchet to the head, vagina eating, decapitation, gratuitous use of the word "fuck," double hatchet to the back with body stomping and blood vomitting, throat slitting, a dead body party, and just a stupid fucking ending.

Best lines: "Damit, Bill, just sit there and shut up!," "Gotcha! Hahahahahaha!," "Oh, Angie, you need to be punished for making tinkle in your panties!," "Chris, you're such a dumbass," "Hey, stoner, what's up man?," "You're not thinking of calling off the party, are you?," "Shut up you fucking candy ass," "I love screwing band guys," "Oh, God, I hope it doesn't fuck up out party," "What the fuck! Is that blood?," "Don't play ignorant with me!," "Beat it, Baines, you big pile of shit!," "Knock it off, jackoff. I'm not falling for it," "It's gonna be a long night. Hey, you want some coffee?," "So he sold his soul to the devil?," "I'll see you later sweetpea!," "Look, we don't have time for that right now," "So, Angie, is today really your birthday?," "This is awesome! This is so fucking awesome!," "So, tell me about your band," "There's my girl!," and "That's what I'm counting on fuckos!"

Rating: 2.5/10

Fear of Clowns


And then there's "Fear of Clowns," one of the saddest, most depressing slasher horror flicks I've ever seen. Sad and depressing because, while it's, for a low budget horror flick, technically polished and a joy to just look at, it's incredibly boring to sit through. Instead of just making a straight up, pseudo supernatural slasher flick about a woman with visions of an evil clown that's actually a real evil clown, writer/director Kevin Kangas decides to make a cross between a murder mystery, an episode of the "Twlight Zone," and a Lifetime "woman-in-peril" movie that ends up an overlong, pretentious mess.

The flick stars Jacky Reres as Lynn Blodgett, a soon to be divorced mother and struggling artist who can't stop seeing an evil looking clown in her dreams or in her art. She doesn't recognize the clown (she isn't sure if it's a clown she saw as a kid or something) and she's a bit disturbed by her bizarre fixation on it. Things get even weirder after she is commissioned by Mr. Parrish (Patrick T. McGowan), a shady businessman with money to burn, to paint a portrait of his father dressed as a clown. She just can't stop seeing that evil clown. Meanwhile, her scumbag husband Bert (Carl Randolph) is playing hardball with their divorce. Bert wants full custody of their son Nicholas (Jack Porter) and alimony (he's a psychiatrist who hasn't worked in months, in a low down attempt to show hardship). She doesn't have the money to hire a better lawyer to combat Bert, so she's at a huge disadvantage there. She just doesn't know what to do. On top of all that, she's being stalked by a rich guy named Tuck Reed (Rick Ganz), a man who seems to have good intentions but then again may be something else. And then there's the ongoing series of murders that may or may not involve a killer dressed up as a clown. The police seem to think that the potential serial killer clown murders have something to do with Lynn and maybe with Reed, but they can't prove anything. So it's all a big jumble that makes very little sense.

I really have no idea what this movie is trying to accomplish. It isn't scary, it isn't suspenseful, the overly complicated story isn't all that interesting, and, this is a big problem for a slasher movie, it isn't sure if it wants to be a nasty, down and dirty gorefest or a "artistic" slasher movie where all of the deaths appear off screen (because, you know, that's always more artistic). The flick does eventually settle down into a "typical" slasher movie, with the final girl being chased by the killer, but even then it doesn't follow through on anything. The ending makes no sense (it's like Kangas watched the ending to "Malevolence" and said "I think I can craft a movie ending even dumber than that!"), and when the credits roll you want to throw something at the screen because it was all such a waste of time. As I've said a million times before, why is it so difficult to make a simple, straight up slasher movie that's well made and interesting? Why does this process have to be sooo goddamn complicated?

Jacky Reres is not that bad as Lynn the artist. Reres is likeable, she has a fine, natural screen charisma, and she holds up well when the hooey hits the fan. I just wish she was in a better movie. Lauren Pellegrino, as Lynn's assistant Amanda, manages to get through a disturbing nude death scene that would have played off better had the scene involved some actual suspense. Amanda just gets killed while nude by the evil clown serial killer. Patrick T. McGowan is interesting as the shady Mr. Parrish, although why he's even in this movie at all is a mystery. Rick Ganz does a good job as the mysterious Reed. I don't know why the flick doesn't feature more of his character and more interaction with Lynn, since they have a good chemistry that is fun to watch. And Carl Randolph does a good job as Bert the scumbag husband. The dude's got a mustache, so you just know he's a scumbag.

