Misunderstood Masterpieces: Big Trouble In Little China
Posted by Will Helm on 05.21.2003
… or, Remind Me When a Certain Joke Gets Old
Asian productions have earned a place of honor in American cinema. From the thoughtful and paced films of Akira Kurosawa to the action-packed kung-fu flicks of the ‘70s to the hard-boiled crime thrillers of John Woo, Asians have brought a different and delightful point-of-view to filmmaking. One of the more important keys to the quality of Asian films is that they are made by Asians; when a Westerner attempts to emulate the nuances of Asian movies, usually it just becomes an adventure in cliches. Case in point: John Carpenter’s 1986 offering Big Trouble in Little China. Want to see Asian stereotypes distilled by the skills of a Western sci-fi director? Check this out…
We open in a scene very similar to The Usual Suspects. Of course, this predates that film by nine years, so how are they to know? Anyway, a smarmy attorney guy is interviewing Egg Shen (Victor Wong), a well-dressed but maniacally insane-looking elderly Asian man. After talking, talking, and yet more talking, most of which involves the attorney-guy quizzing Egg on various elements of Chinese mythology, Egg gets annoyed enough to shoot lightning between his hands. Just remember kids: don’t piss off an elderly Asian who can shoot lightning from his hands. That’s a tip from me to you. After the third-rate magic show in the attorney’s office, the movie finally (sort-of) begins and we are introduced to Jack Burton (Kurt Russell), badass trucker. He travels the US of A in his trusty truck, the Pork Chop Express, and hosts what seems to be an advice show on his CB radio. One of my favorite credits appears here too: “Music by John Carpenter”; ooh, not only can he direct, he can play a synthesizer too.
Jack pulls his truck into a very damp and seedy Asian market, where he delivers some hogs, enjoys some tasty dim sum, and gambles. A lot. I guess there’s nothing else to do when you’re done delivering hogs and eating potstickers. Here we meet Jack’s foil, the angry but lovable Asian guy Wang Chi (Dennis Dun). Wang loses a huge bet to Jack, but doesn’t have the money, so he cons Jack into taking him back to his restaurant. Hmm, that’s not stereotypical at all. At least he doesn’t own a dry cleaners or work as an IT consultant. En route to the restaurant, Wang also cons Jack into going to the airport to pick up Wang’s girlfriend who’s coming in from Beijing. Wang’s really asking a lot for a guy who owes a man two grand. Maybe he can shoot lightning too so Jack can’t argue.
At the airport, Jack makes time with Kim Cattrall while Wang waits for his girlfriend, Miao Yin (Suzee Pai). Miao’s an attractive enough girl, but for some reason she doesn’t seem like someone who comes from mainland China. Not that I would know, of course…but she seems oddly Western. It turns out that Ms. Pai is from the exotic locale of Toledo, Ohio. That would probably explain it. Just when we think everything’s going to be fine for the happy couple, Miao is kidnapped by the Lords of Death, a trio of Asian ‘80s fashion victims. Nothing says manly and threatening like sleeveless black denim jackets. Oh, and sunglasses with slits instead of lenses. I never got that, honestly, as well as the old sunglasses with the louvers in place of lenses. Was it a desire to look like the rear window of an ’84 Camaro? Just curious. By the way, remind me, if the opportunity ever arises, not to fly into San Francisco…a fight between truckers and Asian gang members may break out at any time.
