The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 11.24.08: Issue #35

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 11.24.2008

It's a Steven Seagal double feature! "Submerged" (2005) and "Flight of Fury" (2007)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #35: "Submerged" (2005) and "Flight of Fury" (2007)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been to a Turkish prison, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. This issue, issue number thirty-five, I have a Steven Seagal double feature on tap, with full on looks at big Steve's 2005 effort "Submerged" and then his 2007 flick "Flight of Fury."

Submerged


"Submerged," directed by the great Anthony Hickox, stars Seagal as Chris Cody, a bad butt Special Forces freelance mercenary guy who, after being locked up in a secret U.S. military prison for preventing a major terrorist attack but ruffling the feathers of a bunch of United Nations yahoos (they claim he broke a bunch of laws in the process of completing his mission but, come on, this is Steven Seagal we're talking about here. Isn't hethe law?), is pressed into service once again to take down a wacko evil scientist (Adrian Lehder, as played by Nick Brimble) who is experimenting with some kind of mind control/ultimate assassin thing in Uruguay. Cody isn't all that interested in the job, unless he gets to bring along his crew (a crew that includes the awesome Vinnie Jones as Henry), is given a hundred grand for each of his team, and is left the hell alone to do the job as he sees fit. Since Lehder has already initiated the murder of the U.S. Ambassador to Uruguay and captured a U.S. Special Forces team sent to bring him down, the government doesn't have much choice but to agree to Cody's demands and give him and his team what they need (Cody is the best, and Cody's team is the best because they hang out with Cody who, as we all know from a few words ago, is the best). The only catch is that slimy scumbag CIA agent Agent Fletcher (William Hope) has to tag along.

So Cody, Henry, and the rest of the crew, along with Agent Fletcher, head to Uruguay to take down Lehder. However, before they get into the heavy hooey, Cody has Fletcher dropped off miles away from the attack site. Cody doesn't want Fletcher tagging along because he knows what dang near everyone in the world knows, when the CIA is involved in an operation it isn't a good thing. Something sinister is afoot. And, hey, that's exactly what happens, something sinister.

Now, if you take a look at the movie poster or the DVD cover, you'd think that this particular flick is just Seagal on a submarine for ninety minutes beating the crap out of people, sort of an underwater "Under Siege." And, heck, the name of the movie is "Submerged," which is what submarines are known to do, submerge into the ocean. But the flick only features Seagal on a submarine for about twenty minutes or so (it may be more like a half hour but I didn't keep track. All I know is he isn't on the sub all that long). Most of the flick is Seagal and Jones and the other members of his band of mercenaries running around "Uruguay" (according to both wikipedia and imdb.com the flick was actually made in Bulgaria) trying to prevent Lehder from killing and mind controlling even more people. And while that fact is a tad disappointing (I really wanted to see Seagal beating the crap out of people underwater, maybe shoving a bad guy into a torpedo tube or something like that), "Submerged" is a fairly decent, low budget action movie. Granted, the flick is way too complicated for its own good and, as a result, there are a few draggy moments, but the story more or less holds itself together and almost makes sense. That in and of itself is a minor miracle because way too many action movies nowdays, both low budget and big budget movies, seem to feel they need to load up their stories with all kinds of plot complications to, I assume, make the flick seem more important. "Submerged" just about follows through on that trend but, again, the flick eventually dials itself down and sticks to a simple premise: Seagal and the good guys have to prevent the bad guy from killing people.

Seagal is in more or less top form here. He's walking around, kicking the crap out of people, shooting people, etc. He actually squares off against a tank here, which is a pretty neat scene. Seagal also goes insane several times with a shotgun, which is always a plus in an action movie (the only man who equals his skills with a shotgun is fellow action movie butt kicker Dolph Lundgren). Seagal also gets to call a guy a "Cocksucker! Motherfucker!," which is always cool. There are moments here, though, where Seagal's voice is dubbed with a guy who doesn't sound anything like him, which is a bit distracting, but you get over it because, hey, it's Steven Seagal. He really doesn't have to say anything to convey that he can and will beat the crap out of you when he eventually gets the urge to, which will most definitely be pretty freaking soon.

