Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.04.08: Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

Posted by Will Helm on 11.04.2008

...or, I Think a Word That Rhymes with “Kitties” May Be More Appropriate

I feel bad. It's been an awfully rough year for one of my favorite – hehe – actresses, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I lovingly refer to as "Giggly Tits." After years of being a HOT CHICK either in movies or on television, last November, some not-so-flattering pictures of her frolicking with her betrothed on some faraway beach appeared in gossip rags and on the Internets and the overwhelming response was "OMGZ~! U R TEH FATZ~!" Though I heartily beg to differ – curves on a woman? Perish the though! – to most of the avid gossiping public, Jennifer Love Hewitt was no longer "Giggly Tits," but "Giggly Fats." Or even "Jiggly Thighs" . . . which only serves to remind me of a Pokemon. Jigglypuff FTW~!

Since then, the lovely Ms. Giggly Tits has been struggling to convince people that she's not "TEH FATZ," from posing for quite nice pictures in Us magazine to defending herself on her website. Of course, all those protestations don't explain why, at this year's Emmy awards ceremony, Ms. Giggly Tits appeared to present an award while looking a little . . . slimmer. OK, significantly, sadly, disappointingly slimmer. So much so that I'm surprised the Internet didn't once again explode with comments such as "OMGZ~! U R TEH ANOREXIX~!" Thank you for ruining another woman's body image, Internet.

As one of Ms. Giggly Tits' biggest admirers – but not in the creepy Misery way, I feel that it is my duty to cheer her up . . . by FINALLY inducting her into the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame! Of course, by now, I'm sure most know her biography: born in Waco, Texas, in February of 1979; started her career on Kids Incorporated, which, thankfully didn't fall victim to any options-backdating scandals; first came to HOT CHICK prominence in the teen drama Party of Five; broke out on her own as the amply endowed lead character in the I Know What You Did Last Summer series; and a series of Misunderstood Masterpieces and The Ghost Whisperer continue on to this day. Of course, I cannot think of a more fitting induction film for Ms. Giggly Tits than another sequel to a prior entry here at Misunderstood Masterpieces: Garfield. Now, not only was this sequel, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, a disappointment at the domestic box office – like so many Misunderstood Masterpieces before it – but it also features the talents of another Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Famer, so it is apropos that this be Ms. Giggly Tits induction . . . but is the film worthy itself? Let's find out!

In a storybook world of felt and watercolors, famous cartoon cat Garfield inserts himself into nursery rhymes and fairy tales . . . and then England happens. How do I know it's England? For one, there's castles everywhere, since that's all that England is; in addition, the helpful voice-over guy tells me so. Thanks for backing me up, helpful voice-over guy. Anyway, according to the helpful voice-over guy, somewhere in England, at one of the many, many manors dotting the countryside, there lives a cat named Prince – whose voice sounds awfully familiar – who is doted on by a stereotypical British butler (Ian Abercrombie, who has made a living out of playing stereotypical British butlers). After the stereotypical British butler feeds Prince, Prince then gets a massage and relieves himself into a silver bowl, though not at the same time.

Meanwhile, in America, lovable American allegory/cat Garfield (Bill Murray) performs an expository monologue for the audience that somehow he knows exists and then Jon Arbuckle (Brecken Meyer) asks Garfield to marry him. Maybe he doesn't want to lose Garfield; its obvious what would happen if that were to occur. Of course, Garfield is confused by Jon's descent into bestiality, but it's all a humorous misunderstanding, as Jon is merely asking a picture of his girlfriend Liz (Giggly Tits) to marry him. OK, so he's not going to marry his cat, but he does want to marry a picture? Now I know where this Japanese guy got the idea.

Garfield, perhaps to snap Jon out of his amorous trance, performs an impromptu and pointless musical number, but that only serves to enrage Jon, because he doesn't want Garfield's shenanigans ruining his chances with Liz . . . or Liz's picture. It's still not clear which he's really in love with. Either way, Jon has a choice to make, as Liz arrives at the door for dinner and a little betrothal . . . or Jon is planning on confessing that he's actually in love with Liz's picture, mainly because it doesn't complain when he forgets to take out the trash and doesn't gag when he gives her a facial.

Unfortunately for Jon, before he can confess his feelings for the picture, Liz tells him that she's leaving him . . . to go to a conference in London. Hmm . . . I wonder if this will have anything to do with the beginning of the movie? While Jon congratulates Liz for being upwardly mobile and more successful than he is – since he doesn't seem to have a job, Garfield takes the time to sabotage Jon's plans for the evening, specifically by stealing Liz's engagement ring and eating a whole turkey. Which is an awfully odd juxtaposition of events. After Jon bumbles around looking for the ring, Liz takes her leave, disappointed in Jon's foolishness. Then, though Garfield's actions nearly send Jon into yet another depressive funk, he cheers himself with the bright idea to follow Liz to England and get engaged to her there! Or he's secretly stalking her, but just states that plans out loud in case Garfield can testify against him in court.

