Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.26.08: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Posted by Will Helm on 11.26.2008

...or, Uwe Boll Presents – and By “Presents” I Mean “Screws Up” – The Lord of the Rings

Ah, Uwe Boll. Few, if any, filmmakers in the modern day are as controversial or even lambasted as the pugnacious German director. Of course, unlike many of his contemporaries, much of Boll's reputation is well earned, considering the fact that the bulk of his films are video-game adaptations and, even more significantly, BAD adaptations at that. In fact, Boll's past three adaptations have found their way into the pages of this column as some of the worst movies of their respective years. First was Boll's initial release, House of the Dead, based on the Sega franchise of the same name. Though certainly lackluster, House of the Dead was, at least, goofy and innocuous. The same can't be said for the worst film of 2005, Alone in the Dark, another adaptation that was perhaps so confusing and convoluted that no amount of exposition could save it. Oh, and it also had Tara Reid as an archaeologist. Or a paleontologist. I don't think it really mattered.

Boll followed that up with one of the worst films of 2006 – but yet his best film to date, BloodRayne. Though another video-game adaptation, Boll at least had the good sense to make the lead character a HOT CHICK and add in Billy Zane just for the fun of it. Though apparently Boll took 2007 off – sort of; more on that later, he's back with a vengeance in 2008, with two of the movies comprising this year's worst. First up is yet another video-game adaptation, this time of the 2002 role-playing game Dungeon Siege titled In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Of course, this being Uwe Boll, nothing seems to go right with this film, including the release date. Netflix has the release date as 2006 for no reason in particular, while IMDB.com lists the date as 2007, probably considering the film-festival release in July of that year. Of course, the final, theatrical cut of the film – which isn't, thankfully, Boll's 165-minute Director's Cut – ended up in theaters in January of 2008, making it an early entry in this year's worst films. That doesn't mean that it's a Misunderstood Masterpiece, though; this column will judge that.

Somewhere, for no reason in particular, Ray Liotta is busy getting it on with Leelee Sobieski. Ever since he was a little kid he wanted to be in an Uwe Boll movie. Moments later, the camera pulls out to reveal that they're apparently in Gondor, or at least Uwe Boll's reasonable facsimile thereof. I'm sure that's the only J.R.R. Tolkien allusion in the film. In any case, Ray Liotta makes out with Leelee Sobieski and makes his fingers glow in the process, which sounds really dirty for some reason. I wonder just where he put those fingers? Leelee Sobieski, sadly, isn't into Ray Liotta so much, so he tries to ply her with romantic words. She best give in, because he's the kind of guy who "knows people."

Meanwhile, Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) disintegrates into a nearby cave. Elsewhere, Jason Statham – as the film's main character, creatively named "Farmer" because . . . he's a farmer – picks giant turnips from his garden and throws a boomerang at crows, just to show off that he's really good at throwing a boomerang at crows. Evidently, Jason Statham's boomerang-throwing prowess catches the eye of neighbor Ron Perlman, who merely comes over to mope about their lot as being subsistence farmers. It seems that Ron wants a little excitement out of life, but Jason Statham replies with his usual Londoner gibberish. Note: Jason Statham is the only actor in the film who speaks with an accent. Ron, whose idea of excitement must involve inviting himself over for dinner, joins Jason Statham's family – his HOT CHICK wife (Claire Forlani, who, unlike her fellow countryman Statham, is using an American accent . . . about as well as she did back in Mallrats) and Jason Statham's adorable scamp of a son (Colin Ford) – at the dinner table and they mock him for it. Later, presumably after Ron takes his leave, Jason Statham and his HOT CHICK wife get it on, just because.

The next morning, Jason Statham's HOT CHICK wife and his adorable scamp of a son ride off with his giant turnips. Along the way to wherever, the HOT CHICK wife explains to the adorable scamp of a son that Jason Statham is named "Farmer" because he believes that everyone should be called what they are. So he either invented surnames or he's a Socialist. Or both. And the HOT CHICK wife also tells her adorable scamp of a son that Jason Statham was an orphan raised by a bunch of different families until he ended up marrying her. Or something like that. Seriously; this movie is so painfully dull at this point that it's a challenge to even pay attention.

