What?!! This Column!?? 10.07.08: Issue #129

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.07.2008

New and Returning TV shows part 2, two thoughts, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets an award, and Helio Castroneves, tax cheat?

Before I get into the meat of this issue's hooha, there's something I want to get off my chest: The New York football Giants are not the "Defending Super Bowl Champions." In fact, they're not the "defending" anything. Yes, they won the last Super Bowl, they are Super Bowl champions, but they're not putting that distinction up with each new game they play this season. The NFL is not pro boxing or pro wrestling, where the champion can lose his or her championship during an actual defense of that championship. The New York football Giants are former Super Bowl champions, past Super Bowl champions, and if they make it to and win the next Super Bowl, they can be back-to-back Super Bowl champions, but, again, they're not actually defending anything. So can we all please stop saying that?

And while we're all at it, can we also stop calling the New York football Giants the New York football Giants? The "football" distinction is completely unnecessary since New York only has one major Giants sports team. The Giants baseball team, just like the Dodgers, are never coming back, so just stop with this "football Giants" shit. They're the fucking New York Giants. That's it.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, it's time to get to the second part of my review of the new and returning fall 2008 TV shows. The only show I didn't get to check out is the NBC detective show "Life," as, like last week with "Knight Rider," I just ran out of time and didn't get a chance to watch it. I hope I'll get to check out the show this week (four freaking episodes).

Sunday

- "The Simpson's": I believe I've seen every episode of "The Simpson's" (I've been watching the show since it started), and this season's opener was one of the better recent episodes I've seen. While I haven't, for the lack of a better word, complained about the quality of the show the last few years, I will admit that the show hadn't been as good or inventive as it used to be. But then if you're on for close to twenty years a creative lull is bound to happen. Now, with the movie out of the way, it seems like the show has rejiggered itself and found something to work with. It seems the show has thrown caution to the wind and, like its "hated" rival "Family Guy," has decided to just do a funny show that's more about plot and general stupidity and less about character. We don't need to know more about Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, or even Ralph Wiggum. We know who they are. So just let them play. That's what the show seems to be into now. Just playing.

- "King of the Hill": So Bill has diabetes? I gues it was bound to happen at some point, considering how much the man eats (we got to see just how much in this episode. Where the hell did he put it all?). But, is it me, or does this show need some forward momentum, some "new juice" to break up the relative monotony? The show seems to be on autopilot, with no hope of ever going anywhere. I was hoping that Luanne's boyfriend (the one voiced by Tom Petty) would become a bonafide regular and hook up with Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I think that's what the show needs, besides a new reason to exist. New characters. And what would happen if Hank had to go out and find a new job? I'd like to see how that would play out.

- "Family Guy": It's interesting how the show is setting itself up for Cleveland's eventual departure for his own show. I loved how Cleveland's ex-wife Loretta came back to sort of tie up loose ends in Quahog (will she end up a new "Family Guy" regular?). And I love how the show is focussing on Brian's love life and how much he sucks at finding and keeping a girlfriend. I'm going to say that, by the end of the season, either Jillian will be back or Brian will have someone in line to marry (he won't get married, though. I just don't see that happening). I can't wait to see the "Jesus is Peter's best friend" episode.

- "American Dad": I like this show. I think this show is funny. But, even after three seasons (I believe the show is now in its fourth season) I don't think the show has found itself yet. It's still looking to see what works. It seems as though the whole CIA angle has run its course, and, to me anyway, the show isn't as political as it perhaps should be. And Roger the alien isn't as interesting as he used to be. I think the show needs to be a little more outrageous, a little more "out there" (it doesn't need to turn into "Family Guy," though. I like how "American Dad" stays away from the cut scenes/asides thing and just lets its jokes play themselves out). Has this show resolved that whole gold turd nugget storyline thing, the one where the screen went all "letterbox"? I can't remember.

Monday

- "Chuck": I read something, I think it was in TV Guide, that said "Chuck" in its second season was going to shy away from the "villain-of-the-week" format and move towards a more "ongoing storyline where you have to watch each episode to know what's going on." If that's true, I definitely got a sense of that change in the second season premiere. It didn't feel like the second season premiere was about anything (although it was). The episode also, in a sense, felt more like a season finale than a season premiere. It's a weird combination for sure. I don't know, though, if this new potential format is going to "save" the show. It makes me wonder if we're going to see more "inside stuff" at Buy More. And why the hell did they kill Tony Todd? Doesn't the Candyman deserve better than that? I think he does.

