The 411 Top 5 10.31.08: Week 137

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.31.2008

The Top 5 Least Frightening Horror Villains



Happy Halloween, everyone! And while I know that today is a day that celebrates frights and scares, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the movies that fail so miserably at achieving those very things, with a special Halloween look at:

THE TOP 5 LEAST FRIGHTENING HORROR VILLAINS


Trevor Snyder

5. The Mangler, in The Mangler

I don't know, maybe I just wasn't the right target audience for this killer-laundy-machine movie. I mean, sure, sometimes I consider doing a load of laundry to be a hassle, but I've never found it downright terrifying. I can't imagine anyone working on this movie really thought it was going to be anything but laughable. Hell, the hero of the movie is scarier than the villain, since he's played by Ted Levine. Anytime Levine shows up, there's always a chance you'll have sudden flashbacks of Buffalo Bill, and that's more frightening than any washing machine, no matter how demonic it is.

4. Doctor Evan Rendell (Larry Drake), in Dr. Giggles

I don't think there's really anything you could do to make Larry Drake scary as a homicidal maniac dressed in a doctor's uniform. But I'll tell you one thing - calling him "Dr. Giggles" sure ain't helping matters. Talk about sinking a movie right off the bat. I don't think anyone could take this film seriously after hearing that title. It's really no surprise, then, that this didn't spawn a franchise, but at least the name lives on as a favorite in-joke for horror fans.

3. Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald), in Jack Frost

No, I'm not talking about the heartwarming Michael Keaton movie - because that movie actually is kinda scary, in its own special way. No, this Jack Frost is a giant killer snowman. Yes, it really is as amazing as it sounds. When a villain can be defeated by hair dryers, you know you're not dealing with the scariest killer around. Still, how do you think Dr. Giggles feels about the fact that Jack Frost actually did get a sequel? That's gotta sting a little.

2. Mitch Hansen (Michael Rogen), in Doom Asylum

I was only recently introduced to this 1987 piece of slasher brilliance, and was an instant fan. I'd call it a "forgotten" masterpiece, but for something to be "forgotten" it needs to have been noticed in the first place, which I'm fairly sure was never the case here. Let me be clear - it's an absolutely horrible movie, but it's so unbelievably bad that it eventually transcends into greatness. A lot of that can be credited to the film's villain, Mitch Hansen. Right off the bat, let us consider the fact that he doesn't even have a cool, scary nickname. You can't have a villain just named "Mitch!" But this one does - Mitch is involved in a car accident, and then we see his autopsy. For some reason, the wounds on his body in no way match the wounds we saw him have directly after the accident, but whatever. Mitch wakes up on the autopsy table, kills the coroner, and then for reasons never really explained proceeds to stay and haunt the hospital from them on, killing any kids stupid enough to wander into the building. With his lame one-liners and a laugh that makes him sound like Muttley from Wacky Races, Mitch is quite the character to behold. He might be lame, but he does get to off Sex & The City's Kristin Davis, in one of her first roles. So at least he has a little bit of historical cred.

1. Leprechaun (Warwick Davis), in Leprechaun

All things considered, the makers of Leprechaun probably would have been better off just having Warwick Davis play himself as the villain. Right or wrong, I think more people are creeped out by just regular little people than they are by the guy on the Lucky Charms box. Still, you have to give Leprechaun some credit. He might not be scary, but he sure is tough. Not only did he eventually take his killing spree to space, but he even visited "the hood"...twice! That's some pretty big balls for such a tiny dude.



Owain J. Brimfield

HONORABLE MENTION

The midget (Don't Look Now) - I'm sorry. It's a midget. They crack me up.

THE TOP 5

5. Millard Findlemeyer (The Gingerdead Man)

Gary Busey as a demonic gingerbread man? You'd think it would be brilliant, especially with a title as pun-tastic as that, but it's pretty disappointing. Turns out that evil confectionery is about as lame as it sounds, and even the magic of wacky Busey (whose cameo in Scrubs, which I saw again earlier today as a matter of fact, remains one of the most surreal and amusing in sitcom history) can't save this from being a pathetic attempt at a horror movie. It's probably a massive cult hit somewhere, though, and certainly worth a watch for a night of MST3K-style mocking.

4. Santa (Santa's Slay)

Bill Goldberg (yes, that Goldberg) as an evil Santa? It almost works - after all the man is pretty physically imposing - but then he opens his mouth and it all falls apart, as you realise that all we have is an ex-wrestler dressed up like Saint Nick, making a poor effort at scaring the young kiddywinks. Goldberg's acting ability (or lack thereof) certainly rivals Hogan's, and when your movie's title can't even muster a pun that would make a child chuckle you know you have some form of excrement on your hands. It's not as shitty as number two on the list, though.

