The 411 Top 5 11.14.08: Week 139
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 11.14.2008
The Top 5 Coolest Bond Gadgets
Today sees the release of the eagerly-anticipated Quantum of Solace, which promises to continue the stripped-down, slightly more realistic nature of Daniel Craig's first outing, Casino Royale. That's good news for those who really enjoyed the last film's new take on the character (and I'm assuming that's just about everyone), but that doesn't mean that all the die-hard Bond fans out there can't miss the old clichés just a little bit. C'mon, you stick with a character for 40 years, there's no ay you're not going to get attached to certain elements. And so, I thought this week would be a good opportunity to re-visit Bond's more gadget-laden past, with a look at:
THE TOP 5 COOLEST BOND GADGETS
Trevor Snyder
HONORABLE MENTION:
The alligator disguise, from Octopussy
Sure, this is arguably the worst Bond movie, but you have to admire the sheer preposterous nature of the moment where Bond hides in a robotic alligator. If you ask me, the total stupidity of that moment just about sums up Roger Moore's entire tenure as the character (sorry, Moore lovers)...but to this day I always remember it, so I guess there is something to be said for it.
THE TOP 5
5. The Lotus Esprit, from The Spy Who Loved Me
As we all know, the Aston Martin DB5 is, and always will be, the quintessential Bond vehicle. But I hesitated including it here because I don't really consider it one giant gadget in and of itself, but rather a collection of cool gadgets (the ejector seat being the niftiest, of course). The Lotus Esprit, on the other hand, is remembered primarily for one main function – its ability to turn into a mini-submarine for underwater travel. Although I never found the design of the car to be as aesthetically pleasing as others did, I can't deny that it would be fun to have a car that you could drive to the beach…and then just keep on driving right into the ocean.
4. The briefcase, from From Russia With Love
There's nothing quite as intimidating as a businessman, right? Well, maybe not...but that's only because their briefcases are usually full of nothing but boring paperwork. I bet a great many businessmen saw this Bond movie and then fantasized about their own briefcases being packed full of goodies like knives and explosives. It would certainly liven up those tedious meetings.
3. The Omega laser watch, from Goldeneye
A helpful tip: if you ever become a super-villain and then manage to capture James Bond, don't let him keep his watch! Trust me, nothing good can come of it, as Bond's timepieces almost always have something special going on with them. The tops, in my book, is the Omega watch from Goldeneye, which comes equipped with a frikkin' laser. That means that, yes, James Bond can actually melt off your face just while doing something as innocuous as checking the time. As if there was any doubt as to why this guy is a badass.
2. The Jetpack, from Thunderball
In order to fully appreciate the coolness of this gadget, you have to ignore the lame helmet Sean Connery dons while using it, which makes him look like a whole different kind of special agent. Look past that, though, and you have a freaking jetpack! Almost everyone agrees that it would be pretty great to have the power of flight, and barring an X-Men-like new step in human evolution, a jetpack is probably as close as we're going to get.
1. The invisible car, from Die Another Day
Sure, despite the quasi-scientific explanation of how it works from John Cleese's Q, the invisible car is undeniably ridiculous. It's probably a pretty big reason why many fans considered this movie to be the point where the Bond franchise finally crossed over into crazy-land, thus necessitating the back-to-basics reboot of Casino Royale (for the record, I actually kind of dig Die Another Day, in all its ludicrous glory). But hey, I named this column the "Top 5 Coolest Bond Gadgets," not the "Top 5 Most Plausible Bond Gadgets." And the fact is, an invisible car is pretty damn cool. Granted, since I'm not a secret agent, I can think of no real practical application for an invisible car – it's not like you can just drive it into a girl's locker room or anything. But, still, if somebody offered me my own invisible car, I sure as hell wouldn't turn it down.
Owain J. Brimfield
HONORABLE MENTION:
The invisible car in Die Another Day: pretty much the only redeeming feature of one of the worst Bonds ever made.