The rest of the cast is decent enough. Vinnie Jones does his usual fabulous job as the tough-as-nails British butt kicker of the group. He gets a few good fights and some good lines, like "Listen, my friend, in my book, only queers and penguins go to watch the fucking opera!" and engages in many variations of the word "Fuck!" William Hope does a fine job as the sniveling little CIA douchebag Fletcher. You're not all that surprised when he turns out to be, well, a total backstabbing douchebag. Nick Brimble is also quite good as lunatic madman Adrian Lehder. Christine Adams is pretty cool as Dr. Susan Chappell, although I'm not all that enthused with how her character ends up (is she suddenly an assassin? Is that what Hickox was going for there?).

All in all, "Submerged" is worth a gander as it delivers fairly decent action bits, an okay story that eventually kind of makes sense, and it stars Steven Seagal. That, in and of itself, if worth quite a bit.

Now, before I sign off on this flick, I just want to say that, yes, there is a moment where an obvious toy remote control plane doubles for an actual plane, and there's a question of why it was necessary to make Uruguay some kind of facist military type dictatorship when, as far as I know, it currently isn't, but that stuff shouldn't deter you from enjoying the movie. It didn't deter me. At least it isn't a story taking place somewhere in Eastern Europe. Not that there's anything wrong with Eastern Europe.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Steven Seagal, gratuitous weird beard flashcut hooha opening bullstuff, some hooha about "mind control," gratuitous obvious toy plane acting like it's a real plane, waterfalls, gratuitous Uruguay, gratuitous secret underground lab, a bad guy with a cane, someone giving the middle finger, great bit where U.S. Secret Service agents kill a bunch of people in the U.S. Embassy including a great head shot, knife through the throat, gratuitous Special Forces assault on the underground lab, exploding peasant woman, virtual reality torture, gratuitous hip and edgy heavy metal Steven Seagal entrance, gratuitous meeting Seagal's team via on screen captions, gratuitous Vinnie Jones, homophobia, a hot female arm wrestler, body dropping into the ocean, gratuitous underground tunnel attack with Steven Seagal fighting a tank, gratuitous Steven Seagal going apeshit with a shotgun, man on fire, underground explosion, gratuitous Steven Seagal and Vinnie Jones on a submarine, gratuitous hot chick Steven Seagal knife fight, Steven Seagal using a computer, neck snapping, gratuitous Vinnie Jones beating the shit out of a guy, a quick cut montage of people loading guns, wrist breaking, ball kicking, self inflicted gut stabbing, knife to the back of the head, exploding submarine, a guy who looks like Rob Zombie, a police riot, a guy assembling a sniper rifle, bow tie fixing, gratuitous thumb print identification, gratuitous Steven Seagal going to the opera, an outdoor cafe car attack, a head on collision with a watermelon truck, hanging a guy with a rope, multiple silencer guns, road block breaking, Steven Seagal attacking a helicopter with a Mercedes, Steven Seagal driving into a building, even more Steven Seagal going apeshit with a shotgun, double wrist break with up close head shot, using a dead guy's hand for hand print identification machine, and Steven Seagal hanging out at a beach resort.

Best lines: "Where the hell is our ground contact?," "What's the matter, Cody, you forget how to salute?," "You gotta live to talk about old times," "You feeling vengeful, girl?," "Double crossing sonofabitch!," "Tell me you're Father Christmas," "Tell me, tell me, tell me, why do I feel so strange?," "What are you, fucking lost?," "Cocksucker! Motherfucker!," "What a shame," "Do you think you know how to steer a submarine?," "Alligator, we got three minutes," "Are you ready to dance with the devil?," "I'll tell you one thing, you want to catch some catfish you're going to have to have some bait," "Do you think I'm here to play fucking chess?," "Check fucking mate," "You don't sell big business. You excite them," "Listen, my friend, in my book, only queers and penguins go to watch the fucking opera," "Think of the research I could fund with that money," "Do you think you can call back a little mater?," and "Oh, fuck."

Rating: 7.5/10.0

Flight of Fury


And then there's "Flight of Fury," which once again finds Seagal's character (named John Sands) as a kind of military prisoner who is pressed into service by the U.S. government to take down a bad guy who has stolen a super secret fighter plane that's basically a stealth bomber that can turn invisible. This flick, directed by Michael Keusch (who also directed Seagal's "Attack Force" and "Shadow Man"), is best when Seagal is on the ground, shooting at people, blowing stuff up, and kicking the crap out of people. The flick isn't as good, though, when we see obvious stock footage of fighter planes flying intercut with scenes of Seagal and others sitting in stationary cockpits which are in front of blue screens. I mean, for a low budget movie the flying stuff isn't bad, but it's not as thrilling as it could have been or really should be.

