Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.28.08: The Wicker Man
Posted by Will Helm on 10.28.2008
... or, No, It's Not a Guy Who Works at Pier 1
That's actually his brother, Rattan Man.
In 1973, one of the most highly regarded horror films was released in Britain. Deeply psychological and suspenseful, with notable artistic flourishes, this film is considered by many to be one of the best of the genre: The Wicker Man. Featuring the tale of TV's Equalizer, Edward Woodward, as he searches for a missing girl among an island of Scottish pagans – in the 1970s – led by Christopher Lee, The Wicker Man set a high standard for truly critically acclaimed horror films and is well respected even to this day.
Twenty-three years later, someone – specifically actor Nicolas Cage – decided to update this tale and bring it to American shores. Along the way, a script for a remake of The Wicker Man was fashioned by the film's director, art-house darling Neil LaBute, and the film was made. Unfortunately for all involved, The Wicker Man underperformed in its September, 2006, debut and, eventually, would not even make a profit in its box-office run. Why? Well, perhaps the fact that critics panned the film had something to do with it, with some referring to the film as "an unintentional comedy" or "a future camp classic," among other epithets. Of course, there could be something more than that . . . The Wicker Man could very well be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
To be quite honest, the film wastes no time in annoying me, as it seems to have been produced by half of Hollywood, judging by the inordinate number of title cards before the feature. Seriously; there are the traditional Warner Brothers card, Alcon Entertainment, Millennium Films, Saturn Films – and even a quick mention of Nu Image as well. Not a good start, The Wicker Man; not a good start at all. After all these production companies get their much-deserved due, a tractor trailer drives by a diner, where truckers and cops hang out, probably to hit on a sassy HOT CHICK waitress (Christa Campbell). Of course, this all has no bearing on the plot, as Officer Nicolas Cage – who is also a producer of the film, so maybe he's responsible for one of the annoying production cards – ignores the sassy HOT CHICK waitress because he's just at the diner for a salad. Because when I think of a truck-stop diner, I think of salad.
After his salad – and probably mocking of his masculinity, Officer Nic Cage hits the road on his funky motorcycle and pulls over some guy, as well as a bunch of other people. Evidently he's a bit of an imperious cop, judging by the number of tickets he's giving out. Eventually, Officer Nic Cage watches as a doll flies out of a Family Truckster that hurtles by; Officer Nic Cage, on his motorcycle, leans over and grabs the doll off the street like it's a package of Huggies. Officer Nic Cage, then, pulls over the Family Truckster, probably to write up the driver for littering; instead, Officer Nic Cage merely gives the doll back to the female driver's daughter, who tosses out the window again. Alas, there is karmic justice for this heinous act, as, for no particular reason whatsoever – and I really mean that, a tractor trailer plows into the Family Truckster even though it was on the other side of the road, causing it to explode.
After the conflagration, Officer Nic Cage ends up at home, watching television in a drug-fueled stupor, possibly a side-effect of the traumatic event earlier in the picture . . . or he just imagined it due to the drug-fueled stupor. My vote's on the latter. Anyway, a cop friend of Officer Nic Cage's comes by for a visit and to drop off some mail, but Officer Nic Cage just wants some relaxation . . . until the cop friend reveals that the driver and the little girl in the Family Truckster didn't exist! Huh? Well, I guess he didn't imagine the Family Truckster blowing up, then. Anyway, among the letters from well-wishers, Officer Nic Cage finds a letter from an ex-girlfriend because she needs his help. The problem: her daughter is missing and the daughter just happens to look like the little girl who may or may not have blown up in the Family Truckster. Dum-dum-DUM!
The next day, Officer Nic Cage heads over to the police station to question his buddy about the mysterious letter and he reveals that the writer is actually his ex-fiancée, much to his buddy's surprise. Of course, Officer Nic Cage's buddy, believing in the edict of "bros before hos," tells Officer Nic Cage to chill, but Officer Nic Cage doesn't want to let the issue rest, because otherwise there wouldn't be much of a movie.
