Ten Deep 11.19.08: Greatest Henchmen of James Bond!

Posted by Lucas Huddleston on 11.19.2008

Every good egomanical overlord bent on world domination needs good toadies to carry out his dirty work for him...just ask George W. Bush! Condoleeza Rice as Xenia Onatopp? Maybe! Click on the link, and join 411's Lucas Huddleston as he counts down his top Bond henchmen!

Hello and welcome back to Ten Deep for the Week 9 edition! Lots of good things happened to me over the weekend, but first, let's get into some comments…

thedouce brought up the sword fight from the 2002 film, The Count of Monte Cristo. Yes, that was indeed a good one, and was a fair bit of oversight on my part, though the film had crossed my mind to be honest. I had originally intended to create a section of Honorable Mentions much like I did for the Star Wars fights, but titled Various Films Based on the Works of Alexander Dumas…but, unfortunately, I desperately ran out of time. Monte Cristo would've been on there, as would at least one of the many iterations of The Three Musketeers, and The Man in the Iron Mask. Oh well.

Guest #6084 inquired as to no Yoda vs. Darth Sidious, and, as Darth Mortis would later point out, it wasn't so much of a swordfight.

Same goes for The Bride vs. Elle Driver, as chesswiz77 inquired as to where it was on the list. I do agree that Kill Bill was missed on the list/mentions, and in fact the Bride/Driver fight was originally on my list…but then I watched it shortly before I posted it and, again, not a whole lot of swordplay (though I had originally thought there was in that fight). However, I could've replaced it with The Bride vs. O-Rin Ishii fight, as Michael Weyer pointed out. Instead, it opened the door for the Bond/Graves duel, much to the chagrin of M:-X. Like I said, it probably snuck on there due to my recent fixation on all things Bond, but who knows.

Canadian Wonder Down-under brought up a cool sounding documentary on swordplay that's set to be released. Also, I've been meaning to ask you, is it true that the complete animated series Conan the Adventurer (from the early 90's) has been released in Australia? If so…dammit! I've been waiting for years here in the States to see that again!

Mifune was disappointed that I didn't make mention of at least one of the many great Kurosawa samurai films that the legendary director made, and that's one of my true failings when it has come to my film watching over the years – I've never seen all that much of Kurosawa's work. Not that I don't want to…I'd love to! But, even now, my only access to DVD's in my local area is through the local Wal-Mart, and not a lot of Kurosawa films there. I've caught what I could through television, of course, but even that's been limited, at best. Naturally, I've seen The Seven Samurai, and Kagemusha, and maybe one more but that's it. Whenever I happen to come across one, I buy it instantly…but that's few and far between. I know that I'm really missing out there. Damn.

Airk pointed out that the end of Rob Roy had Rob grabbing the end of Cunningham's rapier before killing him. I thought that I had written that part, but…I must've not noticed its omission on my read through. That really sucks, because the whole thing about my blurb on that fight was going for a blow-by-blow, super-descriptive thing. Couldn't have happened at a worse time, I think.

That's enough for this week!

As I said, this past weekend was pretty cool for me. First off, on Saturday, I went up to a friend's house near Kansas City and watched the big Couture/Lesnar fight. I must say that it pretty much delivered on all the hype, as it really felt like a big event, and I was kind of shocked that Brock knocked Randy out in the second round, as I thought it was going to go the distance. Brock just seems to be too much for a lot of the guys to handle, though if Mir wins the interim title bout and goes to face Brock in the unification match…that'd be interesting.

Then, on Sunday, the big one…I was at Arrowhead Stadium, in attendance for the Chiefs/Saints game…and it was my very first NFL game that I've experienced live! It was an awesome experience (even though the Chiefs lost…but they kept it close), and I'd love to go back. Unfortunately, I seem to have some kind of stigma attached to me, unbeknownst to me of course…every time I've seen the St. Louis Cardinals play, or the MU Tigers basketball and football teams, they've all LOST. Now my Chiefs did the same thing to me. What the hell? Oh, and by next year, if they haven't gotten anybody else and Croyle or Huard are starting over Thigpen…something's wrong. Don't' know if I'd go so far to say that he's the future franchise quarterback…yet.

Speaking of football, my fantasy team has went from cellar-dwelling at 0-5 and crawled its way up to third at 6-5, just BARELY out of second, who has the same record as me, just a little bit more points. Unless a miracle happens, I won't get first (that guy's 10-1…and the luckiest son of a bitch in the world), but still, second's 200 bucks. Last year, something similar happened to me, and I finished in 3rd, just barely in the money. This year, I hope it'll be a second place finish for me. It'd be good, since earlier this year I was losing every week, even with guys like Peterson, Portis, Andre Johnson, Kurt Warner, Kellen Winslow, and Ronnie Brown on my team (though about four of those guys dismally underperformed earlier this year). It's been frustrating to say the least.