3. Jobe Smith (The Lawnmower Man)

A retarded virtual reality gardener? Oh yes, it's as poor as it sounds. For some reason I seem to remember Lawnmower Man actually doing pretty well for itself, or at the very least not being as universally panned as the other Z-movies on this list. Certainly, however, there was very, very little appeal in the film's primary antagonist Jobe. I mean really, a dumb gardener who acquires telekinetic powers and uses them to gain revenge on those who tormented him? Maybe it's not a pure horror film, but for sheer lameness it deserves its entry here.

2. The bad guy from Monsturd

A serial killer mutated in the sewers into demonic poo? A fantastic idea, but sloppy execution. The film is best summed up in the scene where the little girl tries to warn her dad about the dangerous doo-doo that will come to get him if he pays a vist to the crapper. Highly amusing, on a lowbrow level at least, certainly. Horrific? Only in a certain sense of the word. But very definitely, defiantly un-scary. Still, full points for the film's tongue-in-cheek title, which has since become a favourite item of slang when I need to describe a particularly hefty deposit to the brown bank.

1. The Mangler (The Mangler)

A... mangler? Well, yes, it's a possessed mangler, but still, that's almost the exact opposite of what a horror movie should attempt - making your main villain an inanimate object? Just awful. Thankfully, very few people have actually seen The Mangler, so hopefully its laughably silly attempt at presenting a straight-up horror film featuring the least intimidating baddie in movie history can be consigned to the bargain bin of history where it belongs.



Bryan Kristopowitz

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Dr. Evan Rendell/Dr. Giggles (Larry Drake), in Dr. Giggles (1992): Now, as much as I like Larry Drake as an actor and how much I like the idea of Drake playing a slasher killer like Giggles, the resulting performance (and movie) is just ridiculous. Drake isn't intimidating at all. Perhaps had the flick not been "funny" it would have been more successful. But that wasn't the result, was it? No. It's too bad, because, had the movie been better, Larry Drake would be working on Dr. Giggles part 15 by now.

The Killbots, from Chopping Mall (1986): I love Chopping Mall. Absolutely love it. It's one of director Jim Wynorski's best efforts behind the camera, and the flick, as a whole, is a whole heap of cheesy B-movie fun. However, the killer mall security robots that go after the sex starved, hip and edgy young people aren't all that scary. Wynorski and company try very hard to make the robots scary, and they almost succeed. Almost. One of the robots does blow up a woman's head and we do get to see it, but that's about as scary and nasty as it gets. Maybe if we saw the Killbots ripping people apart they would have been scarier.

Green Goblin Mack Truck, from Maximum Overdrive (1986): I love this movie, too, even if it is incredibly stupid. Written and directed by big, fat Stephen King, it features a mesmerizing, terrifying first forty or so minutes of machines and appliances "turning" on their human masters and taking over the world. The "leader" of the "evil" machines in the main story, a big ass Mack truck with a Green Goblin face on the front of it, is incredibly creepy during that period of the movie. However, the longer the movie goes on, the worse it gets for all involved, including Green Goblin. Instead of mowing people down and causing and directing all kinds of havoc, Green Goblin just drives around the outside of the diner where Emilio Estevez and Pat Hingle are holed up acting like asshole hicks. That just ain't scary, man. It's just lame. Now, if you isolate that final scene where the Green Goblin smacks into that guy who steals the dead woman's ring, it's dang scary, but if you take it as it appears in the context of the movie, it's just a lame monster doing another lame thing at the end of an increasingly lame movie (a lame movie that I do like, but a lame movie nonetheless).

THE TOP 5

5. The Creeper (Jonathan Breck), in Jeepers Creepers (2001)

I'll admit that the general look of the Creeper creature is pretty dang cool. However, when that "cool" looking creature, for reasons that still baffle me, freaking whistles the "Jeepers Creepers" song, it doesn't really matter anymore how "cool" or "nasty" or "awesome" the Creeper creature looks. The Creeper creature becomes, at that very second, a goddamn joke. And for a movie with the atmosphere that writer-director-pedophile Victor Salva generates, having your bad guy villain killer creature acting like a buffoon, well, just takes the audience out of the movie. That's what happened to me.

4. Maximillian (Eddie Murphy), in Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)

The basic problem with Eddie Murphy's Maximillian character is that it, like the movie as a whole, is incredibly uneven. I still don't know if we're supposed to be amused with the Maximillian character ot terrified or both. It just doesn't work. Perhaps had Murphy and director Wes Craven come to a better understanding of what the movie was supposed to specifically be about in terms of tone, maybe Maximillian would have worked. But, as it stands, Maximillian is just a boring, uncharismatic vampire and, for a vampire movie, even a vampire comedy, that's just cinematic death.