Eventually, Officer Nic Cage, who's dressed like a college art-history professor for no particular reason, takes a ferry to somewhere; along the way, Officer Nic Cage hallucinates the little girl standing on the deck of the ferry . . . and then she gets hit by a tractor trailer. On the deck. Of the ferry. Yep. She got pwned. Once Officer Nic Cage reaches his destination, he disembarks the ship and then wanders around the docks until he finds a crotchety pilot who may or may not be heading to Officer Nic Cage's final destination. Either way, Officer Nic Cage isn't going to find out, as the crotchety pilot refuses to bring Officer Nic Cage to the mysterious island where his ex lives. In response, Officer Nic Cage patronizes the crotchety pilot before finally bribing him; the crotchety pilot, ever the capitalist, ends up dropping off Officer Nic Cage in the woods, where he wanders around aimlessly.
After a near-eternity of wandering, Officer Nic Cage finally finds some creepy women standing around in the village; Officer Nic Cage imperiously asks about the whereabouts of the missing girl – even though, rightly, he has no jurisdiction as he's a California cop in Washington state, but the creepy women evade his questions. The creepy women, then get back at Officer Nic Cage by torturing him with a freaky, bleeding bag. Ooh . . . atmospheric. Later, Officer Nic Cage ambles into the village's tavern, where women drink because, according to Officer Nic Cage, "it must be ladies' night." Officer Nic Cage: professional douche. Officer Nic Cage, just because he thinks he can – because he's a cop and no one else is, questions the tavern's obstinate barmaid (Diane Delano), who merely ignores Officer Nic Cage's interrogation and sasses back at him, reminding him that he, indeed, has no jurisdiction over the island.
Luckily for Officer Nic Cage, before the stubborn barmaid can taunt him a second time, Officer Nic Cage's HOT CHICK ex (Kate Beahan) shows up to defuse the situation. The stubborn barmaid then rewards Officer Nic Cage with a tankard of mead . . . which makes him freak out and have a power trip wherein he rudely yells at the patrons of the tavern, much to the stubborn barmaid's chagrin. Later, after Officer Nic Cage calms down, he meets with his HOT CHICK ex in the forest, because this film is due for some exposition. In order to fulfill that requirement, Officer Nic Cage interrogates his HOT CHICK ex, but she responds by getting all weird and philosophical before confessing that she got cold feet and didn't want to marry him back in the day. Officer Nic Cage, senses that the HOT CHICK ex is playing games with him – evidently he doesn't know that BITCHES BE CRAZY – but that inference makes the HOT CHICK ex become deathly serious . . . and then she leaves. OK; that was . . . pointless.
That evening, back at the tavern, Officer Nic Cage spies on some strange goings-on downstairs and then he asks the tavern's janitor, Leelee Sobieski, about some missing self-help tapes. Whatever, movie. That night, Officer Nic Cage has a freaky dream about the little girl once again getting hit by a truck on the deck of the ferry and, this time, disappearing from the back of the Family Truckster. The nightmare, unsurprisingly, awakens Officer Nic Cage, so pops some pills and then sees the little girl running around outside. Hmm . . . I wonder if the two are related. Officer Nic Cage, probably unwisely, goes running after the little girl in a drug-fueled haze. After once again wandering through the forest – which, in any other movie, would be fraught with symbolism, Officer Nic Cage ends up in a barn, which he searches until he finds some fruit and nearly falls through the floor of the loft to his demise. Of course, as that would make the movie far too short, he doesn't die.
The next morning, Officer Nic Cage, probably a bit cranky from his near-death experience – or withdrawal from his medication, complains to Leelee Sobieski about the lack of honey with his breakfast. Apparently, according to Leelee Sobieski, the reason there is no honey is because the honey . . . is cursed! Or something like that. Whatever the reason, it must amuse Leelee Sobieski, as she giggles while saying it. She probably realized just how preposterous this film is and is thinking about the paycheck she's getting for starring in it. If that's the reason, I can't blame her for laughing. After Leelee Sobieski takes her leave, probably to leave Officer Nic Cage a little present in his pancakes, Officer Nic Cage spies some weird photos on the wall and he goes over for a closer look, before being rudely interrupted by the stubborn barmaid, who, surprisingly, provides a little exposition.