RAMBLINGS

As you can probably tell, my weekend was incredibly jam-packed this past week, so I unfortunately was unable to do the third thing on my list of to-do's this past week…go see Quantum of Solace, of course. Even though it's become the most successful Bond ever at the box-office with mainly positive reviews, a lot of the comments I've been reading from Bond fans (and some reviews as well) have been pretty fairly negative…almost OVER-negative. Now, this got me to thinking: what do they want? I mean, a lot of people cried foul at Die Another Day for being over-the-top with its gadgets and stunts and whatnot (even though, until Quantum of Solace, it reigned supreme at the box-office among Bond films…), and now that the series has gone in pretty much the exact opposite direction, they STILL cry over it. I don't understand, really. From what I understand, this new Bond is closer in feel to the character that Ian Fleming had imagined, lo those many years ago.

I chalk it up to over-zealous fanboys. Sometimes it seems that people latch themselves on to something and love it, but when it's not what they want, and then they try to run it into the ground. I mean, look no further than the Star Wars prequels. Or some of the negative prognosis that some have on the upcoming Star Trek film…and it hasn't even been released yet. Personally, I feel that this new Bond is refreshing, to say the least. Casino Royale took the suave, seductive side of his personality, and turned it into not just his personality, but a weapon that he can use, no different from his pistol. It plays up his cold-natured side, which has always been present, and turns it up a few notches, giving us what is ultimately a much more layered character than has been seen in the series.

Now, I get the whole ripping-off-Bourne thing, but I've never really viewed any Bourne film to be competition to Bond (it's only seen three films to Bond's 22). Do the new Bond films ape Bourne somewhat? Sure, I can see that argument, but then again, Bond has several times been dictated by what's popular in culture at the time. For example, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the most risqué of the Bond films, probably because it was released 1969 – the summer of free love (and hippies); Live and Let Die is a pseudo-blaxploitation film, in an era when blaxploitation was huge; Moonraker was inspired by the success of big budget, big effects sci-fi films like Star Wars and Star Trek. So I don't think the Bourne thing matters too much. As for it being a reboot and screwing things up…I think it's best that the new direction be viewed as a prequel. Sure, continuity and chronologies don't match up that way, but Bond has always existed outside of chronology/continuity, so Judi Dench as M isn't much of bother to me. And if it is a series of prequels, who knows, it might up end up with Bond taking on the ‘old' Bond personality, and introducing Q and Moneypenny along the way.

THE TOP TEN…BEST HENCHMEN OF BOND!

Now, first and foremost, let's clarify what this list entails: it's all about the henchmen for the main villains in the main (i.e. EON only) Bond films. As such, you won't find ANY of the main villains listed here…so no Ernst Stavro Blofeld, no Alec Trevelyan, not even Hugo Drax can be found here – only their toadies. However, it does present kind of a problem that was apparent to me when I first sat down to do this, and that problem is this: Dr. No, Rosa Klebb, Goldfinger, and Emilio Largo, whilst all four of them are pretty much the main villains of their respective films (being Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, and Thunderball), they're also little more than henchmen themselves to Bond's true counterpart/arch-nemesis (at the time, at least), Blofeld. That being said, they're still considered to be the main villains for their individual movies, so they all fail to qualify for my list. Only the true cronies here, I'm afraid.

HONORABLE MENTION

Nick Nack: Nick Nack is Scaramanga's main henchman in the film The Man With the Golden Gun…and he's a midget. That alone is enough to make him rather unique among all other henchmen in the ranks of evil. As for what he does? Well, obviously due his small stature, he's not much of a physical presence for Bond to deal with, though he does serve a purpose – namely, as being the guy who can get in to the crime scene and pull out evidence of the killing without ever being seen. That and he's so adorable! Aww!

The Three Blind Mice: These guys are assassins for Dr. No in the film of the same name. They're basically three blind guys…though whether or not they're actually blind remains up in the air. It's because of these guys and they're killings of other MI6 agents in Jamaica that brings Bond to the island, and, ultimately, defeats their master. I've always thought they were fairly interesting, so I have no problems listing them here.

Bambi and Thumper: Two hot chicks in bikinis who go all jiu-jitsu on Bond, and even effectively whip his ass for a few seconds (before, you know, he almost drowns them in the pool)? How can they NOT be listed here? Even though they were only on-screen for, like, sixty seconds. Sixty SEXY seconds.

Whisper: Whisper is the least of Mr. Big's henchmen in Live and Let Die, but I've always liked him, if only for one reason. Naturally, all he can do is whisper, and at the end of the film, when Bond is about to jump on Mr. Big, Whisper is the only guy who sees him. He whispers, "Look out!", but since he can only whisper, Big doesn't hear it. Classic.

Tee Hee: Another from Live and Let Die, Tee Hee serves as Mr. Big's chief crony. He's famous for having a super-strong metal arm, as his real arm was bitten off by a crocodile. And the least little thing amuses him, which causes him to chuckle a lot, which is where he gets his name from. He's a good one, but not good enough to crack the Top Ten, I think.