Speaking of which, Jack and Wang follow the Lords of Death’s sweet ride deep into the heart of Chinatown…or the Chinatown soundstage, as the case may be. Jack loses the trail of the Lords of Bad Fashion and runs right into an Asian funeral parade. Things seem all well and good with some peaceful mourning until a bunch of guys wearing black and red and armed to the teeth show up. Wang explains all the significance of Chinatown gang warfare, just in case the viewer is really dense, and a showdown quickly ensues. Remind me never to go to a funeral in Chinatown. After some silent staring and some screaming, we get the Crips versus the Bloods, Asian-style. There’s nothing like a martial arts battle in the middle of an alley with weapons ranging from cleavers and poles to Thompson sub-machine guns. Then again, this is the only time I’ve seen such an occurrence, so there may be better things. After some righteous fighting, out of the sky, neither a bird nor a plane appears, but the Three Storms: Rain, Thunder, and Lightning. Of course there’s serious allusions to Chinese mythology, but why bother explaining it when there’s unmitigated violence to dole out? As if on cue, the Three Storms start slaughtering both sides and Jack wisely gets out of Dodge. Sadly, on his way out of the alley, Jack runs over Lo Pan (James Hong) with his truck. Lo Pan, as is everyone else in every movie I’ve done, is PERFECTLY UNHARMED!!! He also takes time to puke light, but I’m sure that’s not related to getting flattened by a Freightliner.
After finally escaping the vaguely mythological villains, Jack settles down at Wang’s restaurant, where we meet maitre d’ and helpful provider of exposition and comic relief, Eddie Lee (Donald Li). While he explains what’s going on in the world of Chinese gangland warfare, overemotional lawyer Gracie Law (Kim Cattrall) busts in! A lawyer named Law…how novel! Gracie helpfully explains that Miao may or may not have been taken to the White Tiger, a Chinatown brothel. Either that or it’s the underworld alias for Sigfreid and Roy. The slowly developing Scooby gang hops in Eddie’s pink Cadillac and heads over to the house of ill repute. Jack enters disguised as a cheesy tourist while Gracie calms Margo the jittery journalist (Kate Burton). After Jack makes an ass of himself to the madams that run the White Tiger and chats up a young hooker from Hong Kong, the Three Storms show up for more mythologically inspired violence. Remind me never to go to a whorehouse in Chinatown. Everyone runs around uselessly while the Three Storms kidnap Miao! Methinks that’s a bad thing.
Back at Wang’s restaurant, the extraneous members of the Scooby gang provide more exposition, but it seems Jack can’t handle the truth. Egg Shen shows up and Wang and Jack leave to go on a little adventure: infiltrating the headquarters of David Lo Pan, who may or may not have something to do with the aforementioned truck-immune Lo Pan. Just to clue you in ahead of time…they’re both played by Asian über-actor James Hong, so draw your own conclusions. Jack and Wang slip past the security by masquerading as loud and inept late-night telephone repairmen. While this is going on, Egg explains that Chinese philosophy is not unlike a salad bar as well as providing yet more exposition. Back in the Lo Pan HQ, Wang and Jack take an elevator down to the Hell of the Upside-Down Sinners and are quickly captured by the now very well-dressed Three Storms. Those Storms, they be stylin’.
Now that Jack and Wang are safely lashed to a couple of old, rickety wheelchairs, it’s time to play Meet the Villain! And, wheeling down in a tricked-out motorized wheelchair of his own, is David Lo Pan, a crotchety old Asian dude…who looks quite reminiscent of Anna Nicole Smith’s dead husband. Even though he’s about a zillion years old, big Dave busts out the patois of the streets while scolding our two unlikely heroes. That’s one hip geriatric. While the stern talking-to is going on, the rest of the Scooby gang tries to follow into the headquarters but gets quickly captured. Jack and Wang are later isolated so Wang can take time to explain more Chinese mythology in peace. After the lesson, Jack, Wang, and later Eddie escape and arm themselves. Sadly, they’re not very threatening. While all this is going on, David Lo Pan becomes a human nightlight; oh, wait…he’s just transforming from a crusty old geezer to a horny Immortal.
Jack, Wang, and Eddie finally track down where Margo and Gracie are being held and Wang and Eddie take on some badass karate chicks. Jack, wisely, plays Mr. Slick and breaks out Gracie, Margo, and all the other fine ladies of Cell Block A. Judas Priest is no where to be seen, unfortunately. To flee the wrath the red-and-black gang and the Three Storms, the Scooby gang goes for a swim. During the great escape, it becomes known that Gracie has the hots for Jack. OK, he grizzled and rugged and “Jack” sounds very much like “Jake”; I think it works. After miraculously drying at a high rate of speed, the Scooby gang attempts to escape while Wang regulates; sadly, Gracie gets kidnapped by a monster made of latex and hair. Why? Well, we later learn that Lo Pan has a crush on Gracie. That’s one messed up love triangle. It’s awful having to share your significant other with an Asian apparition with a bad case of blue balls. Oh, for those keeping track, Eddie has a crush on Margo as well. Remind me never to go to a junior high school in Chinatown.
