Misunderstood Masterpieces: Dolemite
Posted by Will Helm on 05.14.2003
…or, Watch out for Big, Long, Hairy Things
Welcome again to another wonderful edition of Misunderstood Masterpieces. This time, we’re taking it old school…all the way back to 1975. America’s first appointed president was in office (Gerald Ford), Watergate had just happened, America’s involvement in Vietnam was winding to a close, and “blaxploitation” cinema was in full swing. Nowadays, however, people in the industry would probably refer to it as “urban,” as if every black in America lives in a city. Anyway, films like Shaft, Superfly, and Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song showed a grim inner-city reality of crime and blight, where the hero would generally be a villain in more mainstream pictures and the true villain would always be a pawn of the archetypal “Man.” Though generally plagued with minuscule budgets and very limited exposure, these films (and their modest success) provided an open door for later black filmmakers. Now, back in 1975, whether to cash in on the “blaxploitation” movement or make a film to stand on its own, a picture was made bringing to life a character created by cult-comic Rudy Ray Moore…that character: a badass kung-fu pimp by the name of Dolemite. Can you dig it?
The film begins, suddenly, in a prison, where Dolemite (Moore) is called in for a meeting with the warden. This film is generally bad with naming characters, so excuse me if I insert some “witty” nicknames for the unnamed. Anyway, Dolemite enters the office of Warden Helmet-Head, who is currently meeting with Mama Queen Bee (Lady Reed), Dolemite’s madam and second-in-command of his prostitution empire. It seems that Warden Helmet-Head is not only a government appointee, but also a jive-talking straight-shooter as well. Good for him to be up on the patois. After a little hinting at Dolemite’s background, specifically why he’s locked up, we’re treated to the World’s Most Abrupt Flashback™, which will demonstrate what was just explained to us. It seems that crooked FBI agents Mushmouth, Fatso, and Clumsy set up Dolemite with some stolen furs and cocaine in the back of his Cadillac. Rather than get sent to prison for crimes he did not commit, Dolemite fights for his life…while Jim Belushi-lookalike Mushmouth mumbles, Fatso gets kicked into the trunk and bleeds for no reason, and Clumsy falls over the hedge. The might of three inept FBI agents overpowers Dolemite, however, and he meets with their leader, corrupt detective “Smarmy-Guy” Mitchell (William Bryant). Dolemite gets sent off and we learn that Mitchell is in league with Some Guy (D’Urville Martin). We learn later that not only is D’Urville Martin the director of the picture, but he also portrays Dolemite’s nemesis, Willie Green…that’s who “Some Guy” is. Back to present day 1975, Warden Helmet-Head offers Dolemite a deal: release from prison only if he promises to help clean up the streets. Dolemite accepts, Queen Bee (who the warden once refers to as “Queenie”) starts crying immediately, and all is well. And this is all before the opening credits…
…Which begin NOW! Oddly, they feature, in addition to some sweet funk rip-off of the legendary “Shaft Theme,” scenes to come in the movie. It’s almost like the credits are a preview as well. After the credits, a GIANT Cadillac comes to pick up Dolemite from prison, manned by the cream of his hooker crop. Just outside the gates of the prison, Dolemite gets changed from an insurance-salesman suit to his proper sky-blue-and-white pimp-wear. He makes sure to leave the prison-issued suit with Prison Guard #2 (who looks suspiciously like Stephen Dorff); we must all bow in reverence to Prison Guard #2, as he makes the most of his screen-time and line, over-emoting “No Dolemite, we’ll keep ‘em here! You’ll be back!” I can feel it, brother…I can feel it. Now that’s ACTING! In the back of the Caddy, Dolemite is quickly undressed by two of his stable (why’d he bother in the first place?) and gets some sweet backseat lovin’. Unfortunately, they’re also being followed, which leads to some of the inept FBI guys getting ambushed by a very enraged Dolemite. You NEVER interrupt a man when he’s getting lovin’ from two hookers in the back of a Cadillac! NEVER! Dolemite tortures a Duane Allman-lookalike and one of his associates gets castrated with a straight razor. Ouch.