Along the way to London, Jon takes Garfield and Odie – Jon's adorably dimwitted dog, to the local kennel, where Garfield immediately stages a prison riot until he finally has a JAILBREAK! AC/DC would be so proud. After escaping the clutches of the evil kennel, Garfield, with Odie in tow, breaks into Jon's car and they throw his clothes out the window as they're stowing away in his luggage. Meanwhile, back in England, Billy Connolly goes swimming, but freaks out when a duck attacks him in the pool. Billy Connolly then complains about it to the stereotypical British butler and then he schemes to inherit the manor, as he is the deceased owner's last living heir. Of course, that doesn't stop his crazy old British aunt – the deceased – from leaving the estate to her cat, Prince. Billy Connolly, being a scheming villain, then plans to kill Prince so that he can finally garner his rightful inheritance. Dum-dum-DUM!

Sometime later, at the manor, tourists take pictures and insult Billy Connolly because they're all obsessed with Prince. Meanwhile, all of the animals on the property hold a Parliament for Prince, as he is their new lord. Prince, being an enlightened despot, allows the animals to stay before confiding in his bulldog Chancellor (Bob Hoskins), who believes that an evil plot is afoot. Of course, the bulldog Chancellor turns out to be prescient, as Billy Connolly, moments later, kidnaps Prince and throws him in a river, which remarkably leads directly to London. Well, that's convenient.

In London, Jon rides a cab to the hotel and, once there, he bonds with his overly complimentary bellhop; maybe he's hitting on Jon or something. Alas, the bellhop's advances are thwarted when Jon has him deliver a letter and a rose to Liz, who appears in Jon's room not long after. Though Liz is elated that Jon is there, the moment is once again spoiled by the appearance of Garfield and Odie, who stage another JAILBREAK, this time from Jon's luggage. While Odie does whatever it is that Odie does, Garfield tours the room and then plays in the bidet, which is all due to the ancient film-making axiom that Americans + bidets = hilarity.

Back at the manor, a ferret reports to Parliament and then a parrot – shockingly not named "Cromwell" – attempts to usurp Prince. Luckily for an absent Prince, his bulldog Chancellor is on hand to keep order and quell any sedition. At the hotel, Jon and Liz giggle together on the bed – though fully clothed, perverts – while Garfield tortures Odie as per his particular idiom. Then, after Jon and Liz are finished giggling, they abandon Garfield and Odie in the room so that they can sightsee in London . . . and probably be Philistine tourists as well.

At the manor, the stereotypical British butler searches for the cat, but he only finds Billy Connolly, who's occupying himself and trying to seem innocent by shooting skeet. One would think that, to keep up a façade of innocence, the last thing someone would want to do is be caught with a gun in his hand. Then again, I'm not an evil genius, so maybe I don't know such things. Yet again at the hotel, Garfield watches television and then he plans another JAILBREAK, this time out of the hotel room. Of course, since there wouldn't be much of a movie if he didn't succeed, Garfield, once again with Odie in tow, end up all over London and, once there, watch the Queen's Corgis before Odie urinates on one of the royal guardsmen, just because he's an uncouth American tourist and that's what uncouth American tourists do. Those royal guardsmen must spend a fortune on dry cleaning, in that case. Moments later, through a convoluted series of events, the stereotypical British butler finds Garfield and kidnaps him, plying his affections with a mince pie.

Oh . . . I guess it was probably important to mention that Garfield and Prince are completely identical. Sorry about that.

Nary a moment after, Prince climbs up out of the sewer to join Odie on the street and questions the dog as to just what's going on, but, unlike every other animal in the film, Odie doesn't talk. That kind of bothers me. Anyway, things turn from bad to worse for Prince as, out of nowhere, Jon and Liz show up to kidnap him and take him and Odie back to the hotel with them. Once again at the manor, Billy Connolly calls his lawyer (Roger Rees) and tells him that Prince is missing, meaning that Billy Connolly is most likely now the sole inheritor of the manor. The lawyer, knowing just what a rake Billy Connolly is, suspects skullduggery, but Billy Connolly bullies him into submission. Of course, in addition to killing off Prince, Billy Connolly also has a grander scheme afoot: he wants to convert the estate into a resort and spa and, in the process, evict all the animals!