Wednesday

- "Knight Rider": As a bonafide total "Knight Rider" nerd, I was really looking forward to and, to a certain extent, dreading the "Knight Rider" reboot. After two episodes, while I do like the show, I can easily see why the show is apparently in ratings trouble. The show has way too many characters in it, it's way too complicated, it's way too "fast," and it takes itself way too seriously. I have no idea what the first episode of the show was about. No idea at all. The second episode was great, though, as the show settled itself down a bit and focussed on one thing. It was like the old "Knight Rider." I think that's what the show should work towards. The "new" Michael Knight, KITT, Bruce Davison, and maybe Davison's character's daughter, should be the main cast. They should be in every episode. The CIA/FBI/bad intelligence guy should be in every few episodes (at this point he's just not that interesting), and the "funny" geek techs should just be eliminated. They're boring. Get back to "One man can make a difference," get back to the goofy interplay between Knight and KITT, and just have fun with it. Allow Davison's character to sleep once in a while. And can we please just eliminate the whole "Mike Traceur can't remember what he did in Special Forces" crapola? Mike Traceur/Michael Knight is not Jason Bourne.

- "Private Practice": Jesus Christ I don't think I've ever seen a more self important TV show in my life. I blame the presence of Amy Brenneman, who just whines all of the time about her lack of a love life, and her job, and how awful her life is. Like I give a shit. The same thing goes for Kate Walsh. She was great on "Grey's Anatomy," but here, on her own show, she's just a bore. She's another "my love life is so messed up" person. Again, like I give a shit. And the male cast isn't all that interesting, either. Brenneman's best friend, Paul Adelstein, is a douchebag, Daly is a douchebag, and that surfing guy that runs the front desk is a douchebag. The only who works on this show is Taye Diggs, and he's saddled with the incredibly boring Audra McDonald (the show never should have recast the Naomi character. Merin Dungey should still be Naomi. She had better chemistry with Walsh). I don't know how this show can be saved. I'm going to keep watching, sure, but, man, it's got to get better than this. It has to. Shonda Rhimes, please fix your show.

- "Dirty Sexy Money": Man, I love this show. It's just pure sleaze and old money decadence with some of the most unsavory TV characters going. Donald Sutherland deserves an Emmy for his Tripp Darling character. He really is that good. I loved how, after finding out that his son Patrick's (William Baldwin) wife was dead, he rushed over to his son's apartment and sat on the toilet in the bathroom, right next to the body, his legs crossed, completely diginified. That should be on a poster somewhere. And now that we've seen that everyone involved with the Darling family has something to hide and is somewhat disreputable, it'll be interesting to see if Nick can somehow slow his ongoing personal descent into evil as the Darling family lawyer, whether or not he'll cheat on his wife with Karen Darling, and it'll be interesting to see if Blair Underwood really does have Tripp's number. I think, at least by the end of the season, we'll see Underwood's Simon Elder and Sutherland's Tripp do serious financial battle. And I bet Tripp's limo driver will kill someone. I can't wait to see how this all plays out.

Friday

- "The Ex-List": This show is hysterical. Yeah, it's self important to a degree (there's way too much of the main cast sitting around talking about their lives in that kiddie pool), but it's also kind of goofy and Elizabeth Reaser's Bella Bloom is a great lead character. I didn't like Reaser on "Grey's Anatomy" (I did like her on the short lived TNT show "Saved"), but she seems to be in her element here and she's having a ball. And how about that song Eric Balfour's character came up with ("Bitch left me on my birthday!")? And that "shaved vagina" joke was pretty dang funny, too. I just hope this show doesn't fall into a rut where the same exact thing happens every week, where Bella finds a guy she used to date, falls for him again, and then gets destroyed by that guy. I don't think that can happen every week. And lets all hope that the psyhic doesn't show up every week, either. She's funny, sure, but that's going to get old pretty damn quick, too. And can someone explain to me why these people can't wear shoes?

So now, with the return of "CSI," the debut of the American version of "Life on Mars," the debut of "The Eleventh Hour" coming up this week, along with four episodes of "Life," I'll be caught up on everything. But then again, doesn't "Eli Stone" start up again soon? And that Christian Slater show?

Man, I watch too much TV.

***

Listen to this song (and watch this video) and ask yourself: don't you miss Joe Bob?



***

Here are two general things I found out this past week that I found interesting:

- "Married...with Children," which is on every morning on TBS, is now also on the Spike cable channel. Now, I love the Bundy clan as much as anyone (it's one of the best sitcoms of all time), but when did "Married...with Children" become such a sought after show? I've been waiting for the Bundy clan to show up on Nick at Nite or TV Land. Imagine that: Al Bundy vs. Bill Cosby. That'd be one heck of a sitcom battle, don't you think?

- I saw this in a recent edition of "The National Enquirer": Sarah Silverman, the famous foul mouthed funnygirl who just broke up with longtime boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel, likes fat guys. Let me repeat that: Sarah Silverman likes fat guys. Now, granted, this is from "The National Enquirer," that paragon of journalistic integrity (you know, when going after John Edwards but not when going after Sarah Palin), so I guess we should all take this with a grain of salt (you know, the kind of salt fat guys like on their French fries). But isn't it kind of neat to know that, out there somewhere, a "typical" sitcom couple is possible.





