Misunderstood Masterpieces: Spies Like Us
Posted by Will Helm on 04.29.2003
…or, What a Difference Eighteen Years Makes
Remember 1985? Then again, does anyone want to remember 1985? Reagan was president of the United States, the “Evil Empire” that was the Soviet Union was the U.S.’s most fearsome rival, Chevy Chase was still funny, and Spies Like Us debuted in American theatres. This fun little film combined the tension of the Cold War with the levity of the old Hope-Crosby “Road” pictures. Sound interesting? Well, add the mix some very subtle pacifistic rhetoric and cameos galore and you have a Misunderstood Masterpiece. I’m such a self-promoting whore sometimes, aren’t I?
We begin somewhere very cold, possibly sub-Arctic. Perhaps Arctic, even…maybe the North Pole. If so, then Santa has a nice defense contract as a giant intercontinental ballistic missile battery wheels its way through the trees and snow. Now we’ll see just what happens to those who are naughty! One glimpse of the logo on the truck reveals not a flying, fire-breathing reindeer or a scantly clad Mrs. Claus, but a seal belonging to the Soviet Union. Ooh, scary. Just to amplify the tension, we get some red hot spy satellite action as they snap photos of the Soviet’s penile surrogate…I mean “missile.”
Onward to Washington, D.C., where two smarmy governmental-types (Bruce Davison and William Prince) admire the close-ups of the rocket only to be interrupted by General Sline (Steve Forrest) and General Miegs (Tom Hatten), who in turn admire the close-ups. Maybe there was a scantly clad Mrs. Claus after all. They conspire to send two pairs of spies to take care of the little nuclear problem, one of those pairs being expendable decoys. That has to be great for morale. And who are those decoys going to be? None other than playboy, slacker, and diplomatic genius Emmett Fitz-Hume (Chevy Chase) and codebreaker, computer expert, and governmental-answer-to-Dilbert Austin Millbarge (Dan Ackroyd).
Our heroes meet in a government exam proctored by Frank Oz. Unfortunately, he doesn’t start speaking in obtuse grammar or yelling “Near! Far!” at random intervals. While Austin tries his damnedest to pass the test legitimately, Emmett makes grand and elaborate attempts to cheat. Speaking of elaborate cheating, here’s a true story: There was once a huge scandal at my high school because someone figured out that if you spread lip balm on a computer-read test sheet, it mucks up the system enough that it will always come out as a passing grade. Of course the perpetrators were discovered and suspended and lip balm was banned, but it just proves that even in real life some folks will go to great lengths to cheat. Although, if my school ran anything like the U.S. government in this movie, those cheaters would be valedictorians because Emmett and Austin are not only discovered, but also praised and promoted! Of course we knew this would happen but they didn’t, so it’s ironic…don’t you think?
Emmett and Austin are quickly whisked away to training, where they are airdropped onto a soundstage riddled with very narrow trees. One would think that director John Landis would try to avoid soundstages and anything air-related, but one would be wrong. Anyway, our protagonists are quickly attacked by ninjas who make stereotypical ninja noises and make stereotypical ninja gestures. Before any sweet stereotypical ninja fighting can occur, Emmett and Austin are rescued by Colonel Rhumbus (Bernie Casey), who in turn disposes of the ninjas in a stereotypical fashion. Back at the base, the boys start their training. There’s running, swimming, water-skiing, a cool centrifuge, and a roller coaster that consists of a plane dropping straight down from a height of about 100 feet. This is almost like the Resort from Hell; it all sounds fun on paper, but there’s also a sinister edge to it. Of course, since they’re supposed to be inept decoys, Austin and Emmett graduate training and are sent off on their first assignment.
And where is the assignment? Where else! Pakistan! As we’ve learned from past editions, Pakistan is a hub of comedy. And here we’re always told it was a hub of instability and militant Islam…damned propagandists! I wish they told us that Pakistan was so funny! Ahem…anyway, the boys are airdropped in a big metal box and land on a house. No sign of the Wicked Witch of the East, however. I’m sorry…it has come to my attention that “East” is a derogatory and Orientalist term; the former “Wicked Witch of the East” will now be referred to as the “Wicked Witch of South Central Asia.” One would expect that two Americans who have just landed on a house in rural Pakistan would be greeted with open arms, but instead our heroes are greeted with the open barrel of many, many guns. One thing I noticed in this movie is that, unlike in Planet of the Apes, EVERYONE has guns. After some attempts at Pashtu humor, some Aryan-looking gentlemen rescue Emmett and Austin. Turns out the Aryans are Russian spies! Austin and Emmett escape the clutches of the Hitler Twins and make their way into the desert.
After some driving…and more driving…and a little more driving, the guys are accosted by a small army of gun-toting Central Asians. No reason to be alarmed, however, they’re just Afghani freedom fighters and American allies. Um, excuse me…huh?!? More on this later. The Afghanis then quickly hang Austin and Emmett upside-down and threaten them, but the United Nations comes to the rescue. Our hapless heroes are mistaken for doctors by Dr. Jerry Hadley (Charles McKeown) but when a large part of your medical staff consists of a hot chick (Donna Dixon as Dr. Karen Boyer), a director (Terry Gilliam as Dr. Imhaus), and a special-effects legend (Ray Harryhausen as Dr. Marston), I guess a lot of people have been mistaken for doctors.