We now cut to Dolemite’s mirror-and-velour bedecked pad, where Queen Bee brings him and us up to speed with what’s been going on in the neighborhood. It turns out Willie Green has taken over Dolemite’s club, but Queen Bee wisely put all of Dolemite’s girls through karate school. This came in handy when some guy named “Joe Blow,” who proclaimed to be the “lover-man,” told one of the girls that they “should be paying me, bitch.” According to Queen Bee, he still has his “ass in a sling.” Good to know for future reference. Meanwhile, the aforementioned Willie Green tours his bathhouse, where we learn that dorky, pasty white men do enjoy happy endings. A little later, Dolemite gets more action, while VERY visibly intoxicated. It’s a wonder he can do anything with all that Courvossier running through his veins.
After his drunken sex binge, Dolemite gets hassled by “Smarmy-Guy” Mitchell and his partner, “White-Bread” White. Turns out that not only is Mitchell a crooked cop…he’s also now a jive-talking cokehead. A lot must’ve happened while Dolemite was in the pokey; before then, Mitchell could barely understand anything Dolemite said! Dolemite fends them off with some phantom kung-fu (not one punch or kick makes contact with anything!). The cops are left covered in cocaine, but the clean up quickly and visit the Reverend Gibbs (West Gale), who has a small congregation but a very large arsenal. I wonder if he knows John Matrix? The right reverend explains the need for high-caliber armaments and the cops leave, dejected. Aww…poor babies.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we meet the true star of our film, everyone’s favorite cuddly inner-city heroin addict: CREEPER! Marvel as he clumsily hits on a very sassy Dionne Warwick-looking hamburger cart employee! Revel as he stumbles down the street! (Meanwhile, an interlude featuring story-time with Dolemite.) Feel the love as he shares a “moment” with Dolemite, who promises to “whup some bread on him” in return for information! Cheer as we go to the Casa de Creeper, where he cooks up a huge shot of smack! Drool with excitement as Creeper nearly passes out, prompting Dolemite to slap him around a bit! Alright…enough of that. It’s silly. Now, sadly, just before telling Dolemite who killed his cousin Jimmy, Creeper conveniently steps just in front of the door, through which two denim-clad afroed henchmen bust through and plug Creeper. Dolemite is quick to act, though…he kills one of the baddies with a sideways-shooting gun and then beats the other to death while barking. Mitchell and White are on the scene, however, and book Dolemite for murder or, as White puts it (while stepping on Mitchell’s line), “slaughter.”
We now meet FBI Agent Boring-Guy (actually, it’s Agent Blakeley…played by Jerry Jones, who also wrote the script), who visits with the reverend. Turns out that the reverend is getting some plus-sized lovin’, but Blakeley rudely interjects himself. This movie really has a problem with coitus interruptus, doesn’t it? Blakeley roughs up the reverend and then visits Dolemite in jail. He takes time to knock over a perp’s domino sculpture while there…ooh yeah, he’s a badass. A little later, Dolemite gets bailed out by one of his former girls, Peggy…um, or Pinky. Sometimes they call her Peggy, sometimes Pinky. I dunno. They go back to Penky’s place, where she achieves a spontaneous orgasm. She then starts talking about Willie Green, which unleashes the fury of Dolemite! He slaps her around a bit and then we witness what can either be rough sex or a bear mauling. Since it’s not the Discovery Channel, I’ll wager it’s the former…although Dolemite did bark earlier!