Meanwhile, in fake Mordor, Matthew Lillard, cinema's favorite pig-faced spaz, eats chicken with Burt Reynolds. Never, ever, would I have imagined writing that sentence. I guess there really is a first time for everything. While Matthew Lillard goofs off – I guess he's Burt Reynolds' personal jester, some guy shows up to describe a battle gone awry. Elsewhere, Jason Statham's family finally arrives at what is, evidently, Giant Turnip Village. Back at the farm, Jason Statham splits wood and hears rumbling in the distance. Back in Giant Turnip Village, the HOT CHICK wife visits her parents; Jason Statham, meanwhile, stalks around his farm aimlessly. I guess this is what filmmakers call "building tension." Oh, wait . . . TENSION!

The TENSION is finally released when Jason Statham wrestles some fake orcs – called the Krug in the world of Dungeon Siege -- and slices them up with his helpful machete. Danny Trejo would be proud. After taking care of the fake orcs on his farm, Jason Statham runs off to rescue Ron from his burning barn and a horde of fake orcs. Meanwhile, in Giant Turnip Village, more fake orcs invade a wedding – I guess they're there for the buffet – while Leelee Sobieski and some military guy (Brian White) swordfight and she complains about her father. Moments later, Matthew Lillard stumbles over to whine about nothing in particular. OK, whatever.

Jason Statham and Ron, now a team to be reckoned with, ride into Giant Turnip Village and start whipping fake-orc ass. Unfortunately for the heroes, the tide turns when a slew of fake Nazgûl ride into town to turn the tide. While the HOT CHICK wife, trapped in a bell tower, steps on a fake orc's head, Jason Statham fights one of the fake Nazgûl, who just happens to be controlled by Ray Liotta and his glamorous glittery coat. Well, he may be evil, but he's also FABULOUS! Proving that theory to be true, Ray Liotta is amused when Jason Statham defeats the fake Nazgûl. While Jason Statham selfishly goes off in search of his HOT CHICK wife, the fake orcs burn Giant Turnip Village and then, just for good measure, a fake Nazgûl kills Jason Statham's in-laws. The adorable scamp of a son, wisely, doesn't hang around, but a fake Nazgûl catches up to him and kills him too, just because. Evidently, that signals the end of the battle, as the fake orcs and fake Nazgûl retreat, leaving Jason Statham behind to bury the bodies and swear REVENGE!

Over in fake Mordor, Matthew Lillard and Ray Liotta have a little chat because they're in cahoots against Burt Reynolds, who just happens to be Matthew Lillard's uncle and the king of wherever they are. Matthew Lillard, ever the spaz, isn't happy with the celerity of their plan, so he tells Ray Liotta to kick it into high gear. Ray Liotta, meanwhile, is too concerned with finding out just what the deal is with Jason Statham because he magically senses that Jason Statham is awesome. Evidently he didn't see The Transporter or Snatch because he would've known that already.

In the aftermath of the fake-orc attack, King Burt Reynolds rides into Giant Turnip Village, where Jason Statham sasses at him, because he's Jason Statham and King Burt Reynolds isn't. Though King Burt Reynolds' captain – the guy who was swordfighting Leelee Sobieski earlier – doesn't approve, King Burt Reynolds forgives Jason Statham because the farmer has a point about the monarchy being unconcerned with the plight of the commoners. King Burt Reynolds: enlightened despot. While Gimli – who's the king's chancellor and head mage – looks on confused, Jason Statham, his brother-in-law (Will Sanderson) – who looks strangely like professional wrestler Matt Hardy, and Ron wander off to band together to fight evil themselves. Gimli, just because he's magical, messes with Ron for no particular reason and then he interrupts Jason Statham – who's busy having a flashback – and tries to recruit the farmer for the king's army because something important is happening. Jason Statham, selfishly, is more concerned with finding and/or avenging his HOT CHICK wife, because they're hard to find in Giant Turnip Village.

Some time later, Jason Statham, Matt Hardy, and Ron climb over a rope while accompanied by wacky music. Of course, as per the music's particular idiom, wackiness ensues when Matt Hardy and Ron fall to their apparent deaths into the river below. Remarkably, both survive and Ron, being awesome, even jokes about it. Meanwhile, King Burt Reynolds and his generals wake up a snoozing guard in front of the castle in a remarkably pointless scene. Inside, however, Matthew Lillard fools around with a HOT CHICK in the king's throne, much to King Burt Reynolds' chagrin. Moments later, Matthew Lillard and the king's captain argue and then Matthew Lillard runs off to see Ray Liotta just so that he – like a spaz – can throw a temper tantrum.

