Misunderstood Masterpieces: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Posted by Will Helm on 08.14.2003

…or, The Further Adventures of You-Know-Who

…But you’d be wrong. Even a movie as awful as IKWYDLS can get a sequel, and it came a year later: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. You’d think that with all the trouble Giggly Tits and Mr. Buffy have during the summer, that maybe they’d spend the season in Australia, that way they’d never see the summer ever again. Or not. They could just be stupid. Actually, that’s usually the case with this kind of movie…and that does become important later.

When we last left our buxom heroine, Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt), she was just about to step into the shower but she was attacked by the apparent apparition of Ben Willis (Muse Watson) through a bathroom mirror. Ah, yet another of those sentences you never thought you’d read. Unfortunately, we’re no longer in the shower, but at the Vatican. I guess the Catholic hierarchy has no problems with Giggly Tits. Gifts from God, indeed. It’s time for Julie to go to confession…it seems she’s still feeling pangs of guilt over killing Ben Willis even though she didn’t kill him. If you remember, he was hoist by his own petard as his hook-hand got caught in the rigging of the boat and was summarily lopped off. We assume he drowned…or perhaps he didn’t, as Ben Willis is the priest hearing the confession! Or not, as it turns out to all be a dream…and I’m terribly confused already. Damned movie. Not even five minutes in and already I’m befuddled.

Julie, who was once again remarkably intelligent at the end of the last film, is back in college and sleeping in class. I guess things are too boring for a big brain such as hers. Will Benson (Matthew Settle), classmate and utter tool, attempts to calm her post-nightmare (or is it a “daymare”?) paranoia, but Julie has none of it. He’s really trying to be the “Jake” here, but he’s only sensitive, not rugged. A true Jake could never, ever be a tool. It just doesn’t happen that way. Conveniently, to witness Will’s ham-handed advances on Julie, Ray (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) shows up to question Will’s lack of ruggedness. Even a pretty-boy fisherman is more rugged than you, Will; quit it, already! Unfortunately for Julie, her and Ray sort-of break up…I guess it’s more of a “trial separation” than a break up. You know, one of those “I love you but I want to see some new people and try new things and maybe have a lesbian affair or two because that’s ALL THE RAGE with the college girls you know and don’t forget that Anne Heche was in the last movie and she touched me in ways I never thought I’d be touched” kinds of things. Or not. Maybe it just stems from Julie’s desperate need for serious psychotherapy. Of course, instead of seeking professional help, she just consoles herself by bingeing on reduced fat potato chips and bottled water! Ooh, so naughty! What’s next, raspberry sorbet? Straight from the container?!?

Instead of more “overeating,” Julie just drifts off into peaceful slumber, dressed in what seems to be a vacuum-sealed tank top. That can’t be comfortable at all. The next morning, she wakes to needless suspense and nearly kills her NEW sassy black roommate. It seems in the interim between the two movies, Julie traded up on the costar food chain and replaced some random black actress with R&B diva Brandy Norwood as her roommate Karla. Much like the actress portraying her, we soon learn that Karla is quite the diva herself, conniving to lead Julie away from the separated-but-loving arms of fisherman Ray to the total toolness of Will. To aid Karla in her vocation to play Jane Austen and hook up Julie and Will, the two ladies go to a dance club where Karla’s boyfriend Tyrell (Mekhi Phifer) hits on both of them and Julie makes fun of the fact that she’s white. I’m sorry, darlin’…that’s just how things work out. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for uncool Julie, everyone’s favorite tool shows up! Yay! Julie and Will dance a little, until Julie starts freaking out again. It’s probably just from the Ecstasy someone slipped in her drink.