3. Brenda Bates (Rebecca Gayheart), in Urban Legend (1998)

I didn't like this movie (I did kind of like the sequel, but even that movie isn't all that great) mostly because I couldn't believe that Gayheart's Brenda character was the killer. In my mind, having her as the parka wearing butcher that does away with everyone is, was, and always will be farfetched, even for a slasher movie. I guess we should be a tad thankful, though, because the killer could have ended up being Tara Reid. I'm sure that would have made sense.


2. Rachael Newman (Mila Kunis), in American Psycho 2: All American Girl (2002)

As I said in my review of Max Payne, it's very difficult to believe that Mila Kunis, Jackie from That 70's Show, could ever be a bad ass killer, or really a bad ass anything. In this pseudo comedy pseudo sequel to the great Christian Bale starring American Psycho, Kunis plays one of the least convincing serial killers in movie history. She manages to kill all of these people and steal identities without anyone finding out? Please. Director Morgan J. Freeman probably should have strived to make a straight up "serious" slasher movie sequel to the first flick, perhaps then Kunis could have been creepy. Kunis makes Pamela Springsteen's Angela Baker in Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers look like Anthony Hopkins playing Hannibal Lecter. I will say that Kunis has "hypnotic" eyes that, under the right direction (and in the right movie) could be very scary. Could be.

1. Marty Sickle (Paul Cagney), in The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

The Slaughterhouse Massacre is easily one of the worst slasher movies ever made, if not the worst. Bad direction, bad acting, bad damn near everything kill what could have, maybe, been a fairly okay little lame slasher movie. The flick's killer, Marty Sickle, as played by the director Paul Gagne (listed in the credits as Cagney for some reason), is such a boring character that, once you survive watching the movie, you forget what he looks like and what his background story is. Sickle is such a bad character that you actually instinctively block him out of your mind for fear that any memory, no matter how small, could severely damage your brain. And I'm having that problem right at this very moment. I can't remember what Sickle looks like. Just awful, awful stuff all around.



Jeremy Thomas

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Plates (Warwick Davis) in Skinned Deep (2004) – A horror villain named Plates, in a movie called Skinned Deep? And played by Warwick "Leprechaun" Davis nonetheless? You'd think there would be a hell of a lot of potential here. However, you're too busy laughing your ass off to be remotely scared. To summarize Plates for you (I'll get into Skinned Deep) more below, he's a white-fingernailed midget who kills people by throwing plates at them. You heard me. Thus, his name. If you can find something scary about that, more power to you.

Castillo (David Palffy) in House of the Dead (2003) – I know, I know, it's easy to pick on Uwe Boll films. But there's no denying that the mastermind villain behind the zombies of House of the Dead isn't scary…he's just plain sad. In fact, one of the people he kills comes back for the direct-to-DVD sequel, fully alive. How can you possibly be frightening if you can't even kill people right?

Thomas (Wes Bentley) in P2 (2007) – Wes Bentley is a terrific actor, but his psychotic security guard Thomas, who traps Rachel Nichols's character in a parking garage over Christmas and torments her, isn't one of his best roles by a long shot. When Bentley hams it up in order to try and make Thomas more menacing then the gods-awful script allows him to be, it just makes the character pathetic and laughable.

THE TOP 5

5. The sheep in Black Sheep (2007)

If you haven't seen Black Sheep, then you should. It is one of the funnier horror films out there. I don't know, in Montana or New Zealand (where it was made) this might be an utterly terrifying film, but I couldn't take the idea of killer genetically-engineered sheep seriously, and the film clearly never intended such. When the sheep start turning people into were-sheep, you can't help but start rolling. Now, I realize this is horror comedy and that gives it a pass—this is why Black Sheep isn't #2. But some of the best horror comedies have villains that are still scary (See Slither, Gremlins). These sheep? Not at all.

4. Doctor Even Rendell Jr. (Larry Drake) in Dr. Giggles (1992)

Dr. Giggles isn't the worst horror film of all time, but it's pretty close. It was also, sadly, filmed in my hometown, and one of my current co-workers was an extra in one of the scenes. This is my shame. Anyway, Dr. Giggles is a terrible film made worse by Larry David's performance as the titular character. There's just nothing remotely scary about him.

