Misunderstood Masterpieces: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Posted by Will Helm on 08.07.2003

… or, You Shall Never Refer to Jennifer Love Hewitt the Same Way Again

You know, in Hollywood, certain actresses are known for certain traits. We all know what Jennifer Lopez is known for, but other actresses have claims to fame as well. Lara Flynn Boyle and Calista Flockhart are known for having negative body fat; I’ve always wondered if, when they sit down, it sounds like bowling pins being knocked over. Catherine Zeta-Jones has giant hands. Next time you get a chance, check it out…they’re huge! Susan Sarandon is known for having loads of talent and no problem with doffing her wardrobe. And then there’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ms. Hewitt, or Love to her friends, is fairly talented, bubbly, perky, and (ahem) well endowed. She was also nearly engaged to Carson Daly, but that can be forgiven. Anyway, after years of seeing her laughing uncontrollably through interviews and showing off her prodigious assets, Ms. Hewitt’s Hollywood persona can be summed up in one nickname: Giggly Tits.

Yes, Giggly Tits.

Anyway, in 1997, Giggly Tits was most well known for her role in Fox’s awful dramatic series “Party of Five.” I watched one episode. Just one. Trust me...that was enough. She landed a part in what would be screenwriter Kevin Williamson’s follow-up to the extremely clever hit slasher-flick Scream: I Know What You Did Last Summer, based on the novel by Lois Duncan of the same name. Williamson would later be known for his just-as-awful-as-“Party of Five” series “Dawson’s Creek,” which was only tolerable for the half-season featuring the evil (and wickedly funny) Abby (Monica Keena). Of course, that’s just my opinion…you might think the entire run of the show sucked. Anyway, IKWYDLS represented the pinnacle of hot young Hollywood at the time: signed to join Giggly Tits in the cast were Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and two up-and-coming pretty-boys, Ryan Phillippe and Freddie Prinze, Jr. With stars like that and a writer as hot as Williamson, what could go wrong? We shall see…oh, yes…we shall see…

Our little flick opens with some flying over the ocean very reminiscent of the beginning of The Lost Boys, but instead of The Doors, we have some good ol’ nü-metal. Actually, in 1997, that genre could legitimately be called nü-metal. Now it’s just annoying. It could have been back then as well, but who could tell? The ocean just drowns it out anyway. Ooh…symbolic foreshadowing! Anyway, a man on a cliff in waders is sad. The fool on the hill laughs to himself at just how pathetic a sight that is. In some unnamed North Carolina fishing town, we have a parade! Ooh, another parade! I wonder if the Gungans will give the glowing ball of peace to someone else? Maybe Jesse Helms will get it this time. Or not. We are introduced to beauty contestant Helen Shivers (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and HER marvelous assets. Of course, marveling at them are none other than her boyfriend Barry Cox (Ryan Phillippe) and his buddy Ray Bronson (Freddie Prinze, Jr.). Little do they know that her teeth are probably slathered in Vaseline, she has Preparation H around her eyes, and duct tape under her swimsuit. Ah, the glamorous life of a beauty queen! Meanwhile, the guys ignore sweet Julie James (Giggly Tits) and her chest. As if just by coincidence, Helen wins the pageant and gets named “Croaker Queen” while the strains of “Anchor’s Aweigh” play triumphantly in the background. It’s every girl’s dream, I tell you.

After the pageant, it’s partytime! Something might be going on with Helen, but we can’t necessarily be sure because SHE TALKS TOO FAST! Slow down, girl! The movie’s only 100 minutes or so…I’m sure it can be bumped up to 105 with no problem. Barry makes sure to celebrate the fact that he’s dating a beauty queen by drinking heavily and picking a fight with the film’s designated whipping boy Max Neurick (Johnny Galecki), who was busy hitting on Julie anyway. After the mindless drunken violence, the four friends go to the beach where they swap spit and scary stories. I swear, you’d think they were 12-year-olds or something; “Yeah, and like we totally went to the beach and we told all these like creepy stories and we like made out…hey mom, can I dress like Avril Levigne?” Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo. We learn, and this is a surprise to me, that tales of evisceration are actually a turn on, as the foursome decide to pair off for a little sand-infested lovin’. We also find out that Julie and Ray are remarkably intelligent and that Ray is also poor as well. So, what in the world are a dork and a lower-class kid doing hanging out with a jock and a beauty queen, much less going to their parties? Last I checked, dorks and lower-class kids are totally uncool, even if they’re stacked and/or dreamy.

