Misunderstood Masterpieces: Starship Troopers
Posted by Will Helm on 05.28.2003
…or, Beautiful People Versus the Bugs
Sometimes a director, like a musical act, can be a one-hit wonder. There are times when a filmmaker shows such promise with their first major offering and then proceeds to produce some of the most god-awful movies imaginable. A consistency such as that in the mercurial industry of cinema must be rewarded…and I’m just the guy to do it. So now, without further adieu, I give you the FIRST inductee to the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame: Paul Verhoeven. Welcome to the MMHoF, Paul! (silence) OK, Mr. Verhoeven couldn’t be here today, so please allow me to tell you about our guest of honor (cue inspirational music):
Paul Verhoeven was born on July 18, 1938, in beautiful Amsterdam, Holland. He did stuff and learned stuff and grew up. In 1960, he began directing films with unpronounceable Dutch titles. This went on for about 25 years until he directed the English-titled Rutger Hauer vehicle Flesh & Blood, but that’s not really important. What is important is his first major American production: a little sci-fi satire called RoboCop. Bitingly witty; slick; and, most importantly, extremely violent, RoboCop made tons of money and a name for Mr. Verhoeven in the crazy world that is Hollywood. One would think such a promising start would lead to pictures of great quality…but one would be wrong. In 1990, three years after RoboCop (do your own math), Mr. Verhoeven directed Arnold Schwarzenegger Goes to Mars, more commonly known as Total Recall. Riding the awesome cinematic power that is Schwarzenegger, Mr. Verhoeven was still a Hollywood player; his next film, however, would change the way we see Sharon Stone forever: Basic Instinct. Not content with The World’s Most Famous Crotch-Shot™, Mr. Verhoeven combined his talents with those of the writer of Basic Instinct (and MMHoF nominee), Joe Eszterhas. The fruit of their labor, Showgirls, would raise the bar of terrible dialogue, pointless plot twists, and gratuitous nudity to unforeseen levels. Shockingly, unbelievably, and in true Hollywood fashion, Mr. Verhoeven still found work…his last picture was 2000’s “Invisible Man” rip-off Hollow Man. None of those films, however, polarized the critics and viewing audience, and flopped at the box office like his 1997 offering Starship Troopers (alright, to be honest, some of them probably did; I’m just lazy and don’t feel like looking it up)…and this is the film I bring you today.
Starship Troopers, “based” on a novel by sci-fi author Robert Heinlein, is filled with excessive violence as well as wicked satire regarding the culture of the American military. It’s also, sadly, filled with stars plucked fresh from Fox’s mid-‘90s prime-time lineup. There’s a good reason for this because, as it seems from the opening of the film, FoxNews rules the world! We see a slickly produced graphics-intensive newsbreak explaining what’s going on in the world. It seems that everyone wants to join the military because the humans are planning an attack on Klandathu, a planet full of bugs. I could make the obligatory pesticide joke, but I’m sure you’d see that coming. Anyway, it seems that, during an embedded journalist’s report, that guns don’t kill people anymore, the bugs do…and quite gruesomely at that. After the ecology lesson, we go to school, where we get a history lesson from none other that the poor-man’s Gary Busey, Michael Ironside (as Lt. Jean Rasczak); it turns out that democracy failed and the military took over the government. Isn’t that a nice thought? So uplifting and cheery in this day and age. After watching square-jawed dolt Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) hit on the infinitely perky Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards) via e-mail, we’re treated to biology class, where those crazy kids (who appear to be in their late 20s) dissect a giant beetle. Carmen pukes. Great…eight minutes in and already I’m disgusted.
A word, if I may, on Ms. Richards. I don’t know what it is, but quite often, especially until recently, it appears from certain angles as if she has no nose. Is it a trick of the light? Bad makeup? Her real nose is an optical illusion? What gives?