After the stereotypical British butler arrives at the manor with Garfield, the bulldog Chancellor – believing that Garfield is Prince – explains to Garfield what's been going on at the manor and has Garfield address Parliament . . . and, strangely, Garfield responds by doing stand-up before wandering off moments later. The bulldog Chancellor, sensing that Garfield may serve a purpose after all, proposes to the rest of the animals that they use Garfield as a decoy to protect Prince's interests and hold Billy Connolly at bay. Well played, bulldog Chancellor; well played, indeed.

At the hotel, Jon talks to an uppity Prince but gives up after a few moments; Prince then tries to bond with Odie, but that doesn't work too well because, even though Garfield is a most abusive housemate, Odie is still loyal to him. It's like an animal version of the Stockholm Syndrome. At the manor, the bulldog Chancellor lies to Garfield and convinces him that he's actually a royal heir, in Prince's stead. Garfield, disturbingly, is immediately drunk with power, as he orders the bulldog Chancellor to perform preposterous tricks before farting in his face. The remarkably patient bulldog Chancellor then gives Garfield a tour of the kitchen, which convinces Garfield to play the part of Prince for the duration of the animal's plot . . . and causes a musical number to break out in which Garfield nearly kills the stereotypical British butler via exhaustion.

Later, Billy Connolly hits on a HOT CHICK real-estate developer (Shaun of the Dead and The Office's Lucy Davis) until he sees Garfield and freaks out because he believes that Prince is back for REVENGE! Billy Connolly, after ushering the HOT CHICK real-estate developer from the premises, then interrogates the stereotypical British butler about the strange appearance of this new Prince. Elsewhere, Garfield, still drunk with power, tells the bulldog Chancellor that he wants to have some fun, so he starts breaking Ming vases and marble statues, which, through a convoluted series of events, attack Billy Connolly. And then a duck and a rabbit mess with him, just to add insult to injury.

After making sure that Billy Connolly is thoroughly insulted, the rabbit and the duck then report to the bulldog Chancellor, who fills in Garfield as to the goings-on at the manor. Unfortunately for the bulldog Chancellor, Garfield and Billy Connolly must be cut of the same cloth, as Garfield is busy trying to convert the manor into a pub . . . complete with Foosball! As this defies their sensibilities, Parliament plots against Garfield, but the bulldog Chancellor keeps order, as Garfield is only going mad and he doesn't want to spoil the charade.

While Parliament debates the fate of Garfield, Billy Connolly feeds a pillow to a Rottweiler (Vinnie Jones . . . he's Juggernaut, bitch!) and then he sets the dog loose in the house. Of course, the bulldog Chancellor, being wise and worldly, thwarts Billy Connolly's evil plan by using a pair of pants – preposterously provided by a pig and alliteration – to reprogram the Rottweiler to attack Billy Connolly, who's busy wearing a pimp suit and ordering around the stereotypical British butler. I'm sure the Rottweiler attack amused the stereotypical British butler; he may have even cracked a slight smirk. Maybe. Stereotypical British butlers are stereotypically unflappable, after all.

That evening, at a London pub, football fans chant while Jon and Liz unintentionally make Prince addicted to lasagna. Somehow, this addiction changes Prince immediately into a lout, which ruins the mood as Jon tries to hook up with Liz. Meanwhile, at the manor, Garfield complains about British food, so he forces Parliament and the bulldog Chancellor to cook him lasagna. Wow . . . it's almost as if Garfield and Prince share a psychic link or something. Where have I seen that before? While a ferret gets drunk, Garfield protests Parliament's cooking techniques, so he schools them by pontificating about the Awesome Power of Lasagna™ and then a musical number breaks out once more, after which all the animals get addicted to lasagna, which causes a near-riot over the last piece.

Back at the hotel, Odie watches darts while Prince complains about being fat and lazy, even though he's probably most troubled by now being a commoner. Meanwhile, Liz has to go on a tour – conveniently of the manor – without Jon, which leads to Prince falling out a window and hitching a ride on a ship on the Thames. Meanwhile, at the manor, the stereotypical British butler chills champagne while Billy Connolly hits on the HOT CHICK real-estate developer while using construction analogies. Ooh . . . romantic. Meanwhile, much to Billy Connolly's chagrin, Garfield holds a pool party for Parliament, probably to get back into their good graces. It's apparently successful, as well, as pigs then attack Billy Connolly for no particular reason other than he's Billy Connolly.

In London, Jon reports that Garfield – or Prince – is missing to Scotland Yard, but they mock him. They're probably too busy with those damned Ripper murders anyway. At the manor, Billy Connolly tries to retrain the Rottweiler to attack Garfield, but the stereotypical British butler interrupts, causing Billy Connolly to order the stereotypical British butler on an unscheduled vacation. I guess, for the stereotypical British butler, that means he can stay in a different room of the house for a week. Back in London, Odie shows Jon an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT, wherein Jon learns that Garfield and Prince are dopplegangers and Prince's residence just happens to be the manor that Liz is touring! Plot contrivance: ask for it by name!