THE TOP TEN

10. Pussy Galore



Pussy Galore (despite having one of the greatest names EVER for a female character in a major motion picture) presides as the personal pilot for Auric Goldfinger, the main villain in, er, Goldfinger, and she's also the leader of an all-female group of other flygirls who wait at the beck and call of the gold-obsessed lunatic…as well as being a hinted-at lesbian (hence the name, I'd presume). Sure, Pussy is probably best known as being a Bond girl, and not necessarily a Bond villain henchman by film's end…but then again, that can apply to several Bond girls, to be completely honest with you. Ultimately, Pussy is one of the good-guys and seemingly a good person, a line of thinking that is more-than-likely attributable to the fact that we, as the audience, never really see her do anything malicious on screen…and one that becomes particularly obvious after her and her Flying Circus aid Bond in his quest to defeat Auric Goldfinger; however, unlike somebody similar like, say, Solitaire from Live and Let Die whose job it is to pump information to Kananga through her ability to read tarot cards, Pussy's specific mission via Goldfinger's orders (when we meet here near the end of the film) isn't quite so innocuous as Solitaire's…in fact, you could even go so far as to say that it's pretty evil in and of itself.

Originally, her part that she was to play in Goldfinger's greedy scheme was to bombard Fort Knox with a lethal nerve gas in order to dispatch the soldiers lying therein (though, due to Goldfinger lying to her and assuring her that the gas wouldn't be fatal, I tend to think that she really intended to do no mortal harm to anybody), paving the way for Goldfinger's foot soldiers to irradiate the billions of dollars worth of gold that was being held within the Fort with a small, nuclear weapon, and thus increasing the value of his own gold. While she does indeed ultimately turns to the side of good, she only does so after being seduced by the irresistible charms of James Bond himself; up until the point that 007 sways her towards the light with the undeniable power of his pelvis, she seems to be pretty well entrenched on the side of Goldfinger, going so far as to at one point taking Bond out whilst he prowls around listening in on Goldfinger's plans (to which Bond learns the codename Operation Grand Slam), and turning him back over to Goldfinger. Of course, during the climax of the film and after Goldfinger's plot had been foiled by Bond and Pussy (who switched out the nerve gas with something harmless and squealing to the CIA about Goldfinger's plan), Bond saves Pussy from the certain death of a crashing plane, then makes love to her. While Pussy Galore started off being (somewhat) evil, she does indeed lose some points for turning to the side of good at the end of the film, as well as giving into the guiles of James Bond…but still, she is indeed a henchman, and a memorable one at that. And she started off so well, too.

9. Miranda Frost



I've stated this a couple of times before and I may very well indeed be in the minority of Bond fans when I say this, but I quite enjoyed Die Another Day; I thought that it was just a fun little romp of a Bond adventure, and nowhere near as bad as some people try to make it out to be. That being said, as I'm sure you've surmised by now, the character of Miranda Frost was indeed featured in the 2002 Bond film Die Another Day, as the main crony for Gustav Graves. As far as Graves' scheme is concerned, he's a former North Korean radical militant whose name was originally Colonel Moon, who was consumed with the desire to conquer South Korea; after running a smuggling operation, he draws the attention of MI6, who then sends James Bond to shut him down, which he does, and Moon was thought to have died. However, he survived and fled to Cuba, where he underwent an experimental DNA change and changed his identity, look, EVERYTHING, and became Gustav Graves…though his plan remained the same – take over South Korea, essentially. Miranda exists in the capacity of a former Olympic Gold medal-winning fencer and an MI6 agent herself, who's been tasked with the mission of getting in close to Graves (who again has drawn the attention of MI6 due to his diamond operation, though they don't realize that he and Moon are one and the same), and she serves at his right hand as his publicist and fencing partner/trainer. When she learns that Bond as been applied to the Graves case as well, Frost is clearly perturbed at his presence and she clearly doesn't like the man (though she turns the tables on James and sleeps with him to get information…one of Bond's own distinctive ploys); naturally, however, her dislike for him goes deeper than just job grievances, for during her tenure with Graves, she's grown close to the maniac, and will do anything to protect him, including giving away her true motives to MI6 and killing Bond (or at least attempting to). It's never really implicitly stated whether or not she agrees with Graves and his hell-bentness on taking over South Korea (but then again, do any henchmen really care as long as their getting whatever it is that makes them happy, whether it be money, or destruction, or just plain obsession?); I tend to think that she's pretty much just fallen in love with Graves and will follow him no matter what, and that wouldn't be too far from the truth, I believe.

As stated before, Miranda's main threat to Bond and his cohorts (in this case, Jinx) as far as her own prowess is concerned would be found in her fencing ability, and of course that comes into play towards the end of the film when she's pressed into combat. However, sadly, it's not that 007 that dispatches her…it's Jinx, the American spy, as though Frost eventually gains the upper hand on Jinx and prepares to run her through with her sword, Jinx stabs her with a dagger that's been cleaved into a copy of The Art of War (forced irony?). That's pretty unfortunate, as a duel between Bond and Frost had been building up throughout the movie and would have led to a more suitable end for the character…but, oh well. I still like her.

8. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd



Diamonds Are Forever was one of the very last of the Bond films that I was able to get hold of and actually watch, and when I did just that and saw these two men for the very first time, my initial thoughts were simply this: what is the deal with THOSE guys (actually, it was more like what the f**k is with those guys, but I like the cleaned up version better…)? Now, I understand that it may be considered cheating by a few people to include two men in one spot, but I know that those of you who've seen Diamonds Are Forever understand why. To those that haven't seen the movie, all I can say is this: you can't have one without the other when it comes to Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. They're pretty much one and the same; for example, whenever one speaks, he'll finish about half of his sentence, at which point the other will finish it for him, and such. Of course, when they do speak, they usually make little morbid remarks or jokes/puns about their sadistic actions…of which they may just be two of the most sadistic and psychopathic villains that have ever appeared in a Bond film. As hitmen, whenever they go after a target it's never as simple or easy as just lying in wait for their victim(s), and shooting them when they get close; no, when Wint and Kidd do their killing, it's always a long and drawn-out, and sometimes overly-complex, process. In one instance, they place Plenty O'Toole in a swimming pool, her feet tethered to a cement block, submerging her to where her nostrils are just barely skimming the water's surface in said pool, rather than submerging her completely. Why? So that she drowns ever so slowly, of course. While it's apparent that the duo is indeed assassins (who so do love their work), it's never really clearly stated whether or not they're working for Blofeld and SPECTRE outright. In that case, the audience is left to assume one of two things: either A.) they are indeed under the employ of Blofeld as killers-for-hire (which would be the most common, and probably correct, assumption); or, B.) they're just two psychos who're just killing for their own amusement, who are merely in the know of Blofeld's plan and see it as an opportunity to do what it is that they do best (which is no doubt NOT what was intended with the two men, though it's entirely conceivable that they would do something like that). As I implied, though, the correct assumption would be that they're working for Blofeld…though I do think that they're also killing for their own amusement, at least as far as their methods are concerned.

Also, I'd be amiss if I failed to point out one other little aspect of the characters that, while again never directly stated, is more than implied during the course of the film – Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are…well, PRESUMABLY, homosexual lovers. At one point, the two are seen holding hands (though I guess that that could still be seen as being nothing more than friendship…I guess); at another point, after Mr. Kidd remarks on the beauty of a female, Mr. Wint shoots him an angry, jealous laden glare…after which Mr. Kidd quips, "she's pretty…for a girl." Gay lovers AND psychotic, equal opportunity killers? Sounds like every homophobe's worst nightmare to me. Naturally, the two meet their demise at the hands of 007, as he throws them over the side of yacht into the ocean (Mr. Kidd first, then Mr. Wint as he stands in despair over seeing the apparent death of Mr. Kidd); though while the two may have only lasted one movie in which they weren't really all that much of a focal point, the two have endured long after, due in large part to their own particular brand of flair and style.


7. May Day



In my opinion, unlike a majority of other villains/henchmen in the rather sizable pantheon of Bond's rogues, I've always felt that the character of May Day wouldn't have been nearly as interesting and intriguing as she is if it hadn't been for the woman that was cast to play her – Grace Jones. For those who don't know, Grace Jones was/is a model/singer/actress, who reached the zenith of her popularity during the 1980's, due mainly to her personal image and appearance. Due in large part to her own very unique and exotic appearance, she carved a nice little niche for herself in films by taking on roles that were…well, unique and exotic characters. She landed her first major starring role in 1984's Conan the Destroyer, as the imposing figure of the Amazon warrior Zula (a Pict, maybe? Don't know, it was never stated in the film, I don't think…); her relative success in that film landed her a role in the (then) upcoming James Bond film – 1985's A View to a Kill, as May Day, of course. Within the film, May Day acts as the personal bodyguard and lover of that particular movie's main villain, Max Zorin, a microchip industrialist; Zorin's grand scheme (since all Bond villains need to have a scheme) is basically to create a series of massive earthquakes in the Silicon Valley, thus destroying the burgeoning technology community there and gaining a monopoly on the industry. As Zorin's lover, I really have to question May Day's faithfulness to her madman beau, as at one point in the film she sleeps with 007, without knowing he's a British agent, and pretty much just for the reason that she's attracted to him. However, due to the fact that throughout the first two-thirds of the movie May Day unwaveringly carries out every little whim of Max Zorin's, one is only left to believe that she does indeed carry some pretty stout feelings for the man, despite her own infidelity…that, or the man's cutting her a nice paycheck (probably both, in any way).

As for her part as being Zorin's personal bodyguard, she's much more faithful and adept at playing that part, as May Day leads her own little crew of female guards, which fulfill their roles as Zorin's Secret Service so to speak. Not only is May Day (and her group) a highly skilled combatant and clearly well-trained in both hand-to-hand techniques as well as adeptly handling firearms and explosives; however, that's not the only dangerous aspects of May Day and her crew, with the other being their incredible and unnatural physical strength. One fairly large part of Zorin's several operations is his experimentation with anabolic steroids, from using them on his own personal racehorses and causing them to run faster, to trying them out on not only himself, but on May Day and her all-female group, too. While May Day does indeed have great strength, she never really, REALLY utilizes it too much, though at one point she does lift a man effortlessly above her head, but still, it's difficult to gauge whether or not she's one of the strongest of Bond's adversaries ever. However, May Day doesn't remain an adversary of Bond's for too long, as by the end of the film, she switches sides…though not because she's been seduced to the side of good by 007. No, she switches allegiances for the simple fact that Zorin, her employer and lover, betrays her by flooding a mine in order to cause the earthquakes while she's still in there battling Bond in order to ensure the successful completion of Zorin's plan. Once she sees the dead bodies of her crew, she grows furious at Zorin, and guides the mine cart which holds the main bomb to utterly destroy the mine (and cause the earthquake) out into the open, glaring up at Zorin as he peers down in futility at her. Of course, the bomb explodes, killing May Day, and thus ensuring that she gets a truly heroic death…one of the only henchmen ever in Bond films to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. That, along with her appearance by way of Grace Jones, easily earns May Day a certain uniqueness among the annals of henchmen…as well as a spot on my list.