We again enter the wonderful world of exposition, as Lo Pan takes time to explain it all. Blah blah blah…needs to marry…kill wife…become mortal. Same ol’ story. One of these days I’d love to see a film where the villain actually knows when to SHUT UP! Villains talk far too much; maybe they’re evil because they’re trying to bore people to death. Meanwhile, Egg has brought the black-and-yellow gang to reinforce the Scooby gang. Jack, Wang, Egg, and the black-and-yellow guys go to Egg’s headquarters, where Wang explains that Egg is both a lovable old kook and a rich old badass. That’s quite a bit of disparity. Back at Lo Pan’s, the Three Storms do some calisthenics to hypnotize Gracie and Miao. The quasi-mystical aerobics routine must work, as the ladies willingly grab swords, levitate, and fondle a light fixture. They are rewarded for all of this by getting tarted up.
We now pause our film for a little bit of exposition, as Egg leads the troops underneath Chinatown and talks all about evil things and lifeblood of the earth and so on and such. Meanwhile, Lo Pan’s wedding preparations are in full swing…how sweet! I’m about ready to tear up. Or not. Though distracted by the possibility of long-awaited wedding-night boot knockin’, Lo Pan wisely sends out an eyeball-thingee to spy on the interlopers. Jack shoots it. That’ll learn ‘em. After seeing Lo Pan’s wedding chapel, replete with massive amounts of neon, it is a safe assumption that thousands of years of “life” as a spirit form does not equal good taste. Damn that’s one tacky room! Anyway, the good guys, aware that they’re going to a wedding, start celebrating early as they drink some of Egg’s homemade hooch and start getting all tingly-like. Our inebriated heroes break into the wedding and all hell quickly breaks loose! Remind me never to go to a wedding…oh, never mind. Wang pairs up against Rain, Egg and Lo Pan play a magical version of Mortal Kombat, and Jack does absolutely nothing. Smart man, that Jack.
After moving on to the next game level – I mean scene – Egg disappears, Wang takes on Thunder, and Jack gets some sweet Gracie lovin’. While this is going on, we learn that Miao speaks remarkably good English for someone who came to the U.S. from Beijing only a day or so before. Somewhere in all of this, Jack anticlimactically kills Lo Pan and Thunder inflates and explodes. You’d think someone would’ve been nice enough to get him a Gas-X or something. Egg miraculously returns to rescue the heroes and crush Lightning with a Buddha statue. You know, it seems like once Rain gets killed off, everyone else goes pretty easily. I mean, Rain fights quite tenaciously for his life while Lo Pan gets easily killed with a knife to his head, Thunder explodes himself, and Lightning gets crushed with a statue. That’s so lame. Now that everyone’s been taken care of, the heroes finally get out of there, Jack finds his truck, and there’s much rejoicing. Wang’s happy with Miao, Eddie’s happy with Margo, and Jack ditches Gracie for the open road. I bet it’s because she’s a lawyer. Back at the helm of the Pork Chop Express, Jack hosts his CB radio show and the hirsute rubber monster pops up behind him! Feel the suspense!
I know I probably disappoint some of you out there, but I enjoy this movie. Yes, it’s full of the usual Asian stereotypes; yes, it glosses over serious elements of Chinese mythology just to make more time for action; and yes, it is completely and utterly disposable, devoid of any real moral or meaning. But it’s FUN! Sometimes something must be said for mindless entertainment…and this, my friends, is a prime example. Just don’t let it get to your heads (otherwise you’ll all forget how to read and there goes my audience!).