Back home with Julie and Karla, we learn that Karla puts her sneakers in the drier. Is this a common practice, or did someone just make this up for the movie? I know that there’s a lot of people who like their clothes fresh out of the drier, but does that apply to shoes as well? Seems strange to me. Karla, while enjoying the bliss of freshly laundered Keds, answers the phone only to find a cheesy DJ on the other end of the line! It’s a contest and she can win a vacation! Ooh, goody! Luckily for Karla, she knows that the capital of Brazil is Rio de Janeiro and, therefore, she wins four tickets to the Bahamas. Or, actually, a Bahama…they end up going to just one island. Maybe Karla and Julie can invite two of their girl friends and they can all go and have some Girls Gone Wild action. Or not. Oh, speaking of Girls Gone Wild, why is it, when you watch the infomercial at least, that 80% of the girls find the need to scream at the top of their lungs while flashing their breasts? I mean, the average guy would be like “ooh, you can see her breasts…but she has a look of pain on her face. I’m confused. Does it hurt to lift up your bra and/or top like that? We need answers dammit!” Or that might just be me.

Instead of inviting some girl friends for a little bonding time, Julie invites Ray, who would love to come (get minds out of gutter, thank you!) but his job interferes. Julie tries to convince him to join her, but she instead sounds like she’s completely baked, laughing uncontrollably. Then again, she is Giggly Tits, so it should be expected. It turns out that Ray’s reluctance to join his somewhat-significant other on vacation is merely a ruse, as he plans on surprising her and proposing to her. Too bad Carson Daly got to her first. Unfortunately for hopelessly romantic Ray, Karla once again plots against him. I tell you, remind me never to trust a teenage R&B singer.

Back in North Carolina (although I think we’re always in North Carolina even though they never explained whether or not Julie transferred to a new college or anything), Ray and his working buddy drive down the road and sing Whitesnake together. That isn’t homoerotic at all…although if one of them starts writhing on the hood of the pickup á la Tawney Kitaen, I could change my mind about that. They come across a wrecked car on a road not unlike the one where Ray once ran down the dead guy…or Ben Willis. We’re still not quite sure on that one. There’s a dead fisherman lying in the middle of the road, so Ray gets out of the pickup to investigate. It turns out to be just a mannequin, but Ray’s buddy doesn’t get to enjoy the little prank as CAPTAIN FISHSTICKS RETURNS! Our unfriendly neighborhood fisherman hooks Ray’s pal (for no particular reason) and then tries to run down Ray with the pickup. You can feel the TENSION!

Julie, still thinking Ray is coming and unaware that he’s nearly been killed by the raincoat out for revenge, becomes despondent when Ray no-shows. To add to Julie’s misery, Tyrell and Will show up instead. This is shaping up to be one great vacation! (Note sarcasm.) And, true to form, Will freaks out on the flight; too bad Barbara Billingsley isn’t around to talk him out of it. All he has to help him is Julie, and we all know how she is with freak-outs. Ironically, Will’s fine when he’s on a boat (plot point alert!) but instead Tyrell spends most of the jaunt seeing what he had for lunch, breakfast, and dinner the night before. Yummy.

Finally at our lovely destination, we learn that things are already not what they seem as Darick the Helpful Black Dockhand (Benjamin Brown) has a fake Bahamian accent! Ooh, the horror! Luckily, to make life more enjoyable (in more ways than one), there’s always Titus the Loveable Drug Dealer (Jack Black). He’s so cuddly with his dreadlocks and fine Thai bud. Oh, by the way, am I the only one who would like to see Tenacious D and The White Stripes on tour together? Having Jack Black and Jack White together in the same place might be one of those matter/anti-matter things. Just a thought. At least a cuddly marijuana salesman is better than a sneering, leering hotel manager named Mr. Brooks (Jeffrey Combs). He’s the murderer! He is, he is! Just look at the way he curls his lip in total misanthropic disdain for humanity…run! Hide the women and children and the family pets! Oh, maybe he’s just constipated. Oops. It’s alright, though, as Estes the Kindly Bahamian Bellhop (Bill Cobbs) is there to make everything just fine with a little bit of island wisdom (and hopefully a lot of rum).