A little later, Officer Nic Cage meets with Leelee Sobieski, who's busy chopping wood . . . which is, once again, probably symbolic of something. Rather than complain about his breakfast – since complaining is all he's done since he got to town, Officer Nic Cage inquires about the little girl and Leelee Sobieski once again laughs at him. OK, Leelee, I'm sure the pay is great, but it's not that funny. Unless there's some ganja patches on the island and she's merely stoned out of her gourd. The residents are into "organic farming," after all. Anyway, perhaps to continue this theme of a head trip, Leelee Sobieski answers Officer Nic Cage by confusing him with semantics . . . and then she tells him that she wants to leave with him. Leave where? The island . . . or the movie?
Once again, Officer Nic Cage wanders around the forest until, this time, he finds a parade of pregnant women. Somehow, that leads Officer Nic Cage to a local school, where he interrupts the class and patronizes the teacher (Molly Parker); alas, Officer Nic Cage has this time met his match, as the teacher sasses at Officer Nic Cage with literary references, calling his search for the little girl "quixotic." Ooh . . . big words. Scary. Officer Nic Cage, not happy about being outsmarted by some uppity feminist educator, hijacks the class and yells at the teacher. I guess he figures since he's a man, he can just talk louder and she'll listen. After haranguing the teacher, Officer Nic Cage steals her attendance sheet and learns that the little girl was once a student in the school, even though the teacher said she wasn't! Dum-dum-DUM! After this shocking revelation, the teacher agrees to meet with Officer Nic Cage outside and she gives him a stern talking-to before revealing that the girl may or may not be dead due to a mysterious accident. Well, thanks for clearing up ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, teacher.
Back in the forest, Officer Nic Cage asks for directions . . . from the teacher's EVIL TWIN! Eventually, Officer Nic Cage makes his way to the local graveyard and, once there, he meets with his HOT CHICK ex, but she doesn't help to make the situation any clearer. Thankfully, she does provide some exposition about the churchyard – e.g. "it's really old" -- and then she reveals that the little girl may or may not have brought a curse to the island, ruining its honey crop. So, therefore, Officer Nic Cage has to complain to the little girl about the lack of honey once he finds her. Officer Nic Cage, still curious, asks about the island's leader and namesake – a "Sister Summersisle," and the HOT CHICK ex replies that the leader doesn't like her very much because . . . Officer Nic Cage knocked her up and the little girl is also Officer Nic Cage's daughter! Dum-dum-DUM!
Later, the HOT CHICK ex takes Officer Nic Cage to their daughter's room, where he interrogates the HOT CHICK ex while searching for clues. Before he can complete his search, Officer Nic Cage runs out in search of the crotchety pilot, because he wants to borrow the plane's radio. Unfortunately, once Officer Nic Cage gets to the docks, he finds that the crotchety pilot is missing, so he ends up having a dream that his daughter is under the dock and he dives in to rescue her but that's just a dream because he's actually holding her corpse in his arms on the dock but that's a dream as well! Ooh . . . convoluted. Anyway, all this weirdness causes Officer Nic Cage to pop some more pills and then go swimming; he ends up on the crotchety pilot's plane, but he discovers, much to his alarm, that the radio has been sabotaged!
