The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.27.08: Issue #33
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.27.2008
"The Toybox" (2005) and "Miner's Massacre" (2003)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that thinks Ernie Hudson is a fine actor and deserves his own TV show or low budget movie franchise (hey, since Carl Weathers doesn't seem to be all that keen on making a sequel to "Action Jackson," why can't Ernie fill in?), The Gratuitous B-Movie column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number thirty-three, I continue my "October watching slasher movies" thing with looks at the British low budget alleged slasher movie "The Toybox" from 2005, and the John Carl Buechler "classic" "Miner's Massacre" from 2003.
The Toybox
"The Toybox," written and directed by Paolo Sedazzari, is one of those slasher movies that really isn't a slasher movie at all. Instead, "The Toybox" is more like a bizarre, creepy family fantasy movie (and when I say "family" I don't mean Disney channel movie family, I mean it's about a family) with slasher elements in it. It's also one of those movies that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Instead, it makes its own sense. I just wish that the flick had stuck with its creepy fantasy theme throughout, because that's where its strength and power lies. When it goes into slasher mode (the last twenty minutes or so), the flick isn't as good. In fact, as a slasher movie, it's just plain awful.
The flick stars Claudine Spiteri and Elliott Jordan as Berenice and Brian Usher, a very close brother and sister in a very strange family. When they were kids, they were both infatuated with the mystical history of Norfolk, which is explained by some crude but interesting animations. As they grew older, Berenice "grew up" and became somewhat successful, moved away from home, and eventually found a boyfriend, Conrad (Craig Henderson). Brian, though, became somewhat dark and mysterious, infatuated with his relationship with his sister and all of the "magical" mumbo jumbo they used to "live" in. Of course, being stuck at home with his wack job family didn't help much. There's Grandpa Alan (Russell Barnes), who sits around watching television and prepares himself to give speeches for some reason (although that may actually be Uncle Reg, as played by Les Dungar. I was confused by some of the names). There's Madeline Usher (Suzanne Bertish), a randy pseudo cougar type who can't stand Alan, or Brian, or really anyone (she also wants to bang Conrad when she meets him). And there's Eleanora Usher (Heather Chasen), who may be a witch.
So Berenice brings Conrad home for Christmas to meet the folks. It doesn't exactly go well. Conrad is totally uncomfortable with being there (he can't get a read on the family, and he's weirded out by Madeline's come ons), and Berenice is upset that her family is acting like a bunch of douchebags, especially Brian. She's willing to forgive him, though, because of their ongoing bond from childhood. Brian can't get much in the way of forgiveness from the rest of his family, though. They hammer him every day for not being "successful" like Berenice, and they're creeped out by whatever the heck it is he does by himself (there's also this thing about clowns, or Brian dressing up like a clown). As the family get together goes on, Brian slowly loses his mind and, after a few childhood flashbacks featuring a Vicar and some more mumbo jumbo, goes on a rampage. Why is Brian going on a rampage? He wants his childhood back. He wants Berenice to join up with him and, again, live in the magical world of old Norfolk, and the only way to do that is to eliminate everyone else (the Usher family). And he wants the old toybox, the toybox his sister used to put him in to help ward off evil, to be magical again.
Well, at least I think that's what's going on. I'm willing to admit that I'm confused by most of what goes on here. The family stuff in the Usher house, especially the family discussions around the dinner table, are a hoot as most everyone is rude to everyone else (Madeline especially). And the bits where Conrad frets about being there and he tries to convince himself to stick around because he loves Berenice and that's what you do when you love someone are fun. But, as the movie goes on and it becomes apparent that absolutely nothing is going to be resolved, that nothing is ever going to make sense, that the young guy with the two dogs is never really revealed as anyone (at least I don't think he is), that the movie is just going to end with a grand feeling of frustration. And it gets worse when the slasher stuff starts.