6. Baron Samedi



Perhaps out of ALL of Bond's many villains and their even more numerous henchmen and toadies, the good Baron here rests clearly as being one-of-a-kind – there's no other person in the history of the franchise quite like him. The character of Baron Samedi in the realms of James Bond's universe is taken from the Voodoo religion; in Voodoo, the name of Baron Samedi is given to a figure that's not unlike an angel, acting as an intermediary between the Creator and mankind. He's sort of like an angel of the dead, if you will, as he sees the passage of the spirits of dead men as they go on their way towards the ever-after (he's also a sexual entity, but this IS James Bond we're talking about). Naturally, if Baron Samedi is a spiritual/mystical being, then it could be assumed that the angel has a fair bit of power within him. In the film Live and Let Die, Samedi acts as one the henchmen for that film's main villain, Mr. Big; unlike the other henchmen that are present in that movie (of which there are several), Samedi doesn't seem to be controlled by Mr. Big, nor is he scared of the villain. There is a scene in fact, where Samedi seems to be somewhat terrorizing Big's prophetic virgin-seer, Solitaire (and by proxy, Big himself), and even though Solitaire is clearly uncomfortable and Mr. Big is irritated, the boss refuses to put an end to it…perhaps out of fear of Samedi. That presumed fear plays directly into what makes Samedi so unique out of all other henchmen (even main villains) that Bond has faced over the years, and that uniqueness is simply this: is he human, or is he truly the Voodoo entity in human form? After all, whether he's a man or not, Samedi has taken on the physical appearance of the spirit Samedi: top hat, tux, face painted up in the visage of a skull…and he seems to be in possession of great, mystical power. Whenever Samedi dispatches his victims, he does so using traditional (if you can call it that) Voodoo occult practices. In fact, he seems to possess even the prophetic power that Solitaire does, which would make one wonder why Mr. Big wouldn't have just had Samedi do it…which in turn could be taken that Big maybe owes something to Samedi (like, perhaps, his soul?).

Then again, I don't really know, as all we can do is assume when it comes to Samedi; he's a fairly ambiguous character, and whether or not he's human is never really fully explained. When Bond first meets Samedi, he's dancing as part of a tourist attraction, and the announcer bills him as ‘the man that cannot die'; later, when Bond goes to confront the Baron, he sees him rising up out of a grave, at which point Bond shoots him in the head. However, this is proven to be an animatronic dummy, though when the real Samedi charges on Bond, 007 shoves the man into a coffin filled with poisonous snakes, at which point he seems to be dead. ‘Seems to be' being the operative words in that sentence, as at film's end, we see him on board a train, laughing maniacally, so obviously he didn't die. Maybe he escaped the snakes somehow through use of a trapdoor in the coffin…or maybe he truly is an immortal, spiritual entity. Who knows? Samedi only appeared in this one movie, and that's always kind of upset me; he's always had the kind of allure to him that surely deserved a revisiting to the character…and in my opinion, he could even work as the main villain in such a film if it ever happened, not just as a lowly henchman.

5. Irma Bunt



Irma Bunt may not be one of the more recognizable names on this list, but rest assured that she is perhaps one of – if not THE – most pivotal characters within the annals of the personal history of the character of James Bond. Like most of the many villains and their henchmen that 007 has battled throughout his twenty-two movie career (counting only the EON stuff), Irma has made an appearance in only one film, that being On Her Majesty's Secret Service, though what she lacks in her length of tenure she more than makes up for through her actions. Irma Bunt's official duty is that of acting as Blofeld's personal secretary and assistant, and who also acts as the ‘headmistress' of the girls at Blofeld's mountain-top laboratory, looking over the girls and their ‘allergies'…when they are in fact being brainwashed into Angels of Death, and the intended carriers of a type of bacteria-warfare plan of Blofeld's. Bunt stands out in sharp contrast to the many young, beautiful (and very bouncy…) girls at the research laboratory; Irma is older and not really all that good-looking (Bond subtly compares her to the baggy and swollen part of a ship's sail, if that tells you anything), looking somewhat manly in her appearance. In fact, not only in her looks, but also in her strict disciplinarian attitude, she almost seems like a carbon copy of Rosa Klebb from From Russia with Love.