Back in North Carolina, Ray is seemingly clinging to life in the hospital…but that’s another ruse as that slippery Ray escapes! It’s a – wait for it – JAILBREAK! OK, it’s really a “hospital break,” but bear with me. Oh, and for the longest time now I’ve been doing the obligatory “Jailbreak/Judas Priest” joke but it turns out that Judas Priest never did “Jailbreak.” It was AC/DC…mea culpa. So, without further adieu: AC/DC would be proud! Ah, all is right with the world. Anyway, down in the Bahamas, the boys meet up with Nancy the Sassy Bartender (Jennifer Esposito), who may or may not be a murderer. Ooh, multiple suspects? Very cagey, movie, cagey indeed. The guys start the party early, but the lovely ladies quickly join them at the bar. After nary a sip of their drinks, they’re all ready for some fun. Lightweights. And what is there to do in the bar? Karaoke. Not again, movie…for the love of all that’s sacred, not karaoke again! Mimi might show up and start mumbling incoherently! And, oddly enough, much like Crossroads, the actress-who-sings (Giggly Tits) goes up to karaoke her heart out while the singer-who-acts (Brandy) sits by the wayside. Too confusing!

After a few moments of Julie pretending not to be able to sing, we learn that the karaoke machine knows what Julie did last summer. Last summer? or the summer before last? or both summers? There are so many questions that need answering! Julie, of course, freaks out. Meanwhile, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Will later frightens Julie with a champagne bottle and some roses. Sorry, Will, you might be compassionate and caring, but you’re still a tool. While Will attempts to calm Julie’s jitters, Karla jumps on the bed and marvels at its size while Tyrell suffers through a horrendous case of sexual frustration. When jumping on the bed is more satisfying to your woman than jumping on you, that should tell you something. Elsewhere, Titus tries to hijack a boat to get to a party on the mainland, but Darick is having none of it. Darick gets murdered by you-know-who for no particular reason for his troubles. Maybe he should’ve let Titus go after all.

Back somewhere in America, Ray calls the hotel, but no one answers. It’s so hard to find good help these days! Oh, the humanity! On the island, Olga the Inconsequential Maid (Ellerine!) gets killed for no particular reason while Karla and Tyrell enjoy a hot tub together. They’re rudely interrupted by Titus, but he’s still so cuddly that they forgive him. Then they’re even more rudely interrupted by Will, and he’s still a tool so he gets no forgiveness. Way to kill the mood there, Will. Julie finally takes that shower she’d been meaning to take since the end of the last movie and then slips on a white cotton bathrobe. A wet bathrobe contest ensues. Not really, though, but Julie’s still a contestant if one did. The feeling of being in a clingy bathrobe makes Julie freak out yet again, although it might also be from the dead minority hanging in her closet. It seems someone was kind enough to leave Darick there to dry. How nice! Of course, just like the first movie, Julie goes to get everyone and by the time they get back the body’s gone. We couldn’t see that coming, could we?

A little later, Estes does some Voodoo while Titus does some hydroponics. The former works out fairly well, while the latter not as much as now Titus gets killed…for no particular reason. Where are the kids going to get their goofballs from now? Damn you fisherman-killer who may or may not be Ben Wills! Damn you! Oh, and Ray goes to a pawnshop and trades the engagement ring for a gun. He’s a fighter, not a lover. Charlton Heston would be proud! Back on the island it seems that, regardless of the whole “dead dockhand in my closet” fiasco, “nobody thinks Julie is crazy.” Julie? Not crazy? Um, you might want to check the evidence there. Tyrell and Will take some time to bond, but the inherent tool nature of Will almost immediately frustrates Tyrell. I hate it when that happens.

When there may or may not be a killer on the loose on an inescapable island in the Caribbean, what’s the first thing to do? Work out. Karla vents her anger by beating up a defenseless punching bag. I guess Titus sold her some of Barry’s steroids. Julie, on the other hand, strips down for some red hot tanning-bed action. While Julie’s enjoying healthy doses of ultraviolet radiation, Karla finds the dead maid and Tyrell and Will find the dead Titus. While they’re all freaking out, Julie gets trapped in the tanning bed! Anything but the horror of sun damaged skin! She should’ve used Coppertone. Although then a dog would be constantly trying to pull down her bikini bottoms. Damned perverted dog. The gang rescues Julie from the clutches of the sinister UV rays only to find Mr. Brooks relaxing nicely with a machete in his skull. Julie (what else?) freaks out, but helpfully explains everything that we saw in the first movie, just in case anyone missed that one. Thanks Julie! Oh, and Ray’s taking a bus to Miami. I just thought you should know.