That afternoon, presumably, Officer Nic Cage goes off to visit the town doctor (Frances Conroy) to ask some questions . . . because she's apparently also the town's photographer. Who knew moonlighting was encouraged on the island? Anyway, once in the doctor's company, Officer Nic Cage surprisingly kindly asks her for a copy of a photo that was missing from the wall of the tavern and the doctor, having only the negative, tells Officer Nic Cage to wait patiently, and then she leaves. After the doctor is away, Officer Nic Cage BREAKS INTO HER HOUSE in search of a copy of the photo, since, unsurprisingly, he doesn't believe the doctor. Inside the bowels of the house, Officer Nic Cage finds bizarre pagan books as well as freaky preserved specimens, and, of course, a copy of the photo . . . and, of course, it's of his daughter, and it's also connected to the worst harvest in the history of the island!
After his big unsurprising discovery, Officer Nic Cage brings the evidence to his HOT CHICK ex and freaks out because he's not proud of the fact that his daughter sucks at fertility. The HOT CHICK ex, because BITCHES BE CRAZY, throws a guilt trip on Officer Nic Cage and they make out, just because. Later, on the road, Officer Nic Cage nearly kills a mute guy by crushing him with logs and then he rides a bike – which somehow appeared out of nowhere over the course of the film; I guess they needed to speed up the "wandering" portions of the action – directly into the village's apiary, which is kind of a bad thing because Officer Nic Cage is allergic to bees. Of course, the presence of the bees makes Officer Nic Cage freak out until he passes out from anaphylactic shock.
As, once more, the movie would be a little too short if Officer Nic Cage died at this point, he awakens – after having another flashback to the Family Truckster incident – in the doctor's care. I guess she forgave him for breaking into her house, which is awfully nice of her. Conveniently, Officer Nic Cage also happens to be at the leader's house, so he gets dressed and stumbles outside, where he finds a middle-aged woman (Ellen Burstyn) chatting with two nubile HOT CHICKS. After they conclude their conversation, the middle-aged woman – the aforementioned "Sister Summersisle" -- turns her attention to Officer Nic Cage. Evidently, because she's the leader of the town, Sister Summersisle doesn't care much about Officer Nic Cage's investigation, so she and Officer Nic Cage trade witty barbs until she invites him – INVITES HIM – to wander around so she can provide exposition. I hate to tell you, Sister Summersisle, but he didn't need an invitation to wander before. Anyway, during their little jaunt, Sister Summersisle rambles on about the Salem witch trials and her ancestors and radical feminism, which Officer Nic Cage doesn't approve of, since he's a man and all men are evil rapists and all that. Perhaps proving that stereotype true, Officer Nic Cage flips out at Sister Summersisle, mainly because he believes there are strange and criminal acts afoot . . . or just because he's a man.
That night, Officer Nic Cage heads over to the graveyard and, while wearing his college-professor suit, digs up his daughter's grave. Inside the grave, he finds, much to his shock and surprise, a doll! Dum-dum-DUM! Unhappy with the quality of this discovery, Officer Nic Cage then decides to break into a nearby crypt, believing his daughter may be there. Alas, once inside the crypt, all he finds is . . . a sweater! So, once again, Officer Nic Cage goes swimming – which, again, is probably symbolic of something – which merely serves to let someone trap him in the crypt. Oh Officer Nic Cage, will you ever learn?
Overnight, Officer Nic Cage once again has a flashback to the Family Truckster and, this time, his cop friend from earlier in the movie turns into bees for no particular reason. The next morning, Officer Nic Cage's HOT CHICK ex rescues him from the crypt and then he shows her the sweater and the doll, because they're surely IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS. Officer Nic Cage, probably totally insane from the strange goings-on or his medication, yells at the HOT CHICK ex because he senses danger and then he runs off to see Sister Summersisle and get to the bottom of all this skullduggery. Strangely, instead of Sister Summersisle, Officer Nic Cage finds a creepy old guy and a naked chick covered in bees in her house; meanwhile, Sister Summersisle chills out in bed, amused by Officer Nic Cage's antics. You aren't the only one, Sister.