3. Richard Fenton (Jonathan Schaech) in Prom Night (2008)

Speaking of one of the worst horror films of all-time…there was nothing redeeming about this insipid remake of the 1980 classic slasher film, and one of the most painful things about it was watching Jonathan Schaech lumber about on screen in a baseball hat and an expressionless sort of portrayal. It's practically like he thought the film-makers were going to digitize a mask on him—which now that I think of it, may have made obsessed psycho teacher-turned asylum escapee Richard more frightening. As it is, it's dull, lifeless and painful to watch, just like its villain.

2. Creator (Bill Corso) in Skinned Deep (2004)

Yes, I promised more Skinned Deep, and here you have it. The plot of the movie is simple—take Texas Chainsaw Massacre, make the mutant family bizarre to the point of ridiculous, and include a full-frontal nude scene of gentle mutant Brain (so named because he has a giant brain) running joyously through the middle of Times Square in a scene that was filmed without warning anyone. That's right, they actually had the actor run naked through the middle of Times Square, during rush hour no less, to film this scene. Anyway, the ultimate payoff of the mastermind behind the family is Creator. Creator, voiced by Bill Corso (a makeup artist who's worked on films like X-Men: The Last Stand, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Enchanted), is a headless muscle man with dynamite underneath his loin cloth. Need I really say more?

1. The Plants and The Wind in The Happening (2008)

There are people out there that like The Happening. I don't understand them. The M. Night Shyamalan horror film was one of the worst films to come out this year, without exception, and a large portion of that is because the villain—plants that exude an airborne toxin and the wind that carries the toxin across the country—isn't scary. Perhaps what people under the toxin's effects do is disturbing, but the actually villain itself is, in a very literal fashion, plants blowing in the wind. And Shyamalan makes sure we know this by showing the plants blowing again. And again. And again, and again, and again. I'm sorry, but after the second or third time, I couldn't even take it remotely seriously and just started laughing. OH NO! THE WIND IS COMING…RUN! It's one of the most ridiculous villain ideas in the history of cinema, or at the very least it's filmed in the most ridiculous and non-frightening way of any movie ever. If anyone can find a justifiable way of saying "Whooosh…." is scary, then you deserve an award. Try again, M. Night.



Shawn S. Lealos

5. The Laundry Machine in The Mangler

As most of you know, I directed one of the Stephen King "Dollar Babies" and have a huge soft spot for anything concerning King's work. However, I can't understand why anyone would want to make a film based on this short story. There is nothing inherently scary whatsoever about this machine and the only thing that makes the movie worth watching at all is the acting of Robert Englund. Actually, it is always nice to see Ted Levine as well. But that machine - give me a break.

4. The 50-Foot Woman in Attack of the 50-Foot Woman

I don't care if you are talking about the original movie with Allison Hayes or the remake with Daryl Hannah, this woman doesn't appear to pose a real danger or ever do any true damage throughout the film. She tears off the roofs of a few buildings, but that isn't any real threat.

3. Leprechaun in Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood

The Leprechaun was at one time scary, I suppose. However, once he reached this film, it almost completely turned off the horror and slipped comfortably into camp humor. Too bad the humor was not funny and the horror was not scary at all. This was the death knoll for the "vertically challenged" creature and any scares he ever posed were dead along with him.

2. Ape in A*P*E

Are you someone who thought King Kong in the abysmal 70s remake was too realistic looking? I present to you the 1976 horror film A*P*E. It was pretty funny when the ads for A*P*E made sure to point out to people this movie should not be confused with King Kong, which was released the same year. In A*P*E, the 36 FOOT TALL MONSTER lumbered around miniature fake sets in a costume that looked like it was designed in a high school home economics class. It is bad enough that the monkey looks like a fat man in a bad suit but when it throws around matchbox cars and tears down cardboard buildings, you have one of the most unintentionally funny horror movies you could hope to see.

1. The Lepus in Night of the Lepus

The killer monsters in the horrible 1972 horror movie Night of the Lepus were bunnies. Basically, the movie takes a number of cute little wildlife creatures who happen to hunger for human flesh. Wanna know how they created the monsters? They took cute little pet store bunnies and had them run around miniature sets. If you want an evil rabbit, look to Monty Python for a scary version of a man eating rabbit. If you want to see a complete joke of a horror baddie, look to the Lepus. Fear the Bunnies!