And then there's the clown serial killer Shivers, as played by Mark Lassise. Lassise is actually quite good as the mysterious serial killer clown when he's just standing there, staring at whoever. He's got creepy make up with a creepy teeth thing on the side of his face, he wears a hat and has frilly wrist and neck garments and an executuioners axe. He also walks around without a shirt on for some reason. I don't know why Kangas doesn't use that image more throughout the movie, actually stalking people and being generally nasty and awful. The flick does start to get nasty towards the end, but by then it's too late to make a difference. You're not going to be paying attention by that point. You're just going to want it to be over.

And then there are the death scenes. Aside from a poorly done decapitation scene in the middle of the movie, there isn't much in the way of blood or gore or suspense. I have no idea why. Sure, people die, but most of it's done off screen. Why not actually show Shivers killing people, to make him an even greater threat? Again, I have no idea why Shivers suddenly becomes a bad ass killer at towards the end. It just makes no sense.

"Fear of Clowns" is just an awful hour-and-forty-six minutes of solid slasher movie boredom. Yes, the flick has some good performances, an interesting looking killer, and all of the potential in the world. The flick just doesn't work. It just doesn't understand what it wants to do. It's just a waste of time.

Avoid "Fear of Clowns" at all costs.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous paintings of evil clowns, quick cut scenes of a psychiatry book, a woman having trouble sleeping, a car accident?, a scarred face, a guy who looks like Bruce Campbell, a business card, using the internet to drum up business, people hanging out in an art gallery, gratuitous Baltimore, art flirting, carnival flashbacks, midnight snack fixing, a ringing phone, ear lobe massaging, a child custody case, walking around the woods, axe swinging practice, gratuitous creepy answering machine messages, an old amusement park in the woods, slow motion attempted touching, checking out Lynn's ass, gratuitous using AOL e-mail, using a hair dryer, naked blonde killing, gratuitous artist magazines, a lame assassination subplot, gratuitous guy reading Stephen King's It, gratuitous Lynn painting while barefoot montage, one of the worst decapitation scenes ever filmed, a clown lamp with glowing eyes, axe to the chest, a check for $100,000, gratuitous heroes going to the movies late at night, inside the projector booth, getting a soda at the concession stand, flying axe to the back of the head, a severed hand, guy getting killed in the men's room, axe through the back and out the chest, gratuitous blood going down the drain, a staredown, a book about Rosswell and a guy putting a puzzle together in the dark, a "Lord of the Rings" poster, leaving the phone off the hook, going through a dead fat guy's pockets, a sign that says "Come in they die," an "Evil Dead" zoom camera move, stick to the head, and a really bad ending.

Best lines: "Did either one of you kill the Olsens?," "An artist, huh?," "I don't know what the clown fetish is all about. I think the artist has issues," "Your new admirer has just purchased your most expensive piece, my dear," "I don't really like roller coasters," "This some kind of publicity stunt?," "Have you ever been spanked by a clown?," "You really stuck it to him, Marty," "Are you out of your fucking mind?," "He's still my husband you sonofabitch!," "It takes a clown to catch a clown, huh?," "Do you have a bathroom? I need to pull my foot out of my mouth," "You're confusing me!," "Hey, I wanted to explain about the magazines," "You're like, an expert," "Hey! You scared the shit out of me!," "If this takes much longer I'm going to demand my money back," "You. Are going to pay," "Why are you doing this? To get better," and "This is the biggest fucking clown I've ever seen."

Rating: 1.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And, if there's anything you would like to see reviewed here, send me an e-mail or send me a line below. I'm always looking for new flicks to see.

"Mr. Jingles"

Kelli Jensen- Angie Randall
Dr. Rudy Hatfield- Mr. Jingles
Jessica Hall- Heidi
Heather Doba- Melanie
Chris Peters- Bill
Michael Patrick Pilsner- Cemetary Owner
John Anton- Stranger
Tom Reeser- Mayor Baines
Directed by Tommy Brunswick
Screenplay by Todd Brunswick
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for strong horror violence and gore, language, sexuality and some drug use
Runtime- 80 minutes
Buy it here




"Fear of Clowns"

Jacky Reres- Lynn Blodgett
Mark Lassise- Shivers the Clown
Rick Ganz- Tuck Reed
Frank Lama- Detective Peters
Patrick T. McGowan- Mr. Parrish
Lauren Pellegrino- Amanda
Carl Randolph- Bert
Jack Porter- Nicholas
Directed by Kevin Kangas
Screenplay by Kevin Kangas
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for violence, some nudity and brief language
Runtime- 106 minutes
Buy it here