However, there is one stark reminder of who Bunt is, and that is this: she gets to Bond unlike any other villain or their henchmen have done before or since, and truly destroys something that he loves…and she NEVER got her just rewards for her villainous actions. As most people who've seen On Her Majesty's Secret Service can attest, the film stands as a substantial step forward for the character of Bond, as by film's end James Bond, the quintessential male whore to end all whores…finds his true love and gets married to a young girl he saved earlier in the movie named Tracy (a mobster's daughter, of course), swearing off any further ventures into espionage and subterfuge. After having foiled Blofeld's plans and brought down his entire operation, Bond and Tracy hold their wedding and leave off in Bond's car for their honeymoon; along the way, they come to a stop…at which point, Blofeld pulls up beside the happy newlyweds, driving another vehicle. Irma Bunt hangs out the back window holding an automatic rifle, peppering Bond's car with bullets before taking off like a bat at of Hell. Bond miraculously escapes the ambush with nary a scratch; Tracy, however, isn't quite so lucky, and the final shot of the movie as Bond holds the dead body of his one true love, obviously in shock and grief-stricken, serves as unquestionably the most poignant and emotional ending ever in Bond film…indeed, there have even been a few instances in later films (Tomorrow Never Dies comes to mind) where the subject of Bond's marriage is brought up and he dismisses it immediately, clearly pained at the mere memory of it. As I said though, what would have no doubt spurred Bond into a swath of vengeance is never touched on, and Irma Bunt gets away with her crime without ever reaping the consequences of her actions. Since she never reappeared in any of the subsequent Bond films that have been produced since OHMSS, we can only assume that she remains at large in the world of Bond. On a related subject, if EON ever felt the need to start remaking any of the 007 movies, I'd be intrigued to see them remake this one and then produce a direct follow up to it, showcasing Bond's inevitably and expected quest for vengeance, as he relentlessly hunts down Bunt to make her pay for what she's done to him. Though we may never see that or what ultimately happens to Bunt, she'll always remain to be the ONE villain who got the last laugh on 007.

4. Red Grant



Though some people may not realize it (or, at least, realize the extent of it…), Red Grant stands as being one of the most influential and oft-imitated of Bond's adversaries. Again, like nearly ALL of Bond's villains and their respective henchmen, Grant appears in only one Bond film, and that single one being in the Bond film that many people hold as being the greatest of them all, meaning From Russia With Love. In said film, Grant serves as an assassin for Blofeld, Klebb, and the entire SPECTRE organization…whose sole purpose and (seemingly) reason for living is to kill James Bond, in order to exact revenge on SPECTRE's behalf for 007's own slaying of one of their chief operatives in Dr. No (the character, not the movie…though it happened in the movie…meaning Dr. No…Dr. No in Dr. No), and, later, to retrieve the Lektor machine from Bond, once Bond has acquired the machine. As From Russia with Love opens, we see Bond being stalked by Grant, who ultimately kills Bond by strangling him with Grant's main weapon of choice – a length of wire hidden in his wristwatch; after ‘Bond' has been dispatched by Grant, the proverbial curtain is lifted and we see that Bond was not the real Bond, but a man impersonating him, part of a large-scale training session for Grant, readying him for his inevitable confrontation with the super-spy.

Throughout the rest of the movie (as Bond goes about the world and Russia on his usual globe-trotting mission), Grant is shown as various times AIDING Bond, doing his best to preserve 007's life and keeping other would-be assassins from getting anywhere near Grant's target (particularly during the big gypsy brawl scene), leading up to the ultimate showdown between the man with the license to kill and the man who has been molded into being his perfect match and equal. Their final battle is perhaps one of the most memorable and intense fights that Bond has ever had in a film; after Grant has stolen aboard a train that bears Bond, his woman, and the Lektor machine by pretending to be another agent and contact for Bond, Grant finally confronts Bond for real in Bond's personal cabin aboard the train. Overconfident in his mental skills over Bond's, Grant is lured into a trap in his arrogance via Bond's trick briefcase (and Grant's own greed), at which point the most physically intense hand-to-hand battle breaks out, before Bond is finally able to gain the upper-hand on Grant and kills him. The lead-up to the confrontation between Bond and Grant is paid off quite well in the climactic battle of the two men, and Grant, even though he came out on the losing end of things, truly came across as being Bond's equal…if not his better (at least in some ways, though definitely not in craftiness).

Now, how does all that lead into Red Grant being influential? Well, it's not so much his story that lends itself to his particular brand of influence…it's Grant himself. Since Grant's appearance in From Russia with Love, there has not only been other characters who've been billed as being equal to Bond in terms of skill like Grant was, but there have been several Bond films that have adopted a character similar to Grant, whether it be Stamper from Tomorrow Never Dies, Necros from The Living Daylights, or Zorin's main goon (played by Dolph Lundgren and not named May Day) from A View to a Kill…basically, a big, physical foreign guy, usually blonde. Either way, whether due to his own escapades against 007 or the many other goons that came later that he inspired, Red Grant is easily a Top Five henchmen on anybody's list…or at least he should be.

3. Xenia Onatopp



For most of my life, I've known who James Bond was, though for a good portion of that I could hardly remember any film in particular. Instead, I mostly remembered specific scenes rather than specific movies (such as the laser scene in Goldfinger and the ski chase that ends with Bond rushing off the side of the mountain-top and opening his parachute emblazoned with the Union Jack from The Spy Who Loved Me)…though, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not really sure if (up until that point in the early years of my life, that is) I had seen those particular movies, or if I had merely caught them on various television shows that discussed the films. Either way, the very first James Bond film that I can actually remember watching in its entirety was 1995's Goldeneye, a movie and a moment that was particularly eye-opening for me when it came to James Bond; forever onward, I would be a fan of the character and the series, actively hunting all of the movies that I had missed and watching them in no particular order. So it should go without saying that Goldeneye remains to be one of my own all-time personal favorites among the Bond films, as everything in it is awesome, whether it be Pierce Brosnan as 007, or Sean Bean as Alec Trevelyan (a former 00 operative who's turned bad guy, giving Bond truly his most equal opponent)…or Xenia, the main henchman for the former 006. Naturally, this film was my first introduction to the beautiful Famke Janssen, the woman who played the character of Xenia (and played her to a tee), and never before (or since, I might add) has there been so gorgeous of an evil douche-bag for Bond to get rid of.

