Misunderstood Masterpieces: Planet Of The Apes
Posted by Will Helm on 03.18.2003
…Or, humans are stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!
In some ways it pains me to write this. I am a HUGE fan of Tim Burton’s work and have been since I saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on the big screen all those years ago, even before I knew who Tim Burton was. From Amazing Stories’ “Family Dog,” to Beetlejuice, to Batman, I adored Burton’s vision before I knew his name. Later, when I realized there was this genius named Burton, I loved the moodiness of Sleepy Hollow and the wacky absurdity of Mars Attacks! Then there’s Ed Wood, one of my all-time favorite movies and source of some of my favorite film quotes (and also was supposed to be released on DVD some time last year). Unfortunately, sometimes bad movies happen to good directors. Whether it is an overabundance of funding, lack of overall vision, or creative carte blanche, some directors just screw up. Though some may argue that Mars Attacks! stands as Burton’s Waterloo, I feel that it is the substance-less mish-mash “re-imagining” called Planet of the Apes which appears as a giant speed-bump in a largely successful career.
The film opens in 2029 with the space station Oberon in close orbit to an anonymous ringed planet. It seems that a nice, loveable chimpanzee is piloting a ship through space; when things go wrong, however, the monkey freaks. Sadly, poo-flinging does not commence. I think the spacesuit proves an obstacle to that. Speaking of the spacesuit, the chimp wears a full-body suit and helmet, yet his feet and hands are exposed. Somehow, I don’t think that would be adequate protection from cosmic radiation…then again, I don’t know much about rocket science.
Anyway, the monkey flips out and it turns out that the whole ordeal was just a simulation forced upon the monkey by none other than Leo Davidson, played by Mark Wahlberg. It seems that Wahlberg has switched from the “Funky Bunch” for the monkey bunch. I guess that happened when he traded in the “Marky.” Leo takes his simian buddy Pericles out of the simulation pod and back down to the wonderful comforts of his cage. Down there we meet Lt. Alexander (Anne Ramsay), a.k.a. “annoying zoologist lady,” who explains the habits of apes and that Pericles got his freak on and is going to have some lil’ Pericleses. Thanks for not much of anything, Lieutenant.
Leo then watches a video postcard from his annoying friends back on Earth to kill some time as the Oberon nears the object of its search: a temporal flux or some other quasi-scientific blob of space gunk. I really don’t remember nor do I care what they call it, it’s always the same thing. It’s the great excuse for whatever happens in the movie…the astrophysical science-fiction plot device. It was the same way in the Star Trek universe; the temporal flux was just an excuse for the crew of the Enterprise to either shield their eyes or get thrown forward out of their seats. One of these days I’d love to see someone come upon a temporal flux and say to themselves, “Gee, no good ever comes out of going near a temporal flux…let’s turn around.”
So, when faced with a temporal flux sitting there invitingly near our anonymous ringed planet, what does the captain of the Oberon elect to do? Shoot a monkey into it, of course. Leo preps Pericles for launch and Pericles’ spermatozoa-shaped ship heads for the nebulous thingy (yes, that’s a technical term). Sadly, they lose contact with the ship; I guess there was an intergalactic prophylactic in use. After a lengthy two-minute debate with his commanding officer, Leo hijacks another ship and follows his monkey into the flux, because if a monkey can’t seemingly impregnate a blob of space goop, a man surely can. Charles Darwin would be proud.
Leo shoots through the quantum schmutz, as well as time…to the future! He crash-lands on a lush planet only to encounter a Rhodes Scholar (Kris Kristofferson) and a model (Estella Warren). Oh…wait…they’re the actors; their characters are the primitively-clad Kurubi and Daena. Leo, Kurubi, and Daena, as well as a zillion other people, run through the jungle, chased by unseen beings. Turns out that they’re being chased by monkeys! Not just monkeys, but armor-wearing sentient monkeys! What a world!
Of course the dumb humans all get captured and taken to the unnamed capital city of the apes. During the tour of the city, we see some ape-kids playing what seems to be basketball. Gee, there’s nothing vaguely racist about that…nothing at all. Nope. And for some reason, all the apes speak perfect English; it’s amazing that they would decide to adopt that as their native tongue. You can also tell who the main apes are because they sound different. All the extra apes sound exactly the same. Anyway, the captives are sold to the reluctant slave-driver Limbo (Paul Giamatti) who in turn sells some of the humans to the niece of the fairly psychotic General Thade (Tim Roth) and the human-rights activist Ari (Helena Bonham Carter, the marriage-shattering harpy). Luckily, Leo ends up with Ari’s group, which greatly helps the plot move along. He becomes a domestic for about a few hours before he and some of the other humans break out of their servitude. During this, Leo wastes no time in being a complete ass to all those around him, probably because he’s from the oddly named “U.S. Air Force” tribe.
After running aimlessly through the city, Ari rescues the escapees and they flee to the jungles, but not without Kurubi getting offed and Daena “mourning.” Leo goes back to his sperm-ship to get some supplies as well as a homing device that will lead him to the Oberon. It’s really something else that, even after being submerged for an undetermined amount of time, the stuff on the ship still works. Go figure. All throughout their journey through the jungles of the planet, Ari and Leo incessantly flirt with one another, while Danae gets “jealous.” At least I think it could be jealousy…it’s rather hard to tell jealousy from glee or mild intestinal discomfort.