THE TOP FIVE
5. The mini camera in Moonraker
I'm only including this because I think it's one of the most ridiculous Bond gadgets to be found. Covert photography is pretty much a staple of the spy genre, and you'd certainly expect Bond to possess a stealthy camera, not least one with the benefits of photographing in dim lighting. But how does Bond go about implementing this masterful device of subterfuge? By having a spy camera that has his freakin' MI6 code name on the bottom! Way to stealth it, Bond.
4. The Ericsson phone in Tomorrow Never Dies
We all know that video games on mobile phones tend to be mediocre at best, so how about improving on things with this little beauty that lets you remotely control a car from your handset? It's an ultimate boy-toy, and every kid who's ever played with a radio-controlled plastic toy knows the childish glee Bond must be experiencing as he rags his vehicle around a multi-storey car park causing seven shades of destruction, all from the safety of his phone. Genius.
3. The clicky pen in GoldenEye
We all saw it coming from the moment Boris Grishenko and his nervous clicky-pen fidgeting were introduced earlier in the film, but the moment where he finally picks up Bond's three-clicks-and-boom little utensil is a great mix of humour and tension, as Boris clicks the pen once, twice, four times.... until eventually it hits three, and Bond slaps it away from him to detonate a series of liquid nitrogen canisters. The pay-off to the scene is magnificent, all thanks to one of Q's tiniest gadgets.
2. The jetpack in Thunderball
The best thing about the seemingly futuristic gadget from this 60s movie is that it was actually a real invention, capable of a flight time of around twenty seconds and a flight ceiling of 600 feet. Science fiction has always given us images of being able to soar around unencumbered by anything other than a sleek backpack, and while Bond's effort is slightly less aesthetically pleasing than something from The Jetsons (especially combined with that daft crash-helmet), it's still something that no well-dressed man should be without.
1. The briefcase in From Russia With Love
The quintessential Bond gadget - unassuming and stealthy, but simultaneously sleek and deadly. Containing all sorts of goodies in its compartments from tear gas to throwing knives to heavy munitions, it provides the spy-about-town with everything he needs to stealth his way into enemy territory and return unharmed. Used to maximum effect in one of the most unexpectedly vicious screen fights of the 60s, Bond knows that a spy without his MI6 briefcase is like a redneck without a sofa on his lawn - worthless and undeserving of the title.
Rick Tym
5. The rubber ducky suit in Goldfinger (1964)
James Bond was more apt to announce his name to a crowded room than sneak around it. However, when he had to use stealth instead of charm to get into a guarded facility, he had this at his disposal. Not a bathtub rubber ducky, rather a wetsuit with a fake duck attached at the top, our favorite super-spy donned this chuckle-inducing getup to gain access to a drug factory in Goldfinger, this list compiler's favorite 007 outing.
4. The Aston Martin DB5 in Goldfinger (1964)
The modified Aston Martin in Goldfinger is the ultimate example of a tricked-out Bond vehicle. This baby had it all, including revolving license plates to change the car's region of registration, forward shooting machine guns hidden in the headlights, and rear deploying oil slicks and smoke screens. Perhaps most useful was the passenger ejector seat, handy for getting rid of those annoying folks who insist on calling "shotgun!" instead of just being happy they're able to bum a ride home. Forget that invisible car from Die Another Day. This is the car all Bond fans should want in their garage.
3. The electro-magnetic ring in Diamonds are Forever (1971)
Q whipped up this piece of jewelry that enables Bond to manipulate casino slot machines by controlling the RPM speed of the spinning reels, ensuring a jackpot every time. Quite the handy-dandy bauble, no? One thinks that should Bond ever encounter issues of job security, he could point this baby at a few of the progressive slots while visiting Vegas or Monte Carlo and at least have some spending cash until his resume comes back from the printers.
