Misunderstood Masterpieces: Crossroads
Posted by Will Helm on 05.06.2003
…or, Why Am I Again Being Subjected to Singers Trying to Act?
Here we go again. Yet another film featuring a pop star in a starring role. This time the victim is teen pop queen Britney Spears and the film is Crossroads. Some of the more astute readers out there may remember the Ralph Macchio vehicle Crossroads back in ’86; sorry, Daniel-san, but this ain’t it. In the tradition of the bildungsroman, we have a coming-of-age tale about three cliched characters, I mean “friends,” and their hackneyed plot, I mean “adventures,” after high school graduation. Directed by music video director (and wife of Beastie Boy Mike D) Tamra Davis, Crossroads will have you laughing from the first moment…unfortunately, it’s a drama.
The film opens to little kids rambling and mumbling over a blank screen. Usual girly drivel about “friends forever.” Yada yada yada. It turns out the girls are burying a box that they won’t dig up until their high school graduation. Hmm…I sense a theme of sexual self-discovery is going to arise out of this, especially because they repeatedly exhort each other to “make it deeper.” The hole, I mean. For the box. That they’re burying. Yep. Cut to present day, where we find a nubile Lucy (Britney Spears) dancing around her bedroom to Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” while wearing nothing but a tank top and panties (available from Victoria’s Secret, $75). Immediately I can sense that this has become the favorite movie of every boyfriend who was dragged to see it. Little do they know what they’re in for. Lucy is rudely by her father (Dan Ackroyd…so here’s where he’s been hiding since Spies Like Us!) and all goodwill built up between the movie and the male audience instantly collapses. It turns out that it’s nearing graduation and Lucy is the valedictorian. Aww…how sweet.
Onward to high school, where it turns out that the three girls from the very very beginning are no longer “friends forever” but just terrible clichés in the place of characters. There’s Lucy, who we learn is the sweet, smart, virginal valedictorian; Kit (Zoe Saldana), the smarmy, stuck-up, rich girl; and Mimi (Taryn Manning), the white trash slut…who also happens to be pregnant. You know, nothing says “lovin’” like a bun in the oven. Before the graduation ceremony, Lucy has a nervous breakdown stemming from a case of the “sposdas” and the overwhelming pressure of graduation. Um, if I remember graduation right, all I wanted to do was get the hell out of high school. Lucy’s a wimp.
Anyway, at the post-graduation party, Mimi mumbles (which she does throughout the whole movie…she has one of the worst cases of mushmouth in film history), Kit and her friends dance badly, and we meet the rugged-guitar-player-who-supposedly-killed-someone. I bet he’s named Jake; all rugged-yet-sensitive guys on soap operas are named Jake and they usually have some well-groomed stubble as well. His name is Ben (Anson Mount), however, but he does have stubble. And I also bet at this point you’re wondering what Lucy’s up to. Well, it seems that she’s preparing to bump uglies with her lab partner, a pasty nerd who is not and will never be anywhere near her league. Then again, if Lucy is the class valedictorian, what are she and/or the nerd doing at the cool people’s party anyway? If my memory serves me correctly, valedictorians and nerds are totally uncool. Anyway, Lucy attempts to seduce Henry (Justin Long) wearing only a tuxedo jacket and a lovely peach bra-and-panty ensemble (available from Victoria’s Secret, $105). According to some of the boyfriends who were dragged to see this, this may very well be the “greatest movie ever made.” Still, little do they know what they’re in for. Lucy has second thoughts however, probably because she realizes she can do better than a pasty nerd. Remember this later. Henry attempts to logically convince her to pop that sweet cherry, but it’s all for naught. Meanwhile, Mimi punches out her slimy boyfriend.
Damn that was a long paragraph!
Just when you think that three ex-friends who have absolutely nothing in common anymore except for the fact that they go to the same high school can’t reconcile, there are Lucy, Mimi, and Kit to dig up the box they buried all those years ago. They reminisce over the items in the box and helpfully tell the viewer pretty much what the rest of the movie entails. It seems that there will be a little trip involved with Lucy going to Arizona to find her long lost mother, Kit going to Los Angeles to visit her boyfriend, and Mimi going to Los Angeles for a singing audition. Ah, just another person to get kicked off of American Idol. It’s also funny that Mimi, played by an actress, is the singer, while the real-life singer is just a regular girl who can sing sometimes. This becomes important later. By the way, Mimi’s belly is laughably fake. Kind of like other things in this movie. Laughable, not fake. I’m not even going to get into that argument…yet.
After facing the fury of an Ackroyd scorned, Lucy and the girls hitch a ride with gritty Ben for the trip from Georgia to California…or Arizona. In true female form, we have to make a bathroom stop about a minute into the trip. Infatuation with Ben follows about thirty seconds later. Say what you will, but this film MOVES! Sadly, in the first of many transgressions, the girls hijack Ben’s radio and switch crappy metal to N*Sync. Luckily for us all, Ben rescues the radio and the soundtrack. Score one for Ben. The crew stops at a cheap motel, where Ben and Lucy share an intimate (non-physical) moment and a towel-clad Lucy and the girls talk about Ben’s possibly murderous past. Murderer…cheap motel…shower…where have I seen this before?
Back on the road, the overload of estrogen is too much for a car to bear, so it dies somewhere in backwoods Louisiana. Lucy, superhero that she is, diagnoses the problem instantly. Minutes later, the cliched nature of the characters becomes amplified as lots of talking breaks out…and then a catfight!!! Woo-hoo! You know, I was once watching a program on television and I heard lots of “woo-”ing and applause; the camera panned the audience, and not only were they not applauding, there was no one who could ever be suspected of “woo-”ing, much less “woo.” Anyway, just in case the movie became overly interesting, Lucy breaks up the fight.