Rick Tym

5. Any antagonist in a Sci-Fi original movie (early 1990s-present)

Mansquitos. Ice spiders. Cousins of the Anaconda. Giant homicidal pterodactyls. You know them, you may love them or hate them, but damn if the Sci Fi channel doesn't pump these beauties out at an impressive rate. Cheesy and far from horrifying, often lacking any of the uniqueness promised by the "Sci Fi Original" moniker, if you don't catch them during the network premiere rest assured you'll have many opportunities to check them out, usually during marathons or late at night in between showings of Doctor Who while you're waiting for Battlestar Gallactica to get up off its lazy ass and finally show up with that last half-season you've been waiting for. My only regret was never seeing Ice Spiders despite my many attempts to; I often see it on the Blockbuster shelf and still maintain that no matter what the end result, the concept of giant arachnids terrorizing people at a West Virginia ski resort is simply genius. But scary? Nah.

4. The Children of the Corn (1984-2001)

As many of you know, I am a Stephen King homer. Well, when you're like me you take a lot of the bad that comes with the good in terms of King's film adaptations. The original story scared the bejesus out of me when I read it in Night Shift, but neither the original nor any of its sequels (theatrical or direct-to-video) truly captured the horror of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. I know those little red-headed Amish-wannabe bastards are supposed to be terrifying, but I can't get over their depiction in the movies, where all I could think of was how I would drop back twenty yards and punt them all back into the corn fields. I think that about covers my thoughts on the kids of the kernel.

3. The flying Piranha in James Cameron's Piranha 2: The Spawning (1981)

I saw Piranha at a young, impressionable age and was terrified by the thought of the water I was swimming in turning blood-red as these little suckers chomped on my flesh. As I grew older I appreciated the film for what it was, more of a horror-comedy that has gained cult status as a parody of Stephen Spielberg's Jaws. So in that respect the sequel was a success, as it expounded upon the silly premise of the original, allowing the mutated tilapia to take to the air. Even James Cameron has called it the best "flying killer fish horror comedy" ever made. Relegated to the "so bad it's good" annals of horror history, Piranha 2: The Spawning is fondly remembered if only for being the proving ground of then-first-time director Cameron, who was subsequently deemed worthy enough to helm a little flick known as The Terminator. Harmless and quirky and featuring the commitment to material that only the great Lance Henrikson can bring to any production, these flying fish can now be safely laughed at by audiences, even as the inevitable remake comes rolling down the pike. Unless, of course, the viewers are impressionable youngsters.

2. The Leprechaun in the Leprechaun movies (1993-2003)

Someone must have been very clever to get these films and this character green-lit instead of the series being banned to the land of Sci Fi original films mentioned above. He's terrorized a young Jennifer Anniston, been to the hood and even outer space. I know there are many fans of the little green guy out there, and I'm in no way trying to disrespect what is surely a beloved franchise to them. But to me he has simply never been scary, and it seems as if directors and producers caught on as the films devolved from attempting to be legitimately scary to the realm of horror-comedy. However, the Leprechaun will always have a place in my heart simply because of the way Garth is terrified of Wayne's impression of him, complete with scary flashlight-lit face, in the Wayne's World universe.

1. Rob Zombie's incarnation of Michael Myers (2007)

After reading J.D. Dunn's recent Rob Zombie's Halloween review (included in his excellent 31 Years, 31 Screams feature—check it out if you haven't done so already) I almost, I repeat almost, changed my mind. I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for this in the comments section but damn it, I don't care. Michael Myers was not and never will be a little boy who was misunderstood and could have used some Ritalin. He did not make his decision to kill at a young age while "Love Hurts" played somewhere in the October night air. And he was never, ever, a hulking monster whose speed defied the very laws of nature. (Strength, maybe. But not speed.) Yes, I am using ridiculous examples to support my views, but none are more ridiculous than those spewed forth by Zombie in his remake. If it had been an original creation rather than a remake or homage or whatever you want to justify it as, then I could've appreciated the character for what it was. For me, Michael will always be the white-faced Shape stalking babysitters in the shadows, a creature with no rhyme or reason needed save that he is, pure and simply, evil. He wasn't even supposed to have the justification of a long-lost sister until John Carpenter was cajoled into writing a sequel by the studios. And he sure as hell wasn't supposed to be re-imagined into a generic, cookie-cutter superhuman slasher in a film devoid of all the atmosphere and charm of the original. It was bad enough when Busta Rhymes used his magic kung-fu powers to make him look like a bitch in Halloween: Resurrection. Because of Zombie's film I hold my DVD copy of John Carpenter's Halloween close to my chest and mutter incomprehensibly at the audacity of this remake and the state of horror in general, and pray that it never truly affects the legend of Michael Myers, a true horror icon, who was reduced to near-laughable status as he plowed his way through plywood doors and ceilings in an inferior attempt to cash in on his name.

But will I see the inevitable sequel? Probably. That's the state of horror and being a fan these days. I will gladly eat my words if further attempts can get it right. Until then, enjoy whatever floats your particular horror boat, and Happy Halloween!

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