In the film, Xenia is a former KGB agent and Soviet Air Force pilot, which should already make her sound as dangerous and deadly as she already is; however, there's one more weapon that she has that lends her an even more unnerving aspect to her character: thighs of steel, her specialty. Ok, well, to be honest here, at no point in the film is it ever even implied that Xenia has thighs actually made out of steel, but even so…they're powerful enough to crush a man between them, so whether they're made out of steel or not, that's pretty damn strong. Of course, since she's also such an attractive woman, it would stand to reason that she prefers to play (i.e. tease) her victims before she kills them, and then that there is when her particularly sadistic (and really creepy) part of her personality comes into play. Nearly every time that we visibly see her on-screen latch her long, sexy legs around a man's waist and puts the pressure on, it seems to be sexually gratifying for her; in particular, in the scene where she's ‘making love' to the Naval Admiral onboard his yacht, it appears that at the very moment that she's squeezed him to death…she climaxes. And so, with such an apparently disturbed and psychotic personality, of course she'd make a good lieutenant in the Janus criminal syndicate, and Trevelyan (the leader of said Janus criminal syndicate) puts her to good use, and not just for her womanly wiles, as Xenia (former pilot) is crucial in the theft of the experimental Tiger helicopter, and her former status as a KGB agent also proves to be indispensable in his struggles with Bond and various others who'd see him brought to justice. Of course, at the end of the film, Xenia meets her demise at the hands of Bond as she rappels down from a helicopter; Bond attaches the rope that she rappelled down on to her own safety harness, then steals her rifle and shoots the pilot of the chopper while it's still in the air. The helicopter then spirals out of control, and Xenia, unable to get loose from harness, is drug to a fork in a tree where she is crushed to death. Death by crushing would seem to be a fitting end for the ultimate femme fatale in the Bond universe, though it always saddens me to see her go. But that's the nature of the henchman in the Bond films, isn't it? There all just quickies.

2. Oddjob



By now, it should be fairly evident that I'm a 007 fanboy, and hopelessly loyal to the series and character of James Bond. As such, it should go without saying that 1964's Goldfinger ranks as one of my favorites, along with the film's titular villain's main henchman – Oddjob, Goldfinger's Korean-born manservant and bodyguard. Looking back now on Oddjob (not only after the movie he appeared in itself, but the many appearances and/or lampoonings of the character across all media), I've often wondered to myself as to the reasons of Oddjob's solid and ever-present popularity over the years. By way of personality, well…Oddjob never really exhibits much of that in the film. Oh sure, he seems to be sadistic enough, obviously; yet, for the most part, he merely stands at his master's side with his arms crossed across his stomach, as stoic as one can possibly be. Perhaps it was his gimmick, that being his razor-brimmed bowler hat…though he was hardly the first of the gimmicked villains of Bond (Rosa Klebb had a similar gimmick, though with a razor-tipped shoe). Or maybe his popularity was due more the fact that Oddjob was a physically dominating presence when facing Bond in unarmed combat, and in possession of seemingly inhuman strength…though, again, that was hardly unique even in that early stage of the Bond movie franchise, as Dr. No was also extraordinarily strong (though, to be fair, his strength was in direct application to his metal hands but still…he was strong).

In the end, however, I came to the conclusion that the reason's for Oddjob's longevity in the eyes of the fans is because Oddjob truly IS all three of those things that I listed above…and may even be the first perfect embodiment of them. As far as personality goes, while it may very well be evident that Oddjob has not a single line in the film (he's mute, so he naturally wouldn't) and rarely changes his facial expression, he clearly stands out from all the other super-egos and over-bearing personalities that surround him; in this case, being the strong, silent type easily causes Oddjob to be more memorable than about ninety-percent of all other generic henchmen who've come along over the years who just flap their gums constantly…and also easily gives him just that much more personality. As for his hat? Yes, it's true that he may not have been the first villain/henchman to have a gimmick, and his may even be the most absurd (at least, up to that point in the films); however, there's no questioning the fact that Oddjob's deadly hat is by FAR the most recognizable of nearly all other gimmicks that the series has seen. And yes, the thought of a man being a sufficient killer by tossing his hat at people (even if it was unassumingly razor-lined) is indeed quite a bit absurd and silly…but, then again, have you seen the man throw that thing? From the very first time we see him throw the hat in that memorable scene where it cuts off the head of the marble statue, the man and his hat are quite obviously made out to be perhaps Bond's most deadly adversary yet…though it doesn't all rest in his trick-hat alone. Oddjob almost certainly is the very first to join Bond's rogue's gallery as having a most strikingly unusual physique – and no, I'm not just talking about his strength. Oddjob is short and squat, but with an immensely broad body, giving him an almost tank-like quality to his appearance…a quality that no doubt plays into the man's incredible strength, as, apart from my Number One henchman, Oddjob plays second banana to NO ONE else in the Bond pantheon of villainy when it comes to power (excluding all rogues with mechanical hand/arm attachments, of course). It seems that Oddjob would be more than match for 007 during their final confrontation, and indeed that is true, except in one particular category – craftiness. Bond comes at him with everything (including Oddjob's own hat), to which the manservant just shrugs him off like a fly, yet after ducking Bond's attempt to kill him with his hat (that was imbedded in some steel bars), Bond sneaks in with a cut electrical cable against the steel, effectively electrocuting the strongman to his death. Though his accomplishments may not have extended themselves at all past the single movie that he appeared in, Oddjob with his absurd weapon and unique appearance have without a doubt made him one of the most unassuming of Bond's most memorable villains…as unassuming as his bowler hat.