Damn.

***

This week, the "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag of the Week" goes to Elisabeth Hasselbeck og ABC's "The View." And, no, this award goes to her not because she's a right wing degenerate who just parrots what "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag Hall of Fame" member Sean Hannity says practically verbatim (although by the end of the year she probably will enter the Hall of Fame for just that reason). Ms. Hasselbeck is getting this award because she's the most annoying TV interview show co-host I think I've ever seen. She has an annoying, whiny ass voice, she never has anything to contribute to the discussion, and she's always on the verge of crying. I don't know how the others (Whoopi, Joy, Sherri, and Barbara) stand being on the same set as her. I think Barbara should bring back Rosie O'Donnell one last time. Longtime WWE fans surely remember the time Gorilla Monsoon kicked Bobby "The Brain" Heenan off "Monday Night Raw": that's what we need Rosie to do. Show up on the show unexpected, grab Elisabeth by the shirt collar, and drag her skinny ass to the backstage door. And if she wants to keep the toilet paper she can.





Motherfucker.

***

And then there was the Vice-Presidential debate. While the "liberal" media gushed and collectively foamed its pants over how "well" Alaska Governor Sarah Palin did against Senator Joe Biden of Delaware, the only thing I could think was: I can't believe people are falling for this shit. Again. People, come on. The Governor is still a fucking moron. And since when is it a poit of pride to announce, at an official debate, that you're going to ignore the questions asked by the moderator? Ah, I know the answer to that one. She was just being honest with the American people, right? Sarah Palin is George W. Bush all over again, and John Sidney McCain III, war hero, should be ashamed of himself. "Country first" my ass. If you believed in "Country first" you wouldn't have picked Palin as your running mate. What was wrong with that scumbag Kay Bailey Hutchinson?

I can't wait for tonight's Presidential debate. It should be interesting to see how long it takes Bill Ayers and Barrack Hussein Obama's middle name to become issues. Because that shit is so goddamn important now.



***

Wow. Helio Castroneves, two-time Indy 500 champion and "Dancing with the Stars" winner is a tax cheat. A federal tax cheat (unlike Derek "The Captain" Jeter, who is a New York State tax cheat). This isn't good for Castroneves (obviously, since he could go to jail for 35 years on these charges), it's not good for Penske Racing, and it's not good for the Indy Racing League. The IRL doesn't need this kind of publicity. And what the heck does this do to the Indy Gold Coast 300 street race at Surfer's Paradise? Will Castroneves be able to go and race? If he can't go, will Penske replace him? And will Penske keep Castroneves for next season? And what does this do to the reputation of "Dancing with the Stars"? Who is going down next? Yamaguchi?





As for the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Talladega: Regan Smith got screwed. He should have been awarded the victory, not Tony Stewart. Stewart pushed Smith below the yellow line, and while the rule is if that happens you're okay as long as you don't advance your position when you come back into the racing lane, I don't think Smith broke that rule. He didn't gain the lead until he came back onto the track. And I think it's total bullshit that, instead of awarding him second place NASCAR dropped him back to 18th. Just total bullshit. And, again, what the hell does Juan Pablo Montoya have to do to catch a break? He probably would have won if he didn't get caught up in that huge wreck at the end. He's got to win one by the end of the year. He's just got to.

***

Still nothing of note going on in "Jericho" land. But that doesn't mean you can't check out the following websites for all kinds of cool "Jericho" stuff:

http://www.jerichoseries.com

http://www.jerichooncbs.tumblr.com/

http://www.jerichorallypoint.com

http://www.radiofreejericho.com

http://www.jericholives.com

http://www.jerichowiki.cbs.com/

http://www.jerichonet2.com/

http://www.jerichorangers4ourtroops.com/

And also go here to order the second season DVD, which came out a few months ago. And you can go here to get the first season, and, if you've got deep pockets you can go here to get the complete series, both seasons one and two, in one set. It'll save space on your DVD shelf. Probably. I guess it depends on how big your DVD shelf is.

Long live "Jericho"!

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Please check out the 411mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen. Please also give my other column here at the movies zone a look, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to check out the horror themed columns The October Zombie-thon by the incredibly cool Trevor Snyder, and the 31 Years, 31 Screams column by the oh so very cool J.D. Dunn. Both columns are a bunch of fun this October, that's for dang sure.

"Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?

Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.

Joe: Shoot.

Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, I just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?

Joe: Deal with what?

Peter: You know, with being retarded.

Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped.

Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs."

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. I've been doing it now for months.

***
Cancer sucks.

***










***