What?!! This Column!?? 11.25.08: Issue #134

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 11.25.2008

Once again, randomness: "Jeopardy," DVR hooey, the end of "My Own Worst Enemy," ABC shows, Wolf Blitzer's sitcom, vulgarity, and more, plus the end of "Monk" and actual "Jericho" news

What?!! This Column!?? Issue #134: Once again, randomness: "Jeopardy," DVR hooey, the end of "My Own Worst Enemy," ABC shows, Wolf Blitzer's sitcom, vulgarity, and more, plus the end of "Monk" and actual "Jericho" news

Well, it's time for me, once again, the "mind" behind this particular internets movie site column, to engage in a bit of randomness. The following thoughts, ideas, comments, and, dare I say it, complaints, appear in no particular order of importance. They just appear. So, without any further introductory hooha, here goes something:

- Did you ever notice how the contestants on "Jeopardy" who pick the "Daily Double" are really proud of themselves, often acting like they've just accomplished something akin to scaling Mt. Everest wearing only their underwear? Come one, people, you're just randomly picking dollar amounts under categories, you're not engaging in some vast, mysterious, and super complicated statistical analysis that only the best minds in the world can figure out. Why not just act surprised that you "found" the "Daily Double," be happy with that, and move on from there?

Wouldn't it be cool, though, if show host Alex Trebek came out wearing jeans and a T-shirt that said "I'm a Canadian. Blow me"? Or a leather jacket that said "Pat Sajak is a douchebag" on the back? I think it would be funny, and it would start a kind of rivalry between Alex and Pat since Pat's show "Wheel of Fortune" usually airs back-to-back with "Jeopardy." I'd love to see Sajak come out with a T-shirt that said "Alex Trebek smokes bananas and I'm not talking about the fruit," stand next to Vanna White and ask her, "Hey, Vanna, what do you think my T-shirt means?" I bet Vanna's response would be classic.





And can we please go back to the "old" version of the "Final Jeopardy" theme? The current version just doesn't sound right.



- Want to know what's got to stop? This shit where the networks have shows bleed into the next hour, messing up the DVR and the VCR and causing people like me to miss the end of shows. Remember when shows used to start at their scheduled time and then ended a few minutes before their scheduled time? Remember when the you could actually watch the "Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode" all the way through and not miss the last ten seconds? Why is this so difficult to do? I mean, yeah, I know the networks are interested in fucking around with the time schedule, making it difficult to get everything you want recorded without having two to three DVR's and VCR's. Of course, I could just stop watching all of these goddamn TV shows, but then why would I want to do that?

- Ha. NBC has decided to cancel "My Own Worst Enemy," that hip and edgy Christian Slater starring super spy show. Good. The show sucked. I watched two episodes (well, more like one-and-a-half) and said to myself, "Drake, this show blows." It was boring as hell. The show's concept probably would have made a pretty nifty movie, or maybe a four night miniseries, but, as week-to-week, ongoing series, no way in hell. I could never figure out why anything that happened was important or why what was happening was supposed to be exciting or interesting. Again, the show was just boring as hell. So, what the heck is going to replace it on Monday nights? Does NBC have a lame ass reality show ready to go to replace it?

- What's the deal with the ABC drama thing where we first hear a hip and edgy emo soft alternative rock song followed by one person walking into a room and engaging in a supremely meaningful and heartfelt conversation with whomever happens to be in the room at the time? It doesn't matter if it's "Grey's Anatomy" or "Private Practice" or "Dirty Sexy Money" or "Brothers and Sisters." It happens on pretty much every freaking show. Who thought this thing up? I've noticed that "House" is starting to do a version of this scene change technique, although "House" dials it down a bit. CBS shows don't do it, except "Cold Case," but then that show only does it at the end of each episode and no one ever talks in the final slow motion musical sequence. What's going to happen when the general public stops listening to this emo stuff? What's going to be the next TV show musical styling? And are we ever going to get back to every show having an actual composer who actually scores the entire show?

- If CNN's Wolf Blitzer ever got his own sitcom, do you think he'd play a wacky local news anchor or a wacky cable news anchor with an equally wacky family? I don't think the show's producers would have Wolf playing a neighborhood butcher or car mechanic or some kind of vacuum cleaner salesman.