2. The Rolex Submariner in Live and Let Die (1973)
Moneypenny gave Bond this exquisite timepiece, which just so happened to employ an extremely powerful electromagnet that was able to deflect a bullet. Since when are bullets magnetic? Anyway…even more importantly, this version of one of Bond's favorite watches (the Rolex Submariner was featured in nine of the franchise's films) featured a spinning bezel that could be used as a saw, and use it 007 did, cutting though rope restraints, thereby escaping a pool full of man-eating sharks. And you wonder why so many people love these movies…
1. The mini-rocket cigarette in You Only Live Twice (1967)
This bad boy should come with more than just the standard Surgeon General's Warning. Given to Bond by Japanese secret service leader "Tiger" Tanaka, Bond lights up a guard using this deft piece of spy technology to gain access to SPECTRE's secret rocket base, hidden in a hollow volcano. By calmly asking for a smoke after learning that Blofield (head of the SPECTRE organization, played by the late, great Donald Pleasance) plans to hijack the current American space mission and trigger the next world war, 007 is able to provide access to the base for Tanaka's troops, thwarting the evil mastermind's plan. Never has jonesing for nicotine looked so cool.
Jeremy Thomas
HONORABLE MENTION:
Mexican Machine Gun, Moonraker (1979) - Dude, it's a machine gun hidden in a mannequin of a Mexican in the middle of a siesta. While the effectiveness may be somewhat limited, how in the hell can you NOT love that?
Oddjob's Bowler hat, Goldfinger (1964) - Technically this is a Bond villain gadget and not a gadget James Bond himself uses, but it's iconic and deserves inclusion amongst the Bond film gadgets. It's simple but effective and ingenious; a bowler hat with a razor-sharp metal disc under the brim. The fact that its owned and used by one of the coolest Bond villains ever doesn't hurt, either.
Radioactive lint - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969) - In terms of tracking someone, homing devices are time-worn idea; however, using radioactive lint to track someone is just brilliant. Granted, if your target puts it through the laundry we may have a problem, but otherwise we've got a harmless looking piece of fluff that, as Q puts it, the location fix and anti-personnel uses should be obvious."
THE TOP 5
5. Dentonite Toothpaste - Licence to Kill (1989)
I've always felt Timothy Dalton didn't get enough credit as Bond, nor did his gadgets. The exploding toothpaste is a concept of moldable explosives that we've seen several times before, but hiding it in toothpaste, and using a cigarette package shell to hide the detonator, is just fun and cool. There's something ironic about the fact that the toothpaste is the damaging element between it and the smokes, and I appreciate those little touches of wry humor.
4. The Ericsson Phone, Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
I love the phone in this movie, and want one SO much. Hell, I don't even need the swank car that comes with it. I'll just take the stung gun, fingerprint scanner and antenna lockpick set and I'll be one happy little superspy. It's the phone that can do it all, designed specifically for use in this movie. And Ericsson liked it so much they incorporated several of the elements from it into later phones.
3. The Grenade Pen - Goldeneye (1995)
Okay, so maybe I just love tiny and innocuous-looking things that blow up. There's just something fun about that. But the foreshadowing and set-up to this little pen with a big bite is just impressive, and the payoff was one of the finest scenes in one of the finest Bond films yet.
2. Rolex Submariner - Live and Let Die (1973)
The superspy watch is another staple of the genre, and Bond's been through a lot of them. There was the laser cutting Rolex in Never Say Never Again, the Geiger-Counter Breitling from Thunderball, the garotte watch he took control of in From Russia With Love, and the Seiko with a lsitening device from Octopussy. The coolest by far, though, was the Submarine in Live and Let Die. The bullet-deflecting electromagnet and rotating saw are incredibly nice features that Rolex, if they wanted to be THE watch company, would be wise to include in all future models. Especially if you're having problems with your lovely lady's zipper.
1. Jetpack - Thunderball (1965)
Every kid wanted a jetpack when they were young, and I was no exception. While they had been popularized long before Bond thanks to sci-fi, it was the Bond jetpack that captured my attention. A personal flying device strapped to my back? Sign me up! While it seemed to be a thing of fiction before then, it was the image of James Bond flying through the air that really made it seem possible, and it deserves the credit for doing so.