Evidently Matthew Lillard's character has the maturity of a four-year-old. Interesting.

That evening, Ray Liotta, probably looking to get some illicit nookie, visits Leelee Sobieski in her bedroom, where they trade witticisms about her vagina. Ray Liotta, a little upset that Leelee Sobieski isn't giving up anything that night, yells at her, so she dumps him. Meanwhile, in a fake-orc caravan, the HOT CHICK wife is revealed to be alive, yet a captive of the evil fake orcs. At the castle, Matthew Lillard goofs off for King Burt Reynolds' amusement and joins him for a meal, where he promises to grow up. It's about time, Matthew; Freddie Prinze, Jr., isn't here to hold your hand anymore. He's too busy working for the WWE. Of course, King Burt Reynolds, being remarkably observant, tells Matthew Lillard that perhaps he should stop drinking with breakfast to prove his sincerity. The second step would be Matthew Lillard admitting he has a problem . . . or did he do that already?

Sometime later, King Burt Reynolds meets with his captains and the talk about the fake orcs. Meanwhile, Jason Statham and Ron argue in the forest because there's "things" there. Jason Statham, being stubborn as well as awesome, totally ignores Ron's warnings, so they all end up getting attacked by vines controlled by Cirque du Soleil acrobats. While Jason Statham, Ron, and Matt Hardy hang precipitously over the forest floor, the acrobats' leader, a HOT elf CHICK (Kristanna Loken) shows up to trade barbs with Jason Statham because, evidently, they're all HOT lesbian elf CHICK acrobats and they don't like men very much. Except once in a rare while when they're really drunk and curious.

At the castle, Leelee Sobieski chats with King Burt Reynolds because she's worried about something; King Burt Reynolds responds by going crazy. Meanwhile, Matthew Lillard, who's visiting Ray Liotta, gets a bout of painful diarrhea, which, along with King Burt Reynolds' apparent apoplexy, is all part of Ray Liotta's evil scheme. While Ray Liotta gives Matthew Lillard some antidote in exchange for the pig-faced spaz's fealty, Gimli finds King Burt Reynolds has been poisoned, so he tries to cure the king by fondling him. Or he just wants to make sure the king dies happy. After the captain reveals that Matthew Lillard is plotting to overthrow the crown and Gimli stabilizes King Burt Reynolds, Gimli yells at Leelee Sobieski for hooking up with Ray Liotta because it messes with the space/time continuum or something.

In the forest, the HOT lesbian elf CHICK leads Jason Statham and his associates to a fake-orc camp, where Jason Statham kills some fake orcs. Meanwhile, Gimli chats with a remarkably alive King Burt Reynolds, who wants to fight; King Burt Reynolds' captain desires his liege to rest instead. Back at the fake-orc camp, Ron and Matt Hardy dress as fake orcs, but Jason Statham can't be bothered with a disguise, because he's Jason Statham and the fake orcs aren't. The trio goes looking for Jason Statham's HOT CHICK wife – even though they don't know if she's alive or not – and, conveniently, Jason Statham finds her . . . and gets knocked out by a fake orc in the process.

At the castle, King Burt Reynolds addresses his troops, their number a little reduced due to a few legions siding with Matthew Lillard. Elsewhere, another fake Nazgûl hangs Jason Statham from a tree and interrogates him, even though it's probably pretty hard for Jason Statham to talk with a noose around his neck. After Ray Liotta, through the fake Nazgûl, tires of questioning Jason Statham, Jason Statham somehow, through a convoluted series of events, kills the fake Nazgûl and cuts himself down. Meanwhile, just because they're not Jason Statham and therefore insignificant, Ron and Matt Hardy are revealed to be captives of the fake orcs, conveniently in the same wagon as the HOT CHICK wife; Matt Hardy, unfortunately, has to tell her that their parents and her son are dead, as if her life couldn't get any worse. Ron, being a player, consoles her, probably because he wants to tap it.