I do think, though, that retiring Fox News anchor Brit Hume, if he got a sitcom, he'd excel at being a vacuum cleaner salesman. I don't know why, but I see him driving around in a van in a suit and tie, dragging a big ass wet/dry vac type cleaner into people's homes and telling them "You have never seen a vacuum cleaner suck up as much as this one here, the T-4710."






- Do you ever think that HBO or Showtime will create a TV show where no one swears, there's no nudity, and there's no bloody, gory violence? What would happen if HBO produced a show like "Little House on the Prairie" or a sitcom like "The Cosby Show"? Do you think people in general would watch? I know that the professional critics would watch because, hey, that's their job. They get paid to watch TV. But would John Q. Public order up HBO or Showtime to tune in for a "wholesome" show? You know, I'd like to think that the "premimum cable" networks are really on the lookout for "quality" shows, regardless of content, but I'm willing to bet good money that if HBO had to make a choice between a half-hour "family" sitcom akin to "The Real McCoys" that was so non-dirty joke funny that test audiences pissed themselves laughing and a half-hour Los Angeles based sitcom about a porn shop owner who said "Fuck" every third word that no test audience ever laughed at, "Larry's Erotic Condom Emporium" would get the pick up. I know regular cable would jump at the chance to show "LECE" because they're all about marketing vulgarity, sort of taking the nod from their premium cable big brothers.

Now, I've got nothing against vulgarity. I love vulgarity. I sometimes refer to myself as "Mr. Vulgarity" (I'm thinking of getting a baseball hat made up with that on it. I'll probably get it from the same place Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak get their T-shirts from, because most T-shirt places make hats, too). But I'm getting a little bored with this bullshit that shows up every so often where the professional TV critics go on and on about how generally vulgar TV is and how it's destroying society, etc, but then foam their collective pants at the thought of someone creating another show like "The Shield." I mean, yeah, most of the professionals will end up hating the new "Shield" type show, but no one will say "Maybe the networks need to change the general definiton of 'adult drama' programming because they keep making the same damn show over and over again." They just won't say it. Deep down, the people who decry vulgairty, the people who get to decide what "art" is, are just like everyone else and oh so love vulgairty and can't wait for more of it to show up on television.

And I'm a little tired of both HBO and Showtime (and I'm sure Starz! will get deeper into this shit since "Crash" seems to be doing well) telling me just how goddamn hip and edgy they are. Hasn't the whole "hip and edgy" thing run its course?

- Did MSNBC just air a documentary where Al Roker, the "Today" show weatherman, is firing a machine gun? Yeah, I think I just did. What the heck is that about?

- Has anyone calculated how much the CSI team on "CSI" spends moneywise on each investigation? Because I'm willing to bet that Grissom's team is spending about a hundred thousand dollars per investigation, and that just sounds insanely expensive, even for a big city like Las Vegas. I mean, in real life, wouldn't the city council, or the county government, or the state of Nevada bitch, bitch, and bitch some more if they found out that the cops are "sparing no expense" when it comes to any and all investigations? I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that the state of Nevada wouldn't freak out if the cops spent over a million dollars investigating the death of a drugged up prostitute. Those people aren't important, right? They're important on the show, but in real life?

What the hell am I talking about here?

- Did you ever notice how, on cop shows, when the "feds" show up no one likes them and they announce they've been investigating so and so for over a year and they're this close to an indictment or an arrest? Why do the feds keep announcing this when absolutely no one believes them?

And finally,

- If someone ever makes a biopic about the great character actor Robert Davi, I think he or she should hire Andrew Divoff to play Davi. Who better to play a great character actor but another great character actor?





See? They kind of look like one another. They're a perfect match.

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Well, isn't this just a bunch of hooey? "Monk" is ending. Apparently, USA, the show's producers, and both show creator Andy Breckman and star Tony Shaloub figure now is the time to end the show. They want to "go out on top."

I'm not a fan of this kind of thing. A TV show, just like a movie franchise, should end when there are no more stories to tell, no one involved in the show wants to continue, and no one wants to watch the show anymore. "Going out on top," and this is just me here, is just pretentious hooha. Beloved characters should be exploited, both artistically and commercially, until they're "dead."

So, will Adrian Monk find out who killed his wife Trudy? Will Monk and Natalie "get it on" at some point this season (there is definitely a bit of sexual tension between the two)? Will Randy Disher release a second hit single? And will Leland Stottlemeyer ever find true love? And will Sharona come back for an episode or two?