Now, the flick does have a nice, off kilter look, and Sedazzari moves the camera around like a total madman, keeping you weirded out the whole time. The flick also has a great soundtrack (I absolutely love that end titles music). But, again, the slasher stuff just doesn't work. The off kilter camera work doesn't add anything to the killing moments, and there is absolutley no suspense before or after those moments. The flick also gets way too serious at the end. The dark whimsy of the previous hour just goes away, replaced by a manic stabfest. I just don't understand why the movie goes down that path. Now, had the movie started out with Brian hacking his way through his family enroute to becoming one again with his sister, maybe Sedazzari would have had a solid, butt kicking weird movie in total. As it stands now, it's just a weird experience that doesn't add up to an enjoyable experience.
However, I do think that, if you see it on your video store shelves or on television at some point, you should definitely check it out and give it a chance. Again, it isn't a completely enjoyable movie watching experience, but it is something you should, at least, give a look see. Maybe you'll understand more than me.
Maybe.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous animated opening segment dealing with the magical and mystical history of Norfolk, a young girl telling a story to her younger brother, gratuitous bullstuff story about being a witch, playing "Freddy's gone missing," chewing up a pet mouse in a blender, gratuitous hiding out in a toybox, gratuitous fake proper middle class family, gratuitous guy in a trenchcoat walking a huge dog, an ongoing family argument, gratuitous promise of late night sex, gratuitous impromptu stand up comedy routine practice, e-mail checking, gratuitous more animated historical segments, websites filled with weird stuff, a necklace that looks like a string of paper clips, a stuffed black cat on the family fireplace, gratuitous family dinner conversation, songs about doom and gloom, chain smoking, gratuitous talking about blue van stilton cheese, hanging out in a garage, a clown on a toilet, gratuitous random manequins, an amulet that wards off zombies?, holding a sexy candle lit Satanic chant ritual, nudie magazines?, a blue stuffed animal, a guy talking to rats, meat hook knife attack, a nasty looking neck wound, hook to the arm, sliding on ice, hammer attack, hand wound washing, taking a leak, and a shitty ending.
Best lines: "I just got another of those clown pictures in the Post," "You just said Shaggy Shagito," "Why would I say the name of your toy box?," "Conrad. Is that surname?," "Something terrible once happened in this house," "Oh, that smells gorgeous!," "You're not going to open with that joke, are you?," "You're such a rebel, Brian. It's so terrifying," "Why can't everybody be nice to everybody? Why can't everybody be more like me?," " Who is this an impersonation of?," "I just saw a clown sitting on the toilet!," "Why did you throw holy water on the vicar?," "You haven't touched your team, dear," "Fine! Go back to your Playstation!," and "Watch out! The man has a cricket bat! He is so dangerous!"
Rating: 4.5/10.0
Miner's Massacre
And then there's "Miner's Massacre" (also known as "Curse of the Forty-Niner"), a slasher flick brought to the horror movie world by the guy who dared to show us Jason Voorhee's spinal column, the great John Carl Buechler. I don't fully understand why Buechler, who I remember saying several times that he didn't like slasher movies and that the only reason he did "Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood" was to get noticed, has made another slasher movie. But I'm not going to complain because Buechler, even if he doesn't like slasher movies all that much, sure does know how to make interesting and entertaining ones.
"Miners Massacre" tells the story of six hip and edgy young people (thirty year old just out of grad school types) who decide to go on a weekend trip to a little western town called Suttersville, a town with an old mine that may still have gold in it. They have a friend already there (I believe his name was Jared) who confirmed the presence of the gold. There's Nick and Claire Berman (Sean Hines and Carrie Bradac), pseudo yuppies Axl and Tori (Steve Wastell and Sangie), and apparent professional douchebag Hayden (Rich Majeske) and his uber hot girlfriend Rox Ann (Elina Madison). The friends meet a few weirdo locals (like Old Man Pritchard, as played by the great Richard Lynch and the ultra hot Eve, as played by Alexandra Ford), not to mention the local sheriff (John Phillip Law). Everyone tells them not to go looking for gold anywhere in Suttersville, especially in the old abandoned mine. Why should they all stay away?