Needing money to fix the car, what are three attractive teenage girls in close proximity to New Orleans to do? Girls Gone Wild? Nope. Exotic dancing? Nope. Live sex shows? Nope. Karaoke?!? Yep. Hey, don’t blame me…it was Mimi’s idea. She’s the “singer.” Of course, when onstage, Mimi crumbles under the pressure of the ugliest non-rowdy crowd ever and Lucy has to rescue the group for the third time in twenty-four hours. The ladies take their time to massacre Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ‘n Roll” and the crowd actually likes it. Yeah right…you just like them because they’re pretty. Admit it. The girls earn enough money to get the car fixed and love begins to flourish between Ben and Lucy. You can tell, because when some sleazy frat guy tries to take some liberties with Lucy on the world’s least-crowded dance floor, Ben goes into jealous berzerker mode and kicks some frat guy ass. Ben: gritty and tough.
The girls retreat to a fancy hotel where they do some feminine bonding (get your minds OUT of the gutter!) and exposition (ditto!). Mimi recounts the story behind her impregnation, Kit speaks out on her body-image issues and cold-hearted mother, Lucy listens intently, and the mouths don’t match the voices. Bad voice editor, bad! If there’s one thing to remember about this movie, it’s that all men are bad…except for Ben. This becomes very important later. Speaking of Ben, he spent the night sleeping in his car, which the girls promptly steal so that they can speed down the road listening to Shania Twain. Ben wakes up and, overwhelmed by the massive amounts of estrogen and the possibility of being trapped in a made-for-Lifetime movie, goes crazy. Poor Ben. After Ben’s testosterone-fueled outburst, they drive, no one speaks, the band Travis plays in the background, and the movie is simply wonderful…for about five seconds.
Sadly, it’s all downhill from here, as Ben confides that he really is a convicted felon, but he’s only guilty of kidnapping his stepsister to protect her from her abusive father. He’s the sex offender with the heart of gold. OK, I know that seems sick but, as far as I know, violating the Mann Act (transporting an unrelated minor across state lines) would probably be enough to get you listed as a sex offender. But you didn’t hear that from me. The crew stops to watch the sunset in the desert, while Ben is forced to listen to some of Lucy’s poetry. He does say he likes it, however…I wonder why.
Lucy finally gets home and Ben turns creepy. Luckily, Lucy’s mom (Kim Cattrall) is much much creepier. After a very short reunion where Lucy’s mom confides to Lucy that she was a mistake (now that’s tact!), Lucy returns to the rest of the group and promptly has another nervous breakdown. Nice guy that he is, Ben writes a melody to go with Lucy’s poem; it’s probably just a ploy so he can sue her for royalties later on. Lucy sings that she’s “not a girl, not yet a woman”…she’s just annoying. Ben and Lucy sneak a totally spontaneous, unexpected, and unchoreographed kiss, the group hits the road again, and Ben loses his testes and starts voluntarily listening to Sheryl Crow.
In L.A., the gang goes to the beach, Mimi gets ready for her audition, and Kit’s boyfriend blows her off. While Kit and Mimi go sightseeing, Lucy and Ben decide it’s time for some good, old-fashioned boot-knockin’. Now let me get this straight…Lucy will say “no” to unattractive but safe pasty nerds but “yes” to rugged convicted felons. Memo to all parents out there: IF YOUR KIDS ARE WATCHING THIS, LOCK THEM UP NOW! While Ben boldly goes where no man has gone before, Kit and Mimi take a little detour in to Kit’s boyfriend’s apartment. She catches her man (who we must remember is evil because he isn’t Ben) cheating on her and, in the Funniest Plot Twist Ever™, it turns out that he was the one who knocked up Mimi. Kit punches him out while Mimi falls down the steps and has a miscarriage. You know, it’s so nice of this movie to treat these important issues so seriously.
Lucy’s dad come to the rescue (because an Ackroyd can forgive) and Kit brings Mimi some flowers, as if to say “I’m sorry my ex got you pregnant.” After a very short hospital stay and some deliberation, it’s decided that Lucy should go to the audition instead of Mimi. I bet you couldn’t see that coming! Just to be nice, Lucy lets Ben play guitar and Kit and Mimi sing backup. She’ll later ditch them to wallow in their own mediocrity when she hits it big…you just know it. Everyone’s all happy, Lucy has a record deal, Ben is still gritty, Kit is…something, and Mimi doesn’t have to wear the stupid fake belly anymore. Hooray!
After all that…what are we left thinking? All men (except Ben) are evil, all women are gullible and naïve, and important matters are really just trivial. Just to hammer home how insipid this film is, the closing credits feature outtakes…outtakes that are 200% better than the film that preceded them. Here we see actors being natural, rather than clichés, and it’s much more entertaining that way. Although there was something that we might have been supposed to see but didn’t in this film…I had heard rumors during the production of this movie that Ms. Spears herself was pressuring the makers of the picture to let her be topless in one scene. Unfortunately for 80-90% of the male movie-going audience, her idea was shot down. Through not-so-nefarious means, I have procured an excerpt of the screenplay to Crossroads featuring this hotly debated deleted scene and, generous soul that I am, will share it with you now…
End Closing Credits.
Fade into LUCY facing the camera wearing only a FRONT-CLOSURE BRA (available from Victoria’s Secret, $40). LUCY opens the bra and shakes her BREASTS from side to side.