Unfortunately for the crew, they still have to get home, so Ray commandeers Barry’s BMW, much to Barry’s (inebriated) chagrin. Barry has the last laugh, though, as he decides it’s a good idea to stand up in the sunroof and yell a lot while drinking straight from the bottle. What a breach of alcoholic etiquette! He should’ve at least used a plastic cup or something, because then he wouldn’t have dropped the bottle on Ray’s lap, causing Ray to hit some guy, and then we wouldn’t have to put up with the rest of this movie. Thank you, Barry. At first, the group doesn’t see the body, but official body-detector Julie screams to indicate she’s found the wader-wearing corpse. It’s the latest in corpse fashion, you know. Almost instantaneously, the group starts arguing over what to do…and I almost wanted the dead guy to start saying “Um, maybe you could call an ambulance? I’m not really dead. I’m getting better. I feel happy! I feel happy!” Of course, then Eric Idle would have to come along and bludgeon him to death. Our teenage protagonists get all conspiratorial, as it seems that North Carolina has a death penalty for involuntary vehicular manslaughter. Would someone please contact Amnesty International about that or something? It doesn’t seem surprising. In the midst of the arguing, as if on cue, Max shows up! Yay! There’s nothing like a creepy geek showing up to kill the buzz of automobile-aided homicide.

In yet another plot-driving decision, Barry decides it’s in the group’s best interest to dump the body in the bay. Remind me not to eat any seafood products coming from North Carolina. Before disposing of a large chunk of evidence, there’s yet more arguing with brainy Julie as the voice of reason. The dead guy gets tired of all the childish bickering so he steals Helen’s crown (which she had been wearing since she won the pageant) and sinks to the bottom of the bay. Um…OK. Last I checked, there was this thing called “buoyancy” so, unless they stuffed his waders full of rocks, the dead guy should have come back up to the surface. Unless he was out collecting rocks and his waders were full of them to begin with; then that’s a fortuitous coincidence. Barry, in yet another wise move, dives in after the crown and has a little face-to-face with the dead guy. Barry is really starting to annoy me. I’d have been much happier if the title of this movie was “Let’s All Kill Barry!” Then at least something interesting would be happening, with much less arguing and beating up of Rusty from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

One year later, Julie’s apprehensive about returning home from college and leaving the side of her sassy black roommate. I guess they needed to work a minority into the film somehow. Then again, most horror/suspense films can be subtitled “Watch White People Die! (and minorities die quicker).” Although there are some movies that subvert that tradition…but that’s another review. In contrast to her sassy black roommate, Julie is now all dark and despondent, like a Goth girl in her larval stage. She just has to learn to wear more black and she’ll be all set. Once home, though, we discover why Julie was so reluctant as her mom freaks out at everything Julie says and thinks poor, sweet little Julie is on the smack. However, Julie’s not riding the snake…she’s just a college student. College does that to you sometimes. After some lovely domestic arguing (as opposed to the prior arguing, which was outdoors and, hence, not domestic), Julie gets a letter stating that “I know what you did last summer!” And I know that this movie sucks so far!

So, just what did Julie do last summer? In addition to being an accessory to murder, she also bought a used Dodge Horizon. Ah, the quality of American workmanship! Anyway, it turns out that Julie got stupid over the past year and that she’s a failure…but not to worry, as everyone else is as well! Helen, who had great dreams of moving to New York, becoming a soap opera actress (which is funny if you know Ms. Gellar’s background), and getting impregnated by Barry, now works for her shrewish sister, Elsa (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras-Wilson-Sampras-Wilson-Sampras), in some sort of vague store that seems to sell clothing. Helen got the same letter that Julie received, so it made her take up smoking. Luckily, even though Helen’s a failure and Julie’s despondent, Barry’s still a jerk. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Barry, quick wit that he is, figures out that the most likely letter-writer was Max, so he makes a little visit to rough up the whipping boy. Max whines afterward, now realizing that that is his lot in life. He won’t have to worry for long, though.