It seems, after more lovin’, that Dolemite wishes to take back his club, The Total Experience. Personally, I think we’ve seen enough of Dolemite’s “experiences,” thankyaverymuch! Anyway, Dolemite goes to the club, where he cuts up a carpet, throws down the money he owes Willie Green, and kicks some henchman ass. Just to add insult to injury, Willie Green comes in about five seconds after Dolemite leaves, inspects the damage, and kicks his own henchmen’s ass. I hope I’m never in the position to be an underworld henchman. There’s too much ass kicking for my tastes. After his very hostile takeover, Dolemite and Queen Bee go to the karate school, where they watch the girls train. Dolemite then explains what he’s just done and gives his army of kung-fu hookers a pep talk.
It’s now time to meet Mayor Daly (Monty Pike…who looks like the love child of Ron Jeremy and Clint Howard)! Yay! And you know he must be a good one because, even though his city is rife with crime and depravation, he still has a party for his well-heeled constituents featuring a funk band. That’s one hip mayor! And, proving his hipness, he does a laughably bad Richard Nixon-impression. Perhaps called by the dulcet tones of a former president, Willie Green shows up at the mayor’s door. He roughs up a snooty butler and then meets with the mayor, who suddenly starts talking like a cheesy villain! Sadly, he doesn’t take time to tie anyone to railroad tracks or twirl his mustache. Also, for a crime-lord named “Mr. Big,” the mayor is awfully short. I wonder if he has compensation issues or something….
Facing a change of heart and face-to-face with Dolemite, the reverend comes clean about Willie Green. Dolemite then goes to the waterfront, where he snorts a fish. This leads to the grand opening of Dolemite’s Total Experience, featuring more sweet funk, some terrible lip-synching, and a woefully stereotypical “African” dance number…which bores the crowd unmercifully. Luckily, they get more story-time with Dolemite! Hooray! Willie Green crashes the party and, after Dolemite rejects Willie Green’s offer of a legitimate business partnership, all hell breaks loose. It’s the final showdown between Willie Green’s men and Dolemite’s kung-fu hookers (as well as the Total Experience’s cook, it seems)! After a show of badly choreographed martial arts, Dolemite and Willie Green face off…and Dolemite disposes of his rival with a badly aimed titty-twister. How’s that for climactic! Drunken Master 2 it ain’t! Agent Blakeley pumps a few rounds into Willie and rescues Dolemite.
While getting some lovin’ from Penky, the mayor is rudely interrupted (again!?!) by news of Willie Green’s demise. We are now treated to something I never EVER wanted to see: the mayor’s hindquarters. Thank you, movie! In another change of heart, Penky turns on the mayor and kills his housekeeper in the shower. The towel-clad mayor (please…I beg you, towel…STAY ON!) then strangles Penky to death. Agent Blakeley, who was about to be killed by Agent Fatso and a new Agent Mushmouth, chases the mayor SLOWLY through the streets of Los Angeles and then shoots the mayor dead at the airport. Honestly, the movie can end here and we’d all be happy…unfortunately, it doesn’t end quite yet, as it seems there was a contract put out on Dolemite. Uh-oh. Some overacting hitmen come to the hospital where Dolemite is being treated, but they’re quickly and easily disposed of. Mitchell and White then show up and Agent Blakeley arrests them too! Go, Agent Blakeley, go! A little denouement and some narrative closing-credits music and away we go…
You know, before I get letters and all that, allow me to say that this movie, with all it’s flaws, abrupt cuts, and bizarre pacing, is actually very entertaining. I didn’t say it was good, mind you…but entertaining. It’s fun. Oh…I bet you’re wondering just what the “big, long, hairy things” are? Well…allow me to explain. If there’s one thing this movie has in multitudes it’s BOOM SHOTS! What’s a boom shot? It’s whenever the boom microphone shows up within the frame of the picture. If you ever find yourself bored with this movie, just run your eyes around the outside of the frame…every once in a while, you’ll see a big, long, often-times hairy thing enter the picture, sometimes for minutes on end. It’s really funny and very nearly a trademark of this film. And I bet you were thinking I was talking about something else with that allusion…shame on all of you!