Out in the middle of nowhere, Gimli finds Jason Statham and gives him a healing potion. Elsewhere, Ray Liotta and his awesome leather jacket inspect a sweatshop . . . in the underworld! Or fake Isengard, which is probably more appropriate. In the castle, Leelee Sobieski stares into a mirror and cracks it and then she freaks out because her dad – Gimli, which isn't really clear until halfway through the film – thinks she's a slut. Leelee Sobieski mulls suicide, but, thankfully, some French girl is on hand to dissuade her. Instead, Leelee Sobieski dresses as Joan of Arc – again – and rides off to nowhere in particular.

Somewhere else, Matthew Lillard's army of traitors joins up with the fake-orc army. Meanwhile, Gimli brings Jason Statham to King Burt Reynolds' camp, but King Burt Reynolds' captain doesn't approve, mainly because Jason Statham was so sassy earlier. Of course, Gimli overrules the captain, because he's bringing Jason Statham to meet King Burt Reynolds because Jason Statham just happens to be King Burt Reynolds' son! Wow . . . he's just like Aragorn, just not. While Gimli provides exposition, Prince Jason Statham and King Burt Reynolds have a family reunion and then King Burt Reynolds yells at Gimli for being obtuse. After the touching moment, Gimli again tries to convince Prince Jason Statham to join with King Burt Reynolds, but Prince Jason Statham still just wants to find Ron, Matt Hardy, and his HOT CHICK wife.

Later that day, King Burt Reynolds' captain meets with Matthew Lillard on the battlefield and then, much to Matthew Lillard's surprise, King Burt Reynolds rides out to address the troops once again. While King Burt Reynolds' troops prepare for battle and tells his ninjas – NINJAS?!? – to do . . . something, Prince Jason Statham rides in nonchalantly. With the preposterous ninjas in position, the battle begins; meanwhile, a fake Nazgûl chases Leelee Sobieski into the HOT lesbian elf CHICK forest. Thanks for that pointless interlude, movie! During the pitched battle, Prince Jason Statham chops up fake orcs with his trusty machete while the ninjas do stereotypically ninja-like things. Then, just because someone probably thought it'd be an awesome visual, catapults fire flaming fake orcs into the fray and Ray Liotta laughs, probably because he can't believe his paycheck cleared.

After Ray Liotta regains his composure, he has one of his fake Nazgûl match wits with the captain and then kill some ninjas. Prince Jason Statham, not one to let ninjas die unavenged on his watch, kills the fake Nazgûl while Matthew Lillard tries to shoot King Burt Reynolds, but it doesn't go too well. Moments later, while Prince Jason Statham runs over some fake orcs to kill a fake Nazgûl and then busies himself by punching a fake Nazgûl to death, Matthew Lillard finally shoots King Burt Reynolds with an arrow. Oh well.

Back at Ray Liotta's sweatshop, the HOT CHICK wife, Ron, and Matt Hardy plot a slave revolt. Meanwhile, Matthew Lillard, retreating from the battle, finds Leelee Sobieski in the forest and they fight until the HOT lesbian elf CHICKS rescue her and then they capture Matthew Lillard, just for kicks. Or they're really drunk and curious. At the sweatshop, Ron leads a slave revolt which pretty much goes nowhere because he gets killed and all the slaves get captured soon after. Well, that was a pointless way to kill of Ron Perlman.

At the royal camp, Prince Jason Statham visits King Burt Reynolds, who's recuperating in bed. King Burt Reynolds, perhaps on his deathbed, comes to grips with his impending demise and gives Prince Jason Statham a pep talk as well as some farming advice. His wisdom: use seaweed as fertilizer. No, really. After this bit of agricultural know-how, King Burt Reynolds dies, accompanied by an unnecessary crescendo. And here I would've expected something by the late, great Jerry Reed.

So is Prince Jason Statham now "King Farmer" or "King King," since he thinks everyone should be called what they are?

While now-King Jason Statham mourns his father's death, Leelee Sobieski brings Matthew Lillard to the captain for the traitor's just desserts. The captain, to his valorous – and foolish – credit, releases Matthew Lillard so that they may duel; Matthew Lillard, of course, cheats, but the captain fends him off and then nearly wins . . . until someone mentions that the king is dead and Matthew Lillard is, apparently, the new king. Matthew Lillard tells the captain to stand down because he thinks he's king, until Gimli shows up to crap in Matthew Lillard's cornflakes by revealing King Jason Statham to be the new king. After the captain has Matthew Lillard taken into custody, King Jason Statham reveals his first royal act: he's going to selfishly attack Ray Liotta's sweatshop and free Ron, Matt Hardy, and his HOT CHICK wife.