Sands is an ace fighter pilot/secret agent who is about to get his mind wiped by his superiors (sort of an insurance policy against Sands blabbing to the world what he's done in the name of God and country, which you have to assume was a bunch of illegal hooha) when he decides screw that shit and escapes. Meanwhile, Colonel Ratcher (Steve Toussaint), one of the best U.S. Air Force pilots around, steals the super secret X-77 invisible Stealth fighter jet and flies it to Afghanistan to meet up with a band of evil international terrorists led by Stone (Vincenzo Nicoli) and his uber lesbian henchperson Eliana (Katie Jones). After being detained following a brazen convenience store robbery foiling, Sands meets up with his old boss General Barnes (Angus MacInnes) who tells Sands all about Ratcher and the plane theft and what's going to have to happen to get it back. Basically, Sands is going to have to go to Afghanistan with his new mandated sidekick Jannick (Mark Bazeley), hook up with his local contact Jessica (Ciera Payton), and find out where the X-77 is being stored. On top of all that, there's a bunch of sort of pseudo inside super secret intelligence agency baseball crapola between Barnes and Admiral Pendleton (Tim Woodward), who go back and forth over whether or not an X-77 rescue mission should be attempted and what will happen if Sands and Jannick fail. That stuff isn't as interesting as the Sands running around the rugged desert stuff, where Sands gets into fire fights and whatnot. And, as I said, the stuff involving the X-77 actually flying isn't all that interesting because it's oh so obvious that the flick is using copious amounts of stock footage. Ratcher isn't all that interesting, either. Toussaint isn't a bad actor or anything, it's just his character is boring. It probably would have been better of Toussaint's history with Sands had been a bigger part of the story, but then again, as I said with "Submerged," these direct-to-video movies are all about complicated stories, so it's not all that surprising that this flick is incredibly complicated for no real reason.

Seagal, once again, is his usual cool self, acting dark and mysterious and bad ass when he has to (especially all the stuff at the beginning, when it looks like he's wearing a symphony conductor's suit to a meeting with an electric chair and when he speaks to the police after the store robbery) and then beating the crap out of people when he has to. Only Steven Seagal could fire an AK-47 with one hand and make it look plausible (it isn't). Mark Bazeley is good as the sidekick Jannick. He's not as good as Jessica (Ciera Payton), though. She's got a great sort of "I belong in the field even though I'm incredibly hot" vibe about her, and she looks like she could beat up dang near anyone if she ever had to. She also gets to engage in some gross lesbian making out with Katie Jones' Eliana, which is commendable. Vincenzo Nicoli is excellent as the evil terrorist Stone, although I don't know if I necessarily buy the whole "Stone is an Ofxord educated Muslim" thing. I think it would have been better if Stone was just a Russian mob guy with bigger aspirations, like launching a nuclear strike on America or Europe so the rest of the world knows he means business. Kind of like a Bond villain. And Katies Jones, gross pre-sex aside, is pretty decent as Eliana. Although she does go down like a punk. I was hoping for a drawn out Steven Seagal knife fight of some kind between her and Jessica. That would have been fun.

The flick would have been oh so much better if the military intelligence bulldooey had been kept to a minimum and the flying stuff had been used sparingly at the beginning and then maybe one quick scene at the end. As I said, the stock footage stuff just doesn't help the movie at all. Director Keusch does his best to make the flying scenes relatively exciting and interesting, but there's only so much that can be done.

And I don't know about all of you, but, while I think Seagal does a fine, cool job as Sands, I have a hard time believing that he is an ace fighter pilot. Helicopter pilot, okay. Commercial airplane pilot, absolutely. But a fighter jet pilot? Maybe it would have been more plausible if Jannick had been the fighter pilot sent to help Sands along with the flying stuff while Sands did the general butt kicking on the ground, infiltrating the hangar and the terrorist caves and whatnot and snapping necks and wrists. Again, I just have a hard time believing that Seagal would be an ace fighter pilot.

