A Fool's Utopia 10.23.08: FIve Lists of Five -- Halloween Edition

Posted by Ron Martin on 10.23.2008

This week in one man's utopia we take up Halloween inspired lists including the best Halloween TV special of all time, talk Scream Queens, watch old Halloween commercials, bad sequels and visit the one and only Great Cornholio.

Last week for the first time since April of 2007 there was no A Fool's Utopia on 411Movies. Family emergency took precedence over this and the Ghost Hunters recap last week, but I'm back. And I'm pissed!

Okay, I'm not really pissed. It just sounded like something I should have written, so I went with the flow. Right now, I am actually kind of mellow. Maybe a little hungry. Thinking about calling an escort service – but not until I have satisfied my audience, who craves for my word – or has to kill a half hour at work. Either way, glad you're here.

You've picked a fun week to be here. This week I bring back my months old gimmick of Five-by-Five. This is not an attempt to impress Buffy fans by quoting the ever popular Faith, but instead is five lists of five – all Halloween themed for your eerie entertainment. I've got the lights turned down, the candles lit and I'm pretending red kool-aid is blood. I'm ready for list #1! Keep in mind these are my lists and I can only rate things that I know/have seen. Feel free to expound upon your favorites in each category in the Comments section. For those of you who just skipped the little intro and went right into the lists, I'm sure that you'll tell me what an idiot I am for leaving out your favorite stuff.



TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN TV SPECIALS
1. It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
2. The Simpson's Treehouse of Horror
3. Garfield's Halloween Adventures
4. South Park: Pinkeye
5. Halloween is Grinch Night

Hands down, there really is no competition for Great Pumpkin. It's the oldest Halloween special and is the only one that still gets played today. Somehow, back in the 60s Charles Schulz perfectly captured the spirit of Halloween in a 22 minute cartoon featuring a dog flying ace, a ghosts with a dozen eyes and a witch with a big mouth. It's not Halloween unless you've seen It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. While no single episode of Treehouse of Horror will ever surpass Great Pumpkin, collectively the horror/suspense parodies involving your favorite cartoon characters have been worth waiting all year for. Treehouse is always good for a laugh and pop culture references, but just has never captured the essence of Halloween like Great Pumpkin. Garfield, on the other hand, came close. They stopped showing this one sometime in the 90s. Why? I don't know. It's funny, it's got some good songs and the scene where Odie and Garfield are being chased by pirate ghosts is pretty scary. South Park put it's name in the Halloween hat for a little while producing some excellent Halloween specials, the best of which was Pinkeye back in the South Park classic period. Only in true South Park form could everyone in town become zombies because of some worcestshire sauce. Grinch Night rounds out the list simply because it's the best of the rest. Some of the scenes in Grinch Night are out there. I imagine this is what a bad trip in the 70s was like.



TOP FIVE HORROR DEATH SCENES
1. Janet Leigh, Psycho
2. Drew Barrymore, Scream
3. Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hitcher
4. Amanda Detmer, Final Destination
5. Fred Gwynne, Pet Semetary

Let's be honest, if I didn't put Janet Leigh #1, someone would have took a dump in a manilla envelope and sent it to me. This is the ultimate death scene as far as suspense and film goes. I was trying to get away from the classic stuff, but a death list isn't a death list without Janet Leigh. She is my Miracle Whip. I would dare say that the best death scene since then is Drew Barrymore's in the opening minutes of the first Scream. Drew was in the movie all of 15 minutes, yet was smart enough to recognize that this death scene was going to be the most memorable moment of all three films, and one of the most memorable in all of cinema. As for The Hitcher, I know we don't exactly see a whole of the quartering, but wow, just brutal. I thought about that for days after I saw it the first time. Not only do I think that Amanda Detmer is highly underrated as a potential loveslave, but I think her death scene in Final Destination is as underrated. The greatest thing about the Final Destination series is that some of the deaths are stupidly elaborate while others come seemingly out of nowhere. This is the first that comes out of nowhere and it just smacks you in the face. Speaking of, Amanda if you are reading this, I am ready to be smacked. Rounding off the list, the little kid in Pet Semetary always creeped the hell out of me. When he took a knife first to Fred Gwynne's Achilles heel and across his mouth, I winced. I was just a lad at the time, but I still wince when I see it this day.