It turns out that, unsurprisingly, Johnny is an idiot, while, surprisingly, Carmen is extremely smart. Wonders never cease. Also, their friend Carl Jenkins (Neal Patrick Harris) is a telepathic jerk. Doogie, how could you! We go to a future football game, which looks like Rollerball without the rolling. Of course, Johnny is the star wide receiver, but he’s taking passes (in many different ways) from tomboyish tough chick quarterback Dizzy Flores (Dina Meyer). Johnny also faces off with his rival for the affections of Carmen, Zander Barcalow (Patrick Muldoon). Zander may be the only person dumber than Johnny; then again, they’re all much too old to be in high school, so I don’t think any of them are the brightest bulbs around. We go to the senior prom, where we learn that even in the future pop music sucks. Things get all turned around as our slutty QB Diz hits on Johnny while Carmen makes time with Zander. Ooh, there’s TENSION!
There’s also some good old-fashioned domestic conflict as it seems Johnny wants to join the military and gain his citizenship while his parents want him to just settle down and go to Harvard. Oh, another thing…where do these all-American archetypes reside? Buenos Aires. Yes, like in Argentina. Anyway, Johnny, proving his intelligence, gives up an Ivy League education and possible inheritance for the thrill of losing a limb in the military! Nothing says “honor” like amputation. OH! But it’s time for a FoxNews break! It seems that the bugs have slaughtered a colony of Mormons on the planet Dantanna…no word on the colonies on planets Baretta and McGarrett. Johnny says goodbye to Carmen and heads off to boot camp, where he is quickly joined by his QB/stalker Dizzy and makes friends with loudmouth prick Ace Levy (Jake Busey).
For the most part, it seems that the future is populated by only beautiful people, and right now that’s a good thing as we learn that the military has co-ed showers. Got to work in that gratuitous nudity somehow. Meanwhile, it turns out that Carmen is a pilot-cadet who gets really excited about flying. What a dork! Although, in a wonderful turn of events, it turns out her trainer is none other than our good friend Zander. It’s funny how everyone’s paths keep crossing! Maybe they’ll get together and have beautiful idiot babies. Aww…how sweet. Back at boot camp, Johnny becomes self-important squad leader with a little help from Diz, but things quickly turn sour as Carmen dumps Johnny, the big dumb farmer guy’s head gets blown off, and Johnny gets stripped and lashed. Damn, I hate it when that all happens.
After loosing herself of intellectual hemorrhoid Johnny, Carmen retreats into her training while evading the ham-handed flirtations of Zander. Sadly, she becomes too interested in her mapping skills and nearly wrecks the ship she’s navigating. Women drivers! Yeah, I know…that was pathetic. Back on Earth, Johnny ponders quitting, but the bugs conveniently attack and toast his parents. There goes the inheritance. In the aftermath of the vicious attack, FoxNews is there on the scene! One thing becomes certain…one thing becomes clear…they must destroy Afgha…I mean, Klandathu! We get some wonderful militaristic carousing as Johnny and Carmen run into each other on a ship going to Klandathu. It’s really a wonder that the uniform can hold Carmen’s prodigious assets, you know. The miracles of modern engineering to say the least. Anyway, there’s more TENSION as Zander and Johnny engage in the World’s Wimpiest Barfight for the affections of Carmen.
One thing we learn about life in the military from this picture: there sure is a lot of running. Johnny, Dizzy, and the rest of the troops run to their ships, where they are dropped down to the surface of Klandathu. Once there, they run out of the ships only to run some more. There’s trouble in space, however, as the ships start getting shot down with the bugs’ answer to Star Wars. And what is this interstellar defense system? Bug farts. Ah, the noblest way to go is taking irreparable damage from projectiles emanating from the hindquarters of giant alien beetles. Lord Horatio Nelson would be proud. Meanwhile, on Klandathu, we learn that shooting at a bluescreen has little effect on the bugs, as they mercilessly slaughter most of the minority members of the infantry. Not surprising, though, since the first syllable of Klandathu is “Klan.” The future: It’s safe only if you’re beautiful, white, and dumb (or Doogie Howser, M.D.).