Thade, enraged by the escape of the dirty, dirty humans, is informed that his esteemed father lies near death. It turns out that Thade’s father is none other than everyone’s favorite right-wing gun-lovin’ American whacko Charlton Heston! Oh…isn’t that funny…he was in the original Planet of the Apes. Oh…how witty. Haha. Yeah, right. And, fitting to form, good ol’ Chuck shows Thade his gun collection. Alright, so it’s just one gun; it’s still a bigger collection than anyone else on the planet. For some reason this all becomes an allegory for the human ability to invent things, which I suppose the apes don’t have. Even though they built a fairly nice city and carts with wheels and such. They just can’t invent, though. This does become important later…
Meanwhile, it seems that Leo’s homing device is leading him directly into the apes’ sacred lands of Calima. One would expect this to cause tension among the species…but it really doesn’t. I guess the lands aren’t THAT sacred then. Unfortunately for our motley band of heroes, an ape camp lies between them and Calima. They all ride through on horseback while the apes throw flaming jai-alai balls at them. In an undetermined amount of time they reach Calima…which is actually the wreckage of the space station Oberon! I bet you didn’t see that coming.
Leo enters the Oberon, which seems rather small inside for a space station, and miraculously activates it. He learns about the terrible fate of his former base and its crew. After he decided to fertilize the cosmic anomaly, the Oberon went in after him. They got stuck on the planet and the apes they had with them help them to acclimate themselves and then overthrew their human oppressors. You go, monkeys!!! Death to the bourgeois!!! Capitalist pigs!!! Ahem. Sorry for that. Anyway, if all of the apes on the planet are descended from the chimps on the Oberon, which crashed only a few thousand years prior, how is it that the apes are not only sentient and organized but look different? I mean, there seem to be some apes that look like chimps, some look like gorillas, some look like orangutans…there may even be a bonobo in there somewhere. Unless I’m mistaken, that kind of species development would take a little more than a few thousand years. I could be wrong, of course. Then again, there’s always that little wrinkle of how the humans could still be on the planet if the original apes killed them all. Ah, logic! You foul despoiler of film!
Speaking of humans, there are lots of them and they’ve all come to have our friend Leo free them from the oppression of the apes. The apes, in turn, amass an army to meet the human threat head-on. Good for them, I say. The showdown will be at Calima, but the apes are unaware that Leo has a plan. First, he gives the assembled throng of ragged human volunteers the worst motivational speech ever™ and then he waits for the ape army to arrive. Once the apes reach Calima, he sets his plan into motion as he lures the first wave of apes to the gaping maw of the Oberon, which proceeds to release a giant nuclear fart. Merely stunned from the effects of high-temperature flatulence, the slightly injured apes are then mercilessly bludgeoned by the cowardly humans. During the fray, Ari and Daena come to a sort-of interspecies understanding; just what they understand, I have no idea. War can do that to people.
After a few minutes of pitched, heated battle, it seems that Thade’s troops are gaining the upper hand while Thade tries to tear Leo’s face off. Just then a flash of light comes down from the sky! What could it be? Could it be…is it…IT IS!!! DEUS EX MACHINA!!! The “god from the machine” to rescue the heroes in their hour of need. It’s like some sort of Classical drama, without all the funny masks and names ending in –icles. Oh, wait…nevermind. Anyway, it seems that our deus is none other than our old friend Pericles! The bulk of the apes bow in reverence, as if some sort of quasi-religious prophecy has been fulfilled. Thade, however, refuses to take that opium and runs into the ruins of the Oberon. He and Leo fight for a while and then Thade picks up a gun. I guess old man Chuck taught him right good. Quick-thinking Leo locks Thade up behind glass, though, ending that problem very quickly as Thade has a nervous breakdown.
Now that peace between the apes and the humans has seemingly been established, Leo decides to leave Pericles with Ari as a substitute surrogate child (because we all know that interspecies relationships are just too hard for most people) and take his leave of the planet. He jumps into Pericles’ ship and takes off for more temporal flux-induced wormholey goodness. For some reason, he is shot, not just through time, but all the way from the anonymous ringed planet to Earth. This isn’t just any Earth, though; while Leo seemingly crash-lands on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial…it turns out to be the…Thade Memorial!!! Dum-dum-dum!!! It seems that Leo has crashed himself on a planet of apes with the power of invention and is completely and utterly screwed. Oh well. Serves him right.
Now, this movie isn’t great by any…what’s that? You want to know just how it could end like that? Well, I’ll tell you. There’s actually a very good reason for the bizarro Twilight Zone-style ending, and it comes two minutes or so into the closing credits. It’s the mention of the original Planet of the Apes, co-written by the one and only…Rod Serling. Yes, the Rod Serling who was the creator, host, and driving force behind the Twilight Zone. Could it be that this modern updating of the original film and the denouement in particular are just one giant homage to Mr. Serling? That could definitely be said of the ending, which works on so many intellectual levels whether it realizes it or not, but the movie as a whole is just a lot of style and very little substance. By and large very bad…but any film that can utilize elements of Classical drama AND ‘50s television can’t be all bad. Can it?