TOP FIVE NEW HALLOWEEN TRADITIONS
1. AMC's Monsterfest
2. Theater showings of Nightmare Before Xmas and Rocky Horror
3. Zombie Walks
4. SAW movies
5. Ghost Hunters Live Halloween Special

Starting at the top – in the mid 90's the American Movie Channel started its Monsterfest tradition. A few days before Halloween, one of my most beloved channels plays nothing but horror until the wee horrors of November 1. Not just your run of the mill everyday TV stuff either. You can catch classics like Frankenstein, B-Movies, the entire Halloween series, cheesy stuff from the 80s. Anything from the 30s on is fair game. My DVR will never know what hit it. What you can't see is Disney's Nightmare Before Christmas or The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but what is becoming increasingly more popular around the country are Halloween showings of said movies. I know some places have weekly Rocky Horror showings, but those are getting fewer and fewer. It's a thrill to see these movies on the big screen again – sometimes in 3-D. Zombie Walks have become a recent fad. Dozens, sometimes hundreds of zombies walking about the street – what could be wrong with that? The annual SAW movies come in fourth mainly because they are just not that great. The acting is usually pretty poor and the script full of holes, but there is this weird charisma around the film series that makes me want to keep seeing them. Maybe it's the creative death scenes, maybe I'm just old trying to feel young, I don't know. Whatever the case, I like that SAW took up where Halloween left off. It's nice to have October traditions. Ghost Hunters cracks this list, but only barely. They are 1 for 2 on their marathon live specials. The first year was excellent, but like always Pilgrim Films screwed around with it and way overproduced it last year. This could quickly fall off the list if there is a bad showing again this year, especially since they upped the show time to seven hours.




TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN TREATS
1. Fun size candy
2. Candy Pumpkins
3. Candy Apples
4. Popcorn Balls
5. Gummi – whatever

This probably sounds silly to some of you who don't even associate fun sized candy bars with Halloween, but back in the day, Halloween was the only time you could get fun sized anything (except for women). I know now fun size is a part of our lives, but little finger sized one bit Snickers will always remind me of Halloween. Man, you could trade a fun sized candy bar for two of anything else back in the day. Even candy corn. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some candy corn, but these days, candy pumpkins are the way to go. They're a little bit bigger and you can eat the tops off before devouring the whole pumpkin. Yum? Next up are a couple of Halloween staples. If Candy Apples and Popcorn Balls don't bring the Halloween magic, then you're fighting it off. Not so much that these items are ghoully and gross, but when they show up in the grocery store you know Halloween is getting close. Also, I've taken an unhealthy liking to the individually Halloween themed wrapped popcorn balls. As for the gummis? It's not like we have a shortage of gummi candy, but it's around Halloween time that the royal family of gummi makes their appearance. No longer are our choices limited to tiny bears, worms and octopi. We have body parts, spiders, bugs, eyeballs, just about anything you can imagine. Halloween – King of the Gummi!



TOP FIVE MOVIES THAT (SORT OF) TAKE PLACE ON HALLOWEEN
1. Halloween (1978)
2. Sleepy Hollow
3. Halloween II
4. Hocus Pocus
5. Ginger Snaps

Well, what did you think was going to be #1? Ernest Scared Stupid? Halloween is the definitive slasher film and the one the others all try to imitate. It started a phenomenon and probably instilled fear into more than one babysitter. The film still somehow captures Halloween just right, using it to frame all the terror going on in the house. While Sleepy Hollow doesn't specifically take place on Halloween, I think it's implied. Jack-O-Lanterns and other Halloween traditions are evident. Upon re-watching the film, the dialogue is pretty terrible, but the film is nonetheless entertaining. The mood of the film is magnificent. Halloween II picks up where Halloween left off. Literally. Still Halloween night and Michael has not yet given up. He terrorizes the hospital his sister was taken to in what may be the finest sequel to a slasher flick ever made. I love the Halloween decorations in the hospital. Hocus Pocus may not be as scary as Halloween but it is an underrated little film. Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker own the place as the Sanderson sisters. Complete with trick-or-treating, Halloween parties, zombies and black magic. It really is a fun little story that's overlooked because it's a Disney flick. Ginger Snaps rounds out the list, though it doesn't take place entirely on Halloween. I just saw this recently and was not disappointed with it. I just have to see the sequel and the prequel now.


-- Just so you don't have to work too hard, I'm here to let you know what kind of Halloween programming is here for you this week:

Tomorrow: AMC, Monterfest XI through Halloween night.

October 26: 8:00 PM Starz, Bloodsucking Cinema and Fear Fest. Bloodsucking Cinema is a special looking at vampire flicks while Fear Fest is a cheap imitation of Monsterfest. If you like remakes, this is for you.

11:00 PM Travel Channel, America's Scariest Halloween Attractions 2. A look at the scariest commercial haunted houses in the country.

October 27: 9:00 PM Sci-Fi Channel, Headless Horseman. Yes, yet another version of this classic tale, but this time, it's a Sci-fi original. If you like terrible movies, then you will love Sci-fi originals and this is a must see as Richard Moll stars. Yep, you heard me. Bull from Night Court is the star.

October 28: 9:00 PM HGTV, What's With That Really Haunted House?. Look at just how much some people spend to decorate their yards on Halloween.