Officer Nic Cage, once again, runs out into the forest, where the teacher finds him; after they argue a bit – it's all sexual tension, I'm sure, he pulls his phallic symbol – I mean "gun" – on her and steals her bike. What is he? Five? Officer Nic Cage then goes to the bar and asks the mute men for help in thwarting all these women because their men and that's what they're supposed to do; unfortunately for Officer Nic Cage, the mute men ignore him because they're too busy drinking. And being mute. And probably emasculated. Officer Nic Cage, now a one-man army, starts breaking into houses and accosting little girls; I wonder if Chris Hansen knows about this.
After, through a very convoluted series of events, discovering the dead pilot – but not the Dread Pirate Roberts, Officer Nic Cage stumbles back into the tavern, where one of the creepy ladies from earlier is busy mocking the stubborn barmaid's weight. What a bitch! Anyway, as Officer Nic Cage has interrupted this good-natured ribbing – which probably isn't so good natured because women are like that, the stubborn barmaid sasses at him, but it serves to be her undoing as Officer Nic Cage punches her in the face.
While Officer Nic Cage then rumbles with Leelee Sobieski inside the tavern, Sister Summersisle paints her face and preaches to the rest of the townspeople and they frolic. After Officer Nic Cage subdues Leelee Sobieski – alas, he doesn't have a witty one-liner like "not so funny now" after doing it, he invades the parade of villagers disguised as a bear . . . which looks comically like Late Night's Masturbating Bear, just without the diaper. Anyway, Officer Masturbating Bear finally finds his daughter (Erika-Shaye Gair), who's tied to stake in preparation for a ritual burning. Before any little girls can be roasted, Officer Masturbating Bear breaks away from the parade, punches some random woman, and rescues his daughter, carrying her off – where else? – into the woods. Once there, Officer Masturbating Bear strips off his bear costume in front of his daughter – OK, Chris Hansen really has to get on this case, which apparently causes his daughter to double-cross him as she sells him out to the townspeople and Sister Summersisle, who also just happens to be the HOT CHICK ex's mom!
After the townspeople surround Officer Nic Cage, Sister Summersisle reveals that all the goings-on – except for the Family Truckster incident, which may or may not have happened – was an evil scheme hatched YEARS AGO with the intention of sacrificing Officer Nic Cage, just because. Seriously . . . the HOT CHICK ex was in on it all the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! Talk about convoluted! While Officer Nic Cage freaks out – probably because he's trying to get his brain around the plot; I kind of feel the same way – some of the townspeople tie him down and break his legs. Then, for no reason in particular, they put a birdcage on his head and pour bees inside. Luckily for Officer Nic Cage, the doctor once again saves his life, just so that the townspeople can hoist him into a giant wooden man by his already broken legs . . . which I have trouble believing is possible. Once Officer Nic Cage is safely inside the titular "wicker man," his daughter sets him on fire and there is much rejoicing . . . and a tribute to Johnny Ramone. No, really.
All things considered, I have to admit that The Wicker Man is surely a rarity. It's one of those very uncommon movies that has absolutely no good qualities, but yet it is unbelievably entertaining because of the fact that it has no good qualities. The script, in addition to being highly predictable due to being a remake, features an inordinate amount of nonsensical moments as well as far too much pointless wandering in the woods. There is also, seemingly, a wealth of subtext and symbolism that leads nowhere; the only thing that really pays off is the image of the bees, in that the crowd chants something about Nicolas Cage's character being a "drone," who only serves to impregnate and nothing more. Of course, there's also the swimming and the wandering in the woods – as well as the pills and the Family Truckster incident – to consider . . . even though it seems that the film doesn't. And, of course, that doesn't explain the characterization of Nicolas Cage's Edward Malus as a total jerk with no regard for the rights of those around him. In addition to the awkward and convoluted script, the direction and acting is largely, laughably over the top. In the scene in the schoolhouse, Nicolas Cage points at an empty desk – which he believes belongs to the missing girl – and walks over to it, while awkwardly still pointing at it. And this is just one example of many . . . all of which add up to one heck of a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I leave Horror Movie Mania 2008 behind and nestle comfortably in some kids' fare . . . and Giggly Tits. See you then!
