A Fool's Utopia 10.09.08: Season of the Witch

Posted by Ron Martin on 10.09.2008

This week in one man's utopia we will not be talking about the horrible Halloween 3. Instead we will take a look at the witches who have invaded our pop culture, old Pepsi Halloween commercials and Friday the 13th -- the video game!

Readers, I am in Salem, Massachusetts. Maybe you've heard of it? It's a small town about 40 miles or so north of Boston. Technically, this is my vacation. I'm here doing a little ghost hunting, enjoying some of the Haunted Happening festival events and visiting some of my Salem witch friends.

Which brings me to the subject of the column this week. Last week, I took a look at a few of the werewolves that made it into our pop culture – I think you can probably see where this is going. This week, let's flip the page and take a look at some of our beloved witches of pop culture.



Any talk of witches has to begin with Margaret Hamilton's iconic portrayal of the Wicked Witch of the West in the classic Wizard of Oz. She set the bar for witches in Hollywood. How many witches after would be poor imitations of her? A lot. Green skin, pointy hat, broomstick, the maddening cackle and vile demeanor were some of the things the Wicked Witch of the West beat into our heads about Hollywood witches. Even when Wizard is cast off and underappreciated by teenagers and young adults as being for kids, it's still cool to like the witch. Wicked Witch of the West FTW!

It should be noted that the Wicked Witch of the West's influence does not end with The Wizard of Oz and almost a hundred years of marketing. She was still the driving force that made the parallel novel Wicked so popular in the 90s. The novel takes on Oz from the Wicked Witch's point of view. It got so popular that it became a hit Broadway musical. That may not be points in the Wicked Witch's favor, but she is a hit on St. Patrick's Day.



Then there's Samantha Stevens who took all those witch stereotypes and turned them on their head. Elizabeth Montgomery's version of the witch wasn't wart infested and nasty. Quite the opposite. Dare I say, Samantha was a hottie. In case you are wondering, her little witch daughter, Tabitha, grew up nice as well. I met her a couple of years ago and she had MILF written all over her, like her TV mom. Samantha was so influential that TVLand dedicated a controversial statue to her right here in the middle of Salem. A story so controversial, you can by a twenty page pamphlet on why it was controversial for only $10. Such is life in a tourist town. Speaking of all the tourism in Salem – that's pretty much Bewitched's fault as well, but that's a long story.



Take three hot ladies, give them magical powers and a posh San Francisco house and bar -- you have Charmed. Well, you have Charmed once Shannon Doherty left the show. Obviously walking down the road Samantha paved, Charmed may be more inspired by the cult success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show is very much like Buffy in storylines and writing style. Though the writing isn't quite as clever, Charmed carved out it's own audience. An audience of people who really love the letter ‘P.' It totally has nothing to do with hot chicks dressing in outfits that show lots of boobage. While I'm not a huge fan of the show, I've seen a few episodes. I don't know if the Margaret Hamilton style witch can ever dominate again.



Staying with TV, let's move onto the TGIF family friendly Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Way before Melissa Joan Hart, Sabrina started as a spinoff character from the popular Archies comic book. Melissa took the character and made her own. With the help of her aunts Zelda, Hilda, a talking cat named Salem and a lot of cheesy, but campy fun situations. You like your teenage witches entertaining her boyfriend in one room and fighting off pirates in the next, all while trying to bake a cake? Sabrina may be the show for you. She fit well in the family oriented TGIF lineup with shows like Family Matters and Boy Meets World. So well, in fact, that hers is the only TGIF show to get it's own cartoon. The cartoon is more of the same, but without the physical limitations of humans.



Did someone mention hot and/or teenage witches? Look no further than 1996's The Craft. Bringing both witch subgenres crashing together, The Craft is the story of four high school girls learning witchcraft, doing harm unto others, killing sharks, dressing slutty and eventually turning on the good one and trying to kill her. I don't think that made it into the yearbook. The four girls all did a great job in their various roles, though Fairuza Balk's performance stands out. A good script shows the build up of magical powers until the girls get too powerful for their own good. It's a good movie with a creepy undertone that has the mandatory version of "How Soon Is Now?"



Oh yeah, then there's these. I'm a noted critic of JK Rowling. I don't think she's a very good writer, but I do admire what she lucked into. The world embraced Harry Potter like it embraced no other. Kids and parents alike would line up hours and sometimes days before the next Harry Potter book would come out just to get a copy. There are Harry Potter themed parties and the movies do gangbusters at the box office. I've not seen it, but I'm sure there is some Harry Potter related porn out there. You know you've made it when there are porn parodies. Harry Potter made geeks out of just about everyone I know and I'm sure more than a few people that you know. At a recent party I attended, I had to walk out of a room when someone asked what dorm you would be in if you lived at the school that Harry Potter goes to. Dear Lord.