After taking care of Max, Barry and the two girls run into Ray, who’s now a fisherman. Ladies, I guess you could call him “crabcake.” Haha…or not. Upon seeing the hunky dockworker, Julie becomes torn between her feelings for Ray and…something. There’s just too many unexplored plots going on in this film! My guess is that she got pregnant from their little fling a year before and she had a miscarriage but not before the news killed her father. Of course, they never mention anything else about it in the movie, so I could be wrong. In another random development, some guy dressed like the Gorton’s Fisherman kills Max…for no particular reason. You really have to feel sorry for Max; he’s barely in the movie, and when he is, he’s either being beat up by Barry or murdered. I guess it’s easy money, though.

I think it’s becoming more evident that Barry has an anger-management problem. Why do I say so? Exhibit D: after he’s already clobbered Max twice and nearly strangled Julie, he throttles a defenseless punching bag. Confident over his mauling of a canvas sack, he takes a shower and walks around in a towel triumphantly. Ah yes, he is the king of sack. The king is usurped, however, when Barry gets mowed down by his own car and threatened by Cap’n Fishsticks. Hospitalization does not calm the fury of the king of sack, as Barry makes it a point to argue again with his “friends.” You know, if I were any of them, I would’ve turned Barry in LONG ago. You’d plea bargain, do some community service, and he’d fry for involuntary vehicular manslaughter. Karmic justice, indeed. Later on, Julie logs onto that newfangled Internet thingy to look up the history of the dead guy, David Egan (Jonathan Quint). I’m surprised they had that capability in North Carolina back in ’97.

I think it’s about time we trade this movie for Deliverance, as Helen and Julie take a little trip to the vast Egan plantation in the backwoods of North Carolina. Alright, “plantation” may be a bit of an exaggeration; “shack” is a more apropos term. Julie and Helen, perhaps expecting the dead guy himself, instead encounter his sister Missy (Anne Heche). You know, in any other movie it would just be three women having a little chat, but with Anne Heche there, there’s the definitely possibility of lesbian action. Although she might’ve been straight at the time of filming…it’s all so confusing. And don’t even get me started on Pamela Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Lee-Anderson-(almost) Rock-Anderson. Pick a name and stick with it, will ya! Anyhow, the conversation between the three ladies seems a bit stilted and awkward, as if there’s an underlying feeling of “I’m kinda sorry I killed your brother” and all. Then again, murder does make one feel guilty. Unless your first name is Orenthal.

Back in town, Helen gets back home just in time for a visit from Mr. Paul. He decides to camp out in her closet instead of, you know, killing her (and making the movie just that much quicker) because he’s rudely interrupted by Elsa, who’s berating Helen for some reason or another. Ah, sisters! Also, it seems that Helen and Elsa, as well as Julie and Ray and Missy and David (and possibly even Barry and Max), come from a single-parent household. This movie may just be a treatise on dysfunctional parenting and the breakdown of the family in today’s society. Without a heterosexual two-parent household, the youth of America shall run over random men in waders at will! Jerry Falwell would be proud. The next morning, Helen wakes up and her hair starts falling out for no discernable reason. OK, let me get this straight…the fisherman dude is in the closet, and the only thing he does is style Helen’s hair? Gee, never would have thought of that, movie.

Meanwhile, Julie hears something strange in her car and she opens the trunk to find Max! He’s dead and he’s got crabs. Eeew. As long as they stay away from Barry’s sack. Julie runs off to get Barry and Helen, but by the time they get back, the body’s gone! Har har. Julie finally goes nuts, spinning around while screaming and showing off her cleavage. I guess she’s showing off her lungs in all senses of the word. Barry, perturbed by Julie’s hysteria and distraught that Max is no longer around to be pummeled, does the next best thing and assaults Ray. Barry, buddy, two words: ROID RAGE. Julie goes off to visit Missy again (I guess she does swing that way…college does that to some people), while Helen and Barry ride in the parade. They see Aquaman enjoying the festivities, so Barry gives chase and batters an old man in a slicker. Can anyone tell me why Barry isn’t behind bars? Out in the sticks, Missy gets all freaky with Julie…maybe their feelings are mutual. Or maybe it’s because she’s sick of all these young people asking her about her dead brother, who she says killed himself but Julie says may have been murdered but certainly wasn’t hit by a car. Umm…OK. Now where is this movie going?