At the aforementioned manor, Garfield overhears the bulldog Chancellor arguing with the parrot and he learns that the parrot believes him to be a buffoon, which sends Garfield into a spiral of despair in which he hallucinates Jon in paintings. Later, he'll cut himself and blog about it on MySpace. Elsewhere, Billy Connolly addresses Liz's tour group and then he, being a man and evil, hits on Liz like a creepy old guy. Garfield, conveniently, overhears Billy Connolly's ham-handed advances and, out of respect for Jon's feelings, plots REVENGE! In order to exact that REVENGE, Garfield distracts Billy Connolly, which leads to Billy Connolly somehow trapping Garfield, just as the lawyers show up to sign over the estate to Billy Connolly. Oh, how wonderfully madcap!

Billy Connolly, with nowhere left to run, traps Garfield down in the dungeon, but a mouse and the bulldog Chancellor break Garfield out moments later. That's like the third or fourth JAILBREAK; I guess this movie is making up for lost time. AC/DC would be very proud. Of course, due to Garfield's earlier eavesdropping, he believes the bulldog Chancellor and the rest of Parliament to be ungrateful, so he wanders off in a huff . . . until he spies Prince, his doppleganger, and they psychically link to rip off a Harpo Marx gag.

After Garfield and Prince share pleasantries, they elect to once again switch places, but, when Prince addresses Parliament, he reveals that he doesn't want to face off against Billy Connolly. Garfield, on hand for no reason in particular, protests, as he is an American and, hence, quite familiar with rebellion, so a scheme is hatched to foil Billy Connolly once and for all. Garfield begins the plot by distracting the Rottweiler, allowing Prince to break into the manor so that he can mess with Billy Connolly, who's busy meeting with the lawyers and the HOT CHICK real-estate developer. Billy Connolly, desiring to get to the bottom of what's going on, gives chase and, suddenly, the movie turns into Clue, as Billy Connolly starts moving the HOT CHICK real-estate developer and the lawyers to various rooms and hilarity ensues.

Garfield, after dealing with the Rottweiler, joins in the fun, which leads to Billy Connolly falling down some stairs in front of the HOT CHICK real-estate developer, and then, in another room, some suits of armor attack him. This finally sends Billy Connolly over the edge – probably due to a massive brain injury, at this point – so he goes after the cats with a flail – no word on whether or not it's +2 vs. felines – until the Rottweiler chases him in the garden and a goofy Scooby-Doo episode breaks out.

On the road near the manor, Jon meets with the stereotypical British butler, who probably thinks that sitting on the side of the road constitutes a vacation. At the manor, Billy Connolly, at the end of his wits now that there's two Princes – The Spin Doctors would be proud, threatens the lawyers and the HOT CHICK real-estate developer – who was actually in league with the lawyers – with a crossbow. I guess he's taking getting Medieval on their asses a little too literally.

Just as things seem their bleakest, the stereotypical British butler, Jon, and Odie show up out of nowhere and Odie attacks Billy Connolly, allowing Jon to steal the crossbow. Alas, the situation is not yet defused, as Liz bumbles her way into the scene and Billy Connolly holds her hostage. Just when things seem even more bleakest, the drunken ferret makes a heroic turn to crawl up Billy Connolly's pants and molest him into submission. Jon then punches out Billy Connolly and he gets arrested. Billy Connolly, not Jon . . . even though I'm sure assaulting a royal is probably a heinous offense. Maybe Prince let Jon off the hook. As a denouement, Jon finally asks Liz to marry him and there is much rejoicing, as well as a Parliament musical number. Sadly, George Clinton is nowhere to be found, but Garfield and Prince dance together anyway.

Much like it's predecessor, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties isn't atrocious or even bad, it's just predictable and rather dull. While the first film relied on a hackneyed kidnapping plot, this film borrows heavily from Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper, ramping up the predictability. In addition, much like the first film, the plot of this film is stretched far beyond its capacity, thus necessitating the need for at least three musical interludes to buttress the running time, always a hallmark of a Misunderstood Masterpiece. As well, most of the performances are decidedly lackluster, though most of the film revolves around Billy Connolly, Garfield, and Prince, leaving the other actors with little to do and little reason to be anything more than lackluster. Of course, Prince does shine as a standout character, but Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Famer Tim Curry does have that ability . . . and I couldn't think of a more appropriate person to induct Giggly Tits into the Hall. Welcome, Giggly Tits, and thanks for the Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a certain red-headed ingénue hits the racetrack for fun and excitement, even though she's proven that she can't drive time and time again. See you then!