However, even with those issues, "Flight of Fury" is a pretty good way to spend ninety minutes of your life. It could have been better, sure, but, just like "Submerged," it's Steven Seagal kicking butt. That's good enough for me.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening military music, using a mirror to check under a truck for explosives, gratuitous Steven Seagal, sharp object to the head, gratuitous Steven Seagal escaping prison, thrust chop to the back of the head, hitching a ride under a truck, car stealing, gratuitous Edwards Air Force base, gratuitous Stealth fighters, gratuitous F-16, gratuitous stock footage of a Stealth bomber taking off, gratuitous Stealth bomber becoming invisible, gratuitous Bakersfield, California, which looks like Eastern Europe here for some reason, Steven Seagal dozing off at the wheel while driving, gratuitous convenience store robbery, reaching through glass to grab a gun, Steven Seagal shooting a guy several times at point blank range, gratuitous Steven Seagal sliding across the floor and shooting, Steven Seagal knife fight, knife through the throat, gratuitous Steven Seagal's voice changing, gratuitous police interrogation scene where we find out just how bad ass Steven Seagal is, people talking about active and passive stealth, gratuitous sidekick, gratuitous Steven Seagal slow motion walk to the plane, refueling an SR-71 in mid-flight, killing terrorists with a machine gun, a hot chick lesbian terrorist killer, neck breaking, gratuitous Steven Seagal shooting an AK-47 with one hand, knife to the neck, rifle butt to the face, potential razor torture, wrist breaking, ankle breaking, knife to the forehead, gratuitous gross lesbian making out, naked boobs, talking about cutting men's testicles off, nose picking, a major league knife attack, bullet to the head, grenade attack, hot chick fight, gratuitous using a remote control to detonate explosives, ball slicing, metal staff beatdown, dirt bike crapola, double grenade exploding man, exploding hangar, gratuitous stock footage fighter plane dogfight, and a happy ending.

Best lines: "You owe me, cabron," "Ratcher, you're just having too much fun out there," "Engaging active stealth!," "Hand over the fucking money!," "Saunders, get your fat ass in a cruiser!," "Your coffee, sir. I don't like coffee," "I'm self employed right now," "I wouldn't say he's a friend, but I did meet him once," "General, I wasn't expecting this kind of response," "I don't take kindly to having my memory wiped," "Ooh, drinking age, sir," "Okay, guys. Let's suit up," "A man with priorities. I like that," "Where's my SEAL team?," "Okay, I want everything the agency's got on these bastards!," "What do we have here? Looks like a pilot," "I'll kill you. What are you waiting for?," "My name is Stone. What's yours? Screw you," "John, I have some bad news," "I'm looking for an American," "I'll remember that! I bet you will," "That was quick. Fuck you," "Taking out the garbage, huh?," "The funny thing about biological warfare is you don't know what hits you until it's too late," "Americans are entering our airspace!," "Don't move, motherfucker! Don't move!," "Making money is the American way," "Why fly against eachother when we could fly together?," "Sorry. No deal," "I'm not for sale," "I was wondering if this had anything to do with a case of whiskey?," and "Now I'm not in the military anymore I don't have to salute you."

Rating: 7.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you'd like to see reviewed here, send me an e-mail or offer your request down below. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

"Submerged"

Steven Seagal- Chris Cody
Vinnie Jones- Henry
William Hope- Agent Fletcher
Nick Brimble- Adrian Lehder
Christine Adams- Dr. Susan Chappell
Alison King- Damita
Gary Daniels- Col. Sharpe
Directed by Anthony Hickox
Screenplay by Paul de Souza and Anthony Hickox
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment and Nu Image Films
Rated R for strong violence and language
Runtime- 96 minutes
Buy it here




"Flight of Fury"

Steven Seagal- John Sands
Steve Toussaint- Ratcher
Ciera Payton- Jessica
Mark Bazeley- Jannick
Vincenzo Nicoli- Stone
Katie Jones- Eliana
Angus MacInnes- General Barnes
Tim Woodward- Admiral Pendleton
Alki David- Rojar
Directed by Michael Keusch
Screenplay by Steven Seagal and Joe Halpin
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence, strong language, and brief sexuality and nudity
Runtime- 98 minutes
Buy it here