Because of Jerimiah Stone (Vernon Wells). See, back in the old "gold rush" days, Stone claimed a bunch of gold, stole some other people's gold, raped and killed a bunch of people, and then became a kind of supernatural weirdoe who put a curse on the town and the gold in his mine, proclaiming that anyone who tries to "steal" that gold will be hunted down and killed by his vengeful spirit. So, ever since, the local townspeople have made it very difficult for anyone to get near that mine.
Except this time.
So, after Jared takes some of the gold, Stone's vengeful spirit (played in full on killer zombie make-up by Brad H. Arden) comes back, and starts killing people. So it quickly becomes a race against, well, not dying, as the remaining friends have to find a way to get Stone's evil spirit to leave them alone. Maybe they shouldn't have fucked around with all of that gold.
Now, as I said, "Miner's Massacre" is, overall, pretty decent. It's got a pretty cool slasher killer (the Forty-Niner/Stone killer zombie has a great cowboy look that should definitely be part of a series of high end action figures), a fine cast including some fun cameos by people like Lynch and Wells, and it's got absolutely no problem being a slasher movie. It isn't trying to be anything else beyond that. However, the flick does have a few issues. First, it isn't very gory. With a movie like this, from a director who, when he isn't directing, runs Magical Media Industries, one of the best make up effects companies going, you'd think that the flick would be bloody as all hooha. But for some reason, it isn't. Most of the people here are killed via a pickaxe to the back. You can only see that so many times before it gets lame. There is a nice severed head gag, and a pretty nifty shovel-through-a-windshield-and-then-through-a-chick's-neck bit, and a great, gross bit where Stone's zombie, after suffering a severed hand, replaces that hand with a pickaxe, ramming the handle into his wrist stump. But bits like that are too few and far between. The flick also has a real lack of nudity (there are at least three sex scenes in this movie, and not once do we get to see anything. No boobs, nothing). And, while it's always great to see Martin fucking Kove in anything, I wish I knew why he's in this movie at all. He has exactly one scene where his character Caleb is caught by Karen Black's Aunt Nelly having sex with a blonde woman. After that we don't see him again. Again, why? And why does the great Vernon "Bennett" Wells (or Plugman from "Circuitry Man" if you prefer) only get one scene?
I think the flick also underuses the great Richard "E.D. Wardo, as in Edward O. Whistler, brother of the late James E" Lynch, who gets killed off way too early. Lynch, who very rarely ever gets to play a non-bad guy, is outstanding as the town coot Old Man Pritchard. He has this great bit where he sells a fake old "Wanted" sign to Axl that's played perfectly. Why couldn't the movie have more of that? At least John Phillip Law and Karen Black get better characters to play, especially Black (her character also gets one of the better "man on fire" scenes in low budget movie history).
The "main" cast is fun. Carrie Bradac and Sean Hines play a great "regular" married couple trying to have a fun weekend together with friends. Stephen Wastell and Sangie are brilliant as a bickering couple from the city who hate the woods, especially Sangie's Tori. I'm surprised that, according to imdb, that this is her only movie role, because she has a great screen presence and is quite funny. Why isn't she on a sitcom or something like that? And Rick Majeske is one of the best douchebags I've ever seen. You just can't wait for him to die. And Elina Madison and Alexandra Ford are superb as hot babes Rox Ann and Eve. Eve looks quite nice in short short jean shorts.
All in all, "Miner's Massacre" is a worthy, watchable low budget slasher effort from a guy who knows how to make a fairly decent movie. As I said, though, I just wish it had more "nasty" stuff in it. A movie like this deserves to be as bloody as possible. Blood and gore and nasty stuff are the audience's friend in something like this.
Thanks, Mr. Buechler. You made a good movie. Now, will there be a sequel?