Ray Liotta, disguised as a fake Nazgûl, overhears King Jason Statham's plans and freaks out, until he figures out that King Jason Statham's HOT CHICK wife is actually on of his captives. He, therefore, calls her to his chamber and, conveniently, diagnoses her as pregnant while sniffing her. Ray Liotta is EARNING his pay here. Maybe a little too much. Meanwhile, in the sweatshop, Matt Hardy bonds with some random HOT CHICK; hopefully she doesn't cheat on him with a buddy of his and then start wearing really low cut tops.

At the royal camp, Gimli cremates King Burt Reynolds and then he gives King Jason Statham a lesson in strategy because Ray Liotta, like the Death Star, won't be expecting a small band of fighters to blow up its conveniently unprotected exhaust port . . . or something like that. While the captain protests King Jason Statham's annoying obsession with rescuing his HOT CHICK wife, Leelee Sobieski and the HOT lesbian elf CHICK join in to attack Ray Liotta's sweatshop. Sometime later, King Jason Statham and his associates watch over fake Isengard, where Ray Liotta threatens the HOT CHICK wife because he's all evil and post-modern. Just to highlight the tempest stirring inside him, Ray Liotta then conjures a storm to impede King Jason Statham's troops, who he then attacks with the fake-orc army.

While King Jason Statham sets off for adventure with Leelee Sobieski and the HOT lesbian elf CHICK, Gimli flies off to chat with Ray Liotta. Instead of a little heart-to-heart about Gimli's slutty daughter, Gimli and Ray Liotta have a telekinetic swordfight, which Ray Liotta wins by cheating. Meanwhile, King Jason Statham and the HOT lesbian elf CHICK nearly fall off a cliff while trying to break into Ray Liotta's sweatshop. That would've ended the raid really quickly. Thankfully, while the royal army fights the fake orcs in the rain, King Jason Statham infiltrates Ray Liotta's sweatshop and Leelee Sobieski annoys me by flying to Gimli's side, which would've helped a lot before Ray Liotta killed him. Of course, Gimli waits to die until Leelee Sobieski joins him, so that he can give her all his power and apologize for being so stubborn and judgmental. Papa, don't preach.

Down in the bowels of Ray Liotta's sweatshop, Matt Hardy leads another slave revolt and, this time, it works, probably just because he wants to impress the HOT CHICK he's been chatting with. Back in the forest, the HOT lesbian elf CHICK Cirque du Soleil acrobats aid the royal army in thwarting the fake-orc forces. Meanwhile, in fake Isengard, King Jason Statham finds Ray Liotta and his HOT CHICK wife and King Jason Statham and Ray Liotta finally fight. After a bunch of pointless choreography and special effects, Ray Liotta espouses literacy in the kingdom by attacking King Jason Statham with BOOKS! Maybe this is in response to King Jason Statham being so unintelligible. Ray Liotta traps King Jason Statham in book-manacles and waits to land the killing blow, allowing the HOT CHICK wife the opportunity to stab Ray Liotta, distracting him enough to let King Jason Statham kill the villain. While the fake orcs retreat from the battlefield, King Jason Statham tells his HOT CHICK wife that he loves her . . . and that's it. Wait? Really? No denouement or anything? Damn you, movie.

It's a good thing, all those years ago, that Peter Jackson was chosen to adapt The Lord of the Rings for the screen and not Uwe Boll because I have a feeling, a very disturbing feeling, that In the Name of the King is as close to what audience would've seen as possible. Even more so, In the Name of the King apes Jackson's trilogy in style so much that it's almost laughable. I half expected a porn spoof to break out at any time; luckily, Seduction Cinema already did Lord of the G-Strings. In addition, unlike the Jackson trilogy, In the Name of the King is lacking of great characters; they're merely actors playing roles, which undermines suspension of disbelief considerably. My reaction upon seeing the king for the first time wasn't "Oh, that must be the king," but "Oh, what the HELL is Burt Reynolds doing in this?" That isn't conducive to good film-making. Then again, this is Uwe Boll, and he's now batting 4-for-4 in Misunderstood Masterpieces with one of the worst movies of the year.

Join me next week as I get down with a descendant of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. See you then!