Back to the beauty pageant, of course, where Helen and Barry share a tender (fisticuffs-free) moment. That Barry’s a softy after all. Of course, only a little while after pouring his heart out, his blood pours out as well, as he gets the hook treatment in the balcony of the theatre and lucky Helen gets to watch it all. She screams hysterically about the heinous crime, but no one believes her. I bet she’s on goofballs anyway. She does smoke, you know…and you know what they say about girls who smoke. But you didn’t hear that from me. Later on, a random cop (Dan Albright) takes Helen home, but stops to get killed as well…for no particular reason. Helen escapes the usually inescapable backseat of the police cruiser and runs to the store, where Elsa is skeptical about the source of her sister’s paranoia. Her lack of faith is her downfall, as Elsa is horrifically slashed to death as well…for no particular reason. For a raincoat out for revenge, he certainly performs a lot of random murders. After running, running, and yet more running, Paddington Bear finally catches up with Helen and kills her in a stack of tires. Gee, that took FOREVER! Thank you for wasting my time, movie.

Julie returns from a possible tryst with Missy to the caring arms of Ray, but she then recoils in terror as she thinks that Ray is the person under the slicker, even though she had just thought that it was the father of the dead guy’s fiancée who was killed on the Fourth of July two summers ago. Whew. Got all that? It gets better…so, Julie runs to the not-so-caring arms of random fisherman Ben Willis (Muse Watson), who just happens to be the father of the dead guy’s fiancée who was killed on the Fourth of July two summers ago AND the real killer. OK! Whoa…hold up a minute here! Let me get this straight; the killer is someone who was introduced in the last fifteen minutes of the movie? You know, that wouldn’t be so bad, if Ben Willis was a lingering specter in the shadows, mentioned by never seen, hinted about but never named…but they didn’t even talk about him until five minutes before he shows up on screen! And even then, they don’t really take time to explain just why he wants to kill these kids. Are we to assume that he was the one they ran over? You know, there’s always the possibility that they ran over David Egan, which spoiled Ben Willis’ chance for revenge on the guy who killed his daughter; now that would have been a much better plot twist. Or he could’ve killed David Egan, thrown the corpse in front of the car, and framed the kids for vehicular homicide. But no! We get a guy who terrorizes the characters he should be killing quickly while senselessly murdering characters who aren’t even connected to the original crime…and we don’t even know if he’s the guy who Ray ran over to begin with!

Anyway, everything after that is all nonsense, as Ray comes to the rescue, but Julie distracts him so he gets knocked overboard. Smooth moving, Giggly Tits. Julie finds that Barry and Helen have been put on ice (where did Ben find the time to carry around the corpses anyway…and why take them when there’s a dead cop, a dead whipping-boy, and a dead shrew just lying around?). Ray returns to knock out Ben, but then Ben comes to and threatens Ray, but he loses his hand and apparently drowns instead. Oh well. In the aftermath, Ray and Julie realize they just might not be murderers after all, so Ray becomes romantic and Julie is smart again. She’s not smart enough to get some therapy, however, as she freaks out at the sight of a random suspicious letter in the bathroom. It’s just a party invitation, so Julie goes back into the shower and a raincoat attacks her through the mirror. And that’s it.

I could say this movie is terrible, but why bother? It’s painfully obvious from the World’s Dumbest Plot Twist™ just how I feel about this movie. It’s 100 minutes of my life I’ll never have back…actually 194, because I’ve seen it twice. Now let’s get this straight…that doesn’t mean that I like it. I saw it back in ’97 because I had a bit of a crush on Giggly Tits at the time and I just watched it again for the review. Other than that, I can’t stand this movie…and a lot of others can’t as well. You’d think, with reactions like that and an ending that bad, they wouldn’t be dumb enough to make a sequel…