And will USA start doing "Monk" TV movies, like those "Murder She Wrote" movies? I hope so. I don't want Monk to go away. Monk is great. Monk is awesome. Monk is funny.

Well, I guess the folks at "Psych" will have to pick up the "funny" slack on the network next year. I wonder if "Psych" will survive without "Monk" as its lead in.

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Finally, a bit of actual "Jericho" news to report. Apparently the CW network is junking its current Sunday night lineup and replacing whatever the heck those shows are with reruns of our favorite post apocalyptic network TV drama (along with sitcom reruns and movies). I believe it starts on November 30th, which is this coming Sunday by my count. Could this mean that Paramount, which owns a piece of the CW and has an interest in continuing the "Jericho" franchise, will use the CW reruns as a jumping off point for "Jericho" TV movies? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Go check out the following websites for further information on "Jericho," and potential breaking news, if and when there is anything else to report:

http://www.jerichoseries.com

http://www.jerichooncbs.tumblr.com/

http://www.jerichorallypoint.com

http://www.radiofreejericho.com

http://www.jericholives.com

http://www.jerichowiki.cbs.com/

http://www.jerichonet2.com/

http://www.jerichorangers4ourtroops.com/

And, if you haven't picked up "Jericho" on DVD yet, go here for details on the full series set. It's an expensive set, sure, but, if you're a "Jericho Ranger" you'll want it, you'll need it. It's freaking "Jericho" man! Go here for the season one set and here for the season two set, if you're so inclined.

Long live "Jericho"!

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Crank it up.

This week, the "What?!! This Column!?? Douchebag of the Week" gets split between both former Speaker of the House and serial philanderer Newt Gingrich and right wing radio and TV asswipe Sean Hannity. Newt gets the nod for the following statement while talking to sexual harrasser Bill O'Reilly: "I think there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment. I think it is prepared to use the government if it can get control of it. I think that it is a very dangerous threat to anybody who believes in traditional religion." And this guy used to be third in line to the Presidency. Is Newt afraid some huge gay guy is going to break into his house or pull him into an alley somewhere and ram a fist up his ass? Just what the fuck is Newt talking about? Shouldn't he looking for his next wife right about now?

As for Hannity, Sean just won't give up on this William Ayers shit. He just keeps hammering and hammering away on this "scary Obama link" that no one except his radio listeners and the people who run Fox News give a fuck about. The election is over, Sean. Obama is the President- Elect. Just accept it and move on. I'm sure you and Dick "I like feet" Morris can come up with some new total bullshit by Inauguration day to talk about. And hey, Sean, who are you going to get to replace Alan Colmes? Susan Estrich?



Don't screw it up.

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http://www.saveswingtown/

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So NASCAR has decided to eliminate all testing, both pre season and during the season, banning teams from testing at any NASCAR sanctioned track in the United States. NASCAR claims this will save the teams money, especially the smaller teams. Of course, the big teams, especially Hendrick, will find a way to circumvent the rules and continue to spend tens of millions of dollars to gain a billionth of a second on the track (there are rumors that some of the big teams plan on building their own test tracks, sort of like how Penske did with Nazareth back in the day). And I'm sure the big teams will use those fancy shmancy Formula One stationary shock rig things that allow teams to test shocks without actually putting the car on a racetrack. So, in the end, no one will save any money. And with the ongoing economic collapse eliminating advertising budgets left and right, don't be surprised if many of those small teams disappear by the Coke 600.

Over on the IRL side, as reported by Robin Miller over at the Speed Channel website, a bunch of teams are closing shop or downsizing because of a lack of sponsorship. KV racing looks to be done (that whole Surfer's Paradise race thing died). Newman- Haas-Lanigan apparently told Justin Wilson to go find a ride. Marty Roth is apparently done. So the new combined series went from 26 cars every week to, what, maybe 20 a week if they're lucky? There are some new teams coming (like the one with Stanton Barrett) but, really, how long will those teams really last? After the Indy 500, don't be surprised if the IRL is once again fielding 18 car grids.

Wow. I thought it would take at least two years for the new IRL to fall apart. They're ahead of schedule.

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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Please check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen. And please check out my other column here at the movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.
"Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I'm thinking of a movie.

Meg: Is it an action movie?

Chris: Who's in the movie?

Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?

Lois: Eh, it has its moments.

Peter: Cool Runnings

Lois: Yep!"

That's from "Family Guy." I'm sure you already knew that.

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Cancer sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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