Finally, there is Buffy itself. While the series had magic and sorcery of all kinds, it was the character arc of Willow that most people fell in love with. The shy, nerdy girl from season one discovered magic and came out of her shell as her magic got stronger. By Season Four she was a full blown, if somewhat clumsy witch. She came into her own when she met up with her eventual lesbian lover, Tara. Tara would act as the Ying to Willow's Yang and evened the girl out, so it makes since that once Tara bit the dust, Willow went nuts and tried to destroy the world. She would have succeeded too, it not for a yellow crown. Yes, a yellow crown. Season Six was not the high point for Buffy. Other Buffy witches of note include Jenny Calendar, who acted as Willow's mentor, posthumously and Amy, who after spending four years as a rat would go back and forth with Buffy's crew until become a full blown enemy in the Season Eight comics.

The witch has played a large role in our pop culture whether it be in movies, TV, books or plays. There have been good witches, bad witches, funny witches, ugly witches and sexy witches. It will never end. The witch is something we will always go back to as long as Disney is still in business, Like last week, I can't cover every witch, so I offer you up this pictorial.



-- Since I am on vacation, there isn't going to be "a middle" so much this week. You know how my columns usually go; I rant about something, then I do little blurbs and then follow up with the RETRO half. Most people just skip to the RETRO. No blurbs or Fearnet MOVIE OF THE WEEK because, well, I don't have Fearnet here in the hotel, so I didn't get to watch a movie. All of that will be back next week, Until then, enjoy the top horror movie countdown, the RETRO Halloween and the Zombie-thon. It's October at 411Movies! There is not a shortage of stuff for you to read.

-- Remember when more than one Halloween special played each year? When trick or treating was trick or treating? When the fire department would check your candy for you to make sure there were no razor blades? Yep, you're ready for RETRO

It's Friday night. Someone has taken you to the video store to rent an NES game of your choice. You're debating between Top Gun and Karnov when you look over and see this



If you were old enough to say them without repercussions, about three cuss words would have escaped your mouth all at once. Friday the motherf'in 13th in video game format. This is one of the few things God gives you on this Earth, and you will gladly part with one of nine lives in order to play it. It takes all of 20 seconds for you to pop that bad boy into the Nintendo to relive the ups and downs of each movie all night long.

It takes less than that for you to realize that isn't happening.

For all the badassery that you had imagined in your head, Friday the 13th doesn't quite live up to the billing that you have projected it. Jason wants to kill the children. You (playing as six different camp counselors) have to defend the children.



That right there should have thrown up some cautionary flags. There's two major mishaps right off the bat. First, Jason doesn't kill children as proven in Friday the 13th Par VI when Jason busts into the cabin full of children and does nothing. Second, the camp counselors are all singled out on the gameboard when you know that with three boys and three girls, they'd be paired off and taking turns parking the pink Cadillac.


We can live with these minor transgressions, but the gameplay we just can't Jason is about ten times as big as any one counselor, which is fine. It's his brand; he can do what he wants. The real crime is when you're trying to save the kids and you end up hurling rocks at Jason to keep him away. Rocks?!! Jason Voorhees who has died and come back more times than Ron Jeremy has been laid and you're taking him down with rocks. Eventually Jason will take off because, shit, no one wants to get nailed with rocks, it only take him a few seconds to go right back to hacking the children. Perhaps my favorite part of the game is watching the children meter. As the child meter goes down, Jason is having a grand ol' time hacking away at them. The fact that we don't actually get to see this in the game is the biggest fault of all.



I never beat this game. Half because it's hard to do, half because I can only throw rocks at a "pissed off goalie" for so long before I lose interest. I'll stick to Jason in movie form, thanks.

Need your old school Halloween commercial fix? Don't worry, I got you. How about Frankenstein monster carrying a Pepsi truck over his head despite the laws of gravity necessitating the back end of the truck drag on the ground? Then again, if the monster were to actually recognize any sort of universal laws, he wouldn't be living, now would he? I suppose we could give him a pass here, couldn't we?



Silly Dracula, everyone knows that you don't need dip when you have Doritos. What the hell are you going to dip it into? It already has a cheesy flavor baked into it. Unless the dip that the Dark One speaks of is blood…then I understand. I'm just going to act like its blood. It makes me feel better.

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO OF 1994



Got an extra hondo hanging around? Let's make a music video. Overrated and kind of douchey actor, Ethan Hawke convinced Bohemian neighbor Lisa Loeb she should do just that. This whole thing reeks of Ethan trying to get into Lisa's pants so he convinced her to make a video. When it hit big, I am sure he was as surprised as anyone but decided to take it in stride. Wonder if it worked and he got to hit it? I'm sure he did. Loeb would go on to have a couple more semi-successful singles, but this was definitely her peak and Ethan's peek into her pants. I would like to report that Loeb would appear in the 1999 remake of House on Haunted Hill as a reporter covering the new horror themed thrill park by horror celebrity Stephen Price. Her cameraman? James Marsters in pre-Spike mode.

23 Years Ago Today

October 9, 1985

#1 Song



"Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits

#1 Album



Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits

Notables: "Money for Nothing" and "Walk of Life"

#1 Movie



Commando


I must leave you now

Next week, I will have "The Middle." Maybe I'll explain some of my exploits in Salem. Until then, be good!