While at the Afghani camp, Emmett makes time to flirt and feel up Dr. Boyer, which is kind of uncomfortable to watch as Donna Dixon is Dan Ackroyd’s wife. I guess that’s a bonus of being famous: you get to feel up your co-stars spouses. Luckily, Austin catches his partner(s) in the act and Dr. Boyer hightails it out of there. Just to hammer home the fact that this may very well be a modern updating of a “Road” picture, a golfing Bob Hope suddenly appears onscreen with no rhyme or reason and exits just as quickly as he came. Austin and Emmett are recruited into performing an appendectomy on the brother of the Khan (who speaks perfect English, by the way). Hijinks ensue as the erstwhile spies bungle their way through surgery and spout off two brilliant lines: “We mock what we don’t understand” and “Cut the sucker.” Both quotes are good words to live by. Sadly, the Khan’s brother dies and Afghan-American relations take an immediate turn for the worse as Emmett and Austin are chased out of the village by very enraged Afghani freedom fighters.
Back in the good ol’ U.S., the smarmy governmental types find themselves in Nevada on their way to a heavily guarded…drive-in. It can’t be that important, considering the guards are screenwriter Larry Cohen; directors Michael Apted, Martin Brest, Joel Coen, and Sam Raimi; and blues legend B.B. King. Then again, a Pythoneer and the guy who did Jason and the Argonauts were doctors, so nothing surprises me at this point. I was wrong about the drive-in however…it turns out it’s a heavily secured underground base of operations for Generals Sline and Miegs. Now it’s starting to make sense. OK, maybe not. The smarmy governmental types get a collect call from Austin and Emmett; no word from special agent Carrot Top.
We now begin the “Road to Dushanbe” portion of this picture, as Austin and Emmett go native because dressing like an Afghan is funny. Love blooms in the desert as Emmett meets back up with Dr. Boyer…he gets nowhere, as usual. Austin suspects Dr. Boyer, however, so he and Emmett hitch a ride on a camel to pursue her and Dr. Hadley. You know why? Because camels are funny. It’d also be funny if they end up in the Himalayas and it gets so cold that they have to slice the camel open with a lightsabre. Hey, the voice of Yoda is in the movie…it can happen! Our heroes do end up in the Himalayas however, sans camel, and dress like Sherpas to keep warm. Because dressing like a Sherpa is…oh, you know. At this point we wonder if we’re on time, so we switch to the drive-in base to be notified that everything is “right on time.” Thanks!
On the road to Dushanbe (no quotation marks…I mean this literally), Emmett is captured by two Russian C.H.i.P.s (one of which is director Costa Gavras) while Austin escapes. The Aryans return to interrogate Emmett, while some other C.H.i.P.s gun down Dr. Hadley. Ponch would never, ever do that…unless it was to get into Dr. Boyer’s pants. Austin falls down a mountain and onto the corpses of the C.H.i.P.s; he discovers that Drs. Hadley and Boyer are actually spies!!! Against Boyer’s wishes, Austin goes off to rescue Emmett from the clutches of the Aryans. He rides in, saves Emmett, shoots up a car like it’s Vice City, and blows up the police station real good. They ride off into the sunset…ok, maybe not.
While scouting the big Russian rocket of love, Boyer, Austin, and Emmett learn that Russian troops love vodka and ‘60s instrumental rock. Information on piña coladas or getting caught in the rain remains classified. They also notice that there’s a very nubile young Russian soldier who likes wearing a bra, panties, snowsuit, and nothing else. True to the last image, Boyer riles up Emmett and Austin with the Second Worst Motivational Speech Ever™ complete with the word “penetration.” Hehe…she said “penetration.”
While the drive-in transforms into the Death Star, the Russians get drunk and funky and visited by aliens. Not to worry, though…it’s just Austin and Emmett in disguise. They subdue the Russians and hijack the missile…and launch it. Wow, it’s just like MTV! See, this was all a plan, as the Generals and the smarmy governmental types conspired to launch the rocket to test their missile-defense systems. How sneaky! Sadly their fancy little laser system MISSES THE ROCKET (oops), so, when faced with a possible nuclear apocalypse, what’s the only thing left to do? Screw! Emmett finally gets in with Boyer, a Russian guy and a Russian girl hook up, two Russian guys do the deed, and Austin and the hot Russian chick (Vanessa Angel) make all lovey-dovey. It’s good that they chose sex over praying or ritual suicide as Austin’s post-coital musings inspire him to reprogram the rocket to detonate in space! I’ll be damned…casual sex can save the world. The world is safe, the Generals and smarmy governmental types are arrested, newsman Edwin Newman is on the scene, and the spies and the Russians play Trivial Pursuit for peace, and Paul McCartney sings the closing theme. A happy ending, if I do say so myself.
Unfortunately, the ending isn’t as happy in some ways as it would seem. Things change over the course of eighteen years…things no one would ever expect. Vanessa Angel, after starring roles in Kingpin and the TV show “Weird Science,” has fallen off the face of the earth, despite being a hot chick. Same goes for Donna Dixon. Michael Apted went on to direct The World Is Not Enough and Enough, as well as other films. Martin Brest directed Scent of a Woman, and other films as well. Terry Gilliam directed such films as Twelve Monkeys, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and The Fisher King. Joel Coen became known as one half of the sibling tandem behind such creations as Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy, and O Brother, Where Art Thou?. Sam Raimi became a legendary cult filmmaker and then directed a little picture known as Spider-Man. It’s funny how two guards with barely a line between them become extremely successful filmmakers. But eighteen years is a long time, as now the Soviet Union no longer exists, replaced with the U.S. reluctant ally Russia. The Afghans, however, stopped being our allies and became our enemies. Chevy Chase is an unfunny has-been, Dan Ackroyd has also seemingly fallen off the face of the earth (more on this later), and Francisco Franco is still dead. Who knew there would be a film where the cameos would eventually eclipse the stars? Ah, Hollywood…ne’er has there been a stranger place.