1. Jaws



Firstly, I should note that Jaws here is one of my very own personal favorite of not only the many henchmen that Bond has tangled with over the years, but also my favorite among ALL of Bond's antagonists ever – whether they be the main villain of any of the Bond main series or their lowly toadies…and I'm think that I'd be fairly correct when I say that he also ranks as the favorite of many other people who love the Bond series. However, I'd actually be lying if I said that putting Jaws here in the Number One spot happened without any kind of a mental struggle on my part; in fact, I can honestly state that up until the final draft of this body of work, Jaws had consistently floated between not only Numbers One and Two, but also went down as far as THREE…which ranking Jaws that low probably would have come to a fairly decent shock to most traditional Bond fans. Yet, before I get into the why's for the main reasons for my partial reluctance to place Jaws out of the top two spots (inconceivable!), I'll relate to you a bit of the character's story and motivations…which directly ties into my hesitance to place Jaws at Number One first (as far as the character's story is concerned, at least). First off, Jaws quite easily earns a spot (or should, at the very least) at or near the top of just about ANYBODY'S list of henchmen – even on a list of just straight-up Bond villains that would include true heavy-hitters like Blofeld and Goldfinger – and the reason for that is simply this: he's one of the few recurring antagonists in the long and storied (and heavily populated) world of Bond films.

His first appearance came in The Spy Who Loved Me, working as a more than appropriate muscle for that film's main villain, Karl Stromberg. Despite the fact that Jaws is clearly taking his instruction from Stromberg, I really don't think that Jaws stands as being anything more than a hired goon (and probably an expensive one) that really doesn't care what the aspirations for the man who hired him are; I'd even go so far as to say that all Jaws really cares about (at first, at least…) are earning large sums of money, and hurting people…and Jaws' primary method of hurting people is perhaps his most intriguing (and f'n sweet!) aspect. As his namesake would imply to even those who aren't familiar with the character in the least, Jaws' main gimmick (if you will) are his particularly unique teeth…as they're made of metal, and THAT in and of itself lends itself incredibly well to his primary and most enjoyable way of killing his targets – biting them to death. Yes, biting them…but it's not like he just nibbles away at some random part of his chosen victims' body parts; no, he goes right in for the jugular and rips it out with said metallic teeth (yowch). So after having that knowledge, it should be fairly apparent to just about anybody the levels of sadism that course throughout Jaws' being.

However, when it comes to Jaws, that's not the only specialty that he brings to the table, and as far as James Bond is concerned, the rest of Jaws' arsenal is perhaps even MORE of a preeminent danger than the man-beast's unique dentures: Jaws' seemingly limitless physical strength and power, and his apparent nigh invulnerability. Oh sure, the guy can tear through the side of a van using only his teeth…but after you've brought down an entire Ancient Egyptian pyramid on top of the guy AND rammed off of a cliff while he's in a car, and all the man does is get up and dust himself off, what can you do? Due to his steel teeth, his strength, and lack of being able to be killed by the master of killing, Jaws' popularity with the fans was through the roof, which in turn led to him making a substantial appearance in the very next Bond film to be released (being Moonraker), an honor which is rarely seen even among the main villains of 007's, let alone a lowly henchman. Once again, Jaws had apparently leased himself and his talents out to another madman, this time Hugo Drax; however, this time, Jaws came off as being…well, a bit more inept, and more of a goof – and THAT'S why Jaws' stock very nearly dropped him out of the top spot on my list. Not only that, but by the film's end, Jaws has not only teamed up WITH his mortal enemy Bond in order to bring down Drax, but he's also found his one true love…which isn't entirely a bad thing, but for who may very well be the most powerful and sadistic man in the entire Bond universe? Eh, it's always just left me kind of flat. But, in the end, I decided to keep Jaws in the Number One spot for those very reasons: Jaws really IS the most powerful man in the Bond universe, perhaps even the most sadistic…and he also remains to be the ONE man who James Bond has never even gotten close to truly bringing down (though not through lack of trying, unlike the case made for Irma Bunt). That, all in all, is more than enough to overlook the atrocities done to his character, and firmly place him as the undisputed king of the mountain within the realms of Bond henchmen…at least, in my opinion.

Well, that does it for this week. As always, leave a comment below so we can all see your thoughts on the subject, too! Thanks for reading, and see you in one week!