After the unmitigated slaughter on Klandathu, we take a time out for another FoxNews break! There’s serious government upheaval and the conservative pundit patronizes the meek liberal talking head! And somewhere a tear of joy trickles down Bill O’Reilly’s cheek. Back in orbit around Klandathu, Carmen’s ship almost explodes, but she’s (very nearly) PERFECTLY UNHARMED!!! Unfortunately, she thinks that Johnny’s dead, but that was just a prank played by Diz and Ace. Because faked casualties are funny. Our three brainless wonders get assigned to a new squad featuring sassy minorities/cannon fodder and a now-cybernetic Lt. Rasczak! Who knew a political science teacher could be a badass? The new squad starts kicking bug down on the planet, but the minorities (of course) get the worst of it. After the relatively successful battle, there’s some troop bonding and Johnny and Dizzy get intimate (featuring more gratuitous nudity). Great, the possibility of more beautiful dumb babies.
The hapless troops get sent on a mission to a remote outpost where they discover that there are BRAIN-SUCKING BUGS! Wait for the joke. It’ll come later. After the shocking breakthrough, we get treated to “When Bugs Attack! (vol. 2)” as the bugs start to overrun the outpost. Zander comes down from the sky to the rescue, but not before Rasczak and Dizzy get it. I guess they weren’t beautiful and/or dumb enough. Don’t weep for Dizzy, though; she dies happy because she got to have sex with Johnny. Oh, and guess who’s on the rescue ship as well? Carmen, of course. We get the whole uncomfortable “I-thought-you-were-dead-and-I’m-sorry-I-dumped-you” look and everything. I bet they end up together at the end of the movie. Just a hunch. Oh, and who should show up a little later but Carl! It’s really really funny how their paths just keep crossing over and over like that. Not only are they beautiful and dumb, but they’re also lucky.
Johnny’s now in charge of the squad and he wastes no time in ripping off Lt. Rasczak’s original pep talk. I bet he’d call it a “homage” if he were smart enough to use words like that…I just call it “lazy.” Somewhere during the course of the offensive, Carmen’s ship takes a direct hit from some bug flatulence and gets split in half. The captain gets killed while Zander and Carmen escape. It really sucks to be a commanding officer in this picture. Early on, after the first battle of Klandathu, the main general guy gets fired, then Lt. Rasczak gets killed, and now the captain. So at this point we know you’ll be OK if you’re beautiful, dumb, lucky, and enlisted. True to form, Carmen is miraculously PERFECTLY UNHARMED!!! This is really getting out of hand. No one can be that invulnerable. Then again, I guess there’s only one level of invulnerability, otherwise you’d be – you know – vulnerable. I could be wrong, though.
Carmen and Zander, both still unharmed and beautiful, crash-land on Klandathu and are quickly captured by the bugs. Johnny hears Carmen’s calls for help, but then he thinks she’s dead, but then she thinks she’s alive and goes to rescue her. While waiting for Johnny to show up, the bugs take Carmen and Zander to see their leader…a giant slug with a vagina on it’s face. All possibility of interspecies cunnilingus is cut off, however, as a rigid talon comes out of the slug’s facial genitalia and swiftly penetrates Zander’s skull and begins sucking out his brains! You know, it’s a wonder there was anything in there to begin with. And there’s the joke I told you all to wait for. Thank you for your patience. Luckily, just before Carmen gets the same treatment, she lops off the talon, spraying brain juice all over the place. Now who’s going to clean that up, young lady! Johnny and the boys also show up, rescue Carmen, and the minority guy makes sure to stay behind to blow himself and the bugs up. Even in victory the minorities can’t get a break! The troops capture a brain-sucking bug, Carl shows up, and everyone acts like it’s the group shot at the end of Grease. And, for your informational pleasure, FoxNews is there to take us to the closing credits. Rupert Murdoch, you’re my hero.
You know, when I first saw this movie a few years ago, I thought it was awful in a “gee-that-makes-no-sense” way. Sadly, recent events have changed that. It’s still awful, mind you – gratuitously violent, terribly predictable, and unapologetically grim – but now it has a creepy, oddly prescient aspect to it. In the future proposed by this film, the military controls the world, everyone (not formerly known as Doogie Howser) is beautiful and patriotic, and all information is filtered through one television network…a network that features slick graphics and loud, attention-grabbing news-blurbs. Six years ago, this was all silly. Today it seems strangely and frighteningly possible. And you wonder why most of the time I can’t stand science fiction…sometimes it can become science fact.
Oh…and welcome to the Hall of Fame, Mr. Verhoeven! There will surely be more to follow.