-- Fearnet Movie of the Week: Waxwork II: Lost in Time



After having watched Waxwork, I was kind of stoked to watch the sequel. The original was campy fun. Zach Galligan is back, but the role of Sarah is taken up by a different actress and the character loses any charm she had from the first one. The movie can't decide if wants to be campy and fun like the first one or an out and out parody in the mold of Gremlins 2 (Coincidence?). Instead of a group of teens jumping in and out of horror movies made real by wax figures, just Zach and his girl jump from scene to scene through some convoluted plot. Galligan just totally gives up in this one. He jumps from overacting, to cheesy acting to stilted acting seemingly at random. The two jump into random horror situations (Frankenstein, Aliens, Black Magic) and fight their way out. Situations meant to be taken seriously are spread within obvious attempts at parody humor making the whole thing uneven. Bruce Campbell cameo and semi-cool sequence of random horror movie jumping sequence at the end notwithstanding, this movie is pretty horrible. Thumbs down. Color me disappointed. As far as I know, Zach Galligan is still somewhere in time fighting off various horror stereotypes.

-- I caught the series premiere of VH1's newest attempt at reality TV, Scream Queens. I thought it might be different, with cool Halloween or horror related challenges, seeing that the top prize was a part in Saw VI. After the first ten minutes of the episode, I remembered why I hate 97% of reality TV. The eight girls were a prime example of the cookie cutter, ridiculous people on these shows that represent about 2% of reality. Kudos to the show for not (as of yet) focusing on how much this girl hates that girl and this girl is jealous of that girl. There was a little of that, but it wasn't the main focal point. That's about all the kudos I can give it. The girls are hot, but I can see hot girls anywhere – I don't have to watch reality TV for it. The "challenges" are about as much fun as you would think watching actresses who can't get parts in B-movies trying to act would be. Shawnee Smith looks bored out of her mind and is just
there to collect a paycheck while the male hosts of the show try to convince the Asian girl that she can get parts by screwing them rather than be talented. I gave it a shot. I doubt I watch another episode. I never thought I'd see the day when VH1 could run even me off with its horrid programming.


-- Have you ever heard of jelly shoes? Do you remember more than three flavors of Now N Laters? Remember when you had to actually remember phone numbers? If you do, then I think you are ready for a little rest and RETRO!

I want to talk about someone who has been lost in time a bit. Not forgotten, but maybe a little misdirected. A man who inspired me with his Halloween adventures oh, so many years ago. I speak of course of….


THE GREAT CORNHOLIO

While it didn't rank among the best, there was a Beavis and Butthead Halloween special. Found on the ever so creatively named Butt-o-ween collection, the heavy metal duo wreak havoc in the episode Cornholio: Lord of the Harvest. Trick-or-treating is for everyone – including Beavis and Butthead. There's just one small problem – I think we all know what happens when Beavis gets his hands on sugar….and lots of sugar. Enter the Great Cornholio who goes batshit insane on the rest of Halloween while Butthead meets up with what may or may not be a zombie farmer, complete with pitchfork. I haven't seen this episode in a long time, but if memory serves me correctly (and it doesn't always) I think Butthead may even join the zombie ranks before it's over. I believe there is a chainsaw involved.

Howse about an old school Halloween commercial, eh?



I'm guessing from the fancy schmancy Halloween costumes, we're looking at early 80s here. Transformers, baby! Who can forget the old school Halloween costumes with the plastic mask held together by some version of a rubber band that would break about five minutes into trick-or-treating so that you were either forced to hold the mask up at every door or try and jimmy the thing so that it would go around your head tighter by tying the rubber band in a knot. You know what I'm talking about. The best parts of these costumes were the cheap plastic smocks. Instead of looking like the clothing your character would wear, it was a picture of your character in action. As if Optimus Prime would be arrogant enough to constantly wear a picture of himself on his chest. Humph!

BEST VIDEO FROM 1995 USING CLIPS FROM A TVLAND CLASSIC



For us old timers here, it's hard to believe that this video came out 13 years ago. Off of Weezer's first self-titled album (I think they have like three or four self-titled albums now), "Buddy Holly" was one of four or five hit songs. More importantly the band got introduced by Arnold and made Potsy jealous. What more could you ask for? I do know that if I were Henry Winkler, I'd be finding the guy who cast a five foot nothing dance double for me. The Fonz is the epitome of cool, and that guy is no Fonz. Come to think of it, neither are any of the members of Weezer. I do remember that they co-headlined the first ever X-Fest concert series that year with Bush.

23 Years Ago Today

October 23, 1985

#1 Song



"Take on Me" by A-ha

#1 Album



Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits

Notables: "Money for Nothing" and "Walk of Life"

#1 Movie



Commando

Notable Openings: Re-Animator

I must leave you now

Until next week people, go out and do something to scare your neighbor. Unless he is really old. Then, you probably shouldn't.