So what do we have here? A dust explosion, cheap animated opening titles sequence with a "Goonies" type score, a small town out in the middle of nowhere, gratuitous guy measuring stuff for some reason, a Satanic ritual, a great bit where dust covers a skeleton and forms a kind of skin over the skeleton (kind of like "Nightmare on Elm Street 4"), urinating outside, hook to the back, body hanging with a bucket underneath for the blood to drip into, an envelope with a piece of gold in it, gratuitous Richard Lynch, gratuitous Richard Lynch with a nasty looking Amish goatee, talking about an urban legend, selling a moron a fake "Wanted" poster, a jar of old moonshine, throwing crumpled up pieces of paper in slow motion for no reason whatsoever, car sex, implied oral sex, gratuitous old yellow Camaro with a "Rich 1" license plate, watch losing, gratuitous hot chicks wearing half shirts, picture taking, gratuitous John Phillip Law, giving regards, a nifty decapitation, flirting, piecing together an old map, gratuitous music montage featuring the cast walking through the woods, gratuitous farting, gratuitous Karen Black, gratuitous Martin fucking Kove, forehead licking, boiling a severed head in a pot, pickeaxe to the gut, gratuitous Steve Wastell eating a can of Hormel beans, more farting, shitting in the woods with diarhea, a sex montage with no nudity, group paranoia, shooting at a zombie killer, shovel-through-a-windshield-then-through-a-woman's-neck, exploding car, man on fire, gratuitous urban legend story flashback, gratuitous Vernon Wells, pickaxe to the back, gratuitous cheap CGI ghost effects, hand cutting, gratuitous Karen Black on fire, old dynamite, great bit where zombie killer replaces his severed hand with a pickaxe, a box of skulls, pickaxe to the shoulder, another man on fire bit, exploding mine, and a cheap but appropriate ending.
Best lines: "Would you like to chop the onions?," "Want to go on a camping trip?," "You're lost, aren't you?," "City girl, huh?," "Stupid moron," "You're allergic to trees?," "Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them," "I know what you want. A roll in the hay," "You folks from the city?," "I know where there's a real nice lake," "Man, that is some ripe fruit," "What is this, a feminist union meeting?," "Oh, God, who farted?," "That gold has been there a really long time. It's not like it's going anywhere," "That's not the sheriff!," "Go to hell, preacher man!," "God will smite you, Jeremiah Stone! The devil will take you and you will burn in hell!," "Hey, next time you go on a vacation, go without me," "Hey asshole, go to hell!," and "I told you I was a bad ass mail clerk!"
Rating: 7.5/10.0
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here, please send me an e-mail or a message below. I'm always looking for new stuff to watch.
"The Toybox"
Claudine Spiteri- Berenice Usher
Elliott Jordan- Brian Usher
Craig Henderson- Conrad
Suzanne Bertish- Madeline Usher
Heather Chasen- Eleanora Usher
Russell Barnes- Grandpa Alan
Les Dungar- Uncle Reg
Peter Ellis- The Vicar
Alexander Abadzis- Jake the Midfolker
Directed by Paolo Sedassari
Screenplay by Paolo Sedassari
Distributed by Maverick Entertainment
Unrated
Runtime- 81 minutes
Buy it here
"Miner's Massacre"
Carrie Bradac- Claire Berman
Sean Hines- Nick Berman
Stephen Wastell- Axl
Sangie- Tori
Rick Majeske- Hayden
Elina Madison- Rox Ann
Alexandra Ford- Eve
Shadrach Smith- Jared
Karen Black- Aunt Nelly
John Phillip Law- Sheriff Murphy
Richard Lynch- Old Man Prichard
Vernon Wells- Jeremiah Stone
Martin Kove- Caleb
Jeff Conaway- Reverand Sutter
Brad H. Arden- Forty-Niner
Directed by John Carl Buechler
Screenplay by Antonio Olivas
Distributed by DEJ Productions
Rated R for horror violence, sexuality and language
Runtime- 86 minutes
Buy it here