It’s time to play the red herring game, as everyone thinks that the murderer is actually Estes the Kindly Voodoo Bellhop. They seem to fear what they don’t understand, don’t they? Of course, as stupid as they are, there isn’t much they DO understand, which explains a lot. They track down Estes, but he has the answer to all their questions. Well, actually it’s just one question: Brasilia. Brasilia, as it turns out, is the rightful capital of Brazil, and Karla’s an idiot. Estes even knows just where Ben Willis lives, because he’s a helpful kind of guy. Oh, by the way, Ray steals a boat. Anyway, Estes the Kindly and Helpful Voodoo Bellhop explains that Ben Willis used to live on the island, had a nice wife and two kids, and then supposedly murdered his cheating wife. He’s just a nice kind of guy. A real family man. They find some graves, one of which is earmarked for Julie, so she freaks out and starts yelling and spinning just like in the first movie. This time, however, it’s in the rain and there’s much more cleavage. So much can change in a year, I suppose.

The gang heads back to the hotel to get some knives, but Will runs off and gets bludgeoned by Estes. Oops. What a tool! Meanwhile, Nancy the Sassy Bartender bludgeons Tyrell, so I guess we’re all even. Everyone gets all testy, but Tyrell gets killed for no particular reason. Maybe that’ll finally shut him up. All he did since they got on the island was complain, complain, complain. The ladies try to escape from the frightening fisherman by running up the stairs. Now, honestly, why do they always do that? In every single movie where someone chases another person on foot, the person being chased almost invariably runs up some stairs. I would think that running downwards or out a door would make more sense. You can only go up so far, you know. Where are you going to go once you get to the top? Then you’re dead meat! Movie characters can be so stupid sometimes. To prove my point, Karla falls through a greenhouse ceiling, but, surprisingly, she actually escapes Ensign Hook (I don’t think he’s a full captain yet).

The ladies later find a remote storage room…the storage room OF THE DEAD! Will comes to the rescue; he’s still a tool, though, albeit a maniacally insane tool who happens to be the son of the father of the dead guy’s fiancée. Will takes time to explain the etymological intricacies of his name (Will Benson means Will, Ben’s son…get it? Or does it mean Ben Willis’s son?) while Nancy the Sassy Bartender and Estes the Helpful and Kindly Voodoo Bellhop get killed for no particular reason. Ray comes to the rescue just in time for the final showdown between Julie, Will, and the resurrected and remarkably unscathed Ben. For being run over, losing a hand, and nearly drowning, he looks pretty good. Unfortunately, he’s also terribly clumsy as he accidentally kills Will and then Julie FINALLY kills him, for many particular reasons. And, in one of the most surprising developments, Karla actually survived as well. That’s certainly better than the first movie. I guess Ben was getting lazy in his old age.

An undefined length of time later, Julie and Ray are living together and Ray loves his toothbrush. Julie’s back getting ready for bed in her vacuum-sealed tank tops when it turns out that Ben Willis might still be alive! And under Julie’s bed! Enough already, dammit! What are they going to do next? I Still Know What You’ve Done for the Past Three Summers?

You know, this is one of those rare moments when the sequel is actually better than the original. That’s not saying much, considering how bad the first film was, but at least some things made sense in this movie. We actually (kind of) know who the murderer is in the beginning of the film and the twist at the end is actually hinted at earlier. Yes, there’s much more random killing, but the writer (Trey Callaway) actually made sure to explain that Ben Willis has a history of murder. That’s the kind of logic the first film sorely needed. Of course, it still doesn’t explain just why Ben killed everyone, even people who had about two minutes of screen time altogether. It’s almost as if nearly every character in this film was introduced just so that they could be killed off later on. That really gets to be anticlimactic after a while and it’s a terrible waste of time. Then again, so is this film. Giggly Tits has only so much power, but she can’t work miracles.