Ask 411 Movies for 11.17.08: That Column That is Shaken, Not Stirred!

Posted by Leonard Hayhurst on 11.17.2008

Remakes and reboots, a boatload of Christmas movies, $100 million flops, Ron Jeremy, TV themes and Bruce Willis demands respect!


I took part in Fact or Fiction this week with Jeremy Thomas. I errounously said that Oldboy was a Japanese film and not a Korean film. Usually I am thankful for corrections, but since everyone in the comments was so rude about it, go fuck yourselves with a kendo stick.

From YouTube this week we have a "Doctor Who" compilation video of people saying "What are you doing here" and the like. This video proves that repeating a phrase over and over again is funny, then it stops being funny, then it become incredibly funny, then it makes you want to jab your eyes out with a spork, then you pee yourself with laughter.



Q: Actually Lousie Fletcher popped up as a recurring character in Star Trek DS 9 as Kai Winn in the mid to late 90's.
-Tim

A: Ok, she didn't just drop off the face of the earth. She dropped off the face of the earth and floated through outer space.

Q: As much as it pains me that I know this, Bette Midler has a very successful movie career after starting out as a singer.
-Rob

A: I don't know why that would pain you to say it. Midler can be decent in both realms at times.

Frosty in the comments last week posted a huge list of names of singers who have done acting, including a link to a yahoo column on singers who should stick to their day jobs. I won't reprint all that, but thanks for throwing it in last week. He also asked if all singers want to be actors and all actors want to be singers in a grass is greener sort of way. I'm not sure if that is actively true, but certainly when an opportunity presents itself, you're a fool not to jump at it. I remember Bruce Willis making fun of his ill fated "Return of Bruno" album on "Inside the Actor's Studio." He said you get to a point where you think you can do anything and people around you don't do anything to deter that idea. So, when someone says lets do album, you say why not.



Q: Wild Wild West WAS a hit, wasn't it? $170mil production budget, $113mil domestic, $222mil worldwide. I'm not sure how big it's marketing budget was, but while it wasn't a huge hit it did top $100mil stateside and exceeded its production by $52mil. Crappy movie or not (though I think it gets unfairly trashed; it's harmless fun IMO), it made money.
-Nick

Q: Superman Returns got a 77% fresh on the tomatometer at Rottentomatoes.com, is #89 on the all time domestic gross, made $391 million world wide, so it must have some redeeming value.

not great, no, but not worthy of the derision it gets.

In that vein...

based on the Boxofficemojo.com ranking of the All Time Domestic Box Office Grosses, I see a fair bit of movies that surprised the hell out of me by being in the Top 100.

If you were to scope that list, what would surprise you most by being in the top 100, and what would surprise you most by not being there?
-Darth Mortis

A: We need to go over the idea of the $100 million bomb. In the past few years, 1998's Godzilla might be the first, there have been several movies that while grossing over $100 million domestically, the usual sign of a box office success, have been perceived as failures based on the response of critics and viewers. Studios usually use the label of "under performed." Hollywood is very focused on the opening weekend and with marketing even bad movies can open well. In the case of Superman Returns it suffered a 58 percent box office drop after its first week of release, according to boxofficemojo.com. Wild, Wild West suffered only a 39 percent drop, but usually anything under 25 percent in the second week is considered a success. It's more of a perception than a number actuality. And also, if you don't make your budget back domestically they consider you a flop too.

Looking at the all time domestic list on boxofficemojo.com, I'm surprised that Forrest Gump is in the top 20 with over $329 million. Alvin and the Chipmunks being over $200 million kind of got me too. I then looked at the next 100 to see what I would be surprised by that wasn't in the top 100 and was actually surprised to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarves as the oldest film high up on the list at 102 with nearly $185 million. I thought The Fugitive, Mission Impossible and Ocean's Eleven had grossed over $200 million, but they didn't. Crocodile Dundee I thought might have been in the top 100, because I think I remember it being pushed as one of the highest grossing box office comedies at one time and shortly after it's release it probably was. Ok, now here's the one that got me. I looked at the very bottom they had listed and 403 is You Don't Mess with the Zohan with $100,018,837. That movie sucked the sweat off of a dead man's balls. Good Morning, Vietnam came in at 265.

Q: Just to prove that I have way too much junk stuffed in my brain, you can add two more porn stars to the list: Jenna Haze and Aurora Snow were in the "Vagtastic Voyage" bit from Superbad.

I'm almost ashamed that I know that.
-Will Helm

Q: From the 40-year old Virgin, wasn't there an unedited scene where Steve Carell has a dream sequence with a porn star?

I also remember a reality show called My Bare Lady where they were looking for a porn star to do shakespeare.
-David

Q: Another porn star who had a role in a mainstream film was Kobe Tai ( using the name Carla Scott) in Very Bad Things.
mfm420

Q: The porn star with the biggest mainstream success is probably Ron Jeremy. You can find him in cameos in various films (usually playing himself) and the occasional reality series.

The Spiderbabe girl did an episode of Showtimes "Masters of Horror" called "Sick Girl."

Katie Morgan recently did a cameo on "Entourage" (along with three other chicks) just to flash her boobs to the gang.

There was a movie called "The Girl Next Door." where the main characters go to a porn convention and you can see various porn stars in it.

Might as well ask a question. What are your favorite tv theme songs?
-JLAJRC

A: On the unrated edition of 40 Year Old Virgin is a scene where Carell dreams of the star of the porn he's watching coming out of the TV and talking to him in his own clumsy sex talk style. The actress is Brittney Skye. (writer's note: according to comments the below picture is Stormy Daniels, despite what Google image search told me. We'll leave it up anyway for obvious reasons.)



"My Bare Lady" was a UK reality show that was later broadcast in the US on Fox Reality Channel. It followed four female porn stars training with Shakespearean actors and doing heavy dramatic scenes. It was hosted by Christopher Biggins, which sounds like a porn name. Ladies taking part were Chanel St. James, Kirsten Price, Nautica Thorn and Sasha Knox. Season 2 featured Brooke Haven, Sunny Leone, Casey Parker and Veronica Rayne.



Ron Jeremy, 58, has appeared in several music videos, video games, television shows and legitimate films including The Boondock Saints, Spun, Detroit Rock City and Killing Zoe. He also appeared in the spoof Being Ron Jeremy playing off of Being John Malkovich. Another reader in the comments last week mentioned seeing a documentary on Jeremy, which was Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy made in 2001. Jeremy's most mainstream exposure, I said exposure, is probably on Vh-1's "The Surreal Life" and "Surreal Life: Fame Games" where he came in second to Traci Bingham. As mentioned he has made several reality show and documentary appearances as a talking head, I said head. And now Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario. Both know about laying pipe.



My favorite TV theme song is "The Rockford Files," which is the ring tone on my phone. Below is the version I have on my phone, which is different from the original, but it's what I could get.



Second favorite would be "Dallas." There's like a billion different versions. Below is about the longest from season 13, but the early years where they had funk guitar sprinkled in was the best. I also like this credit sequences for the intercut cast photos in the beginning and not one, but two, explosions.



Q: With next year's Star Trek "reboot" movie coming out, what would you say were the best and worst "reboot/remake" films made?

I personally didn't like Rob Zombie's take on Halloween, I thought it made Myers out to be more sympathetic in a way...which ruined the film. But my wife loved the movie and actually claims it's better than the original.

The best remake/reboot film that I personally enjoy is Ocean's Eleven. I think it actually turned an average original film into a fresh, new film that was very entertaining.
-Dorn

A: Everybody else answered this for me in the comments section last week. That's cool, less work for me. Films mentioned for best were Dawn of the Dead, The Thing, The Fly, A Night to Remember, the Birdcage, A Fistful of Dollars, Quick Change, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with the worst being cited as Planet of the Apes, Psycho, Pink Panther, King Kong, The Body Snatchers from 1993 and Last Man Standing.

For good reboots I think you also have to mention Casino Royale and Batman Begins. I really have to go with Psycho for worst remake. I actually saw that in the theater. More people got up and left in the middle of that than any other movie I've been to. At the end all of us left just turned to each other and were like, "what the hell was that?" Biggest step down was Charade to The Truth About Charlie. Not only do you get a lame title, but you trade two of the most charismatic actors of all time in Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant for two of the least charismatic in Mark Wahlberg and Thandie Newton. I'm not saying they're bad actors, I'm just saying they don't wow me with personality. Also note I mentioned Godzilla above.

Q: Has there ever been a film that you thought was great until the last 10 minutes, which ruined it for you? I felt this way after watching Premonition and Less Than Zero. (although Less Than Zero really made me see Robert Downey Jr. in a whole new light.)

Are there any horror/thriller films out there that you think are truly terrifying?

What about Christmas? It's coming up soon, and I'm really wanting to start a whole "watch one holiday film per day until Christmas" starting on Dec 1. I need some recommendations.
-Dirk

A: Another one to mention for poor remake is City of Angels. I didn't love it, but I was ok with it until the end when a semi hits Meg Ryan. It's a spoiler on a 10 year old movie, suck it. Basically the message we are left with is that in order to really love someone you have to fuck them. We're not talking making love, we're saying screwing like animals on the Discovery Channel. Then Nicholas Cage turns into Super Emo man and you want to tell him to just go get a five dollar whore and move on. Contact was mentioned recently in the column and that's a movie that I didn't care for until the end when I really hated it. Jodie Foster's character first hand knows that there are aliens, but she won't admit there are aliens. That pretty much shoots her character arc in the foot. So, I guess I didn't come up with any movies I thought were great until the last ten minutes, but more were ok to sucky and then made me want to throw a brick through the screen. Can we just count that?

I might have one for you next week with The Serpent and the Rainbow that a reader asked about that I need to watch for terrifying horror movies. Horror movies really don't scare me. Sometimes I can get a good jolt or be creeped out. The Fly remake mentioned above really gets me when Seth starts mutating and we see his body parts falling off. Body horror usually gets me, anything with weird transformations. There's some stuff in the first few Hellraisers that get me on that front. The end of the original Wicker Man is really unsettling. For some odd reason the start of Carrie always weirded me out too. It's all in the way Sissy Spacek plays it.

Ok, now let's shift big time to Christmas movies. First, various Christmas Carol adaptations.



Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962): Several animated versions of A Christmas Carol have been done over the years, including ones starring the Looney Tunes and Disney characters. This one is unique with nearsighted Mr. Magoo playing the lead of Scrooge in a stage musical as we get a sort of play within a play. Bob Merrill and Jule Styne wrote the song "People" for this special, but submitted it too late for consideration. So they put it in their musical Funny Girl where it became a big hit for Barbara Streisand.



Scrooged (1988): Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is a television executive visited by the rotting corpse of his dead boss (John Forsythe). He's urged to change his ways and is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past as a cabdriver (David Johansen, aka Buster Poindexter) and the Ghost of Christmas Present as a sadistic fairy (Carol Kane). Frank hooks up with his old girlfriend (Karen Allen) and turns the overly lavish adaptation of a Christmas Carol his network was doing into a real yuletide love fest. Bobcat Goldthwait has a great bit part as fired peon Elliot Loudermilk who goes off the deep end.



The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992): Michael Caine stars as Scrooge in this fairly typical adaptation, it just has Muppets in it. Kermit plays Bob Cratchet with Miss Piggy as his wife. Statler and Waldorf play Bob Marley in a dual part. Most Muppets pop up as themselves or other characters with Gonzo and Rizzo doing the narration. George Carlin among others was considered for the lead.

Ebbie (1995): Soap opera diva Susan Lucci stars as a female Scrooge in this modern update television film. All of the traditional male roles of a Christmas Carol are played by women with Wendy Crewson as Roberta Cratchet, Lorena Gale as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Jennifer Clement and Nicole Parker as two different ghosts of Christmas Past.

Ebenezer (1997): The now departed Jack Palance stars as Scrooge with the story moved to the wild west. Scrooge here is a land baron, card cheat and aged gunfighter in the Klondike. Rick Schroeder plays a cowpoke screwed over by Scrooge seeking revenge in a subplot that really doesn't go anywhere.



A Christmas Carol-The Musical (2004): This was a television special of the mid-nineties stage musical. The story is pretty close to typical versions with songs thrown in. The good all star cast features Kelsey Grammar as Scrooge, Jason Alexander as Jacob Marley, Jennifer Love Hewitt as Emily, Jane Krakowski as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Jesse Martin as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Geraldine Chaplin as the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Ok, Santa Claus themed movies.



Miracle on 34th Street (1947): Doris Walker (Maureen O'Hara) works for Macy's in New York and is in charge of putting together their Thanksgiving Day parade. When her Santa is unavailable for the parade she finds a new man (Edmund Gwenn) who takes his place. The thing is this guy is the real Santa Claus or at least thinks he is. He becomes a sensation at the store and even helps to teach Doris' very grown up little girl Susan (Natalie Wood) about Christmas. Santa fails a mental exam and is put away. It's up to lawyer Fred (John Payne) who was romancing Doris to prove that Kris Kringle is who he says he is and get him out of the asylum. It's been remade several times, most recently in 1994 with Richard Attenborough, Mara Wilson, Elizabeth Perkins and Dylan McDermott.



Santa Claus (1959): In this Mexican film Santa Clause teams up with Merlin the Magician to defeat the devil and his minion Pitch. I think I got stoned, built a time machine, wrote this movie, returned to the present and forgot about it.



Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): Martians realize their children are unhappy because they watch earth TV and see Santa Claus (John Call) giving out presents. So they kidnap Santa and two earth children (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti). Santa helps the Martians get their own toy factory and Christmas holiday underway. A particularly surly Martian named Voldar (Vincent Beck) attempts to undermine Santa and his work. Pia Zadora of many future bad films makes her debut here as a Martian child.

The Night They Saved Christmas (1984): An oil company is exploring oil drilling and blasting in the arctic. Their work threatens the home of Santa Claus (Art Carney). He seeks out Claudia Baldwin (Jaclyn Smith) whose husband (Paul Le Mat) works for the drilling company and her two children for help. June Lockhart plays Mrs. Claus with Paul Williams as Ed the elf. Sarah Palin hates this movie.



Santa Claus-The Movie (1985): This film set out to be the definitive movie of the Santa Clause mythos and was hyped as a major blockbuster, but flopped big time. The first half of the film introduces Santa Claus (David Huddelston) and his wife (Judy Cornwell) as a kind elderly couple who makes toys for local children. They are caught in a snowstorm and find themselves at the North Pole in a workshop ran by elves. Burgess Meredith as an old elf fills the couple in on their new mission in life. The second half of the film concerns elf Patch (Dudley Moore) going out in the real world and being manipulated by an evil toy magnate (John Lithgow chewing scenery with abandon) to use elf magic and toy making know-how for profit. This causes Santa to doubt his place in the modern world until he meets a special boy (Christian Fitzpatrick) and girl (Carrie Kei Heim) who need his help.



Ernest Saves Christmas (1988): Santa Claus (Douglas Seale) travels to Florida to find his successor in a children's show host named Joe Carruthers (Oliver Clark). However, Joe has recently lost his job and starts to question his devotion to children and belief in the magic of Christmas. Santa is helped on his mission by bumbling cab driver Ernest (Jim Varney) and a runaway teen in need of a family (Noelle Parker). One of the most popular and profitable films of the Ernest series.



The Santa Clause (1994): Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) is a toy executive who accidentally kills Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. He and his son Charlie (Eric Lloyd) take over to deliver all the presents. However, by putting on the red coat of Santa, Calvin is the new Santa Claus and is briefed of his duties by Bernard the head elf (David Krumholtz). Calvin doesn't want the job, but he has no choice as he gets fat, grows a beard he can't shave and smells like cookies. He eventually accepts the role, but Charlie's mom (Wendy Crewson) and step dad (Judge Reinhold) think Scott is cracking up and is making Charlie crazy too.



The Santa Clause 2 (2002): Scott Calvin is firmly entrenched as Santa Claus. However, some odd things start happening and Bernard reveals the Mrs. Clause that Santa must have a wife by the coming Christmas. Additionally his son Charlie has wound up on the naughty list as he's having a hard time coping with his dad never there by being Santa as he is now a teen. Scott returns to the real world to help Charlie and find a wife, which he does in Charlie's principal Carol (Elizabeth Mitchell). While away elf Curtis (Spencer Breslin) has created a robot Santa who eventually flips out and threatens Christmas.



The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006): Mrs. Claus is pregnant and Santa brings her parents (Alan Arkin and Ann-Margaret) to the North Pole while trying to cover up everything and make them think he's a toy maker in Canada. Also along are Santa's ex-wife, her new husband and their daughter Lucy (Liliana Mumy). Meanwhile, Jack Frost (Martin Short) learns about the escape clause from Curtis and tricks Scott Calvin into giving up being Santa by going back in time to the night he put on the magic red coat. Frost becomes Santa and Calvin reverts to his old self, but he fights back to reclaim the mantle and eventually confesses all to his in-laws while Lucy's warm hug melts the frozen heart of Jack Frost. My two year old niece Madison love this movie and refers to it as "Jingle Bells."



The Polar Express (2004): This film is based on the classic children's book. Live actors and sets were shot and then digitally stripped out and animated over in cgi using the new digital capturing technology Imagemotion. This was the first film released in I-Max and regular theaters at the same time. It under performed expectation even though it grossed over $170 million dollars and critical reviews were not as good as hoped. Rotten Tomatoes has it listed as 57% fresh. Tom Hanks plays multiple roles including Santa Claus and the conductor of a magical train that whisks a young boy who is unsure if he believes in Santa and others to the North Pole for a magical night.

Let's go with Christmas themed horror movies.



Tales from the Crypt (1972): The original film based on the EC Comics has a segment dealing with Joanne (Joan Collins) killing her husband on Christmas Eve. Before she can dispose of the body she sees a serial killer on the loose outside her house, but she can't call the cops for help or they will discover her crime.



Black Christmas (1974): A sorority house is plagued by disturbing phone calls right before Christmas break. Even after Clare (Lynn Griffin) disappears the police (led by John Saxon) are little concerned. They only get interested when a little girl is found dead in a park near the sorority house. Somehow connected is the story of Jess (Olivia Hussey) and her boyfriend Peter (Keir Dullea) who are contemplating an abortion. Other sorority sisters are played by Margot Kidder and Andrea Martin. Martin's role originally went to Gilda Radner, but she landed "Saturday Night Live" shortly before filming. Saxon's part was intended for screen veteran Edmund O'Brien, but his health bottomed out. Bette Davis was set to play housemother Mrs. Mac at one point and Malcolm McDowell refused the role of Peter. Dullea wound up filming the part in a week's time and is edited into scenes with Saxon and Kidder that he never played with them. A remake came out a few years ago.



You Better Watch Out, aka Christmas Evil (1980): A young boy is traumatized when he finds out that Santa Claus is not real. He eventually grows up (Brandon Maggert) to be obsessed with the Christmas season and toy making. To that end he works at a local toy factory. Hypocrisy, cynicism and a lack of the Christmas spirit makes him snap and he goes on a killing spree feeling that he is the only one who can truly judge who is naughty and who is nice.



Don't Open ‘til Christmas (1984): A psychopath is killing men in Santa suits in jolly old England. Inspector Harris (Edmund Purdom) is put on his trail even though he'd rather not have the case. His only real leads come from reporter Giles (Alan Lake). Purdom started out as director, but quit after producers tied his hands. Derek Ford took over for just two days until Ray Selfe came in and did some rewrites with Al McGoohan. The movie finally got released after two years of work.



Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984): Billy sees his parents murdered by a thief dressed like Santa Claus and is sent to an orphanage where a strict mother superior (Lilyan Chauvin) further traumatizes him. As an adult (Robert Brian Wilson) he gets a job in a department store. Everything goes well until he has to dress like Santa, which causes him to snap and go on a killing spree. Parents groups upon initial release heavily protested the film. It was pulled from theaters soon after release, but found a cult following on video.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987): Director Harry Lee was charged with re-cutting the original film with a couple new scenes to make it look like a new movie. Only about half the movie are parts of the original with the new bits done in 10 days. None of the cast or crew was ever paid. Ricky (Eric Freeman) is the brother of the original killer. He is released from the orphanage and seeks revenge for his brother on those who wronged him, including the Mother Superior (Jean Miller).

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-Better Watch Out (1989): Ricky (Bill Moseley) is brought out of a coma by a deranged scientist (Richard Beymer). Somehow his experiments with ESP have psychically linked Ricky with a young blind woman (Samantha Scully) going to see her grandmother (Elizabeth Hoffman) with her brother Chris (Eric DaRe) and his girlfriend (Laura Harring). They are helped by a grizzled cop (Robert Culp).

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4-Initition (1990): This film has little to do with the other movies. Clint Howard plays a character named Ricky, but he doesn't seem to be the same character from the other films. A woman is thrown off of a building near Christmas time. A young reporter named Kim (Neith Hunter) investigates and is led by a bookstore owner (Maud Adams) into a cult that worships the Egyptian god Isis.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5-The Toy Maker (1992): Again this isn't connected much to the first few films although Kim and Ricky from the last movie pop up. Derrick (William Thorne) sees his father killed by a strange looking toy delivered to their house near Christmas. There is an odd toy maker named Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney) that lives and works nearby. Could the toy have come from him, or possibly the shadowy figure stalking Joe and Derrick? Do you really care? Probably not. Interestingly Rooney wrote a letter of protest concerning the first film to support the picketing parents groups.

We'll get to more Christmas movies I'm sure as the season draws closer.



We've got a few left over questions for next week, so